Jayne, I spoke to Michelle yesterday and she does have family staying with her at the moment.

I'm having a little freak out at the moment, and it just seems stupid, but I'm sure the lovely women in here will understand. I think the reality of returning to IVF has hit me today... the reality that to try again could lead to another wonderful addition to the family, but that it could also open myself up to more heartbreak - another opportunity for this body of mine to fail and let me down. A fear so profound and deep that it all but took my breath away. I know that getting to the point where I'm off medication for long enough to be able to have a transfer is still a long way off - but there's also a lot of fear to overcome between now and then as well as the physical issues.

I just don't know where to go from here - and would desperately love to just sit down and snuggle my boy... and I'd have done just that recently in cuddling him to sleep for his morning nap - only he's at daycare today. It feels very odd to be at home without him.

I want to say more... but I think the best thing for my headspace is to just get up and go away from the computer - to get out so I don't feel Sam's absence so deeply, distract myself so that I don't focus on the fear so much... But I will just leave a for everyone... and the comment that I must be a massive goody-two-shoes because at the age of 35 I have never smoked a cigarette (nor anything else for that matter!) at all! Unfortunately, poking fun at myself isn't really helping all that much today.

BW