aaagghh Yasin

[Phteven]

Lately I've been finding it really hard to cope with Yasin and also wondering if his bahaviour is normal or if he is a little odd.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I have ever had. I geuss, looking back that because it was his birthday I expected it to be better so when the reality that it was going to be another difficult day with Yasin intruded it was a bit harder to cope with.
Yesterday I was acting like the kind of parent I never wanted to be - dragging a screaming toddler along without even pausing to try and hear him out.
It started out well enough - we got up at 5:24 (his brother is an early-bird) he opened some presents and played with them but then the day went normal.
I tried to re-arrange some furniture - he refused to move if I asked him to and kept jumping in front of the things as I was moving them I don't know if he's winding me up deliberately when he does this sort of thing but he does it often and it makes me crazy.
We went to kick-start (it's a football for toddlers thing).
Yasin chucked a tanty at having to get dressed and put his shoes on. Once that was achieved he did the bolt out into the court-yard and ran around refusing to go to the car.
He started screaming as soon as we stoped the car (in his defence he was dozing off - even though it was only 10:30). I tried talking to him for a while but since it was his 6th tanty for the day I ended up picking up his brother then holding him by the arm and marching him across the car-park. He smacked his head on a car-mirror and I told him to stop whinging (OMG I feel awful for doing that). Then he threw himself on the ground at the bottom of the stairs and refused to walk. Luckily a passing woman carried Imran up the stairs so I could carry Yasin. When we got to the class Yasin was the boy who wouldn't join in, which is normal - usually I'm ok with him being very energetic and individual but yesterday I just felt sick of being the mum with the feral kid - just once I want a turn at being the mum with the little angel. Towards the end of the class he decided he'd rather play on the stairs instead (my fault for wanting to sit down on them for a minute I geuss) so of course it ended with a tanty when he was asked to get off the stairs. Then he tantrumed all the way back down to the car. I was so cross by then and getting smug looks from the couple with a little angel didn't help (maybe I was imaginaing it and they were sympathetic). When we got back to the car he did the bolt while I was trying to put Imran in so I threw a tanty of my own. I just about threw him into his seat then sat in the car and sooked and swore and screamed for about 5 minutes.
Usually after I put the boys down for thier nap I can unwind a bit but yesterday I still felt wound-up after they went to sleep.

I'm just so tired of trying to deal with the tantrums and the endless no's. I know this is a normal part of toddlerhood but my children just seem so much more feral than other children and I'm beginning to feel that I must be doing something wrong.

Toilet Training - I know they say it happens when they are ready but I'm begining to despair of him ever being ready. He screams if I offer him big boy undies and demands his nappy. He used to sit on the loo but now he refuses to 80% of the time. It seems like every other child his age is on thier way or out of nappies already. If he's busy he resists his changes even when he has a massive poo in his nappy. I hate dealing with toddler poo (don't we all lol) but having to put up with a tanty to change a nappy makes me want to cry - it's not like I'm doing it for fun.

Development - I have no idea what's normal. The peadiatrician I saw about his speech said that in some areas he's ahead but his speech is a bit behind. At the moment I'm just not sure if his behavoiur is normal or not.

I really hate the kind of person I've become recently - I feel like dealing with Yasin has exposed all my weaknesses. I have no patience and once I'm angry I have no capacity to feel the kind of sympathy I should (TBH when Yasin banged his head yesterday a tiny bit of me thought 'serves you right' and I can't forgive myself for that).
At least once a day I end up screaming at him or bawling my eyes out and I'm sure that he shouldn't have to put up with such poor behaviour from a parent.

He's really a rather wonderful little person he's very kind and genorous (he gets cross when Imran won't accept a share of his juice lol) and doesn't hesitate to jump in and defend others if he thinks they need it. I feel like by not being able to cope with him at the moment I'm really letting him down

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.
I'm not even sure if it makes much sense lol.

ETA - I didn't mention the bolting. He's 3 now and he's been bolting since he was first allowed to walk. I'm a bit peeved with DH because he thought it was funny to start with and let him do it against my wishes. For over 18 months I've been trying to teach him to stay next to me but nothing works. Nearly every time we go out we have drams about it and there are tears because he has to get back in the pram/trolley or hold my hand. On the occasions that he stays close he seems to take my praise as an indication that he's done it long enough and takes off again. I'm so, so, so sick of running after him in shops and down the footpath. He's had it drilled into him that he can't go on the road and luckily he seems to get that but I live in terror that one day he won't.
He seems to find the chase hilariious. In fact he seems to find all form sof negative attention funny until it hits the point that I scream at him or start crying.
I try to give him positive attention but it seems to have no affect on his behaviour.

[Pretty Butterfly]

In my experience this is normal. Most children will reach the age of testing you and seeing how far they can go. It's your reaction there waiting for. 2 things I tried that worked were these... I would bend down and talk calmly into my sons face and ask him to do something. If he refused, i calmly went and took a toy and threw it out...(not really, but he thought i did)... He would scream and cry, and i would calmly do it again. He VERY quickly learnt that if the behavour continued, he lost more toys. When being good, i would pull him aside ,tell him how good he is, and give a toy back. It worked a treat!!
It didn't work with my daughter, so i went the other way. After some really disgusting behavoir, i emptied her room (DR Phil style!). When good, she got back something I'd taken. Worked on her!! I dont have perfect kids, but there pretty great. They've learnt they have to be respactful, and that good behavoir is rewarded. Hope I've helped, and good luck!!

[Pretty Butterfly]

sorry, I missed the the running part!! My 3rd child was a runner, so one day when he ran off, I walked out the front of the shop, knowing he was just inside. I waited till he was screaming with fright then went back in. I didn't yell, like i wanted to, I done the whole "oh no, are you ok? you got lost and I could've left without you!" He was too scared to run anymore!! Maybe this trick will work for you!!

[Phteven]

Jodie, I've tried that more than once and it hasn't worked. The second time he got a bunch of grannies who were going to find a security guard to help him rofl.
Maybe I should have left him longer because I didn't let him reach the point that he was really upset - just long enough to know that he was all alone.

[christy]

What you are writing could be a mirror of my 6 months ago... *hugs* its so frustrating. I do think some of it is completely normal. In fact if he didn't tantrum he would be strange.

My child has always been the "naughty" one, the feral who is the destructo, never joins in, etc etc... and while we haven't seen the end of it yet, we are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Matilda has JUST stopped her escapism. Not when we are at a park etc, then she loves to bolt (generally towards cars... thats her favourite ) but she used to climb out our windows & run to the street or over our 6 foot fences. I don't know if thats normal, but its stopped recently.

However, the boundary pushing is still a favourite pastime of hers. With DH this morning she pulled out all stops including weeing on his computer. No joke. She jumped up & started to wee on the box when he pulled her off & I'm pretty sure there was a lather around his lips.... he had to lock himself in the room to calm down. I took her outside on the verandah. She has only just discovered defiant weeing.... joy.

It took her until 2 months after her 3rd birthday to get TT. Even then she still sometimes chooses not too. Mainly behaviourally though, not because she can't.

So no answers but just *hugs* and understanding. Its frustrating & exhausting.

[Muppity]

Oh sweetheart - sending you loads of hugs and telling you that it will get better (easy for me to say right!)

Maybe you need a break for an hour of two? Could your MiL or someone look after them for a few hours while you booked in for a facial/pedicure/haircut or coffee and good book?

I don't really have any advice or solutions but I am wondering with the bolting thing if you could get him one of those "special" backpacks that are their own little backpack to carry something in but double as a leash? I have a friend who swears by it and now her DS (who is about 3) never runs away when he has the backpack on even when she isn't holding onto him. His is a monkey but I have seen them as frogs and clowns and all sorts of things.

[christy]

We have the monkey harness & we have a rule that if Matilda is "outside" with me than its on. Only recently have we stopped using it. I have to say though, Wednesday at the park she bolted. She ran down to the water in the bay & jumped straight in yuck, mud & seaweed all over her.

[Trillian]

Chloe, hun I wish I could come and look after the boys for a bit while you had some you time. Do you think you are at the end of your tether and reaching breaking point quicker because DH is still away working? I know when my DH is away or on nights etc, it can be very hard to cope at times when you know you don't have the extra person available to you - even if they don't actually help, you still have a sounding board to vent to kwim?

I think a lot of what you've described is normal, and sometimes it seems like we are the only ones in the world with the feral kids, but trust me - we aint LOL. I know you've probably tried a lot of different tactics with him and that's what would be a big part of the frustration at times too because you just don't know what else you can try.

Don't apologise or feel bad about your behaviour and reactions - you're not a saint, you're human and we can't keep it bottled inside all the time.

I don't know what I could offer that would help you out with him and sometimes it wouldn't matter what you did, they would still push our buttons just because they know they can - so you can't blame your parenting for that OK?

[Deejoy17]

Chloe - I just want to give you a big hug.

I don`t have any advice as what you wrote I thought you were writing about Matthew, I know exactly how your feeling and totally with you even right down to the TTing, Matthew is exactly the same has refused to even sit on the toilet or potty until 2 weeks ago and will refuse to put tting pants on I even brought him pants just like Daddy but he refuses to wear them until this morning when Daddy put them on him

I have DH telling me that the X had the 2 boys toilet trained well and truly by now, that then makes me feel like I`ve done something wrong, I`d love nothing more then to have just one in nappies but what can you do I don`t want to force him.

I will not even go out alone with both boys, Matthew would be laughing running away in the opposite direction if I did!!!!

But all in all Matthew is a darling boy at times and often thinks of other people, he`s very loving and caring. I just hope this stage passes soon and by the time it does Adrian will be doing the same.

Hugs to you.

[christy]

LOL Deeanne, my thoughts exactly a second ago, by the time Matilda passes this stage, Jovie will be just growing into it D'Oh!

[Trillian]

Ahhh, but Christy and Dee, you will know all the tricks then and you will have the gift of hindsight to help you deal with it.

[MrsFabuloso]

:hugs:Chloe, sorry you're having such a tough time. Don't be so hard on yourself, especially if your DH is working and isn't there to help you. You need a break too.
I don't have any experience with my own children having difficult behaviours and it being 24/7....yet, so I don't know how hard it truely is for you!! But being a childcare worker, I have had experience with most of the behaviours you have mentioned.
Does Yasin go to childcare? If he does, talk to the carers there, they could give you some insight to whether or not his behaviours are normal, but to me they do sound completely normal. And if he goes to childcare, you could have some time to yourself then too. Unfortunately it sounds like Yasin is very resilient and seems to ignore the negatives of the behaviuors, like getting into trouble, to seek the positives of getting your attention, and if you have to watch him all of the time then you can't giving much attention to Imran which could also be a pay off for him.
As for the toilet training have you tried a star chart or something similar? Sometimes something as simple as that can work wonders.
Do you think he could be bored? Sometimes when kids get bored they really try your patience. Do/can you ignore his behaviours? Tell him he's not going to get what he wants and when he's finished screaming you can talk.
That's all I can think of now. I don't know if any of it helps. I hope it does.

[AnyDream]

Chloe, I just want to give you a big and say don't be hard on yourself for thinking and feeling the way you do. I found the two years between 18 months and 3.5yrs to be the hardest toughest parenting slog ever and I'm sure I had plenty of uncharitable thoughts about my DD during that time.

One thing that helped when my DH was away overseas for several months and DD was acting out: I contacted the local behaviour support unit. A lovely worker came out and observed our dynamics and gave me some strategies that turned DD's poor behaviour into consequences that affected her and they worked really quickly. Her behaviour was not even that bad, just that I was unsupported and not feeling like I was coping. The worker was lovely and gave me lots of positive feedback for where I was doing the right thing and really helped to have someone to debrief to. Might be worth a try...?

[MantaRay]

I really hate the kind of person I've become recently - I feel like dealing with Yasin has exposed all my weaknesses. I have no patience and once I'm angry I have no capacity to feel the kind of sympathy I should

Wow, I could have written that about Jack. Luckily he nots a bolter but he smears poo everywhere deliberately so some days I think bolting sounds easier! But I have to say that Yasin sounds totally normal to me. I think it's the age - they seem to regress a bit at that age and it is definitely the most challenging time I've been through.

I wonder if Yasin's tanties are related to the slower speech? I often feel that tanties result from not being understood as much as anything. And with two to look after it is so hard to find the time to try and work out what they want/are feeling etc. Also it could be worth looking at his diet. I tend to avoid the preservatives from the failsafe list (from the fed up web site), but I don't strictly stick to it. And I really have noticed that his behaviour seems to be worse after eating certain things. It is like he goes into "hyper drive". So maybe that is something else for you to consider.

Above all, remember that you are normal and your feelings are normal. I am quite sure there isn't a person in the world who wouldn't lose their temper and patience with the days us mums have sometimes (often?). Big hugs to you Chloe, you are doing a great job, and you are not alone in this. We are all here with you, in our experiences and in spirit. Don't be too hard on yourself, as far as I know you are only human!

And Happy Birthday to Yasin for yesterday.

[sunnymel]

chloe thanks so much for posting this - i thought i was the only one with the child pushing all my buttons - i get so frustrated mainly at eliana not listening & doing the same thing over & over again after i have asked her not to (usually doing something nasty to elysia) i too have the whinger & cryer when im out - it has only happened this last month & im going insane!! dp is no help & i just need a break (i dont live near my family & she is on a waiting list for daycare)
so i can totally sympathise with you & wish were closer to meet up as yasin is so the boy version of eliana - tting is a nightmare too - i have got her down for a nap atm which seldom happens - im doing my head in trying to think of other ways to negoiate & stop being the mum dragging the screaming kid through the shops or yelling at her cause im not getting a response
will see what tactics other posters come up with

[Phteven]

Thank you all for all your support and advice, it's nice to know that other people are having similar issues and emotions.
I feel a bit less like a crazy lady now lol.
We've had a better time over the last few days - I've been trying to avoid the kind of situations that cause stress and tanties (not always possible because there are some things I just have to do) and to get as much done as possible in the morning while Yasin is at his best so that in the late morning and afternoon when he is more stroppy we can have more down time.
DH is home soon - I can't wait to get a few hours off.

Christy, defiant weeing sounds like a hard one to cope with. Pete did really well to walk away. I'm hoping that TT will click in the next few months so that we don't have to TT in winter.

TaffyLou, I got a new monkey back-pack/harness this week. We had one previously but I lost it. Suprisingly he has been quite good with it - I expected a big tanty but once he realised that he could bolt but only so far he's pretty good about it. I think it's improved things a bit by reducing my stress levels when we're out and about.

Sherie, I do think that I'm feeling more pressured because I don't have anyone to de-breif to at the end of each day. I'm terrible on the phone. I geuss I need to work on that.

deejoy, I like the idea of DH putting the undies on. I might see if we have more luck if he gets dressed with DH when he gets back. They often shower together so it's just a progression to dress together too.

Kellie, I've spoken to his childcare center because he has regressed there as well (he used to be happy to be dropped off in the morning but now he cries) and they said that once he's over his morning tanty he's fitting in ok - doing all the activities, eating, napping and so on. I didn't think to ask if he was behaving normally for his age butr I geuss they would have said something if he wasn't.
I like the star chart idea. We had one but then he pulled it down and I never made a new one - maybe I've regressed lol.

Marydean, do you contact the behaviour support throughh your MCN? I don't have a relationship with our current one. She annoyed me the first time I met her so I've never been back. Maybe I should check in and see if there is another one there.

Caro, thanks for the support, my DH makes similar comments to yours if he has to look after the boys on his own for a few hours.

Melanie, it must be hard to deal with the poo, you have my sympathy. I think you're right that I should be more aware of triggers because then I can try to modify situations/adapt my own behaviour a bit to reduce the stress for all of us.

melbee, my hat goes off to you. It's tough being a single parent. I hope you can find some child-care soon so you get a break. Lets just hope this age and stage pass soon lol.

[PlonkeeMumma]

I'm so glad the last few days have been a bit better for you.

I do really know where you are at with your first post - could have written it myself but about slightly different problems, Oscar isn't a bolter so much now but he was from when he could crawl (6 1/2 months) until about 6 months ago. The 'button pressing' older son and really not liking the parent i become some days is so true and i end up feeling terribly guilty when ive had a bad day and they are in bed and i think of the way i have acted towards him/them - not good. The 'no' to everything is so draining especially when you've made an effort to take them somewhere nice that they should like and after five minutes they are 'don't want it!' grrrrr

The toilet training is sooo frustrating too - i'm sure whoever above is looking down on us giggling at us trying to tt a kid at an age when all they want to do is assert themselves - the timing is so bad - we have had a particularly nasty poo disaster today which i won't go into but big hugs to MelanieR!

Anyway, will stop rambling now but just wanted to say i know how you feel and don't feel guilty as it sounds like we are all fairly normal in our reactions even though they are not what we would 'choose' to do.

Enjoy some peace when your dh gets back

Julie x

[christy]

How are you going now Chloe? Any lights at the end of your tunnel?