Christy, Ashlea used to wake for hours in the night and nothing i could do would get her back to sleep. Then as a result, she was feral the next day due to not enough sleep. You just can't win! I'm sorry I dont have any helpful advice but i know what your going through and sending you a big hug

Ashlea was also in day care 2 days a week and I didnt want to put her in more cause I wasn't working and felt terrible sending her to day care if I wasn't working, until I was told by 2 people, a Doctor and the Maternal heath care nurse that she really needed to be in an extra day because she 1. Needed the mental and social stimulation and 2. She needed her own independance and time away from me. Ashlea is older than Matilda though, but it helped me not feel so bad about sending her to day care when it wasn't completely neccassary in terms of me working.

I hope things get a bit better for you, you remind me so much of me and Ashlea with some of the things you say, esspecially the "I don't know how to be a gentle parent when they're having tantrums"
I'm exactly the same, i stay calm to a certain point then just crack, and I know as soon as i get upset it makes things worse, but at the time I can't help myself. I've ended up in tears over it all myself, but hopefully things start getting better for you soon.