Does your husband or partner help you?

[Jenstar]

I am interested in hearing from other stay-at-home mums whose DH or DP works full-time. To what extent do they help you with housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children?

My DH works a good 50 hour week, goes out to play poker two nights a week (not for money) and goes for a day-long motorbike ride on one of his 2 days off. He also quite often has a drink at the pub for an hour or so after work with the guys from work. I don't get any help around the house or assistance with hands-on caring of the children like feeding or bathing them.

DH doesn't even take the rubbish out unless I ask. He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around, but he doesn't do an ounce of housework or even handyman stuff. My dad ends up doing the handyman things that need doing. Is there anyone else in this situation?

It seems all my friends have these wonderful, caring full-time working DHs or DPs who manage to also help out at home. My DH gives me the "I work a very long, hard week and I'm the one bringing home the money" routine.

[Kitt3n]

LOL, i think we need to make a hubby training schedule for all BB members

... week 1 - gentle coaxing to take out rubbish of his own accord

Sorry, not much help to you Jenstar, we both have to work

[Jenstar]

I wish I could work to contribute to the family income but I am expecting our 3rd child soon. I am always racking my brains for some kind of business I could do from home. That way I would also have an interest outside of the children (he has work, poker, pub, motorbike).

[mrsmac]

Honey i work and i still have the same problem!!! Because I ONLY work 3 days a week I have it easy according to DH, this year I am working 4 days but it will still be the same cause HE has to be at work at 6.30am and as a mere school teacher my job is sooooo easy that I shouldn't be tired at all!!! (hear my sarcasm!) I could be mean and point out that in my 4 days i will earn more than him but I'm not that mean but it is frustrating when he completely negates both my paid jib and my unpaid one as being easy.

[Nicambhar]

I am hearing you.. I do the books, ordering and banking for our business and have 3 kids with one on the way and DF just uses the old " I am the worker so I don't have to do anything else, you have it easy ".
DF won't even mow the lawn, I have renovated completely two houses and made a great profit with DF sitting on a chair with a beer in his hand watching me - I kid you not either.
My DF tells me that he pays my wages every week so he can tell me what to do and by that I mean pick up his smelly clothes, clean up his dirty dishes that he leaves all over the house and sometimes even flush the toilet after him( and I mean, flush the toilet ) cause he says he is too tired and forgets to do it.
I don't honestly think anything can change the way they are.

[Beach Mama]

Awww hun :hugs: it is really hard isn't it - especially when it becomes sort of like a competition. DH works really long hours, often 6 days a week so he really doesn't do much housework at all. At the moment I don't really mind but I am back to work part-time in a week or so and I think we might need to have a gentle chat about it then. You both live in the house, you both "work" - its just that one of you gets paid and the other doesn't. He needs to realise that it is a joint responsibility to keep the household running.

Maybe you could just set out a few things that just he does, like its his job to put out the bins, clean the shower (tough to do when you are pg and he can keep doing it when bubs arrives!) etc and that way, even though he goes out you will feel like he is contributing too.
Could you also have one night that is like a "date" night, get a sitter or wait til the kids are in bed and just spend time with each other. We have to do this too - because combined with working 6 days a week and soccer training two nights a week we have to plan time together. Im not looking forward to soccer actually starting because then Saturdays are out too. Ugh its so hard isn't it - I hope you find a solution thats works for you.

[Jenstar]

Thank god we don't have a lawn to mow and at least mine flushes the toilet although he does leave the empty toilet roll there without replacing (not hard to do when there's a stack of new toilet paper beside the toilet). I have the dirty clothes, shoes and dishes issue. Mine watches TV with beer in hand while I take out the rubbish. He knows his job is the bins (although he thinks it's sexist) but to him this just means taking out for the rubbish collector once a week. He used to even sit there on the couch watching me bring in bags of groceries up the stairs but I nipped this one in the bud. A lightbulb can go unchanged for weeks and other small odd jobs get left undone simply because he doesn't do it and it's horrible having to nag about these obvious and petty things, isn't it?

DH would never clean the shower in a million years!! In fact, he could live with it uncleaned forever. A long time ago when we shared a place with a flatmate, the flatmate and I would do all of the cleaning until we incorporated a plan to involve all 3 of us. It was his turn to do the kitchen dishes. Well, they sat there for almost a week and the kitchen became one huge mess. We just sort of ate and prepared our food around it until in the end, the flatmate and I could stand it no more - we came home from work to find the stench unbearable and maggots everywhere!! It was soooo disgusting. In hindsight, I should've known back then what I would be marrying.

[Rach75]

:hugs:

Jase works mon-fri 6.30am-3pm he does no housework no cooking no dishes but he does mow the lawn, take out rubbish and will bath, feed Jack when I ask.

He has always been this way, I am sure when I have #2 and #3 I will expecta bit more but for now I am happy with what he does mind you if he did the dishes occasionally i would be over the moon

[Mum0809]

I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

Boy I have it easy.

[Jenstar]

I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

That's fantastic JoJo. Never take it for granted. Does he work full-time? It seems all my friends have partners like this. Ho hum....woe is me....
No amount of training will change my DH. No matter what strategy I try it comes off as nagging or that I can't handle things and no husband likes a nagging wife now do they.

[Heaven]

I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

Boy I have it easy.

No way JoJo, that's the way it should be!

[mrsmac]

Jo, can we clone him??? Is he good looking as well LOL??

[Kitt3n]

pass on your training schedule jo?

i am pretty lucky too, DF does all of our cooking (he even makes me cheese on toast!!), and many other things, including getting dd to school which is a BIG help here.

the only thing that drives me nuts is that i come home to unmade beds - and if there are dishes on the table i crack!

[fionas]

When I was working I made it clear that I expected domestic stuff to be split 50/50. Otherwise, we wouldn't be together. I could not respect, let alone fall in love with a man who can't cook himself (and me) a decent meal, do his washing or know how to use a vacuum cleaner. Because anything less would not seem fair to me and I don't find unfair, lazy or incompetent very sexy.

Now that I"m a SAHM, I see his job as working and my job as looking after DD and the house. So I think it's fair that I do most things but would also expect him to put in when asked. So, for instance, he does the grocery shopping because I can't stand pottering around supermarkets but DP actually quite enjoys it.

Things would probably change if we had another child though and there was more to do.

But I honestly think this stuff is something that you have to talk about VERY early in your relationship. No point thinking they will magically morph into a domestic god. If they're not that way when you meet them, then you've got your work cut out.

[Mum0809]

Mrsmac - I think his good looking but I might be bias. He has a few pregnancy kilos to lose but. LOL

Catrionalee - He was trained when I got him.

Jenstar - Yes he works full time, Monday to Friday, 2pm til midnight, but he is going to take some time off when our bub is born to spend time with him and to help me.

[dee73]

I'm one of the lucky ones too. My dh works full time, but in his line of work that means 4 days on/4 days off, so on his days off he does heaps around the house and also quite enjoys the handyman type stuff.

Jenstar, I think the saddest thing I read in your post was the comment "He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around..." Does this mean this is the way your kids see him - just as someone who tells them off? I hope he has some fun with them too, for his sake and theirs.

[Jenstar]

Jenstar, I think the saddest thing I read in your post was the comment "He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around..." Does this mean this is the way your kids see him - just as someone who tells them off? I hope he has some fun with them too, for his sake and theirs.

Oh no, sorry I wasn't clear. He has heaps and heaps of fun with them. Always horsing around and playing games with them. I am not so good at the discipline thing so I appreciate when he can pitch in and reinforce me in that department. It's not like he's always yelling at them or anything. I just feel they listen and respond to a man's voice better.

I guess some partners are good at the handyman and housework thing but may not be so good in the bond/play with the kids thing. Can't have it all. Gotta think of all those single mums out there too doing it tough on their own with no male support. No, I'm just having a rant because I would love for DH husband to do more around the house and it just annoys me at times. He is an extremely good father though.

[nic]

Jenstar, when my DD was born after emergency c/s DH went back to work when she was 2 weeks old. He was driving 75klms to get to his then job, to start around 8am i think, finish at 5, home around 6ish and would then hang out clothes, bathe DD and help me get dinner ready.
Now he works a different job where by the time he wakes up then gets home from work he has been up about 15 hours, working 12.25 of them. He doesn't feel like doing much when he gets home, can't really blame him there though, but sometimes he helps with dinner. He always has 'his' time when he gets home, 5 minutes to himself then DD and I can unload whatever happened during the day on him. depending on what day it is, DD might read a school book to him instead of me.
On his days off he usually cooks. I always do the dishes, he has on occasion helped me out with that, not many though. He is learning to take the rubbish downstairs before the bin is overflowing all over the floor, but I still yet to train him to bring out the old toilet rolls LOL!
My DH has lots of other little pet hates, like leaving dirty clothes on the bedroom floor then wondering why he has no clean clothes?? I explained to him recently that it's the little things like the rubbish, loo rolls and dirty clothes, that take less than 2 minutes to do, that I really appreciate. I think it shows that he is willing to make some sort of effort and not just leave it hoping I will do it, a little bit of help goes a long way and also makes me feel just that little bit more appreciated.
Once I felt like he appreciated me then the housework didn't seem like such a chore, don't know if that makes sense or not?

Goodluck!

Nic