Big hugs Mel. So, what, you're not perfect? Welcome to the club mate

There isn't a single person on this forum, in the world, who hasn't missed the mark in their parenting sometimes (uh, in my case - a lot ).
But if you're questioning your actions and trying to work out how to do it better, then you're already doing better than a lot of people out there.
FWIW it took me years of being a parent to work that out, that sometimes I'm wrong & need to apologise to my kids. And I've done that, usually something like "what you did wasn't cool, and it made me lose my ****. But how I reacted wasn't okay either and I'm sorry" - I like it that they are learning I'm not perfect, and that it's okay to 'fess up when you're wrong.

You are doing one of the toughest jobs out there, with four young kids under five - I think you're awesome.

And, I'm really sorry about your book. That would get me, too Hope it can be repaired.