thanks girls.
i will try to visualise and relax before reacting.

Here is an example from this arvo.
Dinner time - DD decides to spread rice all over the floor off her plate.
i ask her to stay away as i need to mop the floor (ok ok didnt need to be dont right now and i see that in hind sight).
She comes over to crawl through the rice as i am cleaning it, DS follows her and slips over hittin ghis head on the tiles, i crack it at DD for coming over (i know it wasnt her fault but i reacted).

So i finished cleaning and put the kids in the playroom for 5 mins of time out for me, i come out and DD has my car keys out of the drawers, and has scratched the walls and all the doors in our rental property, again i crack it and start trying to clean and buff it (again i know it didnt need to be done at that exact time but i am a clean freak).

DS wants me and come up and grabs my hair pulling it hard, i scream as it hurt, DS crys, DD goes for the keys again.

i loose it and put everyone to bed with milk.

this is just today, and i know i didnt cope well with the situation, and i hate myself for the ways i reacted.