Nearly every day is bad

[goddessofdawn]

Thanks all. Yes, I'm exhausted. But not much can be done about that....

As for the "sleeping through" issue - it's not as though I expect her to sleep through every night. I expect her to wake up, and need me, and I'm happy to go to her.
The thing is, it takes up to 1 HOUR each time she wakes, to resettle her.
Sometimes I can just rock her, sometimes I can just tap her in the cot (depends how awake she is) but most of the time she won't allow that and I HAVE to breastfeed her. For a long time. Then I pick her up and rock her, then when she is 99% asleep she goes in her cot and I tap her for 5-10 minutes (I'm developing a hunchback!)
And a lot of the time, after resettling her, I go back to bed.... and she wakes up 5 minutes later. In that moment it is truly heartbreaking!

I don't rush to her as soon as she cries out, because sometimes, she obviously isn't truly "awake", and will resettle herself. But most of the time I have to go in. Sometimes she lets my husband rock her, and sometimes she gets too upset, and I step in before too much damage is done.

I know in years to come I probably won't remember any of this.... but it's so hard NOW. And I know lots of other mums find it hard, but most of them end up having more children, so obviously they don't find it that bad in the end
But I won't be having anymore. It is too much for me. Good thing I didn't know all this beforehand, or I would not have had my beautiful daughter. I love her so much and I know it will be worth it.
It's just the hardest thing I have had to do, and I find myself "counting down" the months until she turns 2, and 3...

[onthefly]

Have you tried co-sleeping? It *might* make the wakeups quicker.
It all really does look different a year or so down the track

[goddessofdawn]

Have you tried co-sleeping? It *might* make the wakeups quicker.

Should have said - we tried co-sleeping from the start. Little Miss couldn't even fall asleep sleeping with us - I guess we disturb her too much! She likes her own space. (She hated being in a sling too! So much for attachment parenting!)
In the morning, she comes into my bed for a BF, but won't fall asleep there with me.

She also naps while being BFed... and will ONLY nap while being BFed. She finished feeding and will nap on my lap, but if I try and put her down..... nuh. So I really don't get a break, literally! Not even at naptime. I forget that "normal" babies nap in cots during the day!

[Gigi]

my DD wouldn't sleep longer than two hours (every day and night, 24.7) before 19 months. Then suddenly at 20 months, she started having a five hour sleep at night. BLISS! But my body had gotten into the habit of not sleeping so badly, insomnia wouldn't let ME sleep, even when SHE suddenly DID sleep. I had been so alert for so long, thinking "it's not worth going to sleep, she will be awake so soon", so i didn't - and would literally crash out for maybe two hours, per day. SLEEP DEPRIVATION is horrible and it really screws with your head. I was really short tempered, grumpy, nothing could cheer me up and i look back and wonder why i didn't crash the car, driving in that state.

our situations aren't identical, but there are aspects of your situation that i really relate to (in the past tense, as my LO is four now).

if i could write a letter to my sleep deprived self back then (from here and now), this is what i would put

- ok, i know you (meaning me) tried the Hug a bub and the canadian baby carrier and they were too hard/awkward, but there are easier slings out there, i found the Peanut Sling LONG after i actually needed it. Even if i had just used that, to settle her, me sitting down, at least i would have had two hands free to do something.

- i wish i had had a comfy recliner chair, cos i spent so much time settling her and bf-ing her, that would have been so useful. instead i made do with the corner of the sofa. So one side was supportive, the other, was sore. The beauty of a good recliner, is that you can actually sleep in it (you the mum). So if your LO likes to fall asleep ON you, then at least in a recliner, you could nap as well. Not perfect, but it's something, cos you could prolly benefit from that sleep right about now.

- the buying of fresh food and groceries became hit n miss, my assumption that dh would actually do the grocery shopping, was naive. i wish i had worked out how to buy groceries online, and just done that. Not worried about the delivery cost, just focused on "well at least there will be decent food at home, instead of the weetbix and iced coffee i ended up living on".

- i had no family support either, it used to frustrate me to listen to other mums complaining about their mothers, and MILS, who while they did some annoying things, at least they came over, watched the baby so the mum could have a shower - something practical like that - i would have been so happy for that to happen to me. In lieu of that, i think i would have been wiser to book a cleaner each fortnight, to do the most pressing bits (e.g mop all the wet areas), again, not get hung up on the cost, just let dh realise, there was a COST involved in him not helping out.

- i remember reading the Riot Act to my (then) dh, in our case, it wasn't about playing sport, it was about "who took care of the nappies". I told him, either he was a father to a baby ALL the time (clean, dirty, sick, well, happy, sad) - which includes changing her bottom, or he could be a part time dad who only saw her on Sundays. I explained, i did not LOVE changing nappies, but this tiny human being, depended on us ENTIRELY for her hygiene, and if we didn't do it, she would be very sick. As obvious as all this sounds to me (and prolly you), i was amazed at the change in him AFTER i did my nut, and explained all this in minute detail. From then on, he voluntarily changed her whenever she needed it, when he was home, including putting hte poo into the loo and washing the nappies.

i totally sympathise with you, i was falling asleep in weird places and was scared to sit down in case i fell asleep, it was so bad.

You are so on the money, your life changes SO MUCH once you have a bub, if your dh wants to continue his life, as he did, "pre-baby", he's not in the real world.

Parenthood is something he can either experience WITH you, or continue to be a parent, when it suits him.

If he continues to be so selfish, he is damaging his relationship with you. Is his sport so great, that he is prepared to lose wife and child over it? That sounds dramatic, but if he continues showing so little respect, for you, for what you're going thru, for your child - it COULD come to that. Woudln't be the first time.

i'm sure you've tried HEAPS of things already, but have you tried having her cot NEXT to your bed, so while you're patting her, you're lying in your own bed too? not cosleeping, but sleeping close by?

i wish you all the best
i wish you SLEEP
i wish you a more settled bub (she could be picking up on how stressed you are too, point that out to dh)
it's hard to "enjoy" your bub, their first milestones etc, when you are holding up your eyelids with matchsticks. instead you end up resenting the baby, when it's really the lack of sleep, the lack of support, that is the problem.

best of luck hon, you really sound at the end of your rope.

[goddessofdawn]

If he continues to be so selfish, he is damaging his relationship with you. Is his sport so great, that he is prepared to lose wife and child over it? That sounds dramatic, but if he continues showing so little respect, for you, for what you're going thru, for your child - it COULD come to that.

I sometimes imagine myself reaching breaking point, and taking off one day. And saying to him, I ASKED you to take a break for just one season, and you wouldn't. So now YOU deal with this.
Of course I wouldn't actually do this. Just a wild fantasy that I indulge in sometimes, when I am feeling unsupported.
Oh and your comment about why didn't you crash the car..... guess what I did when DD was 2 months old? A write-off! But that's another story (we didn't tell our family - pretended that our car died and so we had to get another one) Bad times...
Does your 4-year-old sleep through now?

Zaki&Amali ~ that is sweet of you to say you'd give me a break if you could. ... I don't mind people telling me it will get easier, but I guess I don't believe that it will get easier for ME. I remember being told that by the time my DD was 3 MONTHS old, it would all fall into place! Pfffffttt!

Beanybub ~ the depressing thing is that my daughter is 16 months old.... older than your son, and things still aren't great. I know Gigi said it is the lack of sleep and lack of support that is the cause of my difficulty, but I can't help thinking....
if I were a better mum, I would be able to handle things by now, surely!
Doesn't help that my 2 sister-in-laws (who I don't know at all, really) give the impression that motherhood is one constant state of easy bliss. One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!

Thanks EVERYONE for taking the time to reply to me!!

[Arcadia]

One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!!!

I am sorry people are so insensitive. Yes, listening to my baby cry for hours WOULD be hard work, in fact it would break my heart, so I didn't do it. I am not dissing anyone who does use CIO and strict routines etc, but geez, cut us all some slack if we choose not to!

I remember 16 months being tricky, because DD wasn't able to be reasoned with, and yet was so active and into everything.

I honestly think you need to look at your sleeping arrangements. Maybe your DD hates the cot? Mine couldn't stand it and slept heaps better when we switched to a bed. I also think she wants to be close to you - which is normal and understandable (my 26 month old sleeps right up next to me, including nap times). Our routine is that I go to bed with her. Yes it means you 'get nothing else done'...but honestly, life WITH sleep is so much easier, and you suddenly have the energy to do things with child in tow.

Can you trial popping her in your bed for day sleeps, so breastfeed to sleep and then nap with her? And then at night, would you consider putting her in a bed in your room? Or even getting a double for you and her to sleep in?

I really hope you can find things that work for you. You are NOT alone in this. We're all here listening and supporting you...please call on us if you need (I'm in melbourne btw).

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Huge, huge hugs. I remember the baby days. Being told by DH that I wanted the baby... but I wanted a husband too! I wanted help! I'd seen his mother help his brother and SiL and thought I may get one hour a month off! The lack of appreiation didn't help either. I cooked, cleaned, looked after baby, did all the night waking, no lie-ins... and got it in the neck if the vacuuming needed doing.

Walking out and leaving DH with DS for two hours when DS was 11m old turned my life around. Wish I'd done it earlier.

Does it get easier? No. It gets different. So OK, I now work full-time and do 90% of the parenting (and get whinged at about DH needing to pick his own son up from nursery), DS doesn't regularly sleep through, but can do a couple of months without night waking, he is now finally toilet trained and can be reasoned with, have fun film nights and worst case he can just play on my handheld games thing. He will sit and read a book on his own for up to half an hour. His two best mates have great mums and we get together for fun afternoons. But he can ask for specific toys when we're out at the shops and I don't like lego on the floor. I don't like that he can reason back! I don't like that my abusive mother now realises she can start her psychological games on him.

Does it get harder? I would say absolutely not. It gets different - and we all cope with different stages differently and they affect us differently and we get different support from our menfolk and even children's grandparents at different stages. FiL helps out with DS now he plays trains, DH is going to take DS fishing this summer, nursery school means I have a life again. Help with children is everything. I had no help with a baby so that, for me, was a tough stage despite not wanting to admit it and everyone telling me to "just wait until..." (mostly my abusive mother, admittedly).

I know a "bad" mother (IMO) who has 3 children. She lets them scream all night at 6w old. That's making them sleep 6pm-8am. You know what - I love my son and he loves me. More important than sleep or having the large family I want: my son is important and he knows it. No matter how hard it is, he has it better than someone whose mother sees her children as an accessory and wants an easy life. OK, judgemental, but she thinks I'm a bad mum for being friends with my son and treating him as a person with opinions and a personality (he didn't need enouraging on that front) rather than a baby.

[HotI]

Doesn't help that my 2 sister-in-laws (who I don't know at all, really) give the impression that motherhood is one constant state of easy bliss. One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!

Poo poo to them! If you haven't had a non-sleeper, you can't understand what it is like. A friend has told me 'that's not enough sleep, just put her back in the cot'- Yeah right, cos that is gonna work.

I read the NCSS a few months back and thought it had good ideas. I re-read it recenly cos i was ready to attempt to make changes, and found that it didn't really have anything to offer me apart from reassurance that eventually she will learn how to to sleep. There are ideas that i have used but they haven't made much difference in the big picture.

I don't have any advice, but you do have my empathy.

take care,

[Gigi]

I sometimes imagine myself reaching breaking point, and taking off one day. And saying to him, I ASKED you to take a break for just one season, and you wouldn't. So now YOU deal with this.
Of course I wouldn't actually do this. Just a wild fantasy that I indulge in sometimes, when I am feeling unsupported.
i hear you

Oh and your comment about why didn't you crash the car..... guess what I did when DD was 2 months old? A write-off! But that's another story (we didn't tell our family - pretended that our car died and so we had to get another one) Bad times...
wow, how terrifying for you, i am glad you are hear (and your bub) to tell the tale now. i feel i was so close to that too, it was pure luck that i didn't.

Does your 4-year-old sleep through now?

I know Gigi said it is the lack of sleep and lack of support that is the cause of my difficulty, but I can't help thinking....
if I were a better mum, I would be able to handle things by now, surely!
GODDESS, my bub was doing the whole "only sleep for two hours at a time" at 16 months as well, i was a walking zombie.
And i had people around me (parenting support worker, child health nurse, playgroup mums) all tell me basically "it's all your fault cos you don't do CIO, and breastfeed, and breastfeed at night - so you get what you deserve" etc. None of which is true, but being bombarded with that, whilst being a walking zombie, you can imagine what this did to my self esteem e.g I am a bad and non-coping mother who does not deserve my baby.

Doesn't help that my 2 sister-in-laws (who I don't know at all, really) give the impression that motherhood is one constant state of easy bliss. One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!
you know that's rubbish, but SO hard to hear, when you're struggling yourself. i often wished for relatives, but maybe i was better off, if that's the kind of crap i would have had to listen to LOL.

Parenting is not a competition
Children are different
Yet some people act as if THEIR experience, SHOULD be everyone else's too
and that how THEY choose to parent, should be the way EVERYONE chooses to parent

Thanks EVERYONE for taking the time to reply to me!!

honey, my four year old DOES sleep through the night, been happening for quite a while
we had regression in last few months, (r'ship breakup, moving home, so lots of change and upset for her - so quite understandable)
but apart from that, yes, she became a much better sleeper IN HER OWN TIME.
We tried Sleep School and it was a nightmare - very traumatic for both her and me
and CIO didn't help her sleep at all, it made her frightened and stressed out - took quite some time to "get over" the two weeks of Sleep School.

SOme things, in the hard light of day - when you are rested and thinking well - are true

we can ALL get better (at everything we do) it's possible

we all function better when we get a good night's sleep

it is easier to problem solve, make jokes, be cheerful, when you've had a good night's sleep

it is easier to function when the people around you are supportive, don't put you down (so put some space between you and the negative rellies if you can, find your support where you can, for me, it was online e.g BB. otherwise i would have gone round the bend.

you will enjoy your baby more, when you're rested. for now, remember you are doing the best you can, in teh circumstances. and it will not always be like this. you have the rest of her childhood to look forward to. Look for "right now" solutions. (i wonder if one of your "so-called perfect SIL's would take your bub for a few hours one afternoon, for you to do whatever you need to do (sleep, get a haircut, whatever you've been putting off due to the constant cycle of no sleep).

My best tip - that i learn the hard way
Try not to discuss anything negative happening with your parenting, with teh "perfect" parents. You will only cop put downs, subtle or blunt.
Find "safe places" to discuss those topics, with people who will listen, and not put you down for not being perfect.

i stopped answering "so how's she sleeping?" from all and sundry, cos i just got mown down every time - the subtext was "you're the bad mother, you're choice of parenting is what is causing the no sleep". absolute bollocks.
Whereas, when i discussed the lack of sleeping issue in my Supportive Zone e.g bb - i got helpful suggestions, support and empathy.

Repeat after me Goddess of Dawn "I am doing the best i can under the circumstances, this does not make me a bad mum".

[goddessofdawn]

Thanks everyone, again!

I wish I had instant access to all you guys whenever I'm having a hard time, lol. You all know just what to say.

Gigi that was all so helpful, everything you wrote. Thank you.

You know, I was considering a 'sleep consultant'. She doesn't do controlled crying where bub is left alone to cry, but says there may be crying while you are with your bub, using her techniques. I am kind of in 2 minds about it....

If anyone is still reading this thread, have you had any experience (good or bad) with sleep consultants?