my DD wouldn't sleep longer than two hours (every day and night, 24.7) before 19 months. Then suddenly at 20 months, she started having a five hour sleep at night. BLISS! But my body had gotten into the habit of not sleeping so badly, insomnia wouldn't let ME sleep, even when SHE suddenly DID sleep. I had been so alert for so long, thinking "it's not worth going to sleep, she will be awake so soon", so i didn't - and would literally crash out for maybe two hours, per day. SLEEP DEPRIVATION is horrible and it really screws with your head. I was really short tempered, grumpy, nothing could cheer me up and i look back and wonder why i didn't crash the car, driving in that state.

our situations aren't identical, but there are aspects of your situation that i really relate to (in the past tense, as my LO is four now).

if i could write a letter to my sleep deprived self back then (from here and now), this is what i would put

- ok, i know you (meaning me) tried the Hug a bub and the canadian baby carrier and they were too hard/awkward, but there are easier slings out there, i found the Peanut Sling LONG after i actually needed it. Even if i had just used that, to settle her, me sitting down, at least i would have had two hands free to do something.

- i wish i had had a comfy recliner chair, cos i spent so much time settling her and bf-ing her, that would have been so useful. instead i made do with the corner of the sofa. So one side was supportive, the other, was sore. The beauty of a good recliner, is that you can actually sleep in it (you the mum). So if your LO likes to fall asleep ON you, then at least in a recliner, you could nap as well. Not perfect, but it's something, cos you could prolly benefit from that sleep right about now.

- the buying of fresh food and groceries became hit n miss, my assumption that dh would actually do the grocery shopping, was naive. i wish i had worked out how to buy groceries online, and just done that. Not worried about the delivery cost, just focused on "well at least there will be decent food at home, instead of the weetbix and iced coffee i ended up living on".

- i had no family support either, it used to frustrate me to listen to other mums complaining about their mothers, and MILS, who while they did some annoying things, at least they came over, watched the baby so the mum could have a shower - something practical like that - i would have been so happy for that to happen to me. In lieu of that, i think i would have been wiser to book a cleaner each fortnight, to do the most pressing bits (e.g mop all the wet areas), again, not get hung up on the cost, just let dh realise, there was a COST involved in him not helping out.

- i remember reading the Riot Act to my (then) dh, in our case, it wasn't about playing sport, it was about "who took care of the nappies". I told him, either he was a father to a baby ALL the time (clean, dirty, sick, well, happy, sad) - which includes changing her bottom, or he could be a part time dad who only saw her on Sundays. I explained, i did not LOVE changing nappies, but this tiny human being, depended on us ENTIRELY for her hygiene, and if we didn't do it, she would be very sick. As obvious as all this sounds to me (and prolly you), i was amazed at the change in him AFTER i did my nut, and explained all this in minute detail. From then on, he voluntarily changed her whenever she needed it, when he was home, including putting hte poo into the loo and washing the nappies.

i totally sympathise with you, i was falling asleep in weird places and was scared to sit down in case i fell asleep, it was so bad.

You are so on the money, your life changes SO MUCH once you have a bub, if your dh wants to continue his life, as he did, "pre-baby", he's not in the real world.

Parenthood is something he can either experience WITH you, or continue to be a parent, when it suits him.

If he continues to be so selfish, he is damaging his relationship with you. Is his sport so great, that he is prepared to lose wife and child over it? That sounds dramatic, but if he continues showing so little respect, for you, for what you're going thru, for your child - it COULD come to that. Woudln't be the first time.

i'm sure you've tried HEAPS of things already, but have you tried having her cot NEXT to your bed, so while you're patting her, you're lying in your own bed too? not cosleeping, but sleeping close by?

i wish you all the best
i wish you SLEEP
i wish you a more settled bub (she could be picking up on how stressed you are too, point that out to dh)
it's hard to "enjoy" your bub, their first milestones etc, when you are holding up your eyelids with matchsticks. instead you end up resenting the baby, when it's really the lack of sleep, the lack of support, that is the problem.

best of luck hon, you really sound at the end of your rope.