Please don't judge me - just need a place to vent

[Barb Glare]

Hi,
Despite all our dreams, all the books we read, the classes we do, new motherhood rarely meets our expectations. I remeber very clearly and with some embarrassement, thrusting my 3 week old breastfed baby and a bottle into my husband's arms and taking off for a long drive (actually, I think my thought process at that time was that I was never going back - but I did, and went on to breastfeed for a long time!). To be honest, motherhood was completely overwhelming. You have got some great suggestions. If you feel that you might be heading towards PND, please talk to some-one about it.
Regarding breastfeeding hang in there and get the help you need-and ask over and over and over again. It is something worth getting right.
Give us an update on how things are.

[mrsmac]

I can remember with DD1 sobbing whilst trying to attach her to the bb and thinking I thought this was supposed to be natural and EASY!
I think the pressure to have those blissful/ happy mummy feelings 24/7 is very strongly put upon us by a lot of society and its great to have people openly admit that it isn't always like that. Motherhood is damn hard, there are challenges every step of the way- yes its very rewarding and wonderful sometimes but its also boring, tiring and frustrating!

You are doing a great job hun, be kind to yourself.

[Visitor9]

Nae,
I think also the journey you have travelled makes you feel like it should be like a "picture". It was quite hard to get here and how can we possibly not love every aspect of motherhood. Be gentle on yourself and hopefully some of the wonderful ideas pp have posted may help. To be honest - It took me a long time to really enjoy motherhood and felt I couldnt tell people any of the true feelings.

[Nai]

Nae - nobody is judging you hun! You are doing a fantastic job. I think sometimes when you are so focused on the pregnancy and getting through that, the part that comes after can be a bit of a shock to the system. It does take a huge amount of adjustment to go from being pregnant to actually being a mum!

I also agree with using a sling. I have a hug-a-bub that was the only one that Miss J would settle infor her day sleeps for the first 6 weeks of her life. She was a windy baby and I think she really needed to be upright to be comfortable. Also she was close to me and needed that constant bond to settle. We also ended up co-sleeping for the first 3 weeks at night for the same reason. If you want to try the hug-a-bub sling I'm happy to send it to you if you like.

Miss J has gone through periods of breast preference too - even now she is clearly preferring the right one and she is 9 months old! I would try feeding lying down as you may find she is more relaxed (and so are you). The ABA help line is a great support - I have called them a couple of times and it really helped.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Oh Nae no-one would judge you hun, your doing an amazing job.
No-one explains how hard it can be, in your head you think it's the most natural thing in the world and it should just happen but it doesn't.

DD was horrible at feeding on BOTH sides, she would fall asleep, grizzle, cry, scream i was at my wits end.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your gorgeous DD is admit that things are not going as best as they can, i definitely agree with ringing the ABA, they are VERY helpful.
We all have doubts after bubs has come along and yes crying is part of their process but the MCHN should have offered more help.

I hope someone has more advice for you, it's all trial and error but your doing a fantastic job so keep it up and i hope she settles for you ASAP and you can get back to enjoying your gorgeous little girl.

[Olive]

awwwwww hun everyone has given fantastic advice, please dont be too hard on yourself, motherhood is the hardest thing you will ever do but the most rewarding, things will get better i promise.
ive pm'd you hun

[AnyDream]

Big big hugs, feeding can be really tricky in the first weeks - I remember going to extreme lengths with a dummy simply because DD wouldn't attach at all. I would get her into position, get her happily sucking on the dummy, then in one liquid move (ok it was clumsy and fumbling at first) whip the dummy out and pop my (fairly flat and not very obliging) nipple in. I"m sure a LC would've been horrified - but it worked for us. I'm sure you'll stumble across some solutions that work for you -there have already been some good suggestions. I did wonder if you had tried putting S into a 'football hold' (ie under your arm) to feed on the right side, she might be more accepting of your breast if she's not tipped over the other way, kwim?

Hang in there sweetie. Many women go an entire lactaction feeding from only one breast so you've always got that as a fall-back plan. Now is the time you can draw on the resources of your local ABA group - having a breastfeeding counsellor on the phone acting as your cheer squad as often as you need it might be a real help right now. xxx and

[Trillian]

Oh hun there have been so many women who have felt the same way as you and there will be more to come after you. It sure isn't easy at times and I remember being the same as you with my first bub and it got to the point where DH just took him for a long drive because he would always sleep in the car so you could drive for hours before he woke and he left me at home to have a decent stretch of sleep and I tell you what it made a huge difference to my mental state at the time. I had a nice long hot shower too before they came back and I felt like I'd had a release kwim? We also had loads of issues with breastfeeding too and that didn't help at all either. I remember too on day 4 at home that I was beside myself crying and telling DH that I wish it was just the two of us again and it was just too hard and I didnt' want him anymore.

THings you can try would be to get DH to take her while you either sleep - get him to take her out of the house so you aren't tempted to get up to her if you hear her crying - or just do something that will recharge your batteries, hot shower etc. The other thing you can do is have a bath with her, make it nice an deep and jump in with her and just have a play and get her in a good frame of mind and then try feeding her. You will both be a lot more relaxed and it might be easier to get her to take the breast.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way though hun, because you just feel so awful about feeling like that and wondering if you amade a mistake, but it DOES get easier and whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug, there will always be someone here for you

[Tanya]

Nae, No-one is going to judge you, if you need help ask for it. You are not alone and there are plenty of ppl who would gladly help you out. Motherhood is not easy to adjust to, it's HARD!

So PLEASE if you need help, ask for it, you will not be judged a bad person/mother for it.

xx
Tanya

[onthefly]

NEver any judgment hon As you can see from the responses, we all understand.

The mother "coping great" on her own is an urban myth we must put a stop to!

This takes courage, but when you're not coping it's time to ask for help - Take whatever is offered to you and ask from whomever you can. Definately call the ABA and maybe get onto your hospital - they may have LCs and daystay facilities to help you out. (You've seen an LC already? Maybe need to find a different one)

[indie24]

No advice just offering you a hug DD has always prefered one bb to the other. I agree with everyone to ring the ABA. I found them to be a great help.

[Life is Good]

Hi NaeNae

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I am afraid that I just don't have time now to read everyone else's posts, but I just wanted to share my (similar) story.

I only breastfed for 2 weeks, primarily because of a ridiculously low supply, but during those two weeks I had the same problem. Turned out it was because our Monster had a very stiff neck because of how he was positioned in utero. Apparently this is quite common. Another side-effect of the stiff neck is a flattening of the head on the one side. Because of the stiff neck they also tend to tilt their head to one side when sleeping. I am not sure if this is also happening with your bub.

The stiff neck can be addressed by a physio, chiropractor or osteapath and it may be something that you just want to rule out, as it is something quite easily fixed over a couple of appointments.

It is a long shot, but it may explain why bubby favours lying on the one side.

All the best and I hope things get easier.

[Indadhanu]

Oh babe!

Everyone has given some GREAT advice, and I just wanted to say exactly what Minky has said:

Nae,
I think also the journey you have travelled makes you feel like it should be like a "picture". It was quite hard to get here and how can we possibly not love every aspect of motherhood. Be gentle on yourself and hopefully some of the wonderful ideas pp have posted may help. To be honest - It took me a long time to really enjoy motherhood and felt I couldnt tell people any of the true feelings.

Motherhood is NOT easy, no one ever said it was easy But is it worth it. The first few weeks are the hardest when it comes to breastfeeding, and no it probably won't be enjoyable until your milk has settled down, your nipples have gotten used to the extra stimulation, and your emotions aren't all over the place from the birth. I think having a chat with an LC or the ABA would be great, if only to give you someone to vent to! Also, the paed. chiro is a good idea too.

Take BG up on her offer, it is a really wonderful gesture and one that you should take BTW, I remember many times I ended up sitting on the shower floor crying my eyes out. No one tells you all these emotions will make you feel like you've hit rock bottom in the pit of dispair. Honestly, thats how I felt. And I felt like crap. It's annoying to hear, but feeling like that is NORMAL. It's not nice. It's not pretty. It certainly doesn't make you feel motherly. But it's NORMAL.

[Jahzara]

Nae,

Just wanted to give you some more of these

I am another that spent alot of time in the shower bawling with both DS#1 and DS#2.
I was so tired and emotional and had reflux / allergy babies who seemed to do nothing but cry / scream. Very very very hard times !

I totally understand - i did leave home one day - walked out and left my DH with 2 kids - i was gone for a couple of hours. I had no family or friends support cause we were in another state away from everyone. Easily the hardest time of my life !
This was when DS#2 was nearly a month old - we were still trying to find out what was wrong with him. I had reached breaking point and just needed to get away - all i wanted was my Mum - she had already gone back home and i wanted her to come back !

I really hope that things improve for you - you have alot of fantastic advice here - i hope it helps !

Please know that no-one is judging you and that you are definitely not alone.

I will be thinking of you - please take care.
Accept any help that comes your way.

Love to you and your family
xoxoxoxoxox

[Inanna]

Firstly big cuddles.

What you are feeling could have been written by me and I am sure many other mamas...

The gossamer image of the baby blissful at the breast - Mama coiffed and in a rocking chair with gauzy curtains blowing gently in the breeze... Often that takes time and hard work if it happens at all. It is a picture pedalled by the media!!!

This is so new to you. I fully get that you could walk away & leave them to it. I remember putting DD14 in her cot scarlet from screaming blue murder - shutting the door and running down the back stairs to sit in the farthest corner of the yard... I felt if I stayed a minute longer I woul have lost control of my faculties. I know how hard the road has been to have Shae in your arms - but that does not make your struggles any less difficult. The first weeks are dang tough.

I didn't lose control. Ruby lived and is now 14! I breastfed her until she was 3.

It isn't unusual for babies to not want one side. A couple of my babies did just what you describe.

What I suggest is you let go of what side she needs to feed from. You know some women only feed from one side for their lactation career! However, you will need to keep offering it - calmly though allow her to decide if she will take it or not. She won't - all good feeed from the side she "likes". You will need to express of that side for comfort.

She is so small honey and this behaviour is SO common. So, don't kick yourself or beat yourself up. This is what being a Mama is. It's about accepting your limits, persevering even when it feels impossible, and it's about a relationship between the two of you. She only knows you, you are her Universe! Don't take it as a rejection of you but rather just a quirky thing that many babies do.

Sending you love and support.

[misty]

I think everyone has already given you any advice that I possibly could have. But I just thought that I would let you know that I have felt that way with all 3 of my newborn babies (and sometimes as they are older for various reasons too). Usually somewhere between week 1 and week 2, I have a complete mental breakdown, go off at poor dh and completely shut everyone out because I can no longer cope with the lack of sleep, complete exhaustion and need to feed a newborn continually (I mean what is the point in even trying to sleep if I am just going to be woken up in a half an hour anyway).

This will pass (god I hated people telling me that). In the meantime, just take things one hr at a time. Taking an hr for yourself, is not going to hurt bubs or dh. relax. meditate. read a book. have a bath. have a sleep. do whatever you need to do to help keep yourself sane.

huggs. Just hang in there, I am sure you are doing a fabulous job. The absolute hardest thing is getting through these first few weeks and months.

[SareBear]

I was going to suggest the football hold too, that helped us when DS wouldn't attach on one side.

Also, have you looked in to a feeding clinic? DS and I went to the Women's in Melbourne and they were brilliant. The lactation consultants are there for you for every feed and are very supportive. It was also great to be out of the house for the day, talk to other mums and have someone bring you lunch.

I hope things start to get easier for you

[kelebek]

I could have so easily left DS in those early weeks and also wondered when the 'baby bliss' was suppose to start. Those early weeks are sooo hard, sleep deprivation, crazy hormones and establishing bf and getting use to something that is so different to what you have ever done before on a 24/7 basis.

I second the football hold, it worked for us in those early weeks (for me it was the right side that was a bit bung) bf is hard work at first as you both learn how to do it together. We also used nipple shields for a week or so to help with the night feeds and to heal my nipples.

You have been given some great advice for things you can do and it seems all so overwhelming, try to take it one step, one feed, one meal, one drink at a time. If the MHN doesn't seem to hear your cry for help gather strenght from us and try someone else. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it does get better I promise too