Please don't judge me - just need a place to vent

[Tiff+2]

I just wrote a huge post and lost it!

I wont go into everything again, but I just wanted to give you a heap of and tell you, you are not alone, this is completely normal and nobody could judge you for it. I'm sorry your parents are being so insensitive, that must make things even harder, not having them as back up.

I hope the Dr's went well for you and you got some real help. Getting help woth pnd should get you and DH back up again and help you feel more confident as parent. You are doing a great job even though it may not feel like it when your beautiful baby girl is crying non stop.

When I was finding things tough I found Tresillian to be a life saver! I called the hotline and spoke to the nurse for about an hour and she never rushed me. She talking through everything with me, listened, made some suggestions and some referals and I felt a heap better for it afterwards!!! It is a 24 hour hotline and they recommend ringing when bubby is unsettled so they can have a listen at their cry, but you ring (if you choose to) when ever it best suits you. I hope it's ok I post the number on here, its 1800 637 357. I don't know if thats just NSW and if it is there would definately be a similar thing where you are, but the number still may work anyway!

I wish you all the very best with it all. Parenthood is not easy by any means, I do hope you get to enjoy your little one more and more as she starts feeding and sleeping better for you. Just remember you are doing a great job, as is DH.

P.S My DD didn't like my left boob luckily she got over that after a while! I always wondered what the difference was?!

Heres another Thinking of you

[Nai]

Nae, I'm here if you need anything - motherhood is a tough gig and the first weeks are extra tough when you are getting to know each other and you have hormones going all over the place. I hope the Dr can help (and you are right keeping those away from you who aren't helping at all - like your mother).

[Nelle]

Hang in there Nae - when I first had my babies I had family in just to change nappies and just bring bub to me for feeds on the days where I barely coped. If you need that, don't hesitate to take people up on offers and ask for help, people remember what those early days are like.

One day at a time. xo

[Taurean]

Nae, big hugs from over in the West too!!! My god hon, you sound like I did in the first few weeks. Rest assured what you're going though is completely normal. I know it doesn't make you feel that much better when you feel so low and exhausted though.

I had to express and feed DD EBM as I had a low supply and she wasn't gaining enough weight. I know exactly what you mean about expressing and giving your DD a bottle. I hated it too. Our breastfeeding journey has been a bit of a nightmare to be honest but we did get there eventually but it did take a good 7 weeks (as I had SO many other BF issues but I won't go there!) and lots of determination and support. My family, friends and my brilliant LC were my saviours. I'm not sure I'd go through it all again but it has been amazing to finally get it together.

I had to resort to formula top ups as well at EBM as I wasn't producing enough milk to always top up with EBM. I was always comfortable with formula but I'm even more so now. DD is more than happy to have it and boy has it helped us as I'm a lot less stressed as I'm not constantly worried about getting DD down for a nap so I can express between feeds. She only has about one top up of formula a day now but that is still A-OK with us. She has it after her last breastfeed for the day and nods off for 10 hours so we definitely aren't complaining.

Anyway, not saying you should use formula but I just wanted you to know that it's surprising what you will do and work out together. You will get there, have faith hon.

You are doing an amazing job and all your emotions are very normal and so common with new mums. You're not alone hon, we are all here for you on BB and so are your friends and family (well, besides your parents by the sounds of it - LOL!). You are doing the right thing getting help from a LC and the doctor too. Good on you.

Hang in there hon, it honestly does get easier. I doubted all the BB girls when they told me that but hey, they were right

[cheekyfrog]

Nae, great big hugs. Sounds like you need lots of them at the moment. It's a scratchy time when your emotions are all over the place - at least you can say you've just had a baby and your hormones are all over the shop - what's with everyone else's issues? Was the same here, except I just had my mother to help out and didn't even see DP until Matthew was seven weeks old. It was a twin edged sword having my mother staying with me. I needed her help because I'd had a c/s but at one point she was telling me that I would "never" be able to bf if I didn't keep trying (I was struggling with DS not latching properly, trying to express and feeling bad about giving ff top ups). I responded with letting her know that she was making me feel like a failure and a bad mother so she retaliated with the threat that she'd bring her flight back to Hong Kong forward and leave me to it. It was truly horrible...

I'm glad you've been getting some extra assistance, you ARE doing a wonderful job and you ARE a wonderful mummy. You will get through this time. Call on your friends to help you. Don't try to struggle your way through on your own. All new mums need support.

[Acacia]

Nae, I hope that seeing your GP gives you some relief from how you are feeling - even just being upfront about what you're going through, being able to see it logically through your GPs eyes for a moment and assess what you can do to help yourself with their support can make such a difference. I'm so glad you're doing all the things you can to get the support and help you need - both for yourself and your DD's feeding.

If you want someone to talk to who's gone/going through PND please please don't hesitate to PM me, hun. I was so overwhelmed and felt that I was the only person who could help myself in the early days, and I isolated myself so badly that way, so I want you to know that it's really important that you find other people and talk to them about their experience so it can help normalise your own experience and give a little perspective.

I hope the feeding issues improve - I know it so hard to be in the moment, taking one feed at the time, but you must remember that it won't always be like this - things WILL improve. You baby girl is changing and getting bigger all the time and she will get the hang of things more and more as time goes on. You're both learning. Expressing from the side that is causing problems sounds like a great idea, and I hope you see it working before too long.

Big hugs, Nae. Just take it one moment at a time hun, everyone is here for you

[Gigi]

you poor darling. you must be stressed out of your tree, if you think other mums are going to judge you! nothing could be further from the truth.

lots of us have been where you are now, and i can remember (blurrily) feeling SOOOO overwhelmed in those early months.

baby can't verbalise anything to you, you're trying to guess why they're crying, no-one is getting any sleep and the sleep deprivation really drives you over the edge.

i desperately wanted to bf too, but for the first three months, i cannot say it was pain free for me. i have no idea what changed at three month mark, maybe she got better at sucking, and i got better at holding and relaxing, but it took us three months to build up the bf-ing relationship (establishment of bf-ing).

i hope you take up Brigsy's kind offer, i reckon you could do with a friendly face around.

i had some pretty judgemental health professionals that i saw early on, that really made me doubt myself. i'm sure there are good ones too, (good and bad in every profession) but i seemed to strike the ones that saw formula feeding as normal and bf-ing as "give up at first hurdle" type attitude - which is not what i needed.

it IS hard to find medical people with bf-ing expertise. the ABA and private LC's were the best i found. and posting in the bf-ing section of this forum.

i also had my own personal cheer squad, of seeing the ABA calendar pic each day in my kitchen on the wall, and reading the ABA magazine (from cover to cover) each two months "Essence", i love reading that. So real.

Getting to know your bub, and what to do with a new bub, is a HUGE learning curve. It's hard to learn ANYTHING when you're tired and stressed, so it's a big ask.

It takes time to work out what you need, and then to actually ask for it.
Prune everything back to basics.
Are you getting enough food and drink into YOU each day?
Do you sit down to breastfeed with a "essentials box", so that you have
- water
- snacks
-phone
- remote
- pen and paper
- something to read
- lip balm or whatever you like
- breastpads
- spare nappy to mop up spills
etc
at an arms reach?

if you're not getting to eat lunch, ask your dh to make you a packed lunch each day, waiting for you in the fridge. Or tupperware containers full of bite sized snacks, cut up veg suitable for eating with dip - something you can help yourself to one handed, with baby in one arm.

think of ONE THING each day, you would like to do, to feel like YOU again.

it can be something as simple as "having a shower".

let your parnter know what your ONE THING is, so they can help you achieve it.

even if your partner is at work all day, that's 8 hours they are NOT dealing with the demands of a nb, so don't feel guilty asking for help.

the chiro idea and the sling ideas are great. another thing is baby hammocks to sooth baby to sleep. i wish i had hired one of those for the first few months. Some babies get diagnosed with colic (vague term) and being in the hammock helps that.

a stranger in a chemist mentioned about gripe water to me early on, so i tried it on my nb (for unexplained crying). About three mins after giving her the gripe water, her tummy would gurgld, she would poop noisily (LOL) and then breathe a big sigh and start smiling. So i learnt, she needed a bit of help, to sometimes poop.

all trial and error. Try things, keep doing whatever works.

trying to help a nb, when they can't tell you what's wrong, you're continually trying to be creative, thinking up what COULD be wrong, (when usually very tired), it's an exhausting thing to keep doing 24 hours a day.

whilst pregnant, you can pretty much sleep when you want
baby arrives, suddenly it's often a few snatched hours of broken sleep
HUGE ADJUSTMENT

i bet you're doing alot better than you realise, you're just too tired to notice

big hugs to you, it IS hard work.

the blissed out breastfeeding took ages to happen for us, it did come, just alot later than i expected.

[Jennifer13]

Nae, you are having a really tough time right now and I hope you come through it soon.

Do the best you can and ask for any help/advice that you need. This WILL pass and you WILL feel better (and so will Shae). And FWIW, I think you're a star to be persisting with bfing, your determination will certainly get you there in the end.

[~Trish~]

Big hugs Nae . This is such a rough time atm, I've been there too. I remember not long after having DS1, I was struggling to eat my dinner while holding/settling him, I was exhausted and my hormones were going crazy. I said to my DH, "What were we thinking?!" and I was deadly serious. It's OK and it's normal to feel this way. There are so many adjustments to your life and keeping your bub happy is HARD work in the early days.

You really don't need the stress from other people right now . I swear the older generation forget how hard those first weeks are, where you are in survival mode and can't think about anyone else or their feelings. I guess the reason they forget is that it is over pretty quickly, it feels like FOREVER when you are going through it, but soon you will look back and realise it didn't take all that long to get through it. Like others have said, it does get much easier over time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you need anything Nae, please don't hesitate to ask, if I can do anything then I'm happy to help. If you want the number of a brilliant paediatric chiropractor, I can help. It really is worth considering if you are still struggling with settling Shae, they have a lot of success with settling babies . DD recently refused to feed from my left side and she was very unsettled. I took her to our paediatric chiro and we found out her neck was out. After two visits she is back to her happy self and feeding well from both sides.

I'm thinking of you .

[~mamaspice~]

NaeNae, I felt EXACTLY the same way emotionally that you're feeling right now. It was absolutely the hardest time in my life. And I felt I had no-where to turn.
I always saw myself as an extremely maternal person and thought I'd take to motherhood like a duck to water, but when bub came along I too thought I'd made a huge mistake.

Finally at 11 weeks someone took notice of me and my baby was diagnosed with reflux. What a relief. My baby was treated for the reflux and was finally more settled. But that was half the battle I was still having a tough tough time, and I ended up being diagnosed with PND. It was a huge relief to finally understand why I was feeling the way I was and it allowed me to start taking steps to make myself feel like me again and to build a bond with my daughter.

I am no expert on the BF side of things. My bub didn't take well because my milk never cae in properly so I was comp feeding by day 5 and she was totally on formula by 3 weeks. mainly becasue I had no support with the breastfeeding.

And I'm not saying you have PND, but I just want you to know you're not alone. We don't all have blissful babymoons. I certainly didn't.

And I can promise you that it will get better.

Hang in there and big to you.

[GoingtobebiginAsia]

Hi Nae, I just read this in an article on another website:

... in terms of guilt, be comforted that all mothers do their best in relation to raising their babies. “There’s more to mothering and a relationship with a child than just how we feed it,” she says. “The most important thing is that a mother feels supported and valued. So irrespective of whether she decides to breastfeed or not she shouldn’t feel guilty – I’m sure that she will be a great Mum either way.”

I am thinking of you, hoping things are gradually getting easier. I remember you said once you wouldn't beat yourself up about what kind of birth you had. Try not to beat yourself up about feeding/mothering either.

[NaeNae]

Wow,
Much love and hugest thanks to everyone for your support well wishes and for sharing all your own stories.
It seems that we have weathered the worst (hopefully) of the storm and things are starting to feel somewhat normal in a new/lack of sleep kind of way.

DD has had a bout of wind so that has made a few nights pretty aweful but now that we know what it is thats upsetting her it makes dealing with her crying and constant waking somewhat easier.

BF is still an issue but not the same one that we had earlier, now it seems she won't attach properly on either side especially when I am very full and the poor dear practically chokes down the first few mouthfuls. She makes this funny slurpy/sucky kind of sound every now and then but its not painful nor does it alter the shape of the nipple so I am assuming its just because I am full ??

We still don't have much of a routine so I never know what the next day will bring but we are now focusing on one feed at a time and one day at a time and it seems to work a little for our own sanity rather than planning ahead.

Still limiting visitors though we are just starting to venture out a little bit but thats more my comfort that impedes outings as I am not confident with the BF thing and Shae has a tendency to want to look around when there are noises.

Anyways,

Thats my update, hopefully I will be able to get back in here a bit more as life starts to normalize with our new addition.

Thanks again to everyone I have been reading the updates but have not had much chance to get back in here to respond as I sleep as much as I can.

Love to all and massive massive thank you to everyone I wish I could bulk rep points to say thanks to all.

Nae x x x x x

[~Trish~]

I'm glad things are settling down a little for you Nae . Don't even worry about a routine right now, what you are doing is perfect, just taking each day as it comes. My DD has only really started her own little routine now that she's 3.5 months!

Re: wind pain - have you tried anything for it like Infacol? This worked a treat with DS2 and DD. Otherwise Brauer Colic Relief is great (all natural) and I've heard others recommend Infant's Friend. Another thing that helped my DD when BF'ing her was to stop every 5 minutes and burp her, then put her back on. It stopped the really big air bubbles from forming. After I took DD to our paediatric chiro her wind issues settled right down within 3 days. Luckily this is something that will pass as Shae's little system gets used to digesting food.

I'm guessing the gulping etc, is because of a fast let-down? This happened with DS2, lying down while feeding is meant to help, but I couldn't do this with DS2 so I positioned him on a pillow so he was has higher than my nipple (if that makes sense?) which stopped him from choking.

Thanks for keeping us updated, you're doing a wonderful job .

[Footsteps]

nae, im glad things are getting slightly easier. you are doing fantastically and you are doing all the right things. take care and speak soon huni xxxxx

[Jennifer13]

Nae, sounds like you are figuring out how to do things your way, doing what works for you and Shae. It will get easier and the bfing issues can be resolved. Have you seen anyone about them?

[Olive]

hun, glad to see you in here!!

[Jahzara]

Nae,

So pleased that things are improving - slowly - all these things take time as you get to know eachother and work out how things work for you and bub.

I am sure very soon you will be looking back on this time and feeling so proud of yourself for getting through the fog. I am so proud of you !

You are doing a marvellous job !

Thinking of you.

Take care
xoxo

[sasha]

I'm just reading this with a little tear in my eye It's so lovely to see the support and advice everyone has... plus I can vividly remember how difficult it was with S to begin with, and how exhausted I was, and how much of an adjustment it was for us to go from two to three.

I'm glad to hear things are looking better for you Nae