Stay at home mums

[paradise lost]

I think women have it tough both ways. I have a friend who has no kids as yet, but she went to Uni for NINE years to get the career she has. She wants to have kids while she's still young physically, but she really can't SAH and have the career she has worked so hard for. Luckily in her case i think her DP would SAHP, so that might be how they do it, but i know it's something she struggles with.

I know many many women who bought houses nearly a decade before starting their family, and when the biological tock began to tick they STILL had a decade or more to go on the mortgage, and having paid half of it off i can see why they weren't inclined to downsize in ORDER to have a kid, when most people need/want MORE space, and a BETTER neighbourhood, when they have kids.

Having said that i too have come across women who looked down on me (very foolish, they won't repeat the mistake let me tell you ) for my decision to raise my kids myself. One said to me i was anti-feminist, and an enemy to educated women, quite quietly in a crowded room, and i replied loudly, "EXCUSE ME if i decided to follow the deeply female activities of pregnancy and birth with the equally female act of nurturing my children. Perhaps YOU feel a 17-year-old you've never met with an NC in childcare can do better than you raising your kids, but i think my skills are just a LITTLE better than that! I still menstruate too, in an era when i could suppress it with drugs and be just like a man - is THAT anti-feminist too?" The whole room turned to look at us and she went beetroot in the long silence that followed. EVentually her DP made a joke to break the atmosphere and i leaned in and smugly said to her " i thought a feminist was a woman who could speak her HERSELF." and wandered off. Amazingly she still speaks to me, but she's never tried to pull that one again!

Bx

[fionas]

I've got a foot in both camps because I've been a SAHM for a year and am now back to work part-time.

So my perspective is this. I'm an older mum and I think part of being older is not relying on anyone else for my own self-worth. That would be harder if I was younger but I've already been successful career-wise and have heaps of life experience. So if I was to meet someone for the first time and being a SAHM was a conversation-stopper, I'd have lots of other things to talk about.

If we're talking to women/people who don't have kids, they often don't know what to say if we say we're SAHMs because they don't know where to go with the conversation if we say we've got a 6/9/12 month old. They don't know milestones, they don't know whether to ask if our baby is crawling/walking/talking. In essence, they don't know what to SAY.

So I think there needs to be a bit of give and take. If you show no interest in the job they're doing and don't say "oh, a legal secretary, what sort of law d'you work in?" then that to me is as dismissive of them as a lack of questions from them is as dismissive as you. Conversation is a two-way street.

I do think, however, that being a SAHM is much more complicated and emotionally draining than a job and that's pretty difficult to explain.

It is MUCH easier going to work. When I go to work, I make my To Do list and I gradually work through it.

When I'm home, I pretty much have the same To Do list every day and I can't always get through it because DD wants to play or wants to 'help'. I can't just start a task and finish it like I can at work and that is frustrating.

Having said that, being at home is much more rewarding than being at work. I get to play peek-a-boo, I get to watch DD learn new things every day and for every minute of frustration I get much more back in enjoyment.

And the first thing people have asked me since going back to work is, "oh, who's looking after your daughter?"

I am quite sure DP has NEVER been asked that question!

So it's all swings and roundabouts.

[~clover~]

Fiona - I agree with you. At my age - 24 - there aren't too many mum's around. So when I go out & meet a group of people my age it's hard cos I was pg at 17. I have no idea what to talk to them about besides kids. Unless we gossip about a mutual person we know or something. I have only ever done casual work in a cafe & a pub. Not exactly the type of work you need to be really smart for!
So SOMETIMES, not all the time, I am made to feel dumb.
I do know alot of people without kids who have neices & nephews though. That makes things easier.


I think the whole 'older, younger' mum has very different views too. As I said, I was pregnant with my first at 17, so am a young mum. I think that young SAHM's are looked down on alot more than older SAHM's. We are seen as people who have their babies so they don't have to work & there for don't contribute to society.
Older mum's are seen as having done their bit & when they SAH it is a little bit more accepted.


I have a friend atm who is really peed off with the new laws about mothers returning to work when their youngest turns 7. Because she is being made to go back.
She is 50. Her boys are 16, 17 & 23, but she feels she is still needed at home with the 2 younger ones. They are too old for a baby sitter, but she still feels she needs to be home for them so they don't get up to no good. So they have some supervision. They can do what they like, but someone responsible is there jic.
Someone is keeping an eye on all the 18 year olds who are new to drinking & all the ones who think they are pro's at it & do stupid things to show off.
Instead she is being sent off to do all these courses to return to the workforce, which tax payers are paying for, to be able to retire in a few years. She only gets one part payment every few months anyway coz her DH works.

[teachmum]

Skye I have found since I'm back as a SAHM that my teenagers really appreciate it. Just because they're older doesn't mean they don't enjoy the luxury of having a mum at home. One thing about parentling is that it never ends!

Fiona I agree with you about having a strong self worth. I had my first child quite young but never felt I had to justify myself as to why I was staying at home. My mum didn't why shouldn't I?

Life's about choices. Having been both sides of the fence I know that there are sacrifices made no matter what you do. We've put on hold extensions to our house but I wouldn't trade it for the smile I get from Paddy when I get him up from his nap.

[~clover~]

Teach - I know her boys appreciate it, but thats only coz she's happy to be their slave!
But I agree with her. She has a very close relationship with them. Even though they are boys, and I think it's coz she is there for them. Anytime they need her, what ever they need her for.

[Bathsheba]

I agree that teenagers need to have a parent when they get home from school just as much as a younger child... I swear if I wasn't here when my 13yo DD got home she would be getting into alot more strife than she does because I am here. This is quite a revelation... I always thought that I would resume my career when my youngest was at school... maybe I will but now that I realise that kids these days have access to more "trouble" than I did as a teen coming home to an empty house, in the country, in the 1980's. It's a very different world for my children...

Regarding feeling undervalued as a SAHM... I don't care as much as I used to. It used to get me really down... but as i get older I realise more and more often that most people are "doing it all wrong" I follow my intuition whereas others follow the bucks. I reap rewards from following my gut feeling to be at home with my kids whereas I am already seeing my peers are no happier or problem-free for following the money by "needing" two incomes. I don't judge them unless they judge me... live and let live and all... somedays I say to my DH "I need to get a job so I can have a break!!!" (I discovered that returning to work was easier when my DD was 2.5yo and went to Family Day Care twice a week so I could work as a receptionist. But the easiest path isn't necessarily the best.

[Astrid]

I keep on wanting to post in this thread, but don't get a chance to. I know if I was at work I would be able to easily

I swing between wanting to be a SAHM and a working mum. I see the benefits of both, but at the moment I am leaning towards SAHM. Whilst it does mean less money, it means a lot of flexibility. It is nice to know only one of us is tied down to work hours, if we need a long weekend, only DH has to organise the day off as I am always available. No stressing about missed work and who takes the day off for sickness and school holidays. We are looking at being semi self sufficient, well that takes time, some one has to tend gardens, preserve fruit etc. I think it is better done with time on one's side, rather than rushed on the weekends when we are trying to do so much else or just rest.

I grew up letting myself in the house from the age of 7. It really was not much fun, it was pretty lonely. I rarely got encouragement or help to do homework, which was one of my problems with school, trouble finishing assignments and studing for tests. I envied the kids who came home to a drink and biscuits. I came home to nothing. My mother would come home tired and yelling as I had not done the washing up (silly thing was she never once asked me to wash up ). I do not want to do that to my girls. I know I get stressed easily, I would hate to see me after a full week of work and kids.

Agree with Trillian on the country/city thing. I have just moved from Melb to a major regional area with a large farming community. There does not seem to be the pressure/expection of returing to work. It seems many mums do some part-time work, full time seems rare, even amongst those which kids who are almost adults. No-one is shocked by me not working at the moment.

[sirenz]

i don't like to leave my ds with even my parents, I couldn't imagine having to leave him at daycare everyday. Unfortunately there are ppl who don't have the option and have to go back to work, but dh and I are in a financial position where I don't have to work!

I love spending time with ds, although challenging at times, I couldn't imagine it any other way.

[rubibaby]

i absolutely love being at home with both my boys. i would not have it any other way. i would hate to miss out any stages of their development. it would truly devastate me if someone else got to hear their first word or see their first step and then tell that is what i had missed today because i'd gone to work.