Do others feel, as they go about mothering (or fathering, for that matter) that they are merely repeating negative patterns which are instilled from childhood? I have noticed since having children that being a parent can bring up such fierce and unexpected emotions (in myself and in others who observe my parenting), and that if you scratch the surface, most people have unresolved issues with their own parents which can have a potentially negative influence on their children. Are you with me on this?
Definately!! I am not a mother yet but I see it all the time with others! Some people repeat the patterns in their family and other people are so concerned with not repeating the patterns that they go over the top doing the opposite. I think it happens with most people and is a pretty normal thing but it can be hard to recognise.
By the time Olivia was 6 months old I realised that there were a great many issues that lurked.
Don't get me wrong, I had a very happy childhood, but there were some issues that came to light surrounding my mother/food that I knew I would have to deal with/eradicate, or risk repeating history again.
I am a woman on a mission now to ensure that I am the generation that breaks the food=love & eating = approval pattern. It is NOT a belief or trait that I want my children to inherit.
I have done a lot of work on myself to ensure that I do not repeat the well meaning doctrines of my mother and my grandmother...........so my girls particularly stand a chance of never connecting food with emotions........
Most definitely! I don't think we can avoid it really, at least to a certain degree. That doesn't mean we can't be aware of it and take steps to control it though (as lucy is doing).
The number of things that come out of my mouth that sound like my mother is just scary. And I also notice since having two that I tend to approach alot of things relating to the relationship between our two kids in the same way my parents approached them with my brother and me. But that doesn't worry me too much because despite their general apathy (ie. allowing us to all but murder eachother most of the time) we are extremely close and well adjusted now I think.
I had a few issues i had from my childhood and did alot of hard work to become the best mum i think i am. But i now understand how it made my parents feel when i was doing stuff i was good at and making them happy. And i think my son does that and they are proud of me for over coming my problems and beign the person i am. So i am glad im in soem ways like my folks
I think the thing I try to avoid as well as some of the things I didn't agree with regards to how I was raised is to not go the whole other way and cause even more problems/damage. I've seen this happen more, with my generation, than that of repeating the same iykwim. Its something me and my MIL have discussed at great lengths, that so many people have deep seeded issues with the way they were parented that it in turn causes them to parent in a way that can be just as ineffective due to their own issues. So I try not to pass on my own anxieties or insecurities based on my own baggage. I am lucky enough to also see past all the negative of my own experiences, to be able to see that some parts of the parenting were effective and helpful. I just don't want to wind up a big bottle of guilt or nerves as a result of trying too hard not to follow in the same footsteps. Having said that there is a big list of no no's that I would never do to my kids, which involves violent forms of discipline, emotional abuse and fear based parenting. This is a topic I could talk forever on
Definitey yes and no. I am very aware of when I say or do something that is just like my parents and it's a catalyst for me to think about whether I am copying an ingrained pattern or whether I agree with the approach/reaction. Most of the time when I sound just like mum, I make a mental note to find a different way to approach the situation next time. And I try to plan ahead how to handle various things so that my subconcious is not just doing what I grew up with. Having said that though, inevitably I do some things just the same and find myself sounding just like my parents at times. I hope that I am doing a better job by virtue of questioning and seeking better alternatives, but who knows - maybe my parents thought exactly the same thing!
I too notice the anger that my parenting seems to raise in my parents. "Why do you give them choices"? "Why do you tell them when you do that I feel like this???" "It's wrong and only confuses them. "They need to know right and wrong and this is what I will do to you if you do the wrong thing"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have even had them comment on my son being "unnaturally close" to me. Simply because he is emotional and caring and shares his stuff with me...
Like Lucy I want my children to not have to wade thru as much emotional debris as I have had to...
I'm told I'm "too soft". I let DS play with my things. They're my things, so who cares but me? My mother will tell him off though. I don't let DS run onto a road, I don't let him eat things that upset his tum (unlike my mother, who classes them as a treat for him, or my MiL who tells me that it's harmless as she watches DS put horsechestnuts in his mouth then DS is vomitting all night), I don't let him get hurt and expect him to respect me and do as I tell him.
To that end, I am consistant and respect the fact he has needs too. That's not soft. That's my parenting. But it's very hard some days because I didn't have that sort of parenting, nor did DH. We're learning, but we do tell DS that we're all learning together when the three of us are screaming at each other! (Usually because I need to cook dinner for the three of us, nearly fall over DS who DH has let wander into the kitchen again and then it all kicks off... not that this is a regular thing LOL.)
I'm expecting a lot more flack very soon. And I intend to laugh it off. It doesn't make other parenting wrong, it just makes it wrong for me. And aside from DH, DS and me, who really should care how I parent DS?
I admit to going out of my way not to say the same things or do the same things as my parents. But they failed me when I needed them so that's not surprising. If it was something good that they did, I'll do it. But there are very few examples of behaviour I want to copy.
I guess I have been going through this as well. When DD1 was a baby I found myself mirroring things my Mother did to me. Like blaming my children for my mood, making a choice to live one way (say SAHM or PTSAHM) and then my children having to deal with my choice. Making unwise money decisions just because my children want something. Using my children's actions as reasons for my moods.
Thats my biggest. My whole life my mum would have melt-downs (all which I understand so much better now...) and then we as children would feel like it was all our fault our mother didn't like life. It was our fault our mother was crying, and it was our fault we weren't better people for our mum.
Rather than; me having a melt down moment, and then recovering & explaining what happened and why things piled up making her upset & explaining that we were good people no matter what....Its a work in progress.
Is your mothering repeating your mothering?
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I think. 
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