Adorning girls

[TaRhLi.]

I always tell all my kids how beautiful, pretty, handsome, special they are and that we love them

DD loves to show off to daddy the days we make an effort for her to look girly as she know he will tell her how pretty she looks which she loves.

I love telling the boys how handsome they are - they have no idea what I'm talking about yet - but they always smile at me when I say it as I always say it in a higher toned voice and with a big smile on my face.

[briggsy's girl]

DD gets comments on her other attributes just as much, if not more, than her looks. we tell her she has gorgeous curls and beautiful blue eyes one minute, and the next we're talking to her about how clever she is, and what a bright bubbly little poppet she is. she also gets told she is a feisty little ratbag sometimes! and she is regularly told what a cheeky little imp she is! we definitely don't talk just about her looks/appearance!

today she picked me up from work with her Dad, and had asked him to dress her in her tinkerbell tracksuit and tinkerbell hooded tee. they didn't really match that well, but they were clean and showed off her own style (walking around the shops with her her hoody dragged up cos "i don't want people to look at my hair today" so cute!

[luna moth]

Do you tell your son that he is too? Do you talk about their strength, or intelligence or humour? Is there a difference in how you talk to your boy or girl children on these other traits?

I think this is the key. I cringe when DD gets girl-specific praise, or even gets told what a "good girl" she is. Stereotyping goes so far beyond us as parents, and I think we're silly to try and stop it ourselves. Better to help kids think for themselves and understand it, so as to be able to see through it, rather than be blinded by it.

[Ladylove]

The interesting thing is, my daughter who is only nine weeks, is already responding to positive praise regarding her achievements by doing again or trying to do whatever she was doing to garner our praise, for example holding herself up on her arms or legs for a few moments. When we praise this she actually tries even harder. She can't respond to praise about her looks in the same way obviously as this is not something she has or is learning to have control over. So it makes sense that by praising our little girls about their achievements from day dot they are more likely to themselves value these other characteristics and learn to, well, learn. It's inbuilt.

[Feijoa Mum]

hell yes!
Lady is a girly girl like me and I LOVE it. At two she chooses her own clothes somedays, points out stuff in the shops that are 'cute' and loves her bling and pretties.
She wears two bangles, her teething necklace has her ears pierced.
I make dresses for her and even started making hairclips etc so I could co ordinate her outfits!
After all my boys, who I always make sure are tidy, clean and well presented, I love that despite all her brothers and my thinking I was going to have a huge tomboy, she is infact the complete opposite!
I have stolen my favourite line from 'The Help' movie and say it daily to all of my kids.

You are kind
you are smart
you are important

plus my own line

and your are beautiful inside and out.

My babies say it along with me and the older boys do the whole 'oh really mum, why do you have to embarass me so much?' speil but they love it too

[Shanti]

I tell my DD's how beautiful and special they are every single day, whether they are wearing a dress, pants and a top, undies or nothing!
I remind DD1 (3yrs) that when she dresses in a princess dress (dress ups) that she doesn't need that dress to feel or look beautiful because she already IS beautiful just by being herself.

I dress my girls in pants and tops mainly, some days they wear dresses but always practical clothing, cottons, not all sparkly sequins and over the top stuff. I like girly stuff on my little girls however I don't over-do it like I think (IMHO) some other parents do!!

As I said in a previous post, I get very upset when 'well meaning' people comment on how gorgeous my kids are looking in their outfits and it makes me wonder what message is that sending a little girl? That she has to dress up as a fairy with wings and a princess dress for people to notice her? When we go out and she's wearing pants and a top (casual stuff) noone says that to her.... it just annoys me!!!

As for make up - no make up in this house!! I don't wear it unless its a wedding or VERY special occasion (rare!) and I like DD1 to learn that you don't need it to feel or look beautiful. I just wish my Mum would realise this about herself when it comes to makeup!!!!

[Sunny Love]

I have to admit....DD does love applying bright red lippy herself on the sly when my back is turned for 30secs, evident in a FB photo from last week, and trotting around in her pink and purple feather heels....bless!

[meow]

If I had a daughter I think there would be a little adornment going on. I think sparkles are super fun and there's not enough of them on boys clothes. If it was "normal" for boys to wear them then I'd buy them glittery things but for now I'm hanging out for them to ask- then it's not me being a "weird mum". I try to buy my boys clothes that have plenty of colour and fun appliques etc. And I mix patterns, stripes, stars etc to make their outfits more interesting and fun. I would mostly dress a girl the same and if I have a daughter she will certainly get the boys hand-me-downs. My boys wear teething necklaces and are often called girls when they're young because their clothes often do look pretty unisex I guess.

I don't get into head bands on bald babies heads though and I'm not into pink overload on girls either. I would never call my daughter a "princess" (unless she was specifically in character) and it really irks me the way little girls are frequently called princesses.

I compliment my sons a fair bit. Mostly "you're amazing", "you're so funny/clever/fast" etc and "you're beautiful". I do say "what a big boy!" so that would change to "girl" but generally I would say the same thing if I had sons or daughters.

I very rarely wear makeup and there is no way I would let a young child wear makeup. Way too toxic. But I figure teens go through that stuff so I that woudn't bother me, except that I'd buy low-chemical makeup for them when the time came.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I provide a good example, IMO, of dressing nicely and neatly and in a co-ordinated way for my kids. My DS loves to 'match' and co-ordinate, and so does DD.
Neither of them have been much exposed to influences that send messages about what's prescribed for girls, so my DD doesn't 'naturally' choose 'girly' things in the shops. I limit the amount of Wiggles watching, even, because the pinkness ascribed for girls that is taken as a 'given' is not what I want her to think is in any way natural. She hangs out with heaps of boys - younger, older and her own age, - which gently challenges them in their assumptions they may be accustomed to, and also keeps her out of direct line of sight to girls who are already conditioned to 'pretty' themselves up.
It's going to be hard enough to keep her sense of perspective about her place in the world when everyone we meet instantly mentions her looks before anything else about her, and she has plenty to offer apart from her looks. She has plenty of time to realise that her looks will have currency at some stage, so now is the time, at age 2.5yo to hone in on the skills and attributes that will last a lot longer and cut through the superficial layers.
My kids see me do things I love that I get better and better at, that have nothing to do with how I look. I don't play on my looks or play them up to be something they're not. I work on what I leave behind when my time is up. All of this is relevant to how I raise my kids, including how I show them how to dress. Girls need more than looks to get them through their 20s, if they manage to coast their teens on their looks and dress!
No headbands here, no earrings, no princess dress ups, no princess-type movies for either of them. No way I want my son to think girls need rescuing or need to invest in their looks to be worthy of attention. He finds the oddest looking girls to be attractive, and I concede that I need them 'odd' due to my upbringing and being told what's beautiful and important about a girl's foray into the world! I love that about DS, and what he teaches me about beauty.
And with no TV reception, it's a lot easier to filter out those messages from the conventional world

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Princess is a nickname for both my girls... ie. "what are you doing Princess" - it's nothing to do with her looks or anything it's just something i've always said... the girls are princesses to me and i don't think it has anything to do with stereotyping them.
I don't have boys but i say "hello handsome/gorgeous/cute boy" to friends DS's or my nephew, i compliment on how clever they are, how quick, how silly etc etc.

My girls would love to ride motorbikes in sparkly pink dresses and glitter hairclips - i HATE that there are not more color options available for little girls but the minute i find red, blue, green etc i tend to buy it but my girls choose what they wear and point at clothes in the shops, if they want pink overload then good for them, if they want a boys smurf or ben10 t-shirt then even better.

[sushee]

Personally I don't see that dressing well, or in a 'girly' way, necessarily takes away from the girl or woman's ability to be independent, smart, professional, sporty etc. I think relegating the 'look' of a girl to the negative things associated with being a girl is a disservice to women.

I am happy to wear skyscraper heels, frilly dresses, petticoats, make-up whatever, so that I look as 'pretty' (for want of a better word) as I can be. That does not for one minute detract from my abilities outside of the way I look, and I believe that those are substantial. I think that that's the example I wish to provide to my kids - you are defined by everything you are, no, not just how you look, but that's part of it too. And, you know what? You can have it all if you want it. I'm not going to not call a girl a princess if I think she is one, any less than I would call a boy a prince.

My DP recently bought me (and Rouge's daughter) matching t-shirts that say 'self-rescuing princess'. I think that's pretty apt for both of us, actually!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

This thread has been hard for me to read - although interesting. I was brought up with a mother who ensured I had long hair (I was given perms in primary school to achieve the look my mother wanted), dresses and skirts (I wasn't allowed jeans until senior school as they "stunt leg growth") and was very much evaluated on my looks. Which aren't up to much, even when I spend time trying to look nice. I keep my hair long now for fear of maternal backlash and I'm in my 30s.

Sure, I was "clever" but that's normal. I should be pretty, popular, social and spend time on my looks. So I was adorned, but never pretty. (And never a princess - that's one current parenting fad I dislike. You can be a worthwhile woman without being a princess. Although I do have a tiara collection.) And as for "you're the best at being you" - yeah, doesn't help when even your mother points out that being you is pretty crap.

Any future daughter of mine will have clothes she wishes to wear, be allowed (encouraged) to climb trees, be allowed to swordfight, be praised for being her. And called gorgeous, clever and any other proud-mummy adjective I choose to use.

As for DS - he is asked "who's gorgeous?" and he knows the answer is "Liebling!". He knows he's clever, polite, kind, loving, a cat, adored, truthful, amusing, witty, hardworking... but then I'd hope any child of mine would be the same. Well, except maybe the cat. He's still insisting on that one, I don't tell him that.

[Ladylove]

Sushee I entirely agree. I think a degree of commonsense is required - ie work or function appropriate dressing but that does not mean a woman or girl cannot enjoy the rituals associated with dressing, makeup, skincare, bathing, whatever.

[meow]

I have to agree with you too Sushee. You drew out some points I didn't really make- such as enjoying frilly clothes. That was what I was trying to say about how I would have more frilly clothes if I had a girl and if/when my boys want them they can have them too.

My only issue with the "princess" title is all the clothing for girls that uses princess as "I'm a stuck up, pretty girl" slogan. I don't like how girls are referred to as princesses from birth though either. I have an aesome children's book called "The Practical Princess & other Liberating Fairy Tales". Fantastic fairy tales where smart, sassy princesses pair up with smart, kind men and not the dumb 'princess saving' men. I just bought a copy for my neices last Christmas too.

[sushee]

I agree with the current stereotype that 'princess' = helpless and stuck-up, which is a very Disneyfied thing. Some tween shows on TV that seem to actively encourage young girls to act deliberately helpless to get the boy (because of course that's all a girl ever wants, right?) also make my super rageface, but that's a whole different thread.

I don't think it's a fair stereotype personally. I have been called a princess in my time but I seriously doubt any one of those who called me that meant in any way, shape or form that I'm helpless. Not willing to settle, perhaps, but not helpless, I'm pretty sure. :P

[LuluHB]

My DH's nickname for DD1 is princess and I have no problem with that. I never, ever buy them shirts, dresses or whatever that saying anything like "I'm a Princess" etc. My girls will wear their dress up princess dresses, shoes, wands etc while looking for the nearest tree to climb or pile of wood mulch to play in.

I think clothing is something that can shape a child's behaviour, but its the thought processes you encourage that make the most important impact. For instance, this morning driving the girls to school I was wretching the whole way (gotta love 8+ months of morning sickness!). DDs in the back very concerned and discussing between themselves how poor Mummy's sick again. DD1 told me I should have stayed home in bed and daddy could have taken them. I said that was very nice of her but daddy was staying home to fix the reticulation the dog had chewed. DD2 immediately said "but you could do that instead Mummy and you might feel better outside". I guess what I'm trying to say is I think while my attitude to clothes, accessories etc can be extremly influential for them, teaching my kids that an ability to think for themselves and be strong, self reliant individuals is by far the more important life skill, and no amount of pretty dresses is going to help them do that.

[Rouge]

Instead of avoiding things, whether its Disney or Princess related stuff I use these instances as moments to educate and teach my children And not necessarily in a completely negative fear mongering kind of way but opening a healthy dialogue to enable her to learn and to speak freely about what she feels about these types of things.

[Phteven]

I think it's interesting how many people say they give praise for being clever. I read a really interesting article about a month ago about how parents/schools/society praise girls for being and boys for doing. An example..... 2 children get similar marks for an exam. It is likely that the girl will be praised for being clever whereas the boy will be praised for trying his best.
I do sometimes praise for being clever but I do think that it is more constructive to make praise more specific and to praise for effort rather than results. I come from a family where clever is normal so I regard clever as being a bit like pretty in that to a large extent it is an accident of genetics that can be nurtured.