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Well, suprisingly (maybe) I am not a big drinker now at all, I did smoke for years but have quit & pot went out the window when I got past my teens.
Having said that , i dont' think it's an argument for my mother's way of doing things, just an indication that a lot of it is inbuilt personality traits. And then how you grow up with it has a big effect on that. She had more problems with my younger sister than with me.
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How is this for coincidence. Just picked up DS15 from his mates house, his mate was going to the under16 footy party. One of the mums who picked him up let this boys mum know that there will be alcohol there. His mum bought 3 cans of alcohol for him to take to the party plus the alcohol that will already be provided. This mum also buys her son smokes.
Regards,
Dianne
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Wow. Dianne, 3+ alcoholic drinks at 15 (ish)?? that's alot of alcohol for a kid at that age (gosh I would be half drunk or more on that amount of alcohol!)
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yep, that's exactly what I said to DS. I would be doing more than a happy dance on 3 cans and he's a small boy too.
Regards,
Dianne
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I have a 15yo DD and two young sons. We have allowed our DD and older son to have a sip of our wine at the table but they haven't ever asked for it since their original query (we made no fuss, just said that it was an adult drink and they probably wouldn't like it... they didn't!). Recently i have read articles which outline the damage alcohol can do to developing brains and I'm relieved that DD shows (of her own accord) absolutely no interest in drinking it. Now she is in boarding school and i can't imagine her sneaking it in there.... but who knows. I do know that when we were having issues with her behaviour I was closely monitoring our bottle levels and was relieved to observed that they weren't going down or disappearing... they are in easy access in the pantry.
Anyhow I have had a bit of a change of heart over the past year or so. If my youngest now asks for a sip of wine i now say "no, it's only for mummys and daddies". He doesn't ask anymore and seems accepting of that. So yes, i'll be limiting their consumption until they are about 18. I certainly wont be buying it for them and i hear that my DD has been drinking (before 18) rest assured i will be expressing my disappointment.
At the end of the day though i notice a correlation between the drinking habits of parents and their children when they grow up. Drinkers seem to produce drinkers. DH and i are fairly light drinkers. I limit myself to 1 glass a few times a week while cooking meals... and even when i go out for a 'big' night will only have about 3 over the course of 4 - 5 hours. DH is much the same... he will only have a few beers a week... and only sip from my glass, actually say "no, don't bother pouring one for me, i'll just have a sip or two from yours". So my kids don't see us drink heavily.... we certainly model the ability to just have 1... and to enjoy it because of what it is.... not because we feel that that is the social expectation to drink... i think THAT'S what causes problems when kids grow up to think that you drink to 'relax' or to "be sociable". DH has never been the kind of person to come home from work and say things like "Geeze fetch me a beer love, i've had a hell of a day and really need a drink!"
Last edited by Bathsheba; August 7th, 2010 at 07:55 PM.
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i guess i see it differently - a lot of my friends that were binge drinkers as teens came from tea totalling families. neither parent drank. the kids went nuts. they just did it elsewhere!
honestly, i don't have a problem with drinking to relax or be sociable. i don't have a problem if DH has been working in the garden and comes in to ask if it's beer o'clock. he drinks because he enjoys the flavour. he doesn't drink enough to get drunk though. i HAVE seen him drunk, but it's rare. he doesn't give up food for alcohol, he doesn't chase the drunk feeling. he enjoys the taste so drinks. hell, i do to. my drink at the moment is vodka and blood orange. i've only had more than two in a night once since i started drinking it.
i believe if you model the behaviours you expect from your children you can help to guide them - but you can't be guaranteed an outcome. some people just have an addictive or devil may care personality and they will go about doing what they want, irrespective of who raised them or how. honestly, i think it's healthier to teach them responsibility than to label things "adult" and forbidden til a certain age. the ticking of the clock from 11.59 - 12 on the night of their birthday doesn't teach them responsibility. that is what parents are there for. forbidding things til a certain date is, from my experience, more likely to lead to binging and irresponsible abuse of alcohol.
argh, i don't know that i'm making sense - i guess i just don't believe that locking alcohol away and making it something that is taboo is going to help most teens. i don't believe hiding your own consumption will help (it just creates a sense that you're SUPPOSED to hide it away kwim?)
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I just finished a big blog rant about this, I've had to divide it into three parts though. It's complicated, not one size fits all!
I agree and disagree with both BG and Bathsheba.
I do not give permission for my daughter to drink until she was 18 (she turned 18 last month - I got her there wooooo!!!!). She is quite a careful drinker. I don't doubt she gets blotto but I know she would be doing it safely, with friends etc.
I have mentioned before than I come from a long line of Irish Catholic pub owners. We really know how to drink - like really know and that is passed down through the generations. Whilst there is not ONE family gathering I can recall without alcohol and masses of it, I never saw one family member drunk or passed out. I only saw lots of fun, laughter and full glasses. Having a drink and a good time yes - stupid drunk, never. You earn the right to drink in my family, like coming of age.
We certainly have a culture of - 'oh gimme a drink I've had a hard day' within my friends and family. We don't have a 'let's get smashed and get revolting" culture,l or "I don't trust you enough to drink on your own so I will stay at home and watch you do it" theme either.
I imagine there are some kids that watch a parent drinking and slurring their words every night. I wonder how many of these kids either swear never to drink and be like that versus how many follow in their parents footsteps because it's all they know?
Crap - bit of a tangent there...sorry.
Registered User
When DS starts showing an interest in alcohol, the plan is not to forbid it. I think if a teenager wants to try alcohol, there's not much you can do to stop it so by letting them do it in a controlled environment you can at least reinforce the message to drink responsibly.
My parents would not let me drink in the house at all, even when I was 18 and I never really understood the concept. I could go out anywhere (even on the streets) and drink, but had to find my own way home, and that never really seemed safe to me. It actually seemed kind of stupid, lol. I want to let DS drink in the house so I can monitor what, who he's with and how much, and most of all I'll know he's safe. Same with parties, I'd much rather have them at my house because either way, I'm not going to sleep but if it's under my roof, i'll know he's safe, instead of lying awake wondering.
I plan to let her have little sips when I feel it's appropriate, DH feels the same. I want there to be no surprises for her.
I was allowed to drink the odd beer/wine from around 13-14 years old. I really appreciated that because when it came to going to parties and stuff like that when I was 15-16, alcohol wasn't a huge deal for me. I still drank some but didn't binge like some of my friends did.
I went to France on a student exchange for a month when I was 14. At the time (not sure if there is now) there was no legal limit for alcohol (or I think it was ridiculously low like 12 or something) and I had wine EVERY night with my exchange family with dinner. I actually got drunk for the first time there on 2 glasses of red wine. None of the french kids ever went binge drinking and thought it weird that we all wanted to go to the wine bars and drink wine. They just didn't do it because it flowed freely at home.
I guess I want to be the one to educate my children on alcohol. But I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what kind of teenager missy moo turns out to be and do the best job I can in the meantime!
Sue x
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I haven't had time to read everyone's view but wanted to add mine.
I firmly believe that kids will learn so much more from what we do with alcohol then what our 'rules' are. If you need a wine to unwind then they learn that alcohol can relax you and can be a crutch. If they see that you need to have alcohol to have fun at family functions then that is what they will learn. If they learn that an adult can have one wine with dinner without effects or a need for more then that is also what they will learn. So I think responsible alcohol in front of kids is so important, remembering the lessons they actually take away aren't the ones we tell them but the ones we show them.
BellyBelly Member
To be honest, I don't know what we will do. I didn't have a sip of alcohol until I was 18. Not because I wasn't allowed (I actually never asked) but because I didn't want to. I went to parties and saw some of my friends acting silly after drinking and decided I didn't want to do it. That being said, when I did start drinking (when I was about 18.5 I hit it pretty hard as I was living away from home on campus at uni which had a fairly 'fun, drinking atmosphere'. When I say hard it's not like I was drinking every day but when we did go out to drink it was to get drunk.
DH on the other hand started going to parties and drinking from about 16 years of age. I don't think his parents knew. He also did the whole young adult 'lets go out to get drunk thing'.
My sister has been drinking socially since she was about 16ish. My parents knew about it and would let her take a couple of pre-mixed drinks to parties but not enough to get smashed or anything. TBH I think that if my child wanted to have a couple of drinks and were at about the 16 mark I might do the same. It saves them hiding it. I know it might not be the most responsible thing as a parent but if they really want to drink (like with other things) they will do it anyway.
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