I feel like i'm failing

[Muppity]

LMS please don't be purposely mean to your DD. and don't blame raging hormones for your behavior. Once you have the next baby will your excuse be that you are tired or sleep deprived and what happens if neither of them are doing what you want them to do?

Imagine yourself as your DD for a moment. Her Mum, the most important person in her world, and who she loves and displays affection to in every way that a toddler can, is mean to her and knows that she is being mean and still does it. How does it feel? Now as LMS think about how you feel when people are mean to you, and then remember that you are an adult and can walk away from situations that you don't like, your DD can't do that.

Maybe it would be useful for you to chat to someone about your relationship with DD and the change in dynamic that will happen when DS arrives... Marymead offers a great program for parents itch young kids and there is a special one for preparing the family for a new baby. Here is the link http://www.marymead.org.au/programs/...y-life-matters

[BrightSparkles]

LMS please don't be purposely mean to your DD. and don't blame raging hormones for your behavior. Once you have the next baby will your excuse be that you are tired or sleep deprived and what happens if neither of them are doing what you want them to do?

Imagine yourself as your DD for a moment. Her Mum, the most important person in her world, and who she loves and displays affection to in every way that a toddler can, is mean to her and knows that she is being mean and still does it. How does it feel? Now as LMS think about how you feel when people are mean to you, and then remember that you are an adult and can walk away from situations that you don't like, your DD can't do that.

Maybe it would be useful for you to chat to someone about your relationship with DD and the change in dynamic that will happen when DS arrives... Marymead offers a great program for parents itch young kids and there is a special one for preparing the family for a new baby. Here is the link http://www.marymead.org.au/programs/...y-life-matters

I totally agree with this post.
By continuing to use hormones/pregnancy and down the track possible tiredness, sleep deprivation etc you are teaching K that it's ok to be cranky and mean all the time. You are teaching her that she has an excuse for everything. I know she is little and she doesn't understand but at the end of the day, she is learning from you.

I'm going to sound quite blunt here now but i think you need to hear it.....
You need to stop making excuses. I KNOW how hard pg can be with a little one around, I know how tired you get, how painful it can be etc. I've done it. But at the end of the day, you need to take some responsability for the way you are parenting. You need to take some responsability and put locks on the doors, put things our of reach etc. Maybe do some research about ways to work with and encourage K to be her own spirted person. Talk with others who have been there done that - and take on what they say. I agree with Muppity, i think that you need to chat to someone about how thing new baby will change the relationships and dynamics in the house and get some sggestions on how to deal with this - it isn't going to be an easy ride.
I'm going to stop here because I think you need to have a think about the type of life you want to be leading.... one full of stress and anger or one that is slightly less stressful with fun times and great memories??? Only you can decide this.

[Maruschke]

Ever since she got in the pantry at 10 months and broke a vodka bottle on the floor she hasn't been back in since.

You might want to get a lock for the pantry with another little one coming! A bottle of vodka has enough alcohol to do serious serious damage to a young child! Maybe start crawling around and see what other things she could potentially get into and prevent an incident before it occurs . Your little ones are too precious to allow them to find that stuff!

[black_rose]

Hugs LMS it's a hard time, one of the downfalls of having kids close together. As pp have said for your sanity lock things up, put them up high and out of the way and close doors. It's not fair on either of you to be constantly saying no and telling her off when it can be avoided. I found the magnetic boards they draw on to be a lot of fun for them at that age, no mess to clean up and quiet, puzzles, books with textured pages or flaps to lift are good too.

[misty]

LMS please don't be purposely mean to your DD. and don't blame raging hormones for your behavior. Once you have the next baby will your excuse be that you are tired or sleep deprived and what happens if neither of them are doing what you want them to do?

Imagine yourself as your DD for a moment. Her Mum, the most important person in her world, and who she loves and displays affection to in every way that a toddler can, is mean to her and knows that she is being mean and still does it. How does it feel? Now as LMS think about how you feel when people are mean to you, and then remember that you are an adult and can walk away from situations that you don't like, your DD can't do that.

Maybe it would be useful for you to chat to someone about your relationship with DD and the change in dynamic that will happen when DS arrives... Marymead offers a great program for parents itch young kids and there is a special one for preparing the family for a new baby. Here is the link http://www.marymead.org.au/programs/...y-life-matters

WTF?!?! Seriously?!?!

Forgive me if I fail to see anywhere in her posting where LMS said she was being 'purposefully mean' to her DD. She is frazzled and stressed out, and very pregnant and hormonal. She came on here to vent and for support, not for judgemental people to look down their noses at her and tell her that she isn't a very good parent!

I will be the first one to tell you that I don't always agree with LMS (I have told her on a number of occaision already, I'm sure!) but she LOVES her DD and is doing a great job at being a parent to her. Her DD is at a stage where she is very full on and inquisitive. I'm not sure if you have ever had a child that can get into anything and everything and insists on testing all the boundaries. I have! It is hard and extremely stressfull! Add to that being heavily pregnant! I think it is amazing that she is coping at all! I certainly haven't at all times, particularly whilst pregnant with the next.

I kind of get the feeling sometimes that it is the person typing who attracts this kind of judgmental nonsense, where if anyone else posted the same thing (myself for instance) they would just get support and condolences. None of us are perfect parents, we are all just doing our best. And we all loose our cool at times. And our kids all find our buttons to push.

LMS - I STILL have these issues with my two boys. I still have to check that there has been nothing stuck in the bottom of the heater everytime before I turn it on. I still go in to find new 'artworks' on walls, beds, people. I still find cups of water tipped into toyboxes, bookshelves, beds, etc. I still occaisionally find Bazza up on the kitchen bench, although he KNOWS full well that that is not on in this house. Unfortunately, some kids are full on. My boys are, even with constant supervision and attention (and lets face it who can be there all the time). Cut yourself a break. You are doing a great job with your DD. She is just a headstrong little girl. So don't let petty people making keyhole judgements get under your skin. You don't need their validation. And you don't need their approval for your parenting choices either.

[nothing2lose]

Misty, i agree that sometimes responses sway a particular way based on who the OP is. I think this isn't surprising though. No one can read any post in isolation. How you read it is almost always going to be colored by what you have read from the OP in the past. Especially if there are patterns of behaviour.

While we may not know a person in real life, we form opinions and views of them and their values/beahaviour/attitude, etc based on their entire posting history. I think that's pretty natural. We don't know them, but we know them iykwim. Therefore our responses are going to be 'tainted' by our understanding - whether right or wrong - of the person.

I am not talking about LMS in particular here, I am speaking generally!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Misty, I have a full-on DS who delighted in finding the furthest possible place from the boundary to hit, so I know it isn't easy too. Just because I haven't experienced the joy of having a full-on child and a pregnancy doesn't mean my experiences are invalid, though. And it does sound like LMS could spend more time in positive interaction time with her DD - but then I know I could with Liebling as well, I think it is a common failing of parents. (The plus side is that Liebling doesn't do too much negative interactions these days as he has found that if he asks for someone to play with him we will stop within 10 mins and give him some attention, so even full-on children don't have to be headaches all the time, even if some days I just need some me-time.)

TBH, if I posted that I was failing and didn't know where to turn, someone giving me a weblink of where to turn would be welcomed. There are many suggestions in this thread (including "man up about the baby gates and either get them or get stressed", which you didn't seem to take offense over: was it because it was all nicey-nicey instead of a bit more blunt?) and only Muppity was observant enough to see that LMS probably needs some help outside of BB.

But I also know what it's like when Mummy Is Just Plain Mean and, while I don't think LMS is being purposfully dreadful, a small child doesn't know the difference and we should never think there are acceptable excuses for being mean, especially to children in our care. When I apologise to Liebling I tell him that my excuses are NOT good enough and should not be tolerated, I don't care if it's PMS or lack of sleep or job stress. Loving people doesn't always mean you're nice to them. And sometimes it just sets up an abuse cycle that passes down the generations until someone does take the external support offered and stops it, which is very hard work.

[Lenny]

Muppity's post did not come over as judgemental nonsense to me. Nor is this thread anything about whether you agree or disagree with LMS in the past. Each post is taken on it's merits.
Muppity has provided some great advice and even a link to an establishment which would offer even further great advice and opportunites for LMS to learn and grow as a parent. Bellybelly is absolutely no substitute for IRL support and practical assistance.
I don't think hugs is what LMS was after? Perhaps i'm wrong. Cyber hugs are great, but they don't help us to parent in the long run.

I think we all want to see LMS happier and less frustrated than she was when she first posted. LMS is free to read the responses and collect all the advice to do with what she likes. She can ignore what doesn't suit her parenting style and embrace and try out those things that seem like ideas she'd like to try.

[Rouge]

Judgemental? Really? I thought it was helpful! I think the reverse could be said here too, defensiveness because of who the OP is. I don't think Muppity was trying to be judgemental at all.

Yanno, in situations like this it might be best not to assume and if you have concerns use the PM function Otherwise threads that are meant to help get bulked up with other issues.

[misty]

I stand by what I posted.

Maybe because I have had the privledge to get to know LMS in real life, my perceptions are coloured by what I know. And what I know is that her daughter is an adorable, full on little girl who is very loved and treated like a princess by both her parents. I know that LMS house is kept to a MUCH higher standard and is much more baby proof then my house has ever (or likely will ever) be. I know that none of us are perfect parents, and that we all loose our cool at time, and I have 'seen' LMS keep hers at times where I would have long since have lost mine.

I also know that we all have different ideas about discipline and just because you don't agree with a particular method, (ie smacking) doesn't make it wrong or illegitimate.

Giving advice about how to handle a situation, does not require someone to make judgemental assumptions about what kind of a parent someone is.

[Muppity]

Even at my crankiest she always gives me kisses and cuddles which sometimes im surprised she does as i can be quite mean (since being pregnant with raging hormones).

Misty, if you (or anyone else for that matter) had posted the sentence above I would have offered you some food for thought and source of assistance just as I did LMS.

I stand by what I said.

LMS if you are offended then I am sincerely sorry because that was not the intent of my post but I'm pretty sure that you know that and the spirit in which it was written.

[Cass72]

You're not a horrible mother and the twos aren't "terrible" - they're just TWO!

DS2 is constantly flushing things - did you know that matchbox cars flush away "gone, with poos" as he delightfully put it.

Don't be hard on yourself. DS1 is 17 & 1/2. He's copped his fair share of "bad-mood mum" (I'm a door slammer and yeller if I get real mad) and you know what? We have a wonderful relationship. He talks to me about anything and everything. He got the odd smack if he was really really naughty (running out onto the road, sticking things in power points, breaking something with intent etc..). Even now if he really sh*ts me I'll tell him off.

FWIW DH and I quickly figured out that it's just not worth it to worry over some things. Choose your battles. DH and I laughed uproaresly over the flushed matchbox car - clearly NOT in front of DS2, he was told that it was naughty and he shouldn't do things like that because a) the toilet would break and b) he can't get his car back - ever! Did that stop him from flushing a full roll of toilet paper? NO! Did that stop him from trying to flush a book down the toilet? NO! I just take things off him that he tries to flush away. Same goes for things he deliberately rips or breaks.

I never try to reason with him - he's TWO for goodness sake. He has the same retention as my bull mastiff (which is nill).

• When he continuously pulled all the games off the bookshelf I ended up moving the ones I didn't want him to touch to a higher shelf and leaving the other ones that he could play with on the lower shelves.
• When he tears a book, I leave it on the kitchen bench where he can see it and tell him, no he can't have it because he ripped it.
• When he throws food onto the floor (when we are out) just to get my intention instead of picking it up or getting him a new one I just calmly put it into the bin.

Give yourself a break - you're tired. This happens. We're parents and it is an exhausting job. It's also a rewarding job.

Try and think about what's important. Our kids grow up way too quickly.

I was watching the politically incorrect parenting show last night and he finished off with acknowledging that one day you'll look back on these times and give anything to have just a moment again - even the tantrums and tears. It's true.

I try to praise the good behaviour and get over the bad as quickly as possible.

Hmmm.... what was that other thing he said on the show last night? All behaviour is communiction.

It's a good thing to go by.....

.... my two cents. I didn't read any other posts, so I don't know what others have said - I just read your initial post.

[Babyluv]

Sounds like you have a high energy but normal little girl on your hands. I feel for you because my DD is the same. She is constantly into everything and I'm forever cleaning. When she throws sultanas everywhere I ask her to please help mummy by picking them up. She lives getting her milk drink and tapping it on the table and making it go everywhere, I give her a wipe and ask her to please clean it up. It's the age hun, they're hard work, exhausting but a lot of fun. When you're pregnant and tired it can be overwhelming at times and everyone has their moments. A couple of weeks ago I made hubby go around and put locks at the tops of our doors as they are sliding, is this an option? I can now keep her out of the bathrooms, laundry and kitchen when I'm not in there. Try to remember that this is a developmental stage, she is not intentionally being difficult, she is just learning and it will pass. I think the best thing to do is eliminate those temptations if you can, involve her in the clean up when she makes the mess and explain why we don't do the things she is doing. Yelling obviously is not something you like to do, so try to avoid doing it if you can as it will only upset you and her. Have you got help, support? Have you considered getting her into daycare or something once or twice a week? Keep her active and busy with colouring, play dough, building things, baking, painting,outside play, sandpit etc, things she is free to make mess with.
I'm not trying to judge you or be pushy just hoping I can offer something constructive for you to work with and hoping things improve soon. Good luck

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

And what I know is that her daughter is an adorable, full on little girl who is very loved and treated like a princess by both her parents.

And knowing that, I will offer some further advice.

"Treated like a princess" seems to me to be modern-day phrasing for "spoilt" when I was younger. Spoiling a child as in ruining a child because no-one else will put up with their over-indulged personality when they are older. Maybe the odd time-out isn't a problem, even if your DD does fall asleep. Maybe you need to voice boundaries more firmly and earlier. I don't know you IRL but if one thing gets my back up it's all these "princesses" and their parents dancing on their whims and wondering why the children end up as brats.

[Maruschke]

Misty, it's great you are friends with LMS and I can understand running to your friend's defence when you perceive someone has judged her unfairly. But if you take a step back you will see LMS herself saying "I feel like I am failing" and "I am angry too often". Your friend is crying out for help! A few months back a friend of mine got shirty with me because I gave her a "there there, you are fine" kinda response when what she actually WANTED was someone to tell it like it was and motivate her to change. I was a bad friend for doing so and I see her POV now. Just a thought.

[Babyluv]

LMS has Put herself out there, admitted that she feels like she is failing. She is having a hard time, like we all do at times. We all have those mummy moments where we feel like we are not coping or doing the right thing and BB is usually a safe place to come and ask for constructive feedback. Most ppl understand that being a mum is the hardest job in the world. As mums we are constantly faced with judgment from others, we strive to be the best that we can be and become consumed with guilt if we have those moments when we feel like we are letting our kids down. Please everyone try to remember this when you respond to someone's post, behind the computer screen is someone who is just trying to be the best mum they can be and is after some constructive feedback and support. Don't shoot someone who is already down.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I thought i had better come in and lay it straight. No i didn't like two posts that were made after my last post. I found them to be quite offensive and just so out of left field, obviously i am not the only one who thought so.

I'm not going to go into any detail, i won't explain myself as i feel nothing i can say will help any. I posted yesterday quite upset needing some support, reassurance, even just for someone to listen to me.

Now i really do know that i will always get different treatment from a lot of you because you have obviously made your opinions of me, but know that its unfair, its hurtful and whatever it is you think it doesn't make me any less of a human being with feelings. I may annoy, irritate and frustrate you at times but i'm still a person behind the username *LittleMissSummer*.

[onthefly]

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