we have been going thru this with MR H too... i swear it is a school thing because we went thru it when MrI started school too.. Not only are they being taught to be more independent they also have the bad influence of 19 other kids lol
I know that that doesnt really help but i found you just have to sweat it out and it will end eventually!!
only other thing i can sujest is pack her up and send her to nanny's house ROFL
One thing I said to someone recently was that you have to remember they are a child, they have a different structure in their little brains to ours. We are so use to adult stimulation and sometimes we do tend to treat our children in the same light...a step back and a lighter approach sometimes is needed.
eg...would YOU like to go to time out? honestly it would make me more agro and defy what the person has said to me.
What works for me
Behaving in the same way back to my children to show them how funny and silly they are being.
Mini me cries and goes off about the silliest stuff....so when she does it...I copy her. They DETEST being copied....and will say stop copying me. Their focus is then off the original thing they started being silly over.
I also sense when my children are all edgy and aggressive if you like in their communication to me. I tend to think they need to burn off that anger and pop the music on LOUD and dance around like a twit....amazing how much fun you can have in half and hour and how settled and pooped everyone is afterwoods.
I personally dont think there is a reason to be cruel by taking things away or placing childrenn in a corner. They learn off us so what kind of example are we giving them by doing this? Life is fun...show them how fun it is..its shouldnt be about continuously growling at them.
Yeah it's nice in theory Maz, have tried it LOL. But then he still does the same things and still gets upset and by just turning it into something fun, we're ignoring what he's feeling about something. We are just working on helping him calm down so we can talk and work out what made him so angry. Time out is working... it's not used all the time for every little thing. I don't really see anything cruel about being taught to take a moment and compose yourself. Some of the time out I'm with him. I take him into another room and cuddle him to me until he calms enough to talk. I often find out what's bothering him by doing this and then we work out a different way to handle it, and he's actually really good at trying my suggestions... even if they don't always work! LOL.
Changing blatant disrespectful speech into a game backfires too, cos then he thinks he's being funny and it comes out of his mouth every 5 seconds.
I just read Janet's reply to my angry 4yr old thread.. and yep... think I'm definitely going to be working on at least two things that I know triggers it... tiredness and hunger! LOL. Just like we've said here. I need to think ahead for more structured snack times etc and a stricter bed time. We've avoided some crankiness tonight by having the slow cooker on and dinner was ready when we walked in the door just now. Hopefully we can calmly move on to bath time and into bed between 7/7.30 tonight!
Liz - I was just saying what works for me...doesnt mean it works for others. We are all permitted to our own views on parenting and I simply just answered someones question.
I was a hard mum with my first 2...I refuse to let that happen again. I saw the fear in my childrens eyes. Its a sickening feeling and something I will never forgive myself for.
Only you can work out what works for you and your child. Im sorry that your having such a terrible time with DS I truely hop ehtat you find something that works for both of you
nah it's ok Maz Wasn't upset with anything you said.. like I said, we've tried it, but have just found it kind of skirts the issue and doesn't help him resolve what's upsetting him. Deep down it feels like a phase.. he does know how to behave.. which gives me some comfort LOL.. he's just really pushing it with us. I'm sure we'll survive it... I'm just wondering what the next challenge will be LOL.
Thank goodness I'm not alone! I've recently posted another thread about how hard I'm finding it juggling a new baby and a 4 year old DD that seems to be sprouting horns. She used to be such a sweet wee thing and now it's not often that sweet is a word I would use to describe her
I always think that if I could just give her my full attention then her behaviour would improve, but at the moment even if she has me or DH's undivided attention she will still dissolve in to tears or storm off and slam her bedroom door at the first sign of things not going her way. I also have been trying to keep on top of feeding and sleeping as I know that has a huge effect on how she copes through the day.
Sorry I'm not much help but just wanted to let you know we're going through very similar things here and I totally understand the mummy guilt that you appear to be experiencing too I just keep telling myself that this is a stage and it will end. It will.... won't it?!
Have you read The Science of Parenting? I find it to be really useful at times like this. Reminds me that almost all of DDs behaviour is beyond her control and is more likely to be the result of something I have control over ie. tired, hungry etc. That said, when I'm in the middle of dealing with a seriously stroppy and defiant child it's hard to remember! I find a good vent when DH gets home helps to off load after a hard day (of course we do this out of ear-shot of DD).
I think she is testing you.. my frined has 5 childrne and i always listen to
DISAPLINE and CONSISTANCY.... so she knows what to expect before she does something naughty..
very importnant to not let her get away with Anything!!!! LOTS OF WORK FROM YOU I KNOW!!!!
BUT follow through is what she is trying to push!!!
I'm no expert as I am not yet a parent but I am a teacher so I would say I have had a bit of experience. I also worked in a preschool a few years ago.
Anyway, I agree with mummyof4. I rekon if you stay firm and stick to your guns DD will get over it eventually. She is probably just testing you out.
I've had similar experiences happen at school and in the preschool I worked in and I found that eventually the kids learnt to accept things if I stuck to my guns.
I am starting to have similar things happening with my 4 year old. I reckon really strictly stickin to my guns, keeping consequences totally predictable. But mostly, I just try my absolute hardest not to take him to places he does not want to be!!! LOL
DS has really been chucking the tanties at home lately, and pushing the boundaries when at other peoples houses. Something I have found myself saying to him (like a broken record) is "remember, if you be nice to me, I will be nice to you" it seems to get through to him most of the time and he thinks about it. Other times I end up throwing (err....I mean gently placing him) into his room and ignoring him til he eventually calms himself and apologises, then we talk about his feelings and how talking about his angry feelings with me helps him to feel much happier than when he kicks, punches and screams at me....
oh no, my ds isn't 3 yet, you mean I have another 2 years of this?? I was hoping he would get it all out of his system when I go back to work and he goes back to creche and I would have a little angle by the time I went to have bubs #3
doh!
We haven't had public tanty's yet with our 4yr old, but oh my... do we have some attitude.. and a LOT of anger! And it's mainly with us.. no-one else. Altho Nana sees it a bit cos she's familiar/close enough. But he's just an angel for anyone else. I try to talk to his preschool teachers about him, and they just think he's the most considerate, lovely little boy.... argh. Makes it all the more frustrating knowing that he CAN be a lovely boy! haha.
I cracked it this afternoon and sent him to bed without dinner just before 6pm (he had had nibbles and stuff at Nana's just before.. so he wasn't going to bed completely empty.. in case anyone was worried LOL) But the attitude he gave me on the short drive home from mums, the filthy looks, the angry yelling etc etc etc! I just cracked it. He was devastated that he was being sent to bed so early, but we had a calm chat about it as I put him to bed, and I told him we are not accepting this behaviour, and made sure he understood why he was being sent to bed. (he crashed btw... so tiredness was obviously playing a part!)
I'm hoping it's just something we ride out and it goes away LOL. We are trying our best to stay calm and simply not tolerate the behaviour. We've gone back to more predictable consequences (ie he's put on a stool for 4 mins) and just letting it be known we don't like his constantly angry voice or the way he treats his sister. It all deteriorates if we crack it and lose control (which I kind of did this evening.. but I calmly followed through on what I said anyway) and I was falling into the habit of idle threats as well. I'm trying more to help him talk about how he's feeling.. I get that he was probably upset that we were leaving Nana's and I'm sure there was something else upsetting him.. but he was so intent on being angry and lashing out, I just had to come down hard tonight. (sorry this is kind of turning into a vent for me... not intending to hijack!) If he's completely lost it and is screaming, yep, I shut him in his room (still timed tho.. so i don't leave him too long lol) and tell him he can come out when he's calmed down or that I'll talk to him when he's feeling calmer and ready to use a nicer voice. I can tell when he's upset and when he's lashing out. If he's really upset I go and talk to him and cuddle him and work out what the problem is. If he's lashing out, he's beyond reasoning and just needs to calm down first.
I'm finding it really challenging (and so often these days I've seen a look on his face that makes me freak out about how I'm going to deal with him as a teenager!) I've been trying to lavish him with cuddles and praise and draw attention to his good behaviour (which sometimes is reaaaaally hard to find) And he's really chuffed and proud of himself when he's had a good morning of being nice to everyone. But his temper teeters on a knife's edge unfortunately, and he spirals quite quickly.
Anyway, sorry, this probably hasn't helped at all. But just know that you're not alone. And yes I too feel like I spend my days telling him off. I've been trying to back off because he could well be yelling at me cos I'm constantly on HIS back! I just try to remember that I'm the adult and I try to stay calm (even if I'm FUMING on the inside) and try to help him through it.
My DD1 is pretty much the same, well worse really as it has been going on for so long.
Consistency and following through it a big thing. Something both DH and I are a bit slack on. We are good for awhile, then fall back into old habits. Sleep is another big one, the worst behaviour comes from being overtired, especially if she is hungry.
The other thing is how occupied she is. DD1 gets quite bored, she has a huge imagination and is quite physical. Due to DD2 she can't do a lot of the things she likes. She loves craft, but DD2 just messes things up. She loves the huge slides at the park, but if I take her I have a very stressful time dealing with a miserable DD2 who just can't do the same thing as her. I dearly wish Kinder had more hours, she needs so much more than what I can give.
Oh, almost forgot. Try being proactive, rather than reactive. I am not the most organised person, so often I wait to the "I'm hungry" before organising food. Not a good thing. I have had better days when I have been prepared, looked at the clock and thought "morning tea time". Same with activities. Normally I would just go and hang out the washing or into the veggie patch expecting them to follow me out. That just ends in disaster, I am called in all the time, then when I need to be in, they want to be out. So now (well I try) to give them warning to get boots on, we are going outside. If we are having a home day, then I give prior warning. If I think the week is going to be too quiet, like I know we will be home all weekend, then I try to organise a catch up with one of her little friends.
My 4 nearly 5yr old son (5 in Aug) doesn't go to any sort of out of home care and I think he is bored.. He goes to Prep next year and I remember my other son did this the year before he went to school as well.
Ans it doesn't matter how entertained I keep him.. Ie taking him to the park bike riding ect he just drives me bonkers.. Always asking him to stop. He doesn't throw tantrums as such but is just really naughty at the moment..
Liz, he sounds EXACTLY like my DS! So glad to know he is not the only one, I thought I had done something wrong to create such an angry 4 year old! I too wory about the teenage years if this is how agro he can get at 4 yars old!!
Nic, I started DS in childcare one full day a week and he goes to kindy pre entry for one arvo a week and being out of the house for just those 1.5 days REALLY improves his behaviour for the rest of the week, he is really needing to start full time kindy, just so he is entertained and learning new things everyday.
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We are all permitted to our own views on parenting and I simply just answered someones question.
and something I will never forgive myself for.
Wasn't upset with anything you said.. like I said, we've tried it, but have just found it kind of skirts the issue and doesn't help him resolve what's upsetting him. Deep down it feels like a phase.. he does know how to behave.. which gives me some comfort LOL.. he's just really pushing it with us. I'm sure we'll survive it... I'm just wondering what the next challenge will be LOL.
she thinks she is 21!
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