Are we parenting her right???

[Olive]

DD2 (almost 22 months) is quiet a headstrong and determined little girl. We're in the process of trying to determine if she has some senory issues as well.

the question im wanting to ask is the way inwhich we often need to her do thing/stop doing things..
we almost always need to 'compromise' with her, its 'if you want to do this you need to do that first'... or if you want dessert then you need to eat this first. i also have similar issues with clothing where i often have to offer two sets of clothes to pick from.
is it ok to parent like this if it works? am i doing the wrong thing? is this giving her too much control?
she doesnt talk much, but her comprehension is amazing, she screams/shrieks alot too

im not even sure that what im asking or saying even makes sense.

[thepixie]

Big fan of what works
If it is working for you, go with it. You might find that as her language improves she becomes easier to deal with (and talks rather than shrieks) GL

[onthefly]

I think giving choices is a great way to go - well it's what we do a lot of time anyway
If it works, then it works.
For what it's worth, I don't think parents need to be "in control" to the extent that some people seem to think. You don't have to make all the decisions and control every aspect of their lives - she is quite able (and probably more than willing) to make all sorts of decisions and giving her the room to do that can only be a good thing. She has to learn to make good decisions for herself sometime. Giving her the space and opportunity to do it now - and learning about consequences, negotiating and meeting other people's needs - means that hopefully once she's out there as a teenager she'll already have those skills (you know what I mean?)

[Olive]

awesome guys you all make me feel better and that I'AM doing the right thing by her, both now and for the future

winter and marcellus you're right in that she most certainly understands concequences and if its not A or B then its nothing

phew...breathes a sigh of relief!

[Kazbah]

Gosh Olive, I don't know any other way to parent that isn't extremely loud and headache-inducing!!!!!

[Jennifer13]

Choices are our way of operating too, even though DD is probably not as headstrong as your DD2. It limits the need for me to hover and micromanage what she's doing and there's a clear consequence to either choice. Now she knows how it works, don't want to finish dinner = no dessert. She gets to choose and control what she eats and will happily tell us, I'm too full Mummy, I won't have dessert tonight. It was a process too, from do you want to wear this or that to you can choose what you want to wear, but choose colours that match. I get that's not important for everyone, but it means she is also choosing appropriate clothes for preschool (not dress ups, for eg!). If you want me to play a game with you, you need to clean up the toys you've finished playing with first. She doesn't have to clean up, she can keep playing with them if she wants, but then she's chosen not to play the game with me.

[maz]

you know hun

every child is different and if this way of parenting causes less stress, fight's, melt down's then Im all for it.

I parent all mine differently, I have to otherwise those guy's in the white coats would have taken me away a long long time ago

[Winter]

I think giving her choices is really good. I give my daughter the opportunity to chose as often as I can. I keep thinking that she's an individual and has her own ideas about things so if its not important stuff like which t-shirt to wear, then it gives her a feeling of control & is absolutely nothing to me.

To me, I think you're doing it just right. Compromise is good, if you can negotiate for what you want her to do, then great. If she does A she can have / do B. As long as there are consequences when she doesn't do A then you're not setting her up to be spoilt or giving her too much control.

Not all kids are compliant & passive, I think you just have to keep going with what works for your DD's personality type. Just remember that headstrong & determined are really positive character traits that will stand her in good stead throughout her life.

[beckoes]

thats basically what we do.

I say ''i thought we would do ....... after we have picked up all these books, what do you think?''
or ''oh, you want to have....., what a great idea. lets just finish lunch and we can have that''
or if there is something she cant do and i cant offer an alternitive i say ''oh, id love to do that to, i love doing that, oh, we will have to wait and do it another day''

if i am being impatient or not thinking and just say NO or LATER she cracks it and we get nowhere!!!!!

I think if you can find a way to get through the day without a huge battle i think thats the best and only way to parent! Sounds like your doing great!

[Ginger]

how's it all going olive?

[black_rose]

You are parenting her they way she needs to be.

With dd1 we do the same, offer choices and compromises. Eg you can have fruit if you eat all your veggies or she can go to outside if she tidies up. It's the easiest way to get her to agree to things if she can see rewards/ reason. She doesn't adapt to change very well at all, she was a premmie and in a brace so she had strict feeding and play routines. It's been challenging to break her out of them.

With dd2 she is very different she goes with the flow but always knows what she wants whether it's food or clothes we can't compromise with her, not sure how we will deal with her stubborn streak yet.

If it's how your dd comprehends what you want her to do it's not a bad thing at all. I see it as positive reinforcement and rewards, rather than yelling etc.

[MummaSue]

I don't know much about this stuff yet, but it sounds like you're doing great with your wee one - parenting her just the way she needs to be parented

[Fleur]

I'm a fan of choices, not just to avoid meltdowns either, but they work great with a dithering child who wants to take an hour to decide what to have for breakfast :P
Whatever works (within reason) - if it's not hurting anyone, if it's not unreasonable, there's no harm, you know?

And ITA with Marcellus

For what it's worth, I don't think parents need to be "in control" to the extent that some people seem to think. You don't have to make all the decisions and control every aspect of their lives - she is quite able (and probably more than willing) to make all sorts of decisions and giving her the room to do that can only be a good thing. She has to learn to make good decisions for herself sometime. Giving her the space and opportunity to do it now - and learning about consequences, negotiating and meeting other people's needs - means that hopefully once she's out there as a teenager she'll already have those skills (you know what I mean?)

- couldn't have said it better myself.

[Michelle71]

I do the choices ALL the time. For DS1 it is things like "It is time for a shower. If you are not up there ready by the count of 5 then you will have to have a bath". Both options are fine by me but the choice of how he gets wet is his. It is a great technique. Fewer meltdowns because they have the perception they have made their own decisions when in reality they have done exactly what you wanted them to without a fight. I am all for encouraging choices and decision making - particularly when the outcome suits me too!!!

[angelaartsstudent]

We do the same with P.

A very frequent one is - If you want to watch the Wiggles, you have to sit down. (Rather than run around wildly)

It works for us.

P is exceptionally indepenant and headstrong....your daughter sounds perfectly normal!

We pick our battles re meltdowns...and are very good at ignoring the ones that happen over tiny, trivial things.

[Swoop]

I think you're doing fine Olive!

Like some of the PP's have said, I offer choices as part of my parenting style. I don't feel like I really need to offer them at this stage, but believe that doing so will encourage confident independence. I also suspect that if you give choices where possible it'll be clear where the boundaries are on the non-negotiables. Not sure if it'll work yet, but I'm giving it a go!!

[OceanPrincess]

Olive I just finished learning some new parenting techniques and this was one of them - offering a reward for good/desirable behaviour. I think the idea is one day you won't have to give the reward, they should just be doing the behaviour because they have learned it.

DD is quite similar - I have to say "if you want this, then that" quite often!

[Trillian]

Jols, have you had her hearing checked at all? She has had a lot of ear infections and it could have impacted on her hearing - hence the lack of words. I had to do the same thing with DD2 - she is the most headstrong child you could imagine and while she thought she was having a choice and choosing xyz etc, in reality I was still controlling the situation because I'd chosen the things she had to choose between in the first place kwim? So everyone was a winner LOL. If this is what is working for you, then keep doing it.