What are you going to teach your kids about pornography?

[Arcadia]

Are you and your dp going to talk to your kids about porn? Do you think it's something that should be 'taught' (like appropriate sites, avoiding extreme stuff etc).

Do you think boys and girls need different approaches?

Dh and I had an interesting discussion on this. As a feminist I am pretty anti porn, but I recognize it has a place in some people's lives.

Mods sorry if this is in the wrong section.

[Phteven]

Eek. I guess that what I think they need to know is that it's not an accurate depiction of life, gender or sexuality.

[Rouge]

Eek. I guess that what I think they need to know is that it's not an accurate depiction of life, gender or sexuality.

Pretty much that. I'm pretty secure that when the time comes they will learn through us what is healthy and what is not. My husband doesn't objectify women, and I don't objectify men. And this is the foundations for a healthy view for all things relating to sexuality including pornography. I do believe in the monkey see, monkey do when it comes to all aspects of parenting. And I am not in anyway saying that all porn is wrong. But I understand where you are coming from.

[LimeSlice]

I'd agree with Rouge and Onyx...
Probably a bit the way I would describe a dildo - it doesn't look, feel or sound much like the real thing, but that doesn't mean it has no place in one's bedroom.

Teaching my daughters to have respect for themselves and to have a love for themselves will go along way I think, to ensuring a healthy respect for pornography, including its limitations and falsehoods.

[~clover~]

I don't have a problem with porn. Doesn't interest me so much & I didn't mind ex watching it. BUT I will be making it very clear that none of it is real & they're all pretending to enjoy what they're doing for money. Ex didn't seem to get that alot of that stuff just isn't reality for most people & that that is OK.
And none of the women actually look like that!

I don't think I'll be any different between the girls & the boy. The girls need to know they don't have to act like that & the boy needs to know that he can't expect that.

I really hope they aren't introduced to porn til they're in an established sexual relationship & they know what they will & won't accept & what reality is... but I know that I'm probably not living in reality there!

[PumpkinZulu]

I worry about this because of my experiences and past. I want to be the best parent I can possibly be, and guide my daughters (and possibly sons ) through their teen years with accurate knowledge, support and honesty. For me, I'm very anti-porn. But that's not what I'll teach my girls. I worry so, so much about them being hurt by it, or feeling inadequate as teenagers. I will teach them that exploring sexuality in that way can be normal and healthy, and it depends on how comfortable they are with it as to whether it not they explore it or not. And that's it's okay to not be okay with porn in a society saturated with it, that there's nothing wrong with them if its not what is okay with them. And that there's nothing wrong with embracing, enjoying and accepting it either. I don't want to project onto them. The thought of having a teenage son is hard for me in terms of this topic, but again, that's something I would have to overcome personally as to not force my bias onto my son. I just want my kids to have a healthy, balanced outlook. And I want them to think for themselves, and form their own opinions on what they are and are not comfortable with.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

That it is not cool and does not depict a normal, healthy, loving relationship between two fully and completely, freely consenting adults. That the porn star "look" is not normal - women have pubic hair and normal-sized breasts not made out of perky plastic.

If my son does decide he wants to watch porn, then we will sit down together and watch it and discuss what is going on and our emotional reaction to that - same as we do with In The Night Garden or any other film/programme, until I know he has the emotional maturity to cope with it on his own. (I honestly cannot think of any better way to turn a young man away from porn! I am anti-porn, in case you hadn't guessed.) If he watches it on his own, then I'll insist we watch it again from the beginning together. DH can join in too if he doesn't freak out about that.

[LimeSlice]

That it is not cool and does not depict a normal, healthy, loving relationship between two fully and completely, freely consenting adults. That the porn star "look" is not normal - women have pubic hair and normal-sized breasts not made out of perky plastic.

If my son does decide he wants to watch porn, then we will sit down together and watch it and discuss what is going on and our emotional reaction to that - same as we do with In The Night Garden or any other film/programme, until I know he has the emotional maturity to cope with it on his own. (I honestly cannot think of any better way to turn a young man away from porn! I am anti-porn, in case you hadn't guessed.) If he watches it on his own, then I'll insist we watch it again from the beginning together. DH can join in too if he doesn't freak out about that.

Except that not all porn has women with breast implants, not all porn is nothing like real sex, not all porn is representative of all people, but that is because not all sexuality is the same - doesn't make one 'right' or 'wrong' or 'unhealthy'.

This is the thought process that REALLY ticks me off - because it quite clearly shows that one who thinks there is NO healthy/realistic/intimate pornography, has never really watched/seen much.

As to sitting down and watching porn with your son - really?? Do you anticipate that this will incite a healthy sexuality in your teenage son to develop? Just wondering in which dimension watching porn with your teenage son and discussing feelings about it is considered healthy, normal or in almost any way appropriate? That scares me. You cannot regulate your child's sexuality. What if he LIKES women with large breasts? What if he LIKES women who are waxed? Are you suggesting that that in some way is abnormal and undesirable and amoral?
I am really baffled by this response (clearly).
I also suspect that should a teen boy come to me to me in the future and reveals his mother makes him sit down and watch porn with her, I would be beyond concerned and take some action. That is... wow.

[Astrid]

DH and I have been discussing this. We both watch porn and steer away from the fake looking ones. Women in porn can be enjoying themselves and not all of it is exploitative.

We want to teach them that it does tend to show the more extreme sides of sex and that often there is prep going on in the back ground that enables the women to participate in the way they do. Also, that yes, everyone is different, and enjoys sex in different ways and just because it is done in porn does not mean that you have to do it.

We will probably find what we class as "safe" porn. Porn that we feel displays the more average, everyday, vanilla sex. Have that on hand for the girls when they hit an age we feel is appropriate and they will have the option to view it.

To me the discussion of porn fits in with all the other sex talk.

[BrightSparkles]

I think i'll answer questions as the arise and discuss it as and when it arises. Kids will only process how much they want at that time. It's all over the place in all different forms and different extremeties.

[HotI]

This is the thought process that REALLY ticks me off - because it quite clearly shows that one who thinks there is NO healthy/realistic/intimate pornography, has never really watched/seen much.

hmmm, i don't know. i really don't feel like wading through the sludge to find the 'good' porn so i can educate my kids on it.

Similarly, i am not going to try all the drugs or all the lifestyles or all religions, but i still feel that i can give my kids perspective on them.

it's a tough one

[PumpkinZulu]

That it is not cool and does not depict a normal, healthy, loving relationship between two fully and completely, freely consenting adults. That the porn star "look" is not normal - women have pubic hair and normal-sized breasts not made out of perky plastic.

If my son does decide he wants to watch porn, then we will sit down together and watch it and discuss what is going on and our emotional reaction to that - same as we do with In The Night Garden or any other film/programme, until I know he has the emotional maturity to cope with it on his own. (I honestly cannot think of any better way to turn a young man away from porn! I am anti-porn, in case you hadn't guessed.) If he watches it on his own, then I'll insist we watch it again from the beginning together. DH can join in too if he doesn't freak out about that.

Don't you worry that that will be incredibly damaging to your relationship with your son? In terms of his trust of you, his own personal identity/space etc? This coming from someone extremely anti-porn.

[glenny_c]

I woul think that too PZ. I imagine if he confessed to her that he watched porn and that was the result. It may be the last thing he ever shares.

[Arcadia]

Politically I am very anti porn, but my rational kind accepts it is ok for many many people.

I have already said I don't want our kids to think porn in any way represents an appropriate treatment of women, so we seem to have a double standard between the boys and girls, because dh thinks boys will just look anyway :/

Dh has expressed a desire to discuss porn with our sons so they don't stumble across some sick stuff. He wants to show them where to look and how to handle it I suppose. I find this tricky because I agree that some guidance would be protective of a young man, and would prevent some of the damage done by curiosity and teenage persistence to find out extreme stuff. I also think girls might need the same guidance, but I very much doubt my daughters will go looking for porn...but who knows?

Thanks for the discussion!

[jellybean88]

Basically we a Christian and we will teach our children it is wrong we will teach them about saving sex for marriage and having a healthy relationship with their hopefully one and only spouse all the values we hold on our own marriage

[loulabelle]

Arcadia! You've made me have to think about something in soooo not ready to have to think about!

I don't know what I'll do when that time comes. I imagine I'll try to be honest with them and explain exactly what it is. Explain that a lot of it is very fake but not all if it. I don't ever want my children feeling ashamed, so I'm not going to make out its horrible and disgusting. Like anything to do with sex, I do think it's important to lead the conversation to how important it is for sex to be respectful and consensual.

Watch it with then? No way! I feel that would be totally wrong and do exactly what I don't want to do - shame them and make then feel they've done something wrong. That's a really good way to screw up someone's sexuality.

[Gigi]

i think, with many kids having their own portable computers (iphones, ipads etc) with them all the time, wherever they go, there is massive opportunity for kids to be looking up all kinds of things, including porn, from pretty early ages. And then show what they find to their friends. That's how i assume my DD will discover porn.

Kids are pretty literal, i think porn is often used by boys, to justify, why they think girls should do, what the boys want them to do. Peer pressure - e.g the make girls perform oral sex on a lineup of guys. I'm terrified by what i hear is the current/new way of being a teenager.

There apparently is more sex slave trafficking going on around the world, than ever before. Part of this is forced prostitution and production of porn. I doubt most people watching porn are even aware of that.

i think many kids will view porn, alot younger than parents will suspect - due to the easy access to the web.

i find all of this incredibly scary, don't know how to deal with it, don't even know where to ask. The little info i have seen, relates to desktop computers. (out of date with current reality of portable computers).

[BellyBelly]

I think it should be done too - last year at school (year 3 for my daughter) there was an incident where some girls (including my daughter) were looking up whaling and typed in 'whale net'. Looking at the images for it, they found women in body fishnet stockings and all sorts. It was investigated by the school and turns out the education department had turned off some filter due to complaints, but put it back on. But too late for the other boys to be huddled around one of their computers and had looked up some site about a sex club which his dad apparently had been using. So maybe he found it on the computer or maybe the dad was too open with his son. These are 9 year old kids, that will no doubt rember that and do it on their oen devices/computers etc. Its not just your kids you need to worry about.