To smack or not to smack

[delphmoon]

Last night,( after little Miss had a tantrum because her shoes didn't fit ) DH said soon he will have to give DD a smack for being 'naughty'. I glared at him and said he will NOT be smacking her!!

Ofcourse this started off a friendly debate about the whole smacking thing. Both DH and I were smacked as kids. My dad used to use his belt and DH's dad would use a stick Anyway- the age old " I was smacked as a child and I turned out ok" saying was tossed around.

I couldn't smack my DD. I couldn't stand back and let DH smack her either. It made me wonder- how did my mum feel when Dad used the belt across our bottoms? Mum said she didn't really have a choice. Dad was the boss. Hmmm.

So, I am in 2 minds. Sometimes talking just doesn't cut it. The whole "You make me feel....when you.....and I would like you to....." when we are talking about a 2 year old screaming her lungs out doesn't do the trick. I also don't think belting her is the solution either.

So how did you guys decide? Was there even a decision to make for some of you? What do you do if you and you partner don't agree?

All opinions welcome.

[Arcadia]

There have been times when I've wanted to smack dd, and there have been one or two occasions where I have, but I've always regretted it later. I don't like smacking because it is a physical show of domination over a child, who is frankly acting like a normal child. Tantrums, naughty behavior, even dangerous stuff is all part of growing up.

I don't judge people who do smack, because I recognize that feeling...but in all honesty I don't think it works. It just creates fear and avoidance on the part of the child, and they will then find a way to do the activity without being caught. I also think it is illogical to expect a child not to push or hit other children if you're going to hit them when you're frustrated and upset.

Physical aggression is not useful in our society. We need positive outlets such as sport and friendly wrestling...but otherwise I think a parents job is to protect their child and be good role models, not to exert physical domination and aggression.

Yes we are all human, and yes it is sometimes impossible to control that urge, but that's what I rationally think of smacking

[kelebek]

This is purely my own opinion and respect each parent's choice to parent in the way they choose that fit's their family.

I also think it is illogical to expect a child not to push or hit other children if you're going to hit them when you're frustrated and upset.

For me this is the biggest reason I don't smack. I am a big believer in being a role model for DS which means so that means if it is not ok for him to hit and smack other people then it isn't ok for me to hit him. I was smacked as a child (sometimes it did cross the line) and I am scared that if I do smack DS it would not be controlled. I don't even like the idea of a controlled smack.

I have smacked DS twice and regretted it each time as it was unnecessary and I am the one who lost my temper. I did apologise for hitting him. DS is a well behaved child and I do put that partly down to the fact that he isn't smacked. It could also be cause I only have one

[Cranky Kitten]

I can count on one hand the number of times I have smacked DD. And only when she had ignored several other methods and was doing something that absolutely couldn't be allowed to continue, such as running out into carparks or other such dangerous behaviour. I hated doing it and felt crap every time, but it worked for the short period before she was able to understand my reasoning with her.

The majority of the time I'd use the stern "mummy voice" which was enough, otherwise we'd have other consequences like loss of favourite toy for specified length of time, time in bedroom etc. Tantrums were interesting and depended on the reason for the tantrum - overtired and so on weren't really her fault so I'd do what I could to calm her then rectify the problem. She never really did the shopping centre tantie after the first couple of times it got met with an amused "it's not going to work" and continuing about our business. Mind you, when she was well behaved she'd get a thankyou and occasionally (but not every time) a treat.

[wysiwyg]

I also think it is illogical to expect a child not to push or hit other children if you're going to hit them when you're frustrated and upset.

I have also thought this, and now when I see how much my toddler copies mine and DH behavior and how quickly they pick things up - e.g. see things once and can then copy exactly - it has reinforced my belief that you need to behave the way you want your child to behave because that is the biggest influence on them. I was smacked as a child, never badly, and no it didn't harm me but I am quite quick to lash out and have smacked DD on one occasion and wished I hadn't, it is hard to restrain that urge and maybe if I hadn't been smacked then I wouldn't have that urge - who knows. Tonight she pinched her brothers nose because she was cross with me about not reading another story - I did restrain myself from giving her a smack - and after a few minutes of her screaming blue murder because I just left the room with DS - she calmed down and when I went back in she apologised and explained what she was apologising for - I am not sure I would have got that if I had smacked her.

[myturn]

wow wysiwyg - I think you're right, you wouldn't have got that without a lot of tears and stress... and it wouldn't mean nearl as much. I think that's an awesome validation of your style :-) well done!!

[Calluna]

I do smack. I hate it. But sometimes when I've asked him a number of times not to do something, he refuses to stop, and I've exhausted every other avenue to no avail, yes, I've smacked him.

I was smacked as a child and have to make a concious, concerted effort to not smack my son.

I am trying very hard to work on this, and getting better.


Have you tried validating your LO's feelings? "I can see you are angry/sad/upset because x, we can't do x because ... We can do y instead" Give him/her a minute to process it, if s/he continues repeat it. Staying calm and comforting them at the same time. This works very well here. 99% of the time he calms down and it's fine.

"When they are upset and angry is when they need our love the most." Is something I am constantly reminding myself of.

[onthefly]

I used to think it's ok. We were smacked (or threatened with it at least).
Then I thought, no, I don't like it, but 'each to their own'.
Now I just think, no, it's not ok. It's not ok to use violence to solve problems. Nor is it ok to physically dominate people like this. It's not ok for adults to hit other adults, so why would it be ok to hit children? Doesn't make sense to me.
Plus of course children learn how to treat us and other people from the way we treat them.

I'm not pretending to be perfect or anything - I've done things I think are unacceptable - but I'm working on that and I'm not going to pretend it's ok.

[Snowy Love]

My response to

the age old " I was smacked as a child and I turned out ok"

is, no you're not OK 'cause you think its alright to hit a child.
Having said that I'm not OK as I have hit DS1 when I was angry and then spent the rest of the day appologising to him as to me its not right to hit anyone and I don't want him thinking it is.


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[myturn]

I also am not to bothered if people choose to smack their child, but I don't think it is necessary to get them to do what you want either. I think that if you don't do it to other children when babysitting, why do you need to do it to your own child??

I think a loud "stop" or, "that's it, in your room" and leaving them in their bedroom for 5 - 10 minutes so everyone can calm down will have the same effect.

I also don't believe in explaining everything to children either. IMO, the "you make me feel" statements were never created for dicussions with small children. That is professionals helping adults learn how to communicate effectively with other adults. I think you keep your instructions simple with kids and too much langauge (especially when they are overwhelmed) is too confusing.
I also like the 123 Magic strategy - which can be used with children about 2 +

anyway - back to your question - I think I'm lucky DH has never smacked his daughter, and we both agree - that while we wouldn't beat ourselves up over it if it happened, it's not necessary to get kids to do what you want. And I prefer to SHOW my child the appropriate way to act as well as teach them.

having said that... although I have lots of expereince with kids, have been in DSD's life since she was 4, and my mum had a baby when I was 18 (and I lived at home for most of the first 10 years of his life), I don't actually know how I will respond to my own toddler. But I hope I don't, cause... although it never hurt me.... I was afraid of my dad at times (and I had a perfectly normal upbringing!), and don't want my kids to ever be afraid of making a mistake and owning up to it with me.

we don't have control over each other, only our own reactions to things. All you can do is explain your perspective to DH, and if he chooses to smack, then really you can't do anything about it - cause that is his relationship with DD he is working on, and DD needs to know that whether you agree with dad or not, you will support his decision - it's a tough one!! I think I'm lucky that we agree on parenting style for the most part.

truly though... whatever either of you do - she will surely be fine ;-)

[MissEm]

No, I don't agree with smacking a child.

I will have to come back to this. Getting dinner ready, and I can't exactly say I wouldn't smack without giving my reasoning.

[Lady-bug]

I have smacked a few times, as a very very last resort and felt horrible about it!! So I'm trying very hard to use other techniques.

I read something interesting the other day that was basically a little story that went something like, "a woman had a small car accident, when she told her husband about the accident he told he that she needed to be more careful next time when driving. The next week the woman had another car accident, when she told her husband about he smacked her on the leg and said, I told you not to do that".

Then it said that this woman could take her husband to the police and have him charged for assult.

Yet we think its ok to smack our kids???

[TeniBear]

DH and I almost broke up once (long before we has kids) because he mentioned something about smacking our kids and I blew up at him We talked it out, and I ended up getting him to see my point of view on it. He was smacked (well, belted, really) and I wasn't.

One of the begrudging bits of respect I have for my dad is that he never ever hit us. We disagree in so many ways, but this is one we're on the same page about. If I see or hear someone hitting their kids when I'm out shopping, I have to restrain myself from retaliating on behalf of the kid...

[Charlotte91]

I was smacked (wooden spoon or Dad's hand). Dad was quick to smack. DH was smacked. Our best mate was abused. He remembered being bashed by his dad at 6 years old so hard that he lifted off the ground. Chairs being thrown at him. Thrown into walls. He was abused up until he was in his 20s. He ended up being on drugs for quite a few years (he's clean now) and he has mental problems now because of being abused. He is borderline skizophrenic, massive anxiety, anger problems. He has never hit his kids or raised his voice at them. He only sees them every 3-4 weeks, tho. He's the sweetest man you've ever known and it hurts so much to hear him open up and tell me about his childhood.
Because of what our best mate when through we will never hit DD. Yes, she gets a smack on the hand if she keeps touching something. But "no" and take-the-child-away works wonders for us.

[Heaven]

No, I don't want to smack. I was smacked and so was DH. I have been so frustrated that I have wanted to and sometimes it seems like a natural reaction, maybe because that's what my parents did to me.

But I don't believe in hitting someone to get them to do what you want. And I want DD to grow up and make choices based on what is 'right' not because she's afraid I'll hit her.

[PumpkinZulu]

I think it's wrong, period. Violence should never be used on children.

[Jennifer13]

IMO smacking is completely ineffective and potentially destructive. Says more about the parent than the child's behaviour.

DP and I have always been on the same page wrt no smacking. I can't imagine how you are teaching a small child (or anyone) anything positive by using physical violence. If my DD 'smacked' me she'd be spending some time alone to calm down! How is it okay for me to do it to her? I think it's an even stronger message that an adult is not allowed to use their physical strength and size against a small child than two children with each other!

I am not perfect and I have smacked DD out of reflex once. My goodness, did I apologise wholeheartedly after that one.

[Inertia]

Smacking a crying child doesn't make them stop crying...

On another note. Why does everyone always assume people smack their children because they are angry/frustrated/upset/'out of control'? Always been the most curious thing to me.

My response to

is, no you're not OK 'cause you think its alright to hit a child.
Having said that I'm not OK as I have hit DS1 when I was angry and then spent the rest of the day appologising to him as to me its not right to hit anyone and I don't want him thinking it is.


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Always wondered where this left the "I was smacked as a child and so I don't smack" people. because they are ok... right?
Can we really have it both ways?