question about PET and similar styles of parenting

[BellyBelly]

I have found that I was already doing some things that they teach, so its not a MAJOR change, but at the same time, some things have. But in terms of the changes, they have responded extremely positively right away, no issue at all, and which child would have an issue when they feel they are being heard and understood? For example if your hubby came home and said, 'You've been working so hard all day, you must be tired, let me take over those dishes for you.' Maybe you'd be surprised at first - but wouldn't take much to get used to - and how good would you feel? Appreciated? Understood? Like he KNOWS what you're going through.

Same with the kids. They respond so much better because they feel the love and the care. Not dictatorship or that mum is a pushover. You also have to bear in mind, its not like you do this every single day - you dont have problems every day that require this. Once a week we seem to have one major outburst requiring what we've learnt at PET. Then I can solve it quickly with peace, then get on with my evening while they sleep happily in bed. The more you practice it, the less you end up using it because the communication is tonnes better. Who wants a stressful home?

[tenar]

The authoritative parent attempts to direct the child's activities but in a rational, issue-oriented manner. She [the parent] encourages verbal give and take, shares with the child the reasoning behind her policy, and solicits his objections when he refuses to conform. Both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity are valued. [She values both expressive and instrumental attributes, both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity] ... Therefore she exerts firm control at points of parent-child divergence, but does not hem the child in with restrictions. She enforces her own perspective as an adult, but recognizes the child's individual interests and special ways. The authoritative parent affirms the child's present qualities, but also sets standards for future conduct. She uses reason, power, and shaping by regime and reinforcement to achieve her objectives, and does not base her decisions on group consensus or the individual child's desires. [... but also does not regard herself as infallible, or divinely inspired.] (p. 891) [Note that portions in brackets are significant additions to the prototype in Baumrind (1967).]

Now this is, I'd say, more or less how I was parented. And it seems pretty right to me. Children don't have the brain development to make many of the decisions that their parents should make. It is important to respect each child as an individual who has different needs and different preferences to others. But this description of a parenting style doesn't seem very "democratic". If the parent is in control at points of divergence, and does not base her decisions on group consensus, that's not democracy. It does seem to me like sensible parenting, though.

I think I must be misunderstanding the material on the PET website.

Thanks for the advice and comments, everyone.

[BellyBelly]

There's not much out there unfortunately and of course not everything is perfect... but compared to everything else out there... this is as close to it as I can find. There is alot of bad crap out there, teaching punishments and authoritative styles.