family estrangement ruining my enjoyment

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 01:02 PM

DH has, as he puts it, no family. the one sibling he had a relationship with passed away in 2006. he used to be close to his nephew, and is god parent to nephews daughters - but following the death of his brother, said nephew and his wife turned nasty (greed will do that) and have done their best to firstly get everything they could, secondly break us up, and thirdly, cause us every drama they could over the past 2 and a bit years. they've hurt me, they've hurt DH - and they've used their children as weapons against DH. they effectively told him that he could not have contact with his godchildren unless he relented and paid a claim we know to be fraudulant against his brothers estate. the nephew has physically assaulted DH, and both the nephew and his wife have threatened physical violence against me - when DH gave HIS dog to my brother!

anyhoot - as much as this couple treat us like dirt, they have done little to harm the friendship that nephew has with my brother - he works for my bro, and as a result, has enough of a brain to keep the peace and earn himself some dollars.

i don't want this couple to know about the Gremlin at ALL - but i know it will happen. we haven't told my bro's younger kids because they will tell their kids. the nephew's wife has accused me of lying about miscarrying to get attention. she has done everything in her power to make my life stressful over the past two years and i just don't want her to know - but i'm not stupid - i know they'll find out. it's just impacting everything. i can't tell my extended family until i'm far enough along that i know her attitude won't cause a stress induced miscarriage - most people share at 12 weeks - we're not sharing until Christmas (i'll be around 17 weeks by then) simply so this couple doesn't find out.

my problem - i want to share. i want to be able to enjoy this. i want to be able to tell my extended family. i want them to be able to enjoy this with us - and i can't. i'm PETRIFIED of what is going to happen when they find out. i KNOW DH will start getting nasty calls on his mobile about not including his god daughters (even though THEY cut him out), they'll try and guilt him about not spending time with them. they'll try and blackmail him about access to their kids. about their kids getting access to their cousin. i have NO issue with the kids seeing the Gremlin when WE are ready - on the proviso that DH picks them up, they come to the house, he returns them so that the parents have no access to our child at all.

i don't know where i'm going with this - guess i'm just wondering if anyone else has had a situation like this - how have you gotten past it - or at least survived it??

**anney** · November 1st, 2008, 01:14 PM

BG, not the same family situation but can just relate to the "inability to share". I have a great relationship with my family but my mum and dad are very catholic and because I was 40, I wanted to have all the tests to make sure everything was OK. I did not want to tell mum and dad while there was a chance something might go wrong (if we had to consider the abortion option) so we planned to wait until the amnio results came back at 17 weeks. As it turned out, my mum had a stroke 2 days before we planned to tell her so we did not end up telling mum and dad until 22 weeks.
We had told my sisters, my work, my friends, just not mum and dad. It was really hard to keep the secret, as I wanted them to enjoy it but I felt it was the best decision in the circumstances and therefore I was at peace with it so in that way it did not play on my mind.
Your decision sounds like it is really playing on your mind. so what it going to cause more stress? ie. the dwelling on it and anticipation or the actual doing and getting it over and done with. If you are going to get sh*te either way then just tell everyone at 12 weeks and get it over and done with. they may find out and give you more crap for not telling them.
I am sure lots of lovely people will make a fuss and let you enjoy it and hopefully it will outweigh the other negativity.

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 01:25 PM

thanks Anney

It's just really bugging me today i guess. we've decided HOW to tell family - we're getting a profile pic from NT scan, putting a Santa hat on it, and making that the front of our Christmas cards for everyone, so from that perspective, i'm happy with doing something special. i think that part that is so hard for me is about telling DH's god daughters. DH is devastated that the kids have been used as weapons against him, and i know it hurts him that, even if they're at my bro's now and we're there, they pull away from him. we don't know what has been said (except that we said they couldn't be in our wedding which is a massive lie!), but i know whatever it is, it's making them pull away from him. i want for him to be able to share with his family (well, the kids) the way i will share with mine - but he just can't. i know, for the first time since we've been together, he refuses to let me buy them something for Christmas. so it's obvious it's hurting him. i don't know if we should just give them a card like everyone else, whether just to wait til they find out (which would likely be when they go back to school) or what. it's just too damn hard!

i think i need to stop thinking about it - it's just so hard to do!

**Aimz** · November 1st, 2008, 01:39 PM

It's a tough situation and one that, unfortunately, you have to face sooner or later. I think you will feel better once it is all out in the open, everyone knows and then deal with people's reactions/compaints/pettiness when and if it occurs. You might find that when everyone does know, you will have other people defending you to the people who have chosen to be negative.

We had a falling out with mu uncle when my Pop passed away in 2006. We haven't spoken to him in two years and I always feel horrible about it. He was always such a great uncle and we shared EVERY Christmas together as this big, happy family. But the day of planning my grandfather's funeral he raised a hand to my Mum and then stormed out of the house. I haven't seen him since. I haven't spoken to him since. And I won't because I stand by my Mum.

It's a completely different situation but I completely understand how it feels to be in conflict with family

**anney** · November 1st, 2008, 01:41 PM

Oh, that is really bad that the kids are being used in that way. I am sorry that your DH is getting treated like that. Seems to me though, that treating them the same way as you are treating everyone else is the best thing, so give them a card. Otherwise it may be used against you.

**Bumperstump Cummerbund** · November 1st, 2008, 01:47 PM

I have to say, what a crappy situation to be in

Anney's right, which situation is causing you more stress? You're under a lot of stress right now, wondering what kind of scene there will be when you announce it - but at the same time you don't want them to stress you out because they know you're pregnant.

DH and I had a similar situation - although it was our wedding, not me being pg - and I got so tired and stressed out trying to please everyone that I ended up just doing whatever WE wanted, and stuffing the rest!! At the end of the day, if your extended family is going to be unsupportive, they'll do it whether they find out now or at Christmas. The only difference if you tell them now will be, you don't have to stress about it any more!

I know it is easier to type than do

but you might have to just distance yourself. You have your DH and a Gremlin on the way - you don't have time to worry about others hangups. It sounds like you guys have done MORE than your fair share of trying to fix this thing, its time to just let it go.

Sending SO many congratulations to you on the Gremlin - and don't forget you have a huge, supportive, and a little bit nutty family here on BB

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 01:54 PM

"LITTLE bit nutty???"

more like insane (and i'd not have it any other way!)

i think you're right in that we'll let the girls know the same as everyone else. given that we'll be telling my Aunt on Christmas Day (she has an intellectual disability, so i need to wait until i can manage her enthusiastic calls EVERY day!), our plan is to post our Christmas cards on Christmas eve so that they arrive for the extended family soon after Christmas. i'm thinking the easiest thing for DH's god daughters will be to post their cards at the same time - and then leave it up to them to contact DH to talk about it when (if) their parents let them

i'm standing by the notion that they will only be allowed out here when we are ready for them - and when DH can pick them up and take them home. their parents have not been welcome on the property since nephew took a swing at DH and the police had to be called. if they turn up, the local copper lives next door, so he'll be summoned and they'll be charged with trespass. we won't tell them which hospital we're at, so they wont be able to turn up there either!

**Indadhanu** · November 1st, 2008, 01:55 PM

BG I'm sorry

I do know what its like being so scared to share the news, its horrible because all you want to do is shout it to everyone but then you worry about people reactions and what they'll do... I can't find the words that I want to write right now, but you know my story and you know that I understand what you're going through, especially being scared of telling them and their using the children against you...

I'm sorry I can't think of what to write, but I'm thinking of you and hope that you and DH can keep focused on your new little family now

kirsty_lee · November 1st, 2008, 03:33 PM

Bg, i am so sorry you have to deal with this but you know what darl. This is YOUR baby, you worked bloody hard, shed alot of tears getting to this point and unfortuneatly people are going to have to just deal with it. I know it's hard because you don't want the abusive phone calls etc, but bg you deserve to be happy and don't let other people put a dampner on it! I guess, and most people will agree, as soon as you are a mum your whole perception changes on life and you wont give two stuffs what someone else thinks cause you'll be on top of the world!!!

for you darlin

**~Kaz~** · November 1st, 2008, 08:18 PM

Hey BG

what an awful situation you have.

I don't have the same family issues as you've described but I feel exactly the same way about some of my colleagues finding out about my pg and have been quite worried the whole time about my predictions of how some of them will react and then how I'll react to their reactions. I know it's not nearly the same in terms of the strength of emotional attachment or feelings (positive or negative) with colleagues compared to family members and my employment situation is hard to describe but I have managed to hide my pg from people at work. (God only knows how because I am definitely showing and they are starting to talk last week behind their hands so it won't be long).

Your poor DH. He sounds like he's been to hell and back over this (as have you as well). I agree with Anney - which option will cause you more stress? Given some of the questions I have had at scans, I got the impression that 15 weeks is the magic line (or basically the whole first trimester I guess) for the highest risk period for m/c. And Christmas is only a couple of weeks after that. Not sure if that helps or hinders but if you choose to keep it quiet until then, just remember that you'll still have 5 months or so to share it with your own extended family.

In terms of how you survive it, I'd be listening to your gut reaction/petrified feelings and knowledge of past behaviour and keeping it quiet for now. In terms of me keeping mine quiet and coping - I guess I talked lots on BB and with those I do trust so I still felt like I was sharing it (didn't tell family until 10-11 weeks either btw), I also spent my 'worrying' time thinking of clever ways to respond to how I predict people at work will react. I've kind of planned ahead I guess. My challenge will be to keep my cool and maintain a professional demeanour even when the colleagues don't!!. Can you use your 'worry' time to think up strategies to innoculate yourselves against this couple? You sound like you have excellent boundaries already in place. If it gets nasty would an AVO be an over-reaction? Once you've got a plan in your heads, don't let yourself think about it for too long. A minute or two and then distract distract distract with something else.

All the best with whatever you decide to do.

**mrsmac** · November 1st, 2008, 08:29 PM

Oh my darling its such a terrible situation to be in, you two deserve some unadulterated joy not this stress. I cannot believe anyone would keep kids away from Mr.B he is like a textbook uncle figure Erin thought he was great.
You do have an amazing and in some cases sane family here on BB!!

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 10:12 PM

Kaz - AVO is not a possibility because we've never lived together - how pathetic! we've discussed paying to have a court order put in place to keep them off the property, but it's rather exxy and i don't think it would solve the problem - my brother lives in the same street, and because he works with the nephew, nephew turns up there when we're there. haven't faced his wife there for quite some time (SIL has told her she's not welcome) - but any court order that prevents them coming within x distance of us would impact my ability to visit my bro cos the nephew works with him - it's waaaaaaaay too complex!

have spoken to DH - he has decided the girls will find out like everyone else - in a card after Christmas - i'll believe that when he lets me post the cards. his initial reaction wast "why the hell should i tell them, they don't care about us". i feel really bad for him - i know the girls want to care, but they've been fed so many lies and aren't old enough (7 and 10) to tell mum to go to hell cos they want to call DH

mrsmac - what you seen of DH with your kidlets was nothing compared to what he's normally like - he was taking a step back so as not to overwhelm them (esp seeing Riley was in such an interesting mood!) - normally at a place like that (if he'd met you and the kids before) you and I would have been left to chat and he'd have been off doing whatever he could to keep them entertained. he's just that kind of guy. Riley would have gone home with more than one fluffy toy too!

**briggsy's girl** · November 2nd, 2008, 09:21 AM

decided to bite the bullet today and tell one of my cousins (well, distant cousin blood wise, very close cousin relationship wise!!) - her mum and my grandad were cousins - so blood tie is not close, but she used to live local, and we formed a great bond.

anyhoot. one of her cousins is in my team at work. I only realised recently that i had the same relationship, blood wise, with W that i have with H - i'd never met W before i worked with her! H is very close to W's dad though, and if W finds out (which she is bound to do seeing i sit near her at work), she will mention to her dad (he's close to my mum as well) and it would likely get back to H

anyone confused yet???

anyhow - decided that, seeing i shouldbe back at work this week, i was going to ring and tell H. got her partner on the phone cos H is off having a ride on a Harley (noice!) - i have a great relationship with partner J, so told her about the Gremlin. she was so excited! i have an off-BB blog so gave her the link, and she was in there looking at piccies of the Gremlin while she was talking to me. no doubt i'll get another call from H later in the day. they know of our struggles, and have both been fantastic support through the many family issues we've had of late, so it was a mammoth relief to be able to share! they live close-ish to some other family, and know that we're not sharing, so will keep it quiet - i have complete faith in them that way.

soo, i've reduced my stress levels heaps just by sharing - and have another couple that know what we've been through that i can confide in, without stressing it will get out!

thanks for all your replies yesterday ladies.

**Arimeh** · November 2nd, 2008, 09:41 AM

BG

Such a sad situation with family members that make life difficult huh? If only we could choose our family as well as our friends

And FWIW - you know my thread about the Aunty/Auntie dilemma? She hasn't been informed that Miss M even exists - and she lives about 20 minutes away from me - the closest relative I have to my house!! But after getting blown up by text messages about my sister not thanking her for the flowers she brought to the funeral of my sister's stillborn - she's not that much of a loss in my life.

Life is too short to deal with selfish, MEAN, ignorant people that you wouldn't bother peeing on if they were on fire. Why should we have to deal with their crap because they are family - you wouldn't if they were a friend

**briggsy's girl** · November 2nd, 2008, 09:50 AM

i don't understand some people Mel - that need to be recognised for every small gesture - the self-importance - it just makes no sense to me! obviously the situation with a still born would, in my eyes, negate any requirement for recognition of flowers - that's just petty!

i would love to be able to keep the Gremlin from all of DH's family (and a lot of mine to be honest) - they're just selfish inconsiderate prats. unfortunately, when you grow up in a small town (less than 6000 people) move to an even smaller town (less than 1000), and both you and your DH have grown up locally, it's to be expected that the bulk of your extended family is local as well - and as such, unless we travel to Melbourne to do the grocery shopping, we're bound to run into them when out and about.

DH's sister will make a big song and dance about being excluded from the new family members life - when DH's brother passed 10 days after our engagement, she turned up after not acknowledging DH or his brother for 6 years - and gave us an engagement present. weird woman! DH has made his intentions clear - if anything arrives for the Gremlin from anyone other than his god-daughters (he still loves them dearly) it will be returned unopened. we've had several years of either being ignored or treated like crap - that won't change simply because we have a baby.

i love so much that my man is someone of such integrity - even though i know how much it pains him to essentially have no family, he stands up for himself and refuses to take their crap. plus, as he said, marrying me he got the best of both worlds - the wife he wanted, and a brother he is very close to (and a SIL we're both fantastic friends with!)