I don't have the same family issues as you've described but I feel exactly the same way about some of my colleagues finding out about my pg and have been quite worried the whole time about my predictions of how some of them will react and then how I'll react to their reactions. I know it's not nearly the same in terms of the strength of emotional attachment or feelings (positive or negative) with colleagues compared to family members and my employment situation is hard to describe but I have managed to hide my pg from people at work. (God only knows how because I am definitely showing and they are starting to talk last week behind their hands so it won't be long).
Your poor DH. He sounds like he's been to hell and back over this (as have you as well). I agree with Anney - which option will cause you more stress? Given some of the questions I have had at scans, I got the impression that 15 weeks is the magic line (or basically the whole first trimester I guess) for the highest risk period for m/c. And Christmas is only a couple of weeks after that. Not sure if that helps or hinders but if you choose to keep it quiet until then, just remember that you'll still have 5 months or so to share it with your own extended family.
In terms of how you survive it, I'd be listening to your gut reaction/petrified feelings and knowledge of past behaviour and keeping it quiet for now. In terms of me keeping mine quiet and coping - I guess I talked lots on BB and with those I do trust so I still felt like I was sharing it (didn't tell family until 10-11 weeks either btw), I also spent my 'worrying' time thinking of clever ways to respond to how I predict people at work will react. I've kind of planned ahead I guess. My challenge will be to keep my cool and maintain a professional demeanour even when the colleagues don't!!. Can you use your 'worry' time to think up strategies to innoculate yourselves against this couple? You sound like you have excellent boundaries already in place. If it gets nasty would an AVO be an over-reaction? Once you've got a plan in your heads, don't let yourself think about it for too long. A minute or two and then distract distract distract with something else.
Oh my darling its such a terrible situation to be in, you two deserve some unadulterated joy not this stress. I cannot believe anyone would keep kids away from Mr.B he is like a textbook uncle figure Erin thought he was great.
You do have an amazing and in some cases sane family here on BB!!
Kaz - AVO is not a possibility because we've never lived together - how pathetic! we've discussed paying to have a court order put in place to keep them off the property, but it's rather exxy and i don't think it would solve the problem - my brother lives in the same street, and because he works with the nephew, nephew turns up there when we're there. haven't faced his wife there for quite some time (SIL has told her she's not welcome) - but any court order that prevents them coming within x distance of us would impact my ability to visit my bro cos the nephew works with him - it's waaaaaaaay too complex!
have spoken to DH - he has decided the girls will find out like everyone else - in a card after Christmas - i'll believe that when he lets me post the cards. his initial reaction wast "why the hell should i tell them, they don't care about us". i feel really bad for him - i know the girls want to care, but they've been fed so many lies and aren't old enough (7 and 10) to tell mum to go to hell cos they want to call DH
mrsmac - what you seen of DH with your kidlets was nothing compared to what he's normally like - he was taking a step back so as not to overwhelm them (esp seeing Riley was in such an interesting mood!) - normally at a place like that (if he'd met you and the kids before) you and I would have been left to chat and he'd have been off doing whatever he could to keep them entertained. he's just that kind of guy. Riley would have gone home with more than one fluffy toy too!
decided to bite the bullet today and tell one of my cousins (well, distant cousin blood wise, very close cousin relationship wise!!) - her mum and my grandad were cousins - so blood tie is not close, but she used to live local, and we formed a great bond.
anyhoot. one of her cousins is in my team at work. I only realised recently that i had the same relationship, blood wise, with W that i have with H - i'd never met W before i worked with her! H is very close to W's dad though, and if W finds out (which she is bound to do seeing i sit near her at work), she will mention to her dad (he's close to my mum as well) and it would likely get back to H
anyone confused yet???
anyhow - decided that, seeing i shouldbe back at work this week, i was going to ring and tell H. got her partner on the phone cos H is off having a ride on a Harley (noice!) - i have a great relationship with partner J, so told her about the Gremlin. she was so excited! i have an off-BB blog so gave her the link, and she was in there looking at piccies of the Gremlin while she was talking to me. no doubt i'll get another call from H later in the day. they know of our struggles, and have both been fantastic support through the many family issues we've had of late, so it was a mammoth relief to be able to share! they live close-ish to some other family, and know that we're not sharing, so will keep it quiet - i have complete faith in them that way.
soo, i've reduced my stress levels heaps just by sharing - and have another couple that know what we've been through that i can confide in, without stressing it will get out!
Such a sad situation with family members that make life difficult huh? If only we could choose our family as well as our friends
And FWIW - you know my thread about the Aunty/Auntie dilemma? She hasn't been informed that Miss M even exists - and she lives about 20 minutes away from me - the closest relative I have to my house!! But after getting blown up by text messages about my sister not thanking her for the flowers she brought to the funeral of my sister's stillborn - she's not that much of a loss in my life.
Life is too short to deal with selfish, MEAN, ignorant people that you wouldn't bother peeing on if they were on fire. Why should we have to deal with their crap because they are family - you wouldn't if they were a friend
i don't understand some people Mel - that need to be recognised for every small gesture - the self-importance - it just makes no sense to me! obviously the situation with a still born would, in my eyes, negate any requirement for recognition of flowers - that's just petty!
i would love to be able to keep the Gremlin from all of DH's family (and a lot of mine to be honest) - they're just selfish inconsiderate prats. unfortunately, when you grow up in a small town (less than 6000 people) move to an even smaller town (less than 1000), and both you and your DH have grown up locally, it's to be expected that the bulk of your extended family is local as well - and as such, unless we travel to Melbourne to do the grocery shopping, we're bound to run into them when out and about.
DH's sister will make a big song and dance about being excluded from the new family members life - when DH's brother passed 10 days after our engagement, she turned up after not acknowledging DH or his brother for 6 years - and gave us an engagement present. weird woman! DH has made his intentions clear - if anything arrives for the Gremlin from anyone other than his god-daughters (he still loves them dearly) it will be returned unopened. we've had several years of either being ignored or treated like crap - that won't change simply because we have a baby.
i love so much that my man is someone of such integrity - even though i know how much it pains him to essentially have no family, he stands up for himself and refuses to take their crap. plus, as he said, marrying me he got the best of both worlds - the wife he wanted, and a brother he is very close to (and a SIL we're both fantastic friends with!)
what an awful situation you have.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks