Did you tell people you were expecting an IVF / FET baby?

[me4ever]

Just wondering if your friends and family knew you were expecting a baby conceived with IVF/ FET.
My close friends and some family knew we were doing IVF / FET. But the rest doesn't. I kinda want to let people know that this baby is extra special to us as we had to wait for this pregnancy for more than 3 years. Also that we had to endure 2 miscarriages, 1 at 11 weeks and 1 at 4 weeks 4 days.
But at the same time I want people to think that this baby was conceived naturally as I'm not really ready to admit we're not like other couples that conceive naturally. Especially since our reason was unexplained infertility.
How did you girls deal with this?

[minniemouse]

I have been telling if people ask questions, because I'm 39 and my kids are 7 and 5 I have had a lot of people ask was it a surprise when I tell them I'm pregnant, after everything we have been through I don't want people thinking it was unplanned or unwanted and saying actually we were doing ivf makes its pretty clear it was both planned and wanted ! That's my thinking anyway :-)

It hasn't occurred to me not to say it out of shame that we couldn't conceive like most people (well we can conceive but have had multiple miscarriages caused probably by chromosomal problems), you certainly aren't the first person who has needed some help to conceive

[Santosha]

The lady down the road said to me of her baby daughter recently that she was 'long awaited and highly cherished' or something of the sort and it was enough to give me the sense that they had been through a long road to get their beautiful girl, and that she may be their one and only blessing. It communicated 'enough' without her having to disclose details of infertility or losses... perhaps this is the middle ground?

[tippytoes]

Go with your gut feeling. I was always pretty proud that my babies were Icsi pixies.... Defintely agree with santosha, that example is a nice middle ground if your not comfortable going into details etc Goodluck and big congratulations on your pregnancy!! X

[Andie78]

All my friends & family know that this baby is through Ivf, I got used to being open with our fertility issues after nearly 6 yrs of ttc. But even when I'm out (like shopping/cafes) and people ask me about my pregnancy (like if it was planned) I always reply 'very much so', and usually a conversation about Ivf follows. I'm proud that me & my dh have endured so many years of ttc, m/c's, fertility treatments & have come out the other side with not only a baby, but with our relationship still as strong as it was. We are unexplained too. ; )

I get that others are more private though and that they may just want to enjoy their pregnancy in the 'normal' way. And if you're not ready to share (now or ever), then you don't have to.

It would be nice to conceive naturally (and so much cheaper!), but I feel the end result is more important than how you get there. Congrats again. Xx

[Andie78]

I like santosha's suggestion too. : )

[Saffy]

yeah I always do, its pretty common now but it doens't stop everyone saying 'when are you having another one' 2 seconds after you push this one out lol

[Lenny]

My DH told everyone. I only did in response to questioning or prying etc. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed, I think it's good for people to know how many of us struggle. BUt i didn't always want to be talking about it. I wanted to just be pregnant or just have a newborn without going in to details of the conception.

Most people were genuinely interested and kind. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many people care and are just that little bit extra happy for you.

[~TT40~]

my family and bestie knew, as they were my irl support.
I never bought it up, no one ever asked when I was pg or when she was born. probably because I am so young.
but now talk of ttc number 2 is happening and we are getting the ball rolling with it I tell people. as alot question why we are ttc again so soon and I just saw it took years to get Spock and had to do ivf so we are trying asap in prep that it might take years again andi will regret not starting asap.

[*beannaithe*]

I am pretty proud of the fact that we had to go through so much to get our little girls and I don't care who knows it. But it does kind of grate on me when people ask if our twins are natural. WTF kind of question is that

[vic261]

All my family and friends know this ones an IVF bub. When people in the street congratulate me I tell them we are thrilled and it was a long time in the making. If they go on with the conversation I usually say its IVF and lucky number 7th transfer. Everyone has been so supportive and then goes on to tell about someone they know that had trouble. DH also says its an IVFer.

Everyone is already asking me about number 2 and I say at 42 and after 8 cycles of IVF there will be no number 2. And then they go on to say maybe I will fall pg naturally. Yeah. Ok. Sure.

I guess its what ever you feel comfortable with

[Pholi]

At the start of my pg I didn't - I kind of felt embarrassed, I guess. But as I slowly started to mention it, generally when someone else said they're having trouble, or they've been trying for a while, I found it easier and easier to tell people. Now I feel that it's important to mention it, because it shouldn't be a taboo subject, and so I feel like it's almost a responsibility to not shy away from mentioning if it's appropriate. I usually say now, 'Well, we needed a bit of help to get this one, so... (we're not sure when the next one will be, or so I can recommend a good FS if you're interested, or so you can feel comfortable telling me more of your story, or whatever.)

[Saffy]

Because i have worked in a private maternity hospital for years I know how many babies are ivf, so to me its just fairly common. I totally agree it shouldn't be taboo anymore, the more we talk about it the more understanding there will be

[LizLemon]

Funnily, when we were TTC I didn't mind telling some people that we were doing IVF. Now that my children are here I am very protective of them and their privacy. I so often read of people saying that IVF is "messing with nature", "unnatural" etc which I find incredibly hurtful and I don't ever want that sort of judgement to be levelled at my kids. While I wouldn't expect that people would ever say anything to my/their face, I never know deep down what people think.

I don't even know if we will tell the kids down the track if that's how they were conceived, so I don't think it's right to tell everyone something about them that is their personal history.

I guess also I feel like I just want to be a normal family, I want to put all that trauma (it was very hard on us) of conceiving in that way and pretend that we were able to conceive our babies in the throes of passion rather than the circumstances that it was.

They are my reasons for not, but that is because I associate such awful stress and memories to the process. If you do not, and feel a huge sense of pride over what you went through to get your child, then I think that is fantastic and by all means shout it out

[MLR1901]

Me4ever, altgought I really haven't had the journey you have, we still had a journey to get to where we are.
IVF or natural it shouldn't matter what you tell people, but when people have known about our journey it's helped others close to us ask and get answers too. We have 2 couples close to us that have endured a painful journey so far. But it's bought us all closer being able to share experiences and although I am pregnant (38 weeks) they aren't bitter or any thing similar because I've shared my journey with these amazing couples.
I think what I'm trying to say is, please don't be afraid or ashamed to say bubs is an IVF miracle.

[~TT40~]

All of my family and friends know that Quinn is an IVF bub. When people ask about him I usually just say that he took a lot of time, money and tears to get and that we are over the moon to have him here. Generally that gives them the hint that he is IVF. We have male factor infertility and the amount of people that have said (including our ob d!ck!) "oh you watch now that you've had one, you'll fall pregnant naturally". UHHHHHHH NO!!!!!

lol. they make it out that it's the worst thing in the world! Pretty sure falling pg naturally is the best thing that could ever happen

[dusty]

But at the same time I want people to think that this baby was conceived naturally as I'm not really ready to admit we're not like other couples that conceive naturally. Especially since our reason was unexplained infertility.
How did you girls deal with this?

I can understand your hesitation but perhaps you could look at your conception differently? Even with assisted conception you still have to conceive naturally - your body has done an amazing thing in implanting, accepting and growing your embryo. Giving it the best possible chance your body still has to do all the work naturally someone once asked me if I feel my baby (DD) was mine as she was conceived via the assistance of an egg donor and IVF. I answered that while I was given one cell, and it fertlised in a lab, I grew my child from that 4 cell embryo, all by myself and continued to grow her after birth with breast feeding and love. No matter what assistance I was given she was the most naturally conceived and grown baby there is. I encourage you to embrace your child's origins and celebrate the fact that you are having a baby the best way you could. As to who needs to know that is completely up to you. My daughter is the one who proudly tells anyone that is interested that 'my mummy and daddy got married and wanted to have a baby but they couldn't so my Aunty Em gave them an egg so they could have a baby and they had me!!!'
Congratulations!!!

[me4ever]

Thanks for the congrats! We're so excited, but still cautious as well. Don't think we can relax till bub is safely in our arms and alive and well.
Thanks so much girls for your honest and open responses. Bringing this up has been quite good, as it's a subject that's been on my mind a lot recently. I told my husband that I was putting this post on and we had a long conversation about telling people or not. I think there's lots of reasons keeping me from telling people. I think the reason I was asking is deeper than just being ashamed of having conceived via IVF.
One of the big ones is that I told my temporary boss last year when I was pregnant and was having loads of medical appointments and made the mistake of trusting her and telling her it was conceived through IVF. She doesn't have kids of her own and did not understand at all. This year she's my boss and when I told her we were pregnant she asked if it was through IVF. Even though I didn't have to reply I still did and said yes. I found out last year after I told her all this that she shares stories and tells other people what hardship certain people have gone through, sometimes going into details. I don't think it's up to other people to decide to share our story. It also makes me feel uncomfortable as I don't know if and who she's told. One of my other colleagues started a story about a friend of hers who did IVF and while she was talking she was staring at my bump. Then I'm thinking, has my boss told her???
Another thing is that my parents are very strict Christian, when I was living at home they were against a lot of things going on in the modern world. One was getting married after divorce, which I did last year, but in the last few years they've eased up on that and they were happy to attend my wedding. I'm sure they used to be against IVF or other intervention to do with babies. So more or less said if you can't conceive, don't go against nature. They don't know that we conceived this way, and I don't know if we should ever tell them. I'm just worried for their response and worried they might love our little one less?!

Just wanted to say - Dusty - love the way you see the whole pregnancy. Thanks for sharing as well!
And MLR - Can't believe you're 38 weeks pregnant already! I think we were in the miscarriage group together for a while almost a year ago?!

Oh yeah, forgot to add one more thing... Sometimes I think why is it so important to share. When one conceives naturally you're not going to ask / tell when it was conceived, how and in what position it was conceived etc??? I feel sharing about IVF is about just as intimate.