prefered pain relief and birth plans

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Talk it through, talk it through, talk it through! Not just education. Bore yourself to tears with it, along with your support people. That way you don't have to think, you know it by heart, it's going to happen.

Pick your support people carefully. If they put their wants over your needs (DH wanted a hospital birth and no doula, I needed a homebirth with MAYBE a doula and midwife but ideally no-one) then they'll do it during the birth. I ended up in hospital, no support and with about fifty thousand people surrounding me - see the "first world birth" from Monty Python's Meaning of Life - I am a Yorkshire lass so was planning on the "third world birth" from aforementioned film.

Reading doesn't help if you have bullies and no support when you give birth. Sadly, that's what midwives and Obs are in my experience - non-supportive bullies.

My preferred pain relief was being left alone or being supported. While that happened I had no pain (29 hours of 33, DS was half-way down at that point). And that's with a posterior baby; he was back-out before I went into the hospital (2 hours after labour started, 33 hour labour) and they started making their demands.

[Tobily]

Reading doesn't help if you have bullies and no support when you give birth.

This is true. But understanding the influence that your support people will have, and how their feelings about birth will affect their ability to support you, is something that you will glean from getting your information from good sources. It all comes back to that fundamental issue of taking responsibility yourself for knowing what you need to know.

It's a very intricate picture and unfortunately most women only have nine short months to put it together - so you have to be choosy about where you get your info. Question everything, and start from one very basic premise: this is your body, and your baby. No one can do anything to you, or your baby without your consent. Inform yourself (and your support people) so that you are the one in control...even when things don't go how you thought they would.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Hun, you can know all there is to know. You can understand influences. You can be as frickin responsible as that stupid husband isn't - but if he says that we WILL NOT ever meet with a doula for a chat and he will turn one away at the birth then you don't really have a chance of having that support, now do you?

Just being educated isn't the answer. Getting decent support and sending your DH away for a week when you go into labour may be. And ignore him if he promises to respect your wishes just to get in on the birth if you know deep down that he won't because your gut is usually less of a liar than a man.

[Tobily]

Hun, you can know all there is to know. You can understand influences. You can be as frickin responsible as that stupid husband isn't - but if he says that we WILL NOT ever meet with a doula for a chat and he will turn one away at the birth then you don't really have a chance of having that support, now do you?

Just being educated isn't the answer. Getting decent support and sending your DH away for a week when you go into labour may be. And ignore him if he promises to respect your wishes just to get in on the birth if you know deep down that he won't because your gut is usually less of a liar than a man.

Hey, I'm a doula - I understand how important good support is. That's my job

I guess what I'm saying is that a woman who truly "gets" that as well, before she goes into labour, can make decisions about her support people that are going to be beneficial to her and her goals. And again, that comes down to understanding the value of good support before labour starts. That's education...fundamentally. Education about what sort of support you are going to need helps you to recognise that your hubby is going to be useless as a support person and to make other plans. Unfortunately alot of us don't get to do that with our first babies because we don't have a clue what we (or our partners) are going to be up against or what labour is going to be like. That's why it's really important that we share our experiences because there's always someone reading this that is learning something

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

You can know your husband is useless but if he has you backed against a wall and not allowing other support, what do you do exactly? No matter what birth number it is? I know full well what to expect and nothing that happened surprised me, just saddened and traumatised.

I KNEW I couldn't rely on my husband, but what choice was left for me? Other than not letting him be at the birth? Which I was strongly considering and he knew that, which is why he took so much time off work pre-birth just so I couldn't!

Please, let me know where I went wrong. Not to be confrontational, I really want other women to be able to learn from my experience. And to help myself more next time (DH isn't even going to know I'm pregnant, let alone in labour! I'm having a freebirth because I'm not having ANYONE tell me what to do, no Obs, no midwife, no doula... no-one. I can't trust anyone).

[thepixie]

DH isn't even going to know I'm pregnant, let alone in labour!

RF - don't you think he will notice?
krizti - I didn't have a birth plan as such, but as far as pain relief, I had a sort of tiered approach - I thought that I would go as far as I could without any pain relief, then when I couldn't handle it anymore I would have gas, get as far as I could with gas, then move on to pethidine and as a last resort an epidural. As it turned out I got through with just gas so I was very happy with that.
It's also important to choose providers you feel you can trust or a hospital environment you feel comfortable with, that way you can work through your birth plans and preferences with them and know they will support you.
Personally I had an OB, and although I thought he was a bit of a smug git at times, and I don't know that I would use one next time, when it came to the crunch he did the job very well. As far as the midwife in the hospital of course I hated her at times during the delivery but when I saw her on the ward the next day we gave each other a big hug - we had been through something amazing together.
Good luck and hope it turns out well for you.
ETA - Oh and a good labour support person is absolutely crucial. My DH the Bear was the most awesome labour partner and was integral to me being able to have the birth I wanted.