Pressure to Have the "Perfect Birth"

[Sophiebear]

i everyone,

I am just wondering if other women are feeling more pressure to have, for want of a better word, ?perfect births?, i.e. births that are drug free, with little to no medical intervention. By way of example, when I tell some friends/acquaintances that I?m quite happy to have an epidural if I need it, they look at me in horror.

I have also noticed that there seems to be an increase in the number of people who seem to think that medical professionals have 'hidden agendas'. When I told another acquaintance the other day that the best feeling about having my own OB this time around was that I could let him do the worrying for me, I got a lecture on how birth is an empowering experience for women and that I was letting the OB take this away from me!!

Sorry for the vent, I am just curious as to whether or not other women feel this way.

[JordieC]

I am TOTALLY WITH YOU on this one!! I trusted my OB cause that's what he is trained to do - and the midwives. I had only one request - that DH got to the cut the cord. The rest I left up to them. Of course I said I would prefer not to have a CS or drugs but if I had to I would - anything to ensure a healthy baby and mum! I had an epidural and was VERY glad I did!! Everyone has diff pain and reacts diff in labour so do what is right for you.

A friend did say I didn't have a natural birth cause I had the epi but i didn't listen to her!! I was lucky - the birth of my DD went well and so I have nothing to complain about so I do understand that some women want to have more control because they have had bad experiences but do what YOU want!!

To me a "perfect birth" is one where you and your baby are healthy!! Though I have had friends who have had that but still felt crap after the birth but sometimes you can't help things. My daughter had to have the vontouse which we didn't mind but some people don't want anything like that so it is individual.

Anyway - after all that rambling - do what you want and enjoy _ well as much as you can!!

[monnie]

I would have loved to have the most natural birth...but it just didn't happen that way.

I ended up with an elective c/s (I think planned c/s is a better word...I didn't "elect" to have the c/s).

I do feel sad that I didn't have the birth I wanted...but what overshadows that sadness is the fact that I have the a wonderful, healthy baby boy who is loved dearly.

After waiting for him for 3 years and dealing with the heart wrenching aching pain of infertility, the constant BFNs, the fear, the grief, the anger...the fact that we had a baby, is all that matters to me. For me, LTTTC puts a whole new perspective on what it means to bring a baby into the world.

I do think birth is empowering...but I think the empowerment is in the fact that DH and I produced a little person, I grew our little wonder inside of me and then brought him into the world...and have continued to give him nurturance, security and love...and will so for the rest of my life.

I think, when it comes down to it, you need to do what is right for you.

Trust yourself, trust the choices you make... It's hard not to be affected by the opinions and feelings of others...but ultimately, they don't live in your shoes.

There's pressure in every part of life...what sort of birth you'll have, what sort of parenting you'll do, what sort of food you eat, what sort of clothes you wear, how much you weigh, where you send your kids to school, etc. etc. etc. The list is endless.

I think the key is how you react to the pressure, rather than if it's there or not.

Believe in yourself...(now...if I just did that myself!!!)

Take care!

[butterfly*kisses]

Hi Sophie,

I agree whole-heartedly! I find these natural birth bullies very enraging! There are some really lovely people out there that really promote the importance of a natural birth - and they are just lovely, kind and importantly open-minded people. BUT there are others out there.........

Personally I had 3 C-Sections due to medical reasons, but I was subjected to loads of comments like

"You must be so disappointed"
"Oh - you took the easy way out"
"You didn't have a real birth"

and it goes on!

Personally, I support choice - and understand that there are risks with just about everything - including natural birth!

I have a dear friend that had a C-Sect 1st time, and was determined for a VBAC second time - and she got caught up with much of the movement that belittles women who don't birth naturally and drug free. Good for her, she had a VBAC, but I really resented her pressing her taglines on me.

Those of us who have medical intervention (by choice or by emergency) don't slap the natural birthers around with our taglines - so why do they do it to us ?

I feel for you, and this is personally one of my most empassioned topics (sorry for the rant!).....there are those of us out there who support your choices - but unfortunately we are not always the most vocal.

xx

[MantaRay]

Sohpie, I am sorry that you feel pressure. If you are ok with an epidural then that is no-one else's business. But I think that people who have "been through the system" do start to realise that sometimes decisions are made for the wrong reasons, or without mums' having all the information. So probably people who are commenting only have your best interests at heart.

My personal experience is that I wasn't informed enough at my first birth and ended up with an epidural which I know now started a chain of events which led to foetal distress, forceps, episiotomy and a lot of pain for weeks after birth (oh, and recurring haemorrhoids). Now having birthed without an epidural (my second birth), I know how much better you feel afterwards for not having had it and I wouldn't have one again.

But that is my experience and I am sharing it with you in the hope that you can understand why others might advise you against it. I totally respect any woman's right to the birth of their choice. If you know what you want, go for it and don't worry about any one else. I think the most important thing (after a healthy mum and bub) is that you are able to birth the way YOU want to. That is the most empowering and satisfying feeling.

[Astrid]

I think you will find that if you wanted the "perfect birth" that you would also have people questioning you about it. I had an emergency c-section last time and am hoping for a VBAC this time. Believe me, I am really coping it, as people seem to think I should be going for the elective c-section rather than attempting labour again. Why they have such an issue with it I don't know. I think some people will question no matter what you decide to do, it would be nice if some of them would butt out.

[myboysmumma]

It amazes me how other people think your birthing experiences are their business! I think each individual will choose the birth that is right for them, if possible.

A lot of ppl (in my experience) that believe in totally natural, home birthing etc feel it is up to them to 'enligten' you on what you did wrong and what the 'right' way is. Please don't be offended, lovely home birth ladies - I believe in your right to choose the birthing that's right for you too! And I don't mean all are like this, it has just been my personal experience in recent weeks.

I had a vaginal birth and was given a lot of "oh good girl" type comments which I found hilarious. Birthing is an individual thing, and these days we have choices like drugs, inductions, c-sections etc. Women should not pressure each other in this regard IMHO.

I felt extremely pressured not to have an epi and to have a natural birth by OB and midwives too, I regretted not having more pain relief later.

[Tobily]

Because of what I do I tend to meet alot of the mums you're talking about when they're having their second/subsequent babies. They feel instinctively (and after much research, debriefing and talking to others, just know ) that what happened in their first birth was largely avoidable or unnecessary. So they seek to have an entirely different experience next time. These are, I guess, the women who you feel are pressuring you to have a "perfect birth".

I know my own feelings about medical intervention and taking responsibility for my own care have changed considerably over time as well. Before my first birth I was quite cavalier about it, trusted what I was told, did what I was told. After it I was still pretty unfazed because that birth went ok. It wasn't until my next birth - which was traumatic and disempowering, and which impacted on my whole life for a while afterwards until I worked through it - that I was motivated to understand how and why it was all so bloody hard. And many other women have the same story.

I don't believe that the medical profession has a hidden agenda - not in a blanket sense. But I know, and see all the time, information is being witheld from women for a variety of reasons. Most of them not malicious, or deliberately deceptive, but that doesn't help the woman who is in the dark. And I also know that hospital policy is not written with only the needs of a woman and her baby in mind. Hospitals are large institutions - they are there to serve the needs of large numbers of people with a variety of problems. This aim has to be achieved in a way that delivers the service, but that also protects the interests of the institution and those that work in it. So decisions and policies are not always about you and your baby alone, or about evidence based health practices. They can't be, because from their perspective there are other considerations - legalities, liability, staff training and budgets to name just a few. You are the best person to decide what is best for you and your baby - because you are the one that cares the most, and you are the one whose life is affected if you end up not happy with your birth.

Final point - giving birth - no matter how we do it, has a profound impact on our perception of ourselves, and our experience of motherhood. This is probably the most important reason of all to take responsibility for your care - because the best gift you can give your baby is a physically and emotionally healthy mother. Women who have experienced traumatic births understand this in the most palpable way....hence the reason they are so bent on avoiding it again, and on trying to help others avoid it as well. Sadly there is little, if any appreciation in society for how devastating a traumatic birth can be for us, and for our families as a whole

I realise this rant is exactly what you are objecting to in your post - but others are reading this as well and hopefully it gives someone a different perspective, or something else to think about.

[Lulu]

Actually I had the oppposite. All I heard was "take the drugs", I ignored it and aimed for MY perfect birth.

It depends on your perception doesn't it? However this is a gentle birth/parenting forum.....

[myboysmumma]

Actually my natural birth was very traumatic I feel because my choices were limited, but the other way round - pressured to go natural all the way. I suffered some medical issues after, thank goodness all sorted now.

I agree that when women are disempowered either way it makes you want a difference experience/to be more empowered this time.

the power of choice makes a very big difference IMHO.

[sushee]

Tobily I didn't read your post as a rant at all, in fact it was incredibly articulate and very well reasoned. Loved it.

ETA wanted to add my experience too, that with all my vaginal births, it was those that had increased medical intervention, eg induction, pain relief etc that were my least satisfying births, with Charlie's being the least satisfying (epidural, induction due to fetal distress). My near drug free birth to my DS2 still is the one I feel most emotionally about, because I felt like a lioness after, strong and capable of anything.

In fact at Charlie's birth, they were talking epi the minute I walked in the door. So definitely no push for natural birth there.

[suse]

As long as women get to make informed decisions about any interventions and the pros and cons of each available option, and are treated with respect by medical professionals, then it doesn't matter what they choose. And really, it is nobody else's business.

In my own experience, I aimed for a waterbirth and ended up with an emergency c/s due to a narrow pelvis. I was happy with my birth because a) all attempts were made to allow me to have the birth that I wanted, b) I was treated with respect and included in every aspect of the decision making process, and c) ultimately, my birth would not have happened any other way. Having said that, recovering from a c/s where I lost a lot of blood as well as from a 30 hour labour took its toll, and meant that getting to know my baby and establish feeding was more difficult than what it otherwise might have been if I had been able to have a birth with no intervention.

Do what feels right for you and don't worry about what others have to say!

[myboysmumma]

I agree, Suse, great post.

[Pandora]

I didnt feel any pressure to have 'the perfect birth'. It happened that that was the sort of birth I wanted, and TBH I did find some resistance to achieving it rather than the other way around.

I do think pregnancy and birth can be empowering experiences for women - I dont think the type of birth necessarily takes away from that either - empowerment comes from having the knowledge to make your own choice, and to know you are doing the right thing for you. I think its less about the choice you make and more about the fact theat you're making the choice.

If anything, I see upward pressure on the medical profession to provide women with accurate information so that they are able to empower themselves to make their own choices, and I think thats really important.

[Snacks]

I agree with Rayray - the 'perfect birth' is what you choose it to be.
Having said that, I love talking about drug-free vaginal birth because I think for too long we have placed a negative emphasis on birth (ie its the worst pain you'll ever feel, it ruins your privates, etc etc) that personally really worried me at the start of my pregnancy. Women should know that birth isn't something they need to dread or be anxious about.
But I would never tell anyone that they have made the wrong choice if they choose intervention. As long as it is their choice, and not someone elses.

[~Raven~]

Actually I had the oppposite. All I heard was "take the drugs", I ignored it and aimed for MY perfect birth.

Me too!

Not only from my BTDT friends at the time but even when we arrived at the hospital and I was breathing through a contraction just outside the door, I met a mum checking out and she laughed and said get an epidural now

[Schmickers]

I second what Tobily said.

I agree that it is important to keep an open mind. Caesareans save the lives of mothers and babies, there is no doubt about that. But you may find that those who do put pressure on you to have the "perfect birth", or even just a natural birth, are coming from a background of their own traumas and difficulties, and may simply want to save you from similar heartache.

We also live during a time where many ideas that have for several generations been held as "truths" by the obstetric profession, are starting to be questioned. Caesarean rates of 30% just do not add up in a species robust enough to take over the planet like we have! Research is coming out now that shows that babies that are born via caesarean are much more likely to die during the early days of life than babies who are not. As a result, as far as giving birth is concerned, we live in "interesting times".

Please, let me clarify, that as I said above, caesareans save the lives of women and babies. But this is only when they are used for appropriate medical reasons. The risks inherent in a caesarean birth are becoming more well known and it is important that before you make the decision to have a C/S, even in an emergency, that those risks are weighed up against the risk of continuing to have a natural birth.

The other reason that many midwives, doulas, and obstetricians are now encouraging women to do all within their power to aim for a natural birth is that there is a well-recognised phenomenon known as the cascade of intervention. It means that even small interventions at the start of the pregnancy or birth process can snowball into more and more serious interventions, as the complications of one set off the need for the next, eventually ending in a caesarean which could have been prevented if the initial, minor interventions had not taken place.

Do I believe that the obstetricians of the world are somehow complicit in promoting this state of affairs? No, I don't. what I do believe, is that they really shouldn't have much input into a normal pregnancy and birth in the first place. It's not what they are trained to do. OBs are trained to intervene surgically in an abnormal pregnancy or birth. Even the best OB has that background - in abnormal pregnancies and births - to fall back on. And so they favour intervention, because that is what they are trained to do.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail!

In reality, midwives, who are recognised worldwide as being the experts in managing a normal pregnancy and birth, are the most appropriate people to manage a normal pregnancy or birth.

So you may find the reason so many people harp on about this whole natural birth thing is that the benefits of it are only now becoming well known. We have been brought up for generations to believe that birth is dangerous, that it is painful, and that the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to get an OB and go to hospital, when research is showing that the opposite of each of those statements is true. And because women (and *ahem* men) in the developed world don't necessarily know that, those of us that do are really keen to try and spread the world - for your sake, and for your baby's.

So, try to cut us some slack. We're not criticising the choices you make - honestly, we're not. We just believe that you have the right to make those choices after being informed, and we believe that many obstetricians may not adequately inform you, because they have a basic lack of understanding of normal pregancy and birth, because it's not their job.

Hope this clarifies.

the best feeling about having my own OB this time around was that I could let him do the worrying for me, I got a lecture on how birth is an empowering experience for women and that I was letting the OB take this away from me!!

I don't think the idea of being empowered is that you have to worry about birth. I think that it is that you have the opportunity to trust in yourself and not worry. But in support of you, the best thing about having an independent midwife was that we could let her do the worrying for us, so I understand exactly where you are coming from. I just hope he doesn't turn all of your problems into nails...

[BamBam]

Actually I had the oppposite. All I heard was "take the drugs", I ignored it and aimed for MY perfect birth.

I agree with this, and I agree with the PP who said she felt like a lioness after the her child's birth.