Pressure to Have the "Perfect Birth"

[Lulu]

Maya, I think your words can inspire others to search for what they need, and give them the confidence to question what they want and CAN achieve. Militant? Maybe, but your passion inspires too.

Scooby, if you had previously posted and only given a part of the information, you can't help someone wondering if you had been given all your options.

Steffi, you have to interview doulas like you did your OB. The doula you spoke to may have been better suited to someone who was looking for a homebirth (and maybe listened to what you wanted ). I hear some can get a bit militant themselves, but my experience has been freakin awesome and the doulas around BB just cant be beat.

[scooby]

At work so trying to have quick peek in here just wanted to say to hoobley and Lulu i was actually talking in reference to another website CS support Not BB my post was rather scanty in there (but not the other site) and i found what you said hoobley to be unbaised you gave the facts and supported my desicion, please know it wasnt BB and i should have said that in my post. Sorry

[meow]

In reference to the OP again... I just remembered a dinner we were at recently where my H and I were laughing about some of the gory bits of our son's birth (like the mooshed up head) and one of the other ladies said "Well I'm going to have a c-section" in a tone that made me feel she implying I had been irresponsible to my baby's health and a little uncouth to have had a natural birth. So I think it really depends who you talk to about what sort of pressure you may feel. I tried to say that a natural birth was still preferable to a c-sect but no, her friend's had had c-sects and all recovered beautifully.

[Trillian]

Sadly Ren that's how some women will always see surgical birth - as a more attractive option to a vaginal birth - until something does go wrong (and it will) to either themselves or their friends.

[thepixie]

I think its great for people to share their opinions, experiences, research etc. I think what the OP was trying to get at (and I have seen this too, not here on BB but other places on the web) was the implication (sometimes spoken, sometimes silent) that if you choose something different you are somehow less of a mother or less of a woman. I think that is where the bullying part comes in.
Birth is an intensely personal experience and no-one should presume to dictate to someone else how they should have/ should do it. We are very fortunate to have choices and information that can help us make decisions about how we want to give birth. To a degree we will always be flying blind coming into our own first birth experience - no matter what others tell us, how many books we read etc - we just don't know.
Birth is a natural process but things can go wrong. Interventions can be necessary and life-saving. They can also be designed for the convenience of doctors or the legal butt-covering of hospitals. The really hard part is that while you are in labour an intervention that is for convenience or butt-covering might be pushed on you as being life-saving and necessary. And in the midst of the experience, you don't want to take a chance on something happening to your baby. That's why we need to research, share information, support and encourage each other. What we don't need to do is play my birth was better than your birth and therefore I'm a better woman and a better mother than you. Like I said, this is not an attitude I've seen on BB but it's definitely out there.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Wow, women do this? I've only ever been told my birth was better than that person's (as in, the person making the comparison between her and I has said mine was 'better', I don't do comparisons at someone else's expense, as far as I can help it), I've not thought of telling people that myself, and won't be!

[Floweryfields]

I agree - and it doesn't stop at birthing, it continues forever really with the opinions about feeding options, stay at home or daycare, which daycare or kindy, which school. Why do women feel they have the right to judge what others choose?

[Taurean]

I agree that there does seem to be a lot of pressure to have the so called 'perfect birth' which is never going to be the perfect birth for everyone. We're all individuals with very different ideas of what the 'perfect birth' is AND we don't know what is going to happen on the day our little ones choose to make their entrance into the world. There can be complications, the labour can be faster than expected (there may not be time for drugs), bubs may be overdue so an induction may be necessary, your pain threshold may be much higher than you ever expected or much lower. You may not have slept properly for a week therefore go into the labour exhausted from the beginning. There are so many factors that could change any of our plans for the perfect birth and we can only plan for so much.

I've found I'm actually experiencing the opposite sort of pressure though - I want to try to deliver naturally but so many friends think I'm a freak for wanting to do so! I've had several friends question why I would want do to that (hell, why not?!) or worse, they tell me that I won't be able to deal with the pain and deliver drug free. I get a lot of 'ah, it's your first baby so you have no idea what to expect and trust me, you won't be able to handle it'. Why, cause they didn't? Am I a carbon copy of them? I do appreciate their advice and stories but I hate being told that 'I can't do it' before I even had a chance to try.

I have nothing against the drugs at all and hey, I may just need them or other forms of intervention but my inital plan is to have faith in my body and just let it do what it was born to do. Why am I trying to be a 'hero' for feeling that way (yes, the word 'hero' has been used)? I have no doubt it will be painful and I don't know that I will be able to handle the pain and I cannot predict what the birth will be like but I CAN make the call now to just TRY and go natural.

I'm really appreciating the information and support I've received from those mums who have experienced both types of births so I've chosen to really listen to their stories from now on.

[Snacks]

Sorry for your experience, Natty. It sounds scary, and I can understand how you would take comfort in the knowledge that you and your baby are safe. I'm sorry for being judgemental.
Another general thought: I'm wondering if some of the 'pressure' that the OP and obviously so many others are experiencing to have the 'perfect birth' could be because the people applying the 'pressure' have had a bad experience the first time round and are keen to let people know that it doesn't have to be that way. For some, there may be no preventing the need for specialised medical help. That is for sure. But we can learn, through research and through talking to people who've BTDT, some positive steps to try to prevent bad stuff from happening. Its sad that this information can be seen as bullying (and sure, I've no doubt that in some cases it is, even though that's not in my experience).
Here's another choice - you can feel pressured or bullied by others opinions about birth, or you can feel grounded in your own decisions. Personally, the only way I feel grounded in my decisions is if I've explored all the avenues. Having people say to me at the start of my pregnancy that it is 'the worst pain you'll ever experience', or proclaiming the glories of drugs and how I'd be stupid to attempt birth without them, yes, made me cross, but only grounded me in my decision to give it a go. And not only that, but inspired me to set up a strong support network around me, not unlike what Kelly spoke about in a PP (ie the cheersquad).
I'm not sure how many people out there actually don't want to give 'natural' birth a shot. I think most people see that as being desirable (? Or maybe this is only the people I speak to?) But few people actually do research on how to get it, or set up the support they'll need for it to actually happen. Hmm, does that sound like an acurate statement? Perhaps I'm way overgeneralising, but that's how it seems to me.
On a personal note, if it hadn't been for people 'pushing' information on me and encouraging me to look into it, I believe my birth would've been a very different experience to what it was. And it was pretty bloody excellent, I must say. Part of that was luck, and part of it was great support. So my opinion is kind of biased here, because I'm so grateful to those 'pushy' people for providing me with the info I needed to feel grounded in my decisions.

[Cassius2]

I thought that Kelly made a good point about the film BOBB. It is great viewing. I know that I came out of that film feeling proud of the job I did. And, I did it all 'wrong', private hospital and private OB! LOL!

The BOBB was a beautiful way to demonstrate the intensity in which we birth our babies, and it doesn't matter if we do it at home, hospital or in the back of a taxi. we should be so proud ourselves. And i love choice! I love the fact that I can choose to birth at home, in a hospital or in a birth centre. I rejoice in the fact that as women we are so awesomely primal beings with untouchable strength to get through birth, be it vaginal or c/s.

What I loved from the BOBB doco the most was the highlighting that we have REAL choices, and in no way are we endangering or sacrificing ourselves or our safety. the fact that the filmmaker tried to birth at home but ended up at hospy as bubs was not in a good way, was beautiful in demonstrating our luckiness in having the right to birth freely, and also our luckiness in having a modern medical system that can save our babies in times of need. THIS gives us real choice.

I guess i agree with most on here that the importance lies in knowing what we want, what we DO NOT want and how best to get there. but as we know the best laid plans of mice and men (especially as babies are concerned! LOL!)...

i wish loads of good luck to all those soon-to-be birthing mummma's out there, you're all champions in my book!