My situation was a bit different in that DH and I were already married, but we'd only been married about 6 weeks when I fell pg. We'd already discussed babies and DH wanted to wait at least a year and I didn't and it caused a bit of tension that we couldn't resolve it. SO when I realised I might be pg, he was going along with things but I think he thought that I wasn't and he was being OK with it because he thought that it wasn't something he had to deal with for real ITMS. When it turned out that I was pg and I told him, he just turned so cold towards me and it was like he blamed me for deliberately getting pg, even though I hadn't. The reaction I got to telling him that I was pg was 'no you're not'. We didn't speak for close to a week, then things were really strained for another few months. We didnt' even have sex it was that bad. It was the hardest period of our relationship and I was devastated because it should have been so much different to what it was kwim? He never came to a single appointment with me during the pg and basically didn't even want to know about it - didn't care when I started buying things and hated talking about it with other people if it came up in conversation. I felt so ripped off that I didn't get that happy experience of a partner who was involved in it all. BUT when I was about 7-8 months pg he did start to warm to the idea and talking about names. In reflection, I think his reaction was because he just didn't feel ready to become a parent yet so he was freaking out about it all and just couldn't tell me. When the time came and I went into labour, I couldn't have asked for a more supportive or attentive husband and he came through for me when I needed him to the most. It still took a while for him to get used to being a Dad, but eventually he realised it was fine. Things were much better the second time round when we decided to have our second bub and he was much more involved in it all. Clearly it turned out OK for us because we have 4 kids and will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year.
I completely understand how your sister feels right now, and even though I was never ever pressured to seek a termination or threatened that he would leave. The emotional disconnection was the same though I think that this is just a knee-jerk reaction from him, because after all, if it was truly a religion/cultural thing, then he wouldn't have been having a sexual relationship before marriage nor would he be advocating for a termination. I think she just needs to give him time as the poor bugger is probably freaking out about how to tell his parents, especially if they aren't keen on them even being together. I hope it all works out for the best for her
DH and i fell pregnant with DS1 just after 12months of marriage (8 years together i think). He was planned.
DS2 was planned.
After DS2 we started discussing if we were going to have anymore children. DH said he was happy and content with our boys and i know a lot of it was being so greatful for the happy healthy children we had. Recent family tragedy definately made us look at what we had and be extremely greatful. At the time i felt i couldn't argue with that, my boys made me so overwhelmingly happy i had no complaints. I didn't have any feelings of wanting more.
So when i realised that i was late with AF and that there was a possibility that i could be pregnant i became a little stressed/unsure/scared. For the feeling of 'this wasn't what we'd planned' and that i wasn't sure how to tell DH. We had recently committed to putting in a new kitchen and taking a loan so me working would have been really helpful. We were both in the mindset that we were happy with two.
So the day i realised i didn't rush off to get a test, DH came home and i didn't say anything. I lay awake all that night, i could not sleep at all. It bothered me so much that in the end i just had to tell DH that i was 'late'. I did and i can't remember his exact words but it was along the lines of 'well what are we going to do about it?', he was in shock. My answer to that was 'well what do you mean by that? There is nothing we can do, it's possibly already been decided that we may be having another baby'. I had been laying awake thinking it over in my own head and there was no other option for me, termination just because it wasn't in our plans but we were fully capable and equipt to have another baby was not and option for me. I got in the car at about 4am thinking that our local Coles was open but it wasn't, i so needed to know then and there just so i could relax and sleep. I didn't get a test at that time but i did sleep a little better after telling DH.
The next morning once the boys had brecky we went for a walk down to the shops and got some tests. That test was so faint i'm not even sure if i saw anything but the test the very next morning there was definately a line. Once it was confirmed DH took a very short time to come around to the realisation that we'd be having another one and to be happy and excited about it. There was a little bit of me sensing his mood to get an indication on how he was feeling for a short while but it didn't take long for him to become his normal self and then i knew all was ok.
For me the acceptance was pretty much straight away but for a fair part of my pregnancy i did battle with some guilty feelings. It was me beating myself up about her not being planned and while i loved her to bits already i couldn't help think was it the right thing for us? I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't wanted though.
Obviously people assumed it was about trying for a girl but that was never the case. We were lucky enough to be blessed with our own little girl though
Everything in our life has pretty much gone to plan and this was a huge adjustment for us but my god she is the best thing. For us to have something in life that we didn't decide on but is so freaking fantastic just makes our family whole, it is the best feeling for me.
I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your sister is going through. I could imagine it is tricky when outside influances can interfear so much with such a huge decision/realisation in the first place. The partner and his family my not like it or think of it as being ideal but it has happened and your sister can be the sole decision maker (if that's what it comes down to) on what she chooses to do with her body and and her baby. There is no going back now, there is only moving forward and you would hope that everyone will look at the situation for what it is, hopefully see a couple in love and support them with the choices they make. I know it's not that easy....
All the best, everyone handles these things differently and for the most part in the previous posts partners did come around in time. Some didn't end up working out in the long run but they give it a try.
All the best to you and your sister. I hope a happy ground can be found for everyone involved ox
All my pregnancys have been unplanned to dh the first two to me as well although we wanted them just didnt think they would happen so soon , i did warn dh if he didnt want more he was in charge of contraception, by the fourth he was like this is the last one.......this pregnancy was a surprise for both of us, we were using condoms or pulling out and i didnt want anymore so soon, he told me to get an abortion and we could have another in like 5 years i considered it for about a week but couldnt do it
Ours was unplanned, we'd been married only 6 months and I was 25 and we weren't planning kids for 3-5 years. I remember just having this gut feeling that i might be pg even though I didn't keep a good record of my cycles I thought I could be late. With encouragement from a girl at work I POAS on my lunch break - negative! A week later DH and I had a day off together and I'd woken up with sore boobies. DH joked that maybe I was pregnant?? I said "haha no I'm not I actually took a test last week". It was a box of 3 tests though so then I added "look I'll prove it to you I still have two tests in the box" ..... Needless to say 4min later I was sitting on a toilet seat with undies round my ankles and a BFP in my hands!!!! Whoooops!!! Tbh I was the most scared of telling my folks - well really mum as I remember her saying at our wedding, no grand kids for 5 years! But her reaction was surprising. She just said "oh we'll you're an adult. You and Jared will just have to make it work." ! I was expecting a big lecture ! Yes things have been tough financially but I wouldn't change things for anything. DS is the most amazing little dude, my heart just explodes with love for him all day
I hope everyone comes around eventually. Once the baby is born most people are usually banging down your door to see him/her!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk pls excuse spelling mistakes!
Thank you all for your replys. I need to get her to read about all your experiences.
She has had many ups and downs this week but she and DF are at least talking. I do believe her DF is scared, scared of his families reaction, scared of becoming a parent. My sister does not want to fight with him, she is concerned that even without this PG this relationship was going to be tough, due to the cultural differneces between families. I think she is considering termination, though the day before that she was saying she doesn't believe in termination. And that if her DF was happy about the PG, she would be the happiest girl in the world.
I'm sad at the thought I won't get to meet my neice or nephew. I'm sad that my sister has to go through this, she doesn't want our parents to know. Though I know they would be just as supportive as I am. I'm sad that her DF feels the way he does. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, I hope her dating scan gives her the answer she is looking for.
I haven't had an unplanned pregnancy, so you can take my opinion as you like.
I think that a "man" who gets a girl pregnant, and then threatens to leave her if she won't terminate is not someone she should be with anyways. Sex makes babies. That's a fact he has known for years. He was no doubt willing to have sex, but is now unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, and the child he has fathered. If he says he'll leave her if she won't end the pregnancy, then she will be better off without him. Pregnancy or no pregnancy, a man who will leave you when you need him most is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. And, since you've said she doesn't want to terminate, she will most likely resent him for making her do it, and regret the decision for her whole life, whether she remains in a relationship with him or not.
Encourage her to look for other support. She needs her family and friends to tell her they'll be there for her. There are crisis pregnancy centers that can also provide assistance. Her DF may or may not come around, but he sure doesn't sound like a guy you'd want to build a future with.
I haven't experienced an unplanned pregnancy either so cannot comment on personal experience but I am a youth worker so have had to support others in this situation (a little different I know as they're usually very young). I think it is good that they are now talking and I can understand her not wanting to tell parents etc but I think it is also important that she seek support from a counsellor or support network. Once a decision is made you cannot go back. she needs to be sure that her decision is definitely what she wants. It is too hard for you and her partner to be her only supports in this as you're both so close to the situation.
If you google unplanned pregnancy, women's health centers or community counsellors in your area you should get some numbers and names of people who can help support.
My first pregnancy was unplanned, I was 17 and about to start year 12, on the pill and we were using condoms, and my ex-bf said to terminate or he would leave me but I said I wanted the baby and he didn't need to be a part of his or her life even thofugh he made my life miserable for those 2 week until I had my dating scan where the decision was pretty much taken out of my hands by everyone else, the scan showed that I was 6wks 4d and there were visible abnormalities not compatible with life, everyone told me to terminate because at my age I was too young to have to bury my own child. Looking back I know I could have done it and I regret doing what everyone else told me to do but I wouldn't have the family (or children) that I have now.
My DS was also unplanned, I was on the pill and had been dating DH for 4.5, nearly 5, months when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to tell him as I'd only done the test on a whim (I had been on the pill but the sugar pills didn't bring on AF so I got a bit worried), he called me that night while he was at work and asked what was wrong so I told him, he was quiet and just said "ok", I panicked a bit until he got home, turned out he'd bought another test for me so he could see it for himself and he was over the moon and so excited he called all our family that night.
We've been married for just over 2 years now, and my current pregnancy was also unplanned, he didn't want any more kids and I wanted at least one more in 3-5 years time once DS was in school and DD was in pre-school or kinder so that it would be easier for, we went on our long overdue honeymoon and I came back pregnant lol my cycles had been all over the place and DD was almost 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant at 3wks 2d from LMP (approx 9-10dpo according to when we DTD, I thought I'd O'd 3 or 4 days earlier than that though as I'd been charting to keep track of everything so we would be "safe" when we DTD as the Pill doesn't agree with me).
Only reason I suspected I was pregnant was because DH fried me up some eggs which I normally love and the smell and taste made me feel queasy, which only ever happens when I'm pregnant, the first 3 tests (over 2 days) I did the lines were so faint they were almost invisible and DH couldn't see them, so the day after the 3rd test (day 3) I got a BT done which came back with HCG levels of 16 and I bought another test which came up with a definite though still faint 2nd line.
DH's first words were "What will we do?" I said "well terminating isn't an option for me after what happened with my first angel so it looks like we're having another baby".
Neither of our families were pleased with it and even said outright to both of us that I should terminate, I hate it that DH had to explain to his parents why termination wasn't an option for me, and I hate that my own brother basically told me that I was a bad parent for wanting to have another baby even though I wasn't trying as I sometimes struggle with DS and his temper tantrums/mood swings.
All in all though, I'm now a little over 20wks and we couldn't be happier, we have our ups and downs about it all but we work through it.
I hope your sister and her BF can work things through!
I think that this is just a knee-jerk reaction from him, because after all, if it was truly a religion/cultural thing, then he wouldn't have been having a sexual relationship before marriage nor would he be advocating for a termination. I think she just needs to give him time as the poor bugger is probably freaking out about how to tell his parents, especially if they aren't keen on them even being together. I hope it all works out for the best for her 
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