When it's time to stop and just be thankful for what we have.
We have decided to stop trying to conceive number 2. This decision has taken a long time to come around, many tearful conversations and to-ing and fro-ing between wanting to continue or not.
One day I am confident in our decision, the next fearful that I may regret it. I know we have tried so very hard but still wonder if I had tried just that little harder, or again, that we may have succeeded.
It took 10years to conceive DD and since her birth we have used all our frosty bubs in two transfers. We were due to start another stim cycle in October but have realised that we really dont want to go through the heartache, stresses etc again and to put DD through the stressful time too. She already has seen me struggle with the early MC we had in Feb. We just feel that we are so lucky to have her and that she is so much more than we thought we would ever have. We are also so very tired of having TTC thoughts rule our thinking for so many years. We have been married for nearly 15years and thoughts of TTC have taken up 13 of those years! It's time to think of something else, to plan other things, to let go of the always underlying stress that those thoughts bring.
I would love another child but I just cant do another stim cycle. I worry that she will miss having a sibling. I worry that I will stifle her, being the only child. I cant get over the jealous feelings I have over others pregnancies and new babies.
I just want to know it's normal to feel this way. Also that I will feel more at peace with our decision in time - I wont feel this confused forever?
Hugs hun
we have battled with this delimena so much over the past 10 years as well. So many discussions have ended in tears and heartache as we were at different stages with our decisions whether to keep on going or not!
I wanted another child and DH was just so happy and grateful for what we had with the twins . I am so grateful as well, but just felt that our family wasnt complete.
That darn maternal instinct just wouldnt shut off for me! I understood the logic behind his decision- it made so much sense, but I still couldnt accept not to keep on trying!
It is soo normal to feel the way that you do! But if it the right decision for you, then hopefully a sense of contentment should follow! This darn fertility rollercoaster just doesnt stop!!! It is just awesome that you have both reached the same point in your decision what to do!!! Acceptance will come with time! Hugs hun!
FWIW- we did 7 more cycles and we finally got a BFP which I m/c after 12 weeks.
DH then decided that enough was enough. I told him that i respected his decision and whenever he was ready to go again- so was i! 1 year later he said he was ready to go a full stim again. I waited booked in the next day at the clinic and waited for AF to arrive- it never arrived and we got a BFP naturally after 10 years of trying!! I was allready 2 weeks pregnant and i didnt even know- we had conceived the week before DH had decided out of the blue to give it another try!!
Our little miracle is now nearly 7 months old!!!!
DH has clearly stated that he is definately not up for anymore now! I would love more kids, but now I am realising that it aint gonna happen and I am fine to a certain extent with that- that is unless another miracle is sent our way again . . . . . lol
I firmly believe in desinty and what is meant to happen- will!
hugs hun and good for you for making a decision !!! It is a toughie!!
You know this is something I struggle with as well - and mostly because we are just so far away from being able to make a decision on what to do.
I do wonder where in the rule book it says that it's not ok to stop at one child. I'm happy with just one for now, but I've seen only children have trouble forming relationships with their peers at school and do wonder if we'd be setting Sam up for a really awful time at school if we don't give him a sibling... but the other side of the coin is that both DH and I had trouble at school and he was one of four kids while I was one of two.
This is yet another horrid decision we have to face as LTTTC/ACer's... I don't think theres ever an easy answer... and definately no easy way to reach it
It's so hard when you've really done the hard yards - 10 yrs TTC DD was a long time sweetheart xxx
The added pressure of the medicare changes are really not helping anyone out either - its putting everyone into turmoil thinking about things and making decisions that may not have otherwise been needed to be thought upon & decided right now.....
I think its fantastic that both you & DH are on the same page - I can't imagine being the one that wanted to keep going when he was done or vice versa.
Its an exciting time where you can think about future plans for yourselves that otherwise may not have been an option if you continued to cycle...
FWIW I know its completely normal to feel the way you do - and you may forever have that little thought or feeling that says "am I done?" - I'm not in that position presently but I know from talking to other girls (and especially a few here on BB like Sushee & BW - I hope you girls don't mind me using you as examples ) - it may be something that you never stop pondering... but in answer to your question, I think its proven that its normal xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The other thing that I can say from experience - Luke is at present an only child & has been for 11yrs now - He has no issues at all with other kids at school or recreationally (with sport or socially etc)... so please don't let that be a concern for you.
I appreciate every child is different, but being an only child I believe, hasn't helped, hindered or made a difference as to how he 'fits' with other kids.
He is a spoilt child but not an ungrateful one.... and thats got more to do with us spoiling him because we love him - not from compensation trying to make up for what he doesn't have in being an only child, if that makes sense?
He's polite, well mannered, grateful & most importantly understands sharing, so I can promise you you won't have to worry about that as your DD grows
Lots of hugs & strength sweetheart - even when we seem to be stepping off the TTC/AC rollercoaster it still doesn't seem to make for an easy ride
Thank you so much ladies. Your support really does help put my mind at ease.
BW I knew you would be in on this topic. It's a toughie isn't it? I agree that people just don't seem to think of having "A child" they always say "having children". It's as though you must automatically have more than one. Having one child is NOT the same as not having children!!!
Wow Det your story gave me a shiver. I am almost fearful that if we were to have a miracle surprise bub I wouldnt know how to think! We have decided to sell/pass on all her baby things so it would be like starting all over if it did happen. Reality check reminds me it is almost impossible. I am so lucky that DH had said he was happy to go either way, it was up to me to stop when ready. Although, that did make it all my decision but also easier to say stop and not worry that I was putting a stop to his wants.
Holly, those medicare changes are really what made the difference to us! We had decided to try again before we heard about the changes. Then we had two cycles with no luck so we felt a bit panicked to keep going this year. The pressure didnt help at all and that led to talks about what if it doesnt work this time and will we still try after the money changes. I wonder how many other couples will end up doing the same as us? I'm sure next year will tell. Thank you so much for your reasuring words about Luke being an only child. That helps so much! I have recieved comments from ignorant people saying " You HAVE to have more than one, it's CRUEL to not give her a sibling!" and that really did get me thinking.
Slowly but surely getting my head around things now I hope. I'm sure it will be an ongoing thing though, the jealousy and the "what ifs".
I think you are very strong and courageous. C is going to be a beautiful happy child and what Holly said about Luke hopefully helped you see that she will be fine. In some ways better off even
As a child (sheesh, that was years ago ) I had a few friends who were only children, mostly due to separation/divorce. All children have such different family lives due to country/city living, rich/not so rich, huge extended families etc, that I don't think you can worry about this negatively affecting her.
But i can imagine that there are days when you change your mind and want to try again - it's a big decision.
Aww I didnt see that Marcellus till today. Hmm now I'm wondering what you posted LOL!
Thanks for the hug though.
Lenny, I tell myself that all the time. I think a child will be who they are because of a variety of things. Parenting, personality, culture etc all play a part, not just the absence of siblings although I guess that would be part of it the same way that your place amongst siblings can sometimes do.
I am already getting comments (Yesterday from my very ignorant, impulsive best friend who speaks before thinking) along the lines of parents of single children get it easy etc etc. Why must people be judgemental about everything? And without knowing the background behind things, or even if they DO????
Sigh. I'm sure this is just the beginning of having to either defend our decision to have one child or explain constantly that it isnt necessarily our choice.
Well, I started rambling on about finding peace in our circumstances blah blah, went around in circles a bit and then thought - I don't think this is very helpful. So I don't think you missed anything
I will say, though - and I don't mean to trivialise what you're going through in any way, cause I know it must be sooo hard, and I'm so thankful that we've not had to face up to it yet - that we all have to stop and be thankful for what we have, don't you think?
People say stupid things. I hope that you can come to peace with your family, such that you don't feel the need to defend yourself or explain.
When it's time to stop and just be thankful for what we have.
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) - it may be something that you never stop pondering... but in answer to your question, I think its proven that its normal xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
) I had a few friends who were only children, mostly due to separation/divorce. All children have such different family lives due to country/city living, rich/not so rich, huge extended families etc, that I don't think you can worry about this negatively affecting her.
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