Is this normal?

[butterfly_warrior]

I've just had what can only be described as an odd day, and I'm really wondering if the way I'm feeling about it all comes from having taken so long to get pregnant, me being some sort of horrible snob, lack of sleep (3 leg cramps and 2 toilet trips last night coupled with awful heat) or whether it's just plain normal.

I guess the background to all this is that we've only told people online Munchkin's gender. I slipped up with one friend (made a comment that I thought was subtle, but wasn't subtle enough when said friend is an OB and I'm talking about how easily Munchkin revealed his gender on scans!), and I may have slipped with others, but they are choosing to ignore it.

I've got friends and students madly doing all they can to find out what we're having. Why do people get like that, anyway? We've had people from church offer to lend us stuff (another issue entirely!) expressed as "I'm not trying to find out what you're having but we've got boxes and boxes of girls clothes that you're quite welcome to if you want". You just can't respond!

Today we went to visit SIL... to go through baby stuff and see if there's anything we wanted... I was of course feeling really quite hesitant as SIL has one boy and one girl and I felt like I couldn't accept anything without revealing gender... However she was good and really only offered us gender-neutral clothing.

But... she offered us a chair/rocker type thing, which has been sitting in storage for years and was quite dirty. Metal buckles had gone rusty, and sure, you could clean it up, but... I really didn't want it, and felt quite bad for saying so. There were a few other beaten up toys and things. Then we moved to clothes... There was some quite good stuff in what she gave us that I would have no hesitation in using for Munchkin. I have no real issues with hand-me-down clothing (I had lots of them as a child, anyway!), but I do have issues if they are worn, faded, stained, etc.

Am I being snobbish for not wanting to put my baby in clothing that's been stained by someone else's child? Sure, I know Munhckin's going to plant his fair share of stains on clothes, but...

And then there's the whole "my boy slept in pink sleep suits, he's in bed, nobody will see him, who cares?!"... Um, I care! I felt the same when MIL offered me the dress that she brought all of her children home from hospital in (three boys, one girl). SIL used it for her two... But I'm sitting here thinking there's no way in HELL my son will be put in a dress, a pink sleep suit nor even a pink singlet underneath his outer clothes! I'll see him and I care!

No, I don't want my child using a second hand rocker, baby bath, etc!

Am I some sort of horrible, priggish snob?

Or am I having the normal reaction of someone who has been through LTTTC?

Or is it just a normal reaction and something that it seems my MIL and SIL are the only people on the planet incapable of understanding?

It's taken us two and a half years to conceive Munchkin, and it's been two and a half years of absolute hell with OHSS and miscarriages and other associated crap that comes with IVF. I want him to have nice things! I'm not going overboard and insisting on only one particular colour/theme. I also thought I was avoiding the gender stereotyping and going for things with animals rather than cars and trucks, etc. Sure, there's a lot of blue in there, but we also have brown, orange, red, green, yellow - the brighter the better! I seriously doubt I'd have bought much pink even if we were having a girl (I'm allergic to pink and frills, I'm sure!) - because I want to avoid gender stereotyping my child... so why am I reacting to pink sleep suits and singlets and special going home "dresses"?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this now, but I'm almost feeling like an ungrateful wretch with snobbishly expensive taste... But I'm seriously uncomfortable about some of the stuff that has been offered to us, and I really need to know if this is normal for someone having been through LTTTC and IVF, or whether it's just plain normal and my in-laws are strange, miserly freaks!

BW

[~shazz~]

i don't think your over reacting at all i was the same i wanted my much longed for baby to have his own things it is a hard one when people want to know the gender when you obviously don't want them to know good luck with it all and i'm in shock how far along you are it feel like only yesterday i was reading you were pg i feel like i have lived with my head in the sand for months enjoy the rest of your pg and try not to let people bother you :hugs:

[Sequoia]

I'm not a LTTTC'er, but when SIL gave me all her old baby clothes, many were stained so I bypassed them. Perhaps us first time mothers are a little precious, regardless of how long we have been TTC? I only wanted nice new things for my new baby...

SG
xo

[Trillian]

Nah, your not overly hormonal and it's not just related to your Journey to get Munchkin either. FWIW, I would never offer any baby stuff to anyone unless it was in tip top condition because even if someone is happy to have 2nd hand, you still want it to be in good nick kwim? And besides my pride wouldn't let me give anyone anything scabby. So I don't think you're some evil wicked witch for not accepting and I think people should expect that you don't want every last item 2nd hand you know?

Maybe if you're in that position again with offers from people, you could say 'thanks, but we really wanted to get the big ticket items brand new so they will last all our children' and they can hardly say no. And as for The Dress, tell your MIL you would like to start a new tradition for your children with a coming home outfit - I know for my babies they all had special outfits I brought for them to go home in (my hospital let you have a 'gate pass' to go shopping if you wanted to) that was just theirs.

Oh, and as for the people who are trying to find out his gender, I would tell them all sorts of things just to annoy them LOL and keep them guessing. They will find out soon enough.

[StrawberryMumma]

Hey BW

Maybe it could be a LTTTC thing, but you know what, I really just think it's just a matter of personal preference. Don't feel bad about it! I don't think you are being snobbish! Do what makes you and your DH comfy. If you want new things for bub and can afford them- GO FOR IT! The experience of having your first bub is so unique, and will never happen the same way again so do what YOU want to do.
Secondhand things can be great in many circumstances, especially if money is tight, but do what makes you happy. This is such a special time, enjoy it!!

[CeCe]

Hi BW,

We're still at the TTC stage so I cannot speak from experience, but I would be with you in wanting nice, new, clean clothes for our little one. I've waited so long (and still waiting) and having the trouble we have to conceive and not knowing if we would get a 'second go' I'd want to do the best for our first.

I don't think it's snobbish. To me it just seems natural because that's what I would want to do. I look forward to the days of wandering through the department stores and finally being able to purchase the cute but tiny outfits that I avoid for the time being and I think you've earnt the 'indulgence' of that if that's what you want to do.

[feeb]

i didnt want much 2nd hand stuff either.

we did buy a baby bath and stand on ebay cheap glad we did as hardly used it!!

we have been given a few toys and clothes but all in immaculate barely used condition.

so i do not think u r being snobby or anytthing!!

[tiggerandpooh]

First of all HUGE hun

Second of all repeat after me: NO you are NOT an ungrateful wretch!!!

Whenever I have offered anything to anyone who was having a babe, I always only offer gender non-specific, and definately nothing stained torn or otherwise. And I always accompany the giving with the statement, "take whatever you want, and just give the rest to charity. and if you don't want any of it, that's ok too - I won't be offended."

I think its perfectly normal way to feel. This is your first child hun. conceived through a myriad of heartbreak and hardship. Its completely understandable. I didn't experience what you have had to experience darling, and I still wanted "new" things for my first. By the time I got to number 3 - who was an unexpected little surprise after 8 years I was very grateful for all the hand me downs I was given, purely because the only thing I had still was the cot that Laura and Nathan had slept in! The only thing that I wouldn't relent on with Aston was I wanted a new pram, a new matteress, and new bedding.

Could you politely say - thanks very much, but we already have been given one of those, or we have enough of them? As for the going home outfit - "Oh thank you so much MIL - but "insert some - one special's name" has already given us an outfit to bring baby home in."

Don't feel bad hun.

[briggsy's girl]

hun, if you're an awful wretch, i'm right there with you!

i've had full on arguments with my brother who just doesn't get it. we can afford to do this our way, so that's what we're doing. i don't appreciate being told "you're wasting money" or whatever - we've had to work damn hard to get where we are, and we'll do this the way we want to!

SIL used to have a heap of clothes she'd held onto that i'd bought her kids - all in good nick - that were being kept for when we had children. with it taking so long, most of it has been given away, and there is bugger all left. we went through it the other day and there was hardly anything that i would want for my baby. there were toys (lamaze etc) - and you could TELL they were second hand. they weren't in perfect nick so i said thanks but no thanks. keep them here for when we visit.

do this the way you and DH want to do it - and tell everyone else to take a hike! i have....

[Lulu]

Me three! I don't think you are ungrateful and I don't think its a LTTC thing either.

Lots of people will offer you lots of stuff. It can be hard when someone wants to give you a cot......but its been in their shed for 10 yrs, or in storage for awhile, or its a bit stained.
Or like my BIL and SIL - they throw everything into their dusty old carport. They gave us a bath and a sit up chair but they were soooo covered in dust and muck that I was half embarrassed half angry that they thought I'd accept it!!!

Others however, just want to help/contribute the best way they can. Some of the things you will be offered come loaded with so many precious memories...so much so that we can't see the stains, just happy reminders of milestones....*sob. I have the most beautiful clothing here from my girls. I recently passed on some of my mostest favourite things to a couple of BB ladies and it took me ages to do it, but I could pass these things on knowing they will be appreciated iykwim? Its hard to let go, but not as hard when you know your lovely memories will go on and create more in someones family album.

I have dresses worn by my 16 yo DD as a baby that DD2 wears and its a pleasure to see them worn again. I have things that were worn by myself, my sister and my cousins and its the family history that makes them wonderful, not 2nd hand. Then again, I have NOT given things to friends because I didn't think they would take care of them....

NOW, the good thing about it is you can accept it all with a smile (not that I think you wouldn't) and pick and choose the things you want in the privacy of your own home iykwim? No one has to get hurt .

When I do pass on clothes I DO put some slightly less than perfect things in the bundle because as far as I know babies wee, poo and spew on everything and if I can spare a mate some "rough and tumble" clothes for their bubbas it means they have more $$ to spend on the spesh things for them.

Oh and - do people know that YOU know munchkins gender? If they think you don't know either maybe they would LET UP a little?! It might be time to tell a few people that "the sonographer really couldn't tell" or something........geez, some people can't take a hint can they???

xoxoxoxo

[Kitt3n]

Hun, if you are an ungrateful wretch then I am the daughter in law from hell!

I know what I like, especially after already having had DD. I know what I need, what I dont, and what is and isnt acceptable second hand.

I had lots of people trying to give us stuff - but once you start saying yes to "stuff" you dont get to go out there and check out if it really is the "stuff" that you want. I hope that makes sense?

Anyway, I just went out and bought everythng/laybyed everything so whenever I was offered I could politely say "oh thankyou, but we already have that".

On the clothing thing - most newborns dont need that much. They really dont, and if you start using all the hand me downs as your day to day things, you will then feel guilty for not getting enough use out of the good things! They grow so quickly, you only have so long to have them in that gorgeous little outfit you saw in the shop window - enjoy them in the good stuff, and only use the handme downs when everything else is dirty! Trust me!

And just to quote you "or whether it's just plain normal and my in-laws are strange, miserly freaks!". I have come to the conclusion that is correct for about 90% of in laws

You have waited so long for this baby, the baby is what matters, but hun you go out there and you get what you want - after everythign you have been through you deserve the creme-de-la-creme of everything

[mrsmac]

You are not strange hun, its normal for anyone even those of us not LTTTC. When I give clothes I go through them and take out anything even slightly stained and say just take what you think you would use. My SIL went through a heap of DS's stuff last weekend and took about 1/4 of it and left the rest which didn't bother me at all cause we have different tastes in clothes.
We told most people we didn't know the sex ourselves to stop them asking but I have to say even those who knew we knew didn't hassle us at all so we were lucky.
Your MIL and SIL sound a bit of a pain (sorry) I am very blessed with mine but my last MIL nearly drove me off the edge when I was pg with DD. They were obsessd with the fact that I HAD to have a boy. XMIL used to say that it would be a boy and send me BLUE knitted outfits WTF. I was so determined to have a girl to p- them off LOL After DD was born XGMIL said "Never mind Chrissy the next one will be a boy" I could go on for ages about these people but I can feel my BP rising! Just know that I feel your MIL pain from memory!


BTW I have a whole pile of stained clothes of Riley's for you that I will be deeply hurt if you don't accept LOL

[AJC]

You are not a 'priggish snob' - no way!!!! It's nice of people to offer things but I've found most of the time they make you feel like you're obliged to take it. Every single thing we have for this bub is brand new except for a little white United Colours of Beneton t-shirt that my cousin gave to me as I had bought it for her when I was in Italy a few years ago & it hardly looks worn anyway. We don't know what we're having but people have actually been really put out with us as we've not told them what names we're thinking of when they ask. They look at us in amazement like we're weird or something for keeping it secret. Bugger them - enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your baby how you want to - who cares about anyone else, you deserve to have every happiness at this time and if people only want to be annoying then Poo to them.

Big Big for you.

[butterfly_warrior]

Thanks so much, everyone! I was in a bit of a state last night, nearly in tears but incredibly tired so even though I had to get it out, I'm not sure it made much sense at all.

I guess at this point, all I can say is that my in-laws truly are Scottish! Funnily enough, my sister also married into a scottish family, and her DH is just as bad! I'm just so relieved that the pressure to accept this stuff isn't coming from DH, just MIL and SIL.

We were offered a bath frame. It's a wire thingy that a fabric sleeve goes over to support the baby in the bath... Erm, nice idea, but the plastic coating on the wire frame had come off in places and it had gone rusty - no thank you. But SIL couldn't see it. I said I'd wait and see when we've finally organised how we'll bath the baby, as with back problems I thought we'd want one that goes on a stand so baby is high up... We weren't two minutes down the road when SIL had called on DH's mobile to offer us a baby bath they had that could go on a stand... erm, no thanks! I have a horrible feeling it may have been the one that was on the porch when we arrived that looks like the ducks play in it! I was also offered a frame hang toys on for the baby to play with. Fortunately I was able to say that we already had a play mat with its own dangly toys so I could say no to another slightly rusty wire frame without guilt.

As for cloth nappies that are probably 45+ years old that MIL used... The only comment I have here is that I thought shaped cloth nappies were a modern thing. Perhaps MIL was way ahead of her time. We may eventually go cloth, but are sticking with disposables until we know how my arthritis will go after giving birth. But, using second-hand cloth nappies feels rather like wearing second-hand underwear, and there's no flipping way that I would, so why would I put them on my son?!

I realise that people attach many memories to outfits, but I'm not really the kind of person that attaches memories to things. I think it comes from my mother's family - they migrated to Australia in the 60s, and the "precious family heirlooms" tended to stay with the family in Holland (not that there's many to share around with my grandparents coming from families of 10 and 14 children). My grandparents' house was robbed at one point in time, and there went the items of jewelry that were my grandmother's that may have come down to us...

But... some of these outfits were so stained I can't understand why they were even kept! My niece pointed out the "big yellow stains" on the bottom of one romper suit type thing - if my 8 year old niece can see that I wouldn't want something, why can't SIL? In the end, I accepted it, because I was feeling bad for rejecting so much stuff! I am damned sure, though that quite a lot of stuff will just stay in the bag stuffed in the wardrobe and never get used at all! If charities wouldn't accept it, why should family?

Now... what's with lending out baby clothes that you'll want back? In particular, they are wanted back for when my niece has her own children. If things are that precious to you, why lend them out and chance them being unfixably ruined? We're talking singlets that MIL embroidered... I'm almost glad that MIL has now decided she's too old to do more as even though she didn't know the gender of the child she was embroidering for, they were all pink and flowery... Or perhaps MIL has picked up something in the last 11 years or so about the things I like and dislike?

I just don't get it!

But seriously, it is nice to hear that I am normal, and that wanting nice things for my child isn't some way that IVF has warped my brain. I know there's been some brain warpage going on, but it's nice to know that this isn't part of it!

However, I still don't get why I'm so funny about the going home dress and the pink sleepsuits. Little boys wear christening dresses all the time! As SIL says - who's going to see the baby when it's sleeping at night? Who's going to care? The only answer I have to that is that I will see and I will care. I honestly thing that I would probably still have the same aversion to pink and frilly if I were having a girl. The vast majority of stuff that I have bought really is gender neutral and I probably would have bought it anyway. I don't like pink, frilly, floral things, and I'm not going to gender stereotype my son into thinking that he can only like toy cars, trucks, trains, etc. Munchkin's clothes so far are tending towards brightly coloured and/or animal pictures.

Perhaps I should change the story after the next scan... the sonographer changed their mind about the gender, so now we really don't know and will have to wait until birth to be sure! I just feel bad about lying, and Munchkin is certainly NOT shy about flashing his bits at scans! I've had to be really careful not to book scans on a Friday because a friend from church works at the scan place on Fridays, and if she gets to do one, the game's well and truly up! Or perhaps it's a "locker room" thing - he's not been shy flashing for the male sonographer, but has been incredibly shy with the female OB! However, we're at least not getting pressure about revealing names with the gender mystery dangling before people! Not that we can decide yet - we've got a few, but I seem to change my mind on a daily basis.

BW

[briggsy's girl]

BW - i don't know how i'll feel about putting a boy in pink sleep suits. I guess having them as an emergency reserve is fine if you've had a crappy day and things just aren't dry - but they'd be at the bottom of the pile and the last thing i'd use as a "no other option" thing. i'd prefer to get white, lemon, green for either gender.

even if we have a girl, i wouldn't use a "family" gown to bring her home - i know it might be tradition for some families, but i would prefer to choose a special outfit for my child to come home in that will be theres forever. i've kept the HPT from first positive, scan pics, and i'm sure there will be other treasures that i'll keep for our baby when it's old enough to appreciate them - and one of those will be the outfit they come home in. i think it's completely normal that you'd want to have special items for the munchkin

as to the bath and things - it's starting to bug me just as much as it is you that people seem to think that just because they have a bath (cradle/cot) that we'll want to take it. i understand that, for some people, they have no option to purchase new. but that doesn't mean that everyone is in the same boat. and it doesn't mean those on lesser finances can't be picky about what hand me downs they accept!! my parents have a baby bath in their carport at the moment - it was offered to me. i was offered a 20 year old cot. they don't seem to get that i want things that are CLEAN, NEW and MEET safety standards!

when DH and i got together, my SIL took the opportunity to clean out all their baby stuff and dump it at our house. we'd not even talked children, and all of a sudden we had a cradle, wraps, baby bath, breast pump! it made the TTC journey even harder having that stuff there. when a family friend fell pregnant at 17, i gave her all of it. she got the lot (well, i think so - might still have some wraps here, and maybe the breast pump - but if i'm going to pump i'll get a new one anyway). she was in a situation where she couldn't buy everything new, and appreciated the gesture. when her baby was old enough to not need the things anymore, i had her take them to a charity as i didn't want the constant reminder - plus i didn't want hand me downs when we finally did have a baby!

the gremlin will have mostly new stuff. i have no drama taking some things second hand (sleep suits being one of them!), but i also don't want our child, being the fourth grandchild for my parents, to ONLY get hand me downs. i seen how little my bro's youngest got when she was born (third child, second daughter) - and how she continues to be given only hand me down toys and clothes - and i don't want that for my child. they are an individual in their own right, and deserve to be treated as special and important for who they are!

now i'm just waffling too - i'm only 10 weeks and have already copped this crap - i'm kinda glad you've made it to 29 weeks without too many hassles like this coming up!

[butterfly_warrior]

True, BG. I have got a long way through without being bothered too much. Although, MIL was on the phone offering me the silk coming home dress at only 10 weeks, and asking if my feet were swelling yet.

It wasn't at all deliberate, but at first when people offered us stuff, I could honestly reply that we needed to wait until we had cleared the space. Then we bought a flat-packed cot... Sorry, but we've already got a cot. Change table - we have a chest of drawers on layby with a change tray on top, but thanks for the offer.

I haven't actually talked about it with DH yet, but I think that he's thinking along similar lines to me. He kept trying to wander off and play with the dog when we were going through the clothes...

I'm ever so slightly tempted, just out of spite, to keep for myself or "lose" some of the stuff that SIL wants back. Not that I think I could ever go through with such a plan, but it's nice to contemplate for now.

I still don't get it - what makes someone think that the grotty old baby bath the ducks swim in is good enough for someone else's child? What makes people think that the 20 year old cot stored in a car port is in any way safe or clean for a child to sleep in, knowing that they will also suck on it, chew on it, etc. What goes through some people's brains when someone's having a baby?

BW

[briggsy's girl]

I still don't get it - what makes someone think that the grotty old baby bath the ducks swim in is good enough for someone else's child? What makes people think that the 20 year old cot stored in a car port is in any way safe or clean for a child to sleep in, knowing that they will also suck on it, chew on it, etc. What goes through some people's brains when someone's having a baby?

BW

DUMPING GROUND!


well, that's how it feels when you're offered stuff that just isn't safe!!

i get that people want to try to help. but would they honestly use it for themselves if they had another baby (and if so, do they REALLY think it's safe??). i'm so glad that, even though we haven't ordered anything, we've decided what we're getting so i can say "no thanks, it's organised". makes it so much easier when you KNOW what you're doing and can honestly say "nope, that won't work!

we haven't decided on bath yet - but we will be getting a baby bath just in case i have a c/s - can't get down to the big bath safely and i'll be home alone. haven't decided on car seat, but have a fair idea. we were offered a portacot, but i declined - i KNOW it is over 8 years old (i bought it for bro and sil!), i KNOW it's not in top condition - and i KNOW it was used as full time bed for a toddler for a year - it probably still looks ok - but i don't know how safe it would be and i don't want to risk the Gremlin at all. we'll get a new portacot and carseat - if we then have three children like my bro, and use them over five or 8 years, at least they will be in good nick and i'll KNOW the history completely.

as to the stuff your SIL wants back - i would honestly be packing it all up and posting it back with a note - "thanks for the generous gesture, but given you wanted this stuff returned to you for your daughters children to use, i can't bring myself to use them in case they end up damaged" - gets you out of using items you dont want but makes you still look grateful

[Trillian]

Yep, I'd be giving the stuff back with a note like BG suggested - I can't for the life of me work it out why people do that - or feel compelled to return the stuff they did take. My SIL did that with stuff she borrowed for her first and I told her I gave it to her because I no longer needed it and if she didn't want it, give it to charity or chuck it out.

Sometimes though I think people feel helpless, so by offering you who-knows-what baby gear that they feel like they have done something kwim?

Chances are good that it wont stop even once he's born because you'll probably still have SIL passing on her boy's stuff to you, so you'll have to have to work someting out to deflect all the offers LOL.