Sweets - I wish I could say something that would make it easier. You need to be angry, sad, bitter, numb and the horrible part is you have to allow yourself to feel it all.

If you have a brick wall in your drive way I suggest purchasing some cheap plates and smashing them or getting some sort of punching bag and give it a good beating. I need a physical release in times of high emotional distress.

Is DH ok? I hope you are both able to support each other at the moment. It can be hard sometimes because boys sometimes don't get it. The pressure we put on ourselves to be career women, mothers, lovers, best friends, sisters, aunty and to be the best in all areas. They sometimes don't get how responsible we feel for our families and friends and I really hope that you are not blaming yourself for this sweetheart.