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Thread: what is wrong with me?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    May 2009
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    Default what is wrong with me?

    Hi there everyone,
    I just wanted to share this stuff I'm going through, and feeling really guilty and concerned about. I actually kind of posted in relation to this elsewhere (on the sticky "Why am I not happy") but I guess I'm a broken record.
    Ok, here goes. I am 9 weeks (3 days) pregnant, having had a really bad scare (which some of you might have read about) and got some good news that things are ok. So that was Thursday. I was so thrilled, and relieved and started to feel a glimmer of hope for the first time since I found out I was pregnant (I've also had spotting, weeks 4, 5, 6 and 7, on and off, now off for nearly 2 weeks). So things haven't been easy.
    Which is perhaps part of the reason why I'm finding it hard to cope with what I keep judging as these "petty" feelings of resentment and envy towards others. My bro, who is 4 years younger, just announced that his wife is pregnant, due 1 week before me (they tried ... ooh ... um ... once or twice, have been married just under 6 months). My DH's SIL also just announced (her second, timed precisely 2 years after her first, never a problem). And another good friend just announced (due a week after me, again no problems conceiving).
    I know that envy is just a useless emotion which consumes so much energy, and I'd really like to be happy for me and my DH (though I'm scared of being too happy, you know, in case it's bad luck).
    I really feel trapped by this bitterness and envy. I know that resisting unpleasant emotions can worsen them. But I'd also just like to say .... WTF?!! 3 pregnancy announcements, all due at the same time, all coinciding with us. Grrr.....
    The thing is, deep down, I'm still so scared to be pregnant and scared to lose it. And somehow these "normal" women getting pregnant makes me feel like it's more likely I will have a loss. I know that's irrational, but that's the thought process.
    Any strategies for feeling better? Anyone felt this way too?
    WW


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    There's nothing wrong with you hon, what you're feeling is quite understandable and normal, under the circumstances.
    You need to let those negative feelings about others out - somewhere safe (bb maybe?). And confront those feelings that come from within you - the fear. the anxiety. the resentment.

    For me (and this took a long time), I found I was ultimately able to cope with everything a lot better (especially baby news from others) when I realised that those feelings came from within me. I was bitter and resentful, but I blamed others for making me feel this way. Only that wasn't true. Ohter people reminded me of what I couldn't have, but the feelings were mine. It was like a switch went off and suddenly, as soon as I made claim to the feelings I was able to deal with them a lot better. They didn't go away (even now, believe it or not), but things are better and I no longer feel like I've been whacked with a sledgehammer when hearing pregnancy announcements. It still touches me, but I recognise the feelings for what they are and can be happy for others.

    It takes time, so just give yourself space to process and work through things. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and soon you're able to relax into it a bit more and enjoy this special time.

    All the best

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    SA
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    I know what's it's like to be angry and envy others... took me over 14 months to conceive. Which isnt as long and painful as you, but I honestly thought it would never happen.
    Now it has, my husband has walked out on me. And i am so angry and envy all my friends and family that decided hey, let's have a baby. Then BAM they were preg. And now they have their husband, their baby, their happy family....why cant it be as simple as that for me?
    I felt SO guilty that i'm feeling miserable all the time. I wanted a baby so much, I should be celebrating.
    So I am trying to Forget everyone else. I've been relaxing, reading preg books, imagining what i'll do with the nursery, thinking about baby names..... trying to just concentrate on my baby. Because that is all that matters in the world now.

  4. #4

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    Apr 2009
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    Yes your definately normal. Honestly why wouldn't you feel like that? I mean obviously you have been ttc for years and 99% of people in our eyes seem to have it easy in comparison (lets have a baby, pregnant within 12months but its usually only 2-3months, if a m/c they get pregnant again, and have a baby) Years and years of disappointment after disappointment, invasive treatment, complete sex life on the table, no privacy, normal comments like when are you going to start a family, how are you going is like a hot knife going into your heart. Not to mention walking out of the house to see everyone pushing prams or sporting a baby bump. Pregnancy and birth announcements over and over again from people who have 2-3children in the time your still ttc that same one. Unfortunately the scars from that part of your life are not cured when you do get that baby you were ttc.

    And finally it happens and you have lost that faith in yourself, your body and society/God etc why not feel its still not over and something you have been trying so hard for it actually not the end of the tunnel or that last hurdle. When your not pregnant and you want to be and have been trying so long I guess you only look at getting that BFP but once it happens you realise its only one hurdle you have overcome. I imagine when I get to that stage again I will be exactly the same. I'll want to go into hiding and not hear from anyone about anything pregnancy or baby related. And for everyone else who is pregnant the same time it would be like that is right, good things for them bad things for me as it has been in the past (from the point of looking into someone elses life and seeing what they have in comparison ie fertility and children and when they decide)

    But your almost 25% of the way to having a healthy baby. And do you have another scan in 2weeks? As hard as I imagine it to be try and enjoy it as you will regret how you felt in the future. I imagine you will look back and think what a horrible pregnancy it was because of the stress of the unknown. You protect yourself by not preparring to have a baby emotionally to avoid that disappointment which is what we do from the time we start ttc and it doesn't happen. I'd say what your feeling is from years of disappointment and heartbreak ltttc causes and your not alone.

    From been a midwife I have seen women either that way (how it sounds from reading your post and how I am and will be) or the opposite and determined to enjoy every moment regardless of what might happen. For me the stress of the unknown and wounds from the heartache of infertility will mean I wont be able to enjoy it and still will think the bad stuff will happen to me as it has for the past several years. I don't really have any advise on how to overcome that just wanted to share that your feelings are completely normal and hopefully when bub starts to move and you feel it your anxiety will ease to some degree. Thinking of you and praying you have an uneventful remainder of pregnancy and beautiful healthy bub in 6.5ish months time.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    May 2009
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    Thanks you guys!
    Marcellus, I really like your advice. I know what you mean - sort of - when things slip into focus and you have a bit of an "a-ha" moment. It's been a while since I've had one. My mind is kind of running the show, with loads of unhelpful thoughts. But it is true that other people and other people's lives ... well, they really are logically unrelated to one's own life. In the sense that their luck is not my misfortune. But the mind plays tricks and makes it seem that way.
    CrazyCat, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. That sounds incredibly tough. I admire you for your attitude - just focusing on you and the baby. I really empathise with your "why me" feelings. I'm wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and your baby's arrival.
    And Mildez, thank you so much. You just put into words so much of what I feel. I'm also wishing you all the best for now and the future, and some relief from your anxiety and pain.
    All the best ladies,
    WW

  6. #6

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    Hi,

    I read this yesterday and wasn't able to post straight away (stupid internet) but wanted to come back and tell you that I could have written that post myself a few months ago. We TTC'd for 3 years and had to go through IVF/ICSI to conceive DS.

    When I was about 20 weeks pregnant, a friend announced her pregnancy after only TTC for 2 months. I was devastated, angry and resentful that it was so easy for her, and even though I was pregnant myself. But I recognised that it was my baggage, not her's. I was also happy for her that she had conceived, but it didn't stop the anger and hurt and sadness of what I had been through. I think her story felt like a slap in the face for what we had endured, and it almost felt like she'd done it to make me feel bad (I should add, she was actually very sensitive and considerate toward me at this time, so she wasn't flaunting the pregnancy or anything).

    What's more, I also had a similar experience to what you're going through now - I had on-and-off spotting for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy, and was very anxious for a long time. It was very hard to be happy about being pregnant when I was convinced that I was going to miscarry. It didn't occur to me that I would make it to full term, or walk away with a baby. I did have a lot of counselling, but I think the journey of LTTTC stays with us and becomes part of our make-up.

    Be kind to yourself, what you're experiencing is normal. There will be a day when you can enjoy your pregnancy, and hopefully heal from the journey you've travelled.

    All the best hun.

  7. #7

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    Big hugs to you sweets, it's a difficult time - mentally!
    I still feel like that sometimes, when I hear about people falling pregnant at the sniff of each other - I want to punch them. Totally irrational I know but still how I feel.

    All the way through my pregnancy I was convinced that something was going to go wrong and not once did I assume I was going to take home a baby. A few friends were pregnant at the same time as me and I tried talking to one of them once but they just didn't have a clue where I was coming from so I learned to keep those thoughts to myself. I think that the LTTTC, miscarriage and IVF really messed with my head - and still does to a point.

    I love what Marcellus said about owning your feelings though, that is so true. No-one makes you feel like this, it all comes from our experiences and within. It's just about how we cope with these things.
    Thank god for BB and everyone here hey? This site was invaluable to me when I was pregnant. Really kept me sane at times when I thought I was cracking up. I found pregnancy to be the most mentally challenging thing that I have been through.


    Huge hugs to you.
    Sue xxx

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