Hi girls. Kinda feel like Im intruding a bit as I havent really posted here (properly) before but Im feeling crappy tonight and need some support. I hope thats ok?

I had a very early loss in Nov last year (due July), and am now 9wks (due Oct.).
I should have been 20wks today. Not 9. Im missing my lost bub so much tonight. My heart hurts. But I also feel so guilty because wishing "she" was here means wishing my current pregnancy away. And I dont, of course.
I was thinking before, now that the tears have run out, that maybe I havent really connected with this pregnancy like I thought. I mean, Im attatched to it. But I just havent been interested in looking at / talking about names or furniture or re educating myself about birth. I just cant be bothered. Now Im wondering if its actually because Im protecting myself incase the 12wk scan shows another angel or nothing at all, like last time? Which is silly because there was a baby there at ths 6 wk scan but I cant get that empty uterus image out of my head.
Not to mention how scared I am of there being some kind of "abnormality". I dont know if I have the means to care for a bub with a disabilty. I would love them to the ends of the earth, but I dont think we would manage financially, and mentally? I dunno. I think it would be too much for me. That sounds so horrible and selfish, I hope you get what I mean.
And Im still on blood patrol. Everytime I go to the bathroom I expect to be bleeding. Will that ever go away?
Am I making any sense? I dunno, maybe this should have been its own thread, sorry to be so negative. Ill get back in my box now...