Maddison - wow - 35 weeks. Hope you regular appointment goes well tomorrow and of course your scan. OMG a whole day antenatal class - no way I would have enough energy for that. I'll be thinking of you. Take something to eat, just in case. Hmm Kit Kat sounds nice...
Audax - a couple of days behind is OK, so my Ob told me (I have been consistently 2 days behind what I thought it should be), so try not to worry. yay heartbeat!!
mummyof4 - welcome!!!! oh and the DTD - we didn't for AGES I think I was 12 weeks, but I also used the nausea excuse to cover up for my fear if DH thought I was being too paranoid! Oh and I think we've done it twice since the BFP. I told DH that he should be enjoying the break, because we both got to hate sex by the calendar when TTC. I guess we make up for it with a bit more intimacy in other ways, like just having more cuddles and kisses, which is nice.
Hi also to HPL, dory, maddison, and anyone else I missed!
question ladies, especially to those who this is their "first". People ask me "is this your first?" and I just always automatically say something like "I hope so" or, "the first this far". I just can't seem to spit out a straight "yes", the other is out before I know it, but then I think, well why should I just say yes, I mean I have been pregnant twice before, but yes, this will be my first baby, but then nothing really is definate, is it? I mean, i don't mean that I'm feeling particularly depressed or morbid, but things can and do (and have) gone wrong before, so it is just a fact that I am aware of. Does that make sense or do I sound - well morbid? Should I just smile sweetly and train myself to say "yes"?
Milly you beautiful girl, congrats on being 19 weeks. I dont think you should train yourself to say anything. What you say is perfect. The world needs to be educated on the truth behind miscarriage, so many believe that it shouldnt be that sad, or you didnt even know your angels so just have another one. I think the authenticity of your response is beautiful and is not morbd, its just real.
Love to you darlin girl, hope I can really join this thread soon .... iykwim ...
xxxxxx
Milly, my love, other milly is right. Don't train yourself to say anything. Everything you feel, say and do is OK
Last night we told the ILs over the phone, and they were talking about how amazing and beautiful the news was. And yeah, it is. But I sat there feeling really empty while they gushed. I don't know what it is - if it's fear, or dormant grief, or just massive apprehension.
The other thing that gets me is that they thought we wouldn't tell them until 12 weeks. This p!sses me off royally - last time we told them at 6 wks - why would we tell them then if we didn't feel like we'd get their support? Why should our history change anything?
So, yeah, milly, I am all about being completely honest in everything you say.
Says the girl who has no plans to tell her father of this pregnancy. But that's a whole other story.
Milly 5 - oh sweeite. This is such a hard journey. I agree with Milly ( hello sweetie, I like to see you pop in from time to time, you'll be in here all the time soon enough).
Often the simple answer is what we want to give, but for us there is no simple answer. The answer you give will also depend on how you are feeling at the time.
I too have fumbled around answers, and I still haven't really found a response that comes quickly to mind.
Somedays I am not strong enough to endure the questions from strangers if I say "No", so I say "Yes" and feel like I am being dishonest. Sometimes I can say "No, but I have miscarried previously" ( to avoid the inevitable question about ages gender etc if a simple No is given). Somedays I am as blunt as anything, and say " No, my other babies have died" and watch the face of the person I am talking to struggle to take in what I have said and how they should manage. Somtimes if I have been partiuclarly blunt I then feel guilty for being so blunt.
Ultimatelt the right answer is the one you give on any particular day. And babe, it's not morbid. It's tough. You're just trying to balance honouring your angels with perceived social norms.
For me this time around though, as I am pretty much sequestered from strangers, and everyone that needs to know does, so I am not faced with this issue as much. I suppose as the pregnancy progresses and I am showing more obviously rather than looking a bit like a fatty boomba, on my few outings strangers will ask. And I won't really be ready for it.
Just be true to how you are feeling when you are asked.
Audax - sweetie - I am so sorry that you had such an empty experience when you told the IL, but I understand how you feel. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but at least they gushed and were excited. It's even more lonely to be confronted with the opposite. It's nice that despite their own reservations ( which are evident in what they said about not expecting to be told until 12 weeks) that they were able to be excited for you. Probably too much given you said they were gushing. It doesn't take away the fact that it hurt you and annoyed you though huh? Our poor families, sometimes I feel mine are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
The decision to tell people is yours and you make it for very particular reasons, it's your perogative.
I have only ever really struggled once about whether to tell someone about my loss. In the year before I fell pregnant with Amelia ( 2008) I suffered a badly dislocated finger and went to see an Occuptational Therapist for "hand therapy" ( hee hee, that ALWAYS makes me giggle like a school girl). My last appointment was in September 08 before I went away to play rep sport and I wasn't pregnant then. Not long after Amelia had died, I was having trouble with my finger again and went to see the OT. We had always gotten on really well, and I knew she had been recently married, as her wedding plans took up a lot of time during our appointments. I had anticipated she would be pregnant and when I went in, she was. I was still shocked, and inevtitably we talked about her pregnancy and I asked her due date, which was a couple of weeks after Amelias. I said something like oh "so you'd be 20 weeks now?". She was genuinely surprised and said no one had ever been able to tell how far along she was before and wanted to know how I did it. I looked at her sweet little earnst face, and just thought, what do I say? In the end I thought I just can't burst her bubble, she was so blissfully happy, and I didn't want to make it about me. So I lied and said my friend was as far as long as she was. I remember feeling like I had disrespected Amelia, but now I remember the OT's innocence, and I couldn't bear to see her face change. I suppose that makes a lot of assumptions about her, but her expression, was just so earnst. What I wanted most was for my face to have that expression, a fruitless wish, but at least I can remember what her face now when I think of it.
Another time at work someone asked me about 4 months after Ameila died "Oh how's your baby?". God I almost fainted. It was so left field, as the person I was talking to was unlikely to have known I was pregnant as I wasn't showing and she had been away from work on maternity leave. I must have looked completely stunned and no doubt the colour drained from my face. Instead of telling her what had happened, I stammered out "Oh you must be thinking of my friend, people always get us confused, she has a little girl who's 2 and just had a little boy". I then scampered out of there, back to my office, and just couldn't stop crying. I ended up going home from work. I think it was the only true melt down that I had at work. There were others, but I was able to recover from them, but not this one.
The things from left field that people say, usually well intentioned, that just rock our world and make us feel so vulnerable and fragile and take us back almost instantly to the raw grief. I wonder if it will happen for the rest of our lives?
Anyway, better go, have really gone on for far too long... too much time on my hands.
Maddison - hope you appointment today goes well!
Laney - how are you doing? Have you heard who Michelle is doing?
Last edited by dory; April 15th, 2010 at 10:50 AM.
: typos
Hey girls. I have just had a shocker of a day. Went to get my bloods this morning and the collector collapsed my vein, so I started crying a little bit, and then when she was done I just went outside and sat in the gutter and cried some more. Spoke to my dad last night, and didn't tell him. He didn't manage very well last time, and I don't feel like I will ever be able to tell him.
I'm not excited. I seem to have no concept of there being a baby at the end of this.
Having never seen a heartbeat before, I'd built it up in my mind into this enormous, incredible, life-changing event. And now I've seen it, it actually hasn't reassured me at all. I can't relax. I'm so worried that I won't be able to bond with this baby because I don't believe it's actually there.
Audax honey you sound like your doing it tough at the moment, you poor thing having your vein collapsed and crying in the gutter I dont really know what i can say to help you get through those feelings but i can understand where your coming from. Everytime i seen a heartbeat i was completely reassured and thought i could stop stressing but it was always shortlived, a couple of days later i would be expecting the worst. Even now being 21 weeks i cant completely relax, it does get a little easier when you start feeling bubs move but then you stress when you dont feel it IYKWIM.
Sorry if i was rambling there for a bit but i hope that helps you out a little.
All i can say is try and enjoy every minute and i know you will have your little bundle of joy in roughly 30 weeks time. Take care honey
Hello to everyone else, hope you are all doing well xxx
Audax sorry you are feeling like this but i totaly understand what you mean.. i cant see the baby at the end of this either iykwim
AFM i had my scan today, awesome heart beat (119Bpm) but bub is measuring a whole week behind.... just slightly stressed about that... i doubt i got a BFP at 7 DPO and my HCG levels i had 2 weeks ago put me somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks so taht fits with my dates... 7 weeks 3 days but the scan is saying 6 weeks 2 days arghhh the scan was ment to make things easier not more stressful.
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yay heartbeat!!
oh and the DTD - we didn't for AGES I think I was 12 weeks, but I also used the nausea excuse to cover up for my fear if DH thought I was being too paranoid! Oh and I think we've done it twice since the BFP. I told DH that he should be enjoying the break, because we both got to hate sex by the calendar when TTC. I guess we make up for it with a bit more intimacy in other ways, like just having more cuddles and kisses, which is nice.
I dont really know what i can say to help you get through those feelings but i can understand where your coming from. Everytime i seen a heartbeat i was completely reassured and thought i could stop stressing but it was always shortlived, a couple of days later i would be expecting the worst. Even now being 21 weeks i cant completely relax, it does get a little easier when you start feeling bubs move but then you stress when you dont feel it IYKWIM.
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