Milly you beautiful girl, congrats on being 19 weeks. I dont think you should train yourself to say anything. What you say is perfect. The world needs to be educated on the truth behind miscarriage, so many believe that it shouldnt be that sad, or you didnt even know your angels so just have another one. I think the authenticity of your response is beautiful and is not morbd, its just real.
Love to you darlin girl, hope I can really join this thread soon .... iykwim ...
xxxxxx
Milly, my love, other milly is right. Don't train yourself to say anything. Everything you feel, say and do is OK
Last night we told the ILs over the phone, and they were talking about how amazing and beautiful the news was. And yeah, it is. But I sat there feeling really empty while they gushed. I don't know what it is - if it's fear, or dormant grief, or just massive apprehension.
The other thing that gets me is that they thought we wouldn't tell them until 12 weeks. This p!sses me off royally - last time we told them at 6 wks - why would we tell them then if we didn't feel like we'd get their support? Why should our history change anything?
So, yeah, milly, I am all about being completely honest in everything you say.
Says the girl who has no plans to tell her father of this pregnancy. But that's a whole other story.
Milly 5 - oh sweeite. This is such a hard journey. I agree with Milly ( hello sweetie, I like to see you pop in from time to time, you'll be in here all the time soon enough).
Often the simple answer is what we want to give, but for us there is no simple answer. The answer you give will also depend on how you are feeling at the time.
I too have fumbled around answers, and I still haven't really found a response that comes quickly to mind.
Somedays I am not strong enough to endure the questions from strangers if I say "No", so I say "Yes" and feel like I am being dishonest. Sometimes I can say "No, but I have miscarried previously" ( to avoid the inevitable question about ages gender etc if a simple No is given). Somedays I am as blunt as anything, and say " No, my other babies have died" and watch the face of the person I am talking to struggle to take in what I have said and how they should manage. Somtimes if I have been partiuclarly blunt I then feel guilty for being so blunt.
Ultimatelt the right answer is the one you give on any particular day. And babe, it's not morbid. It's tough. You're just trying to balance honouring your angels with perceived social norms.
For me this time around though, as I am pretty much sequestered from strangers, and everyone that needs to know does, so I am not faced with this issue as much. I suppose as the pregnancy progresses and I am showing more obviously rather than looking a bit like a fatty boomba, on my few outings strangers will ask. And I won't really be ready for it.
Just be true to how you are feeling when you are asked.
Audax - sweetie - I am so sorry that you had such an empty experience when you told the IL, but I understand how you feel. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but at least they gushed and were excited. It's even more lonely to be confronted with the opposite. It's nice that despite their own reservations ( which are evident in what they said about not expecting to be told until 12 weeks) that they were able to be excited for you. Probably too much given you said they were gushing. It doesn't take away the fact that it hurt you and annoyed you though huh? Our poor families, sometimes I feel mine are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
The decision to tell people is yours and you make it for very particular reasons, it's your perogative.
I have only ever really struggled once about whether to tell someone about my loss. In the year before I fell pregnant with Amelia ( 2008) I suffered a badly dislocated finger and went to see an Occuptational Therapist for "hand therapy" ( hee hee, that ALWAYS makes me giggle like a school girl). My last appointment was in September 08 before I went away to play rep sport and I wasn't pregnant then. Not long after Amelia had died, I was having trouble with my finger again and went to see the OT. We had always gotten on really well, and I knew she had been recently married, as her wedding plans took up a lot of time during our appointments. I had anticipated she would be pregnant and when I went in, she was. I was still shocked, and inevtitably we talked about her pregnancy and I asked her due date, which was a couple of weeks after Amelias. I said something like oh "so you'd be 20 weeks now?". She was genuinely surprised and said no one had ever been able to tell how far along she was before and wanted to know how I did it. I looked at her sweet little earnst face, and just thought, what do I say? In the end I thought I just can't burst her bubble, she was so blissfully happy, and I didn't want to make it about me. So I lied and said my friend was as far as long as she was. I remember feeling like I had disrespected Amelia, but now I remember the OT's innocence, and I couldn't bear to see her face change. I suppose that makes a lot of assumptions about her, but her expression, was just so earnst. What I wanted most was for my face to have that expression, a fruitless wish, but at least I can remember what her face now when I think of it.
Another time at work someone asked me about 4 months after Ameila died "Oh how's your baby?". God I almost fainted. It was so left field, as the person I was talking to was unlikely to have known I was pregnant as I wasn't showing and she had been away from work on maternity leave. I must have looked completely stunned and no doubt the colour drained from my face. Instead of telling her what had happened, I stammered out "Oh you must be thinking of my friend, people always get us confused, she has a little girl who's 2 and just had a little boy". I then scampered out of there, back to my office, and just couldn't stop crying. I ended up going home from work. I think it was the only true melt down that I had at work. There were others, but I was able to recover from them, but not this one.
The things from left field that people say, usually well intentioned, that just rock our world and make us feel so vulnerable and fragile and take us back almost instantly to the raw grief. I wonder if it will happen for the rest of our lives?
Anyway, better go, have really gone on for far too long... too much time on my hands.
Maddison - hope you appointment today goes well!
Laney - how are you doing? Have you heard who Michelle is doing?
Last edited by dory; April 15th, 2010 at 10:50 AM.
: typos
Hey girls. I have just had a shocker of a day. Went to get my bloods this morning and the collector collapsed my vein, so I started crying a little bit, and then when she was done I just went outside and sat in the gutter and cried some more. Spoke to my dad last night, and didn't tell him. He didn't manage very well last time, and I don't feel like I will ever be able to tell him.
I'm not excited. I seem to have no concept of there being a baby at the end of this.
Having never seen a heartbeat before, I'd built it up in my mind into this enormous, incredible, life-changing event. And now I've seen it, it actually hasn't reassured me at all. I can't relax. I'm so worried that I won't be able to bond with this baby because I don't believe it's actually there.
Audax honey you sound like your doing it tough at the moment, you poor thing having your vein collapsed and crying in the gutter I dont really know what i can say to help you get through those feelings but i can understand where your coming from. Everytime i seen a heartbeat i was completely reassured and thought i could stop stressing but it was always shortlived, a couple of days later i would be expecting the worst. Even now being 21 weeks i cant completely relax, it does get a little easier when you start feeling bubs move but then you stress when you dont feel it IYKWIM.
Sorry if i was rambling there for a bit but i hope that helps you out a little.
All i can say is try and enjoy every minute and i know you will have your little bundle of joy in roughly 30 weeks time. Take care honey
Hello to everyone else, hope you are all doing well xxx
Audax sorry you are feeling like this but i totaly understand what you mean.. i cant see the baby at the end of this either iykwim
AFM i had my scan today, awesome heart beat (119Bpm) but bub is measuring a whole week behind.... just slightly stressed about that... i doubt i got a BFP at 7 DPO and my HCG levels i had 2 weeks ago put me somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks so taht fits with my dates... 7 weeks 3 days but the scan is saying 6 weeks 2 days arghhh the scan was ment to make things easier not more stressful.
Audax TBH I don't think it does get easier, at least not in the beginning. I needed to find way of managing the anxiety cos it never went away. So going for walks, relaxation CDs, journalling, talking it out, BB all helped and still help. Like eliselouise said, the relief after seeing or hearing the HB only lasts a few days befroe the fear comes back. And god forbid there's spotting or cramping or the symptoms fade, cos then it can cause a major panic attack!
Darl, it was just last week at nearly 20wks that I was crying on the lounge being held by DH cos I hadn't felt bub move and I was dreading this week's scan. Well I first felt bub for sure on Saturday morning. Then nothing until Tuesday, so I went into the scan sure something was wrong, but there was our bub with a little HB and everything looked normal. And i finally felt him/her again later that afternoon. Yesterday I felt bub move at least 3 times and the relief and joy is amazing, but it's taken til 21wks to get here.
It's not fair, but once we've gone through a loss, the innocence is gone. Also, reading about others' losses can increase the anxiety, cos then we never feel 100% safe. The other things i stopped doing in order to reduce the fear included not reading stories of loss. I also stopped having my betas and progesterone measured, because I kept freaking out each time I had a blood test or went in for the results. It's a bit like PTSD. i was actually in the waiting room for the GP before getting the test result, but my mind was back in the hospital theatre just before the D&C. I was a wreck and my BP went through the roof - not good for bub. I concluded that it was better for me and better for bub if I just stuck my head in the sand and hoped for the best, because what I was doing wasn't helping.
Sorry for the novel, but I hope you know what you're going through is totally normal. Your job is to learn to manage the stress as best you can, knowing that any number of things will trigger it. It will get better the further along you go, but I don't think the stress ever competely goes until bub is born safe and well.
As for bonding, don't beat yourself up about it. Send bub lots of positive thoughts and love when you're upset, so they know you're OK, but otherwise try not to worry. They are well protected in there. TBH, I'm only just feeling I can start "bonding" now I can feel bub move, but even then it still feels a bit weird atm. I'm not going to push it - it will come.
mummyof4 - remember scans don't have a great accuracy - at the early stage it can be 5-7 days either side.
I hope everyone else is well. I don't have as much access as before - seems that work have blocked BB Must have been overdoing it, so I can only post from home.
dory - you always say the most beautiful things. thank-you for sharing your thoughts And not telling the therapist, I don't think you were dishonering Amelia. When I first went for my HCG blood test with this pg, I was so nervous, so scared, and on the verge of tears. The girl taking my blood was also in the early stage of pg, only about 8 or 9 weeks I think it was. She was trying to be all happy and excited for me, and all I did was talk about my losses. She even mentioned she was excited about her scan, and I just blurted out (I am so ashamed to say this ) but I told her how with our last one we had the scan and everything was fine, saw the heartbeat and all, and then lost it the next day. It wasn't that I meant to shatter her world, I think I just needed to tell someone, and have them try to understand why I was so scared. A newly pregnant perfect stranger wasn't the right person though. I wish I could apologise to that girl, I really do. I so respect that you were able to "maintain the innocence" of your occupational therapist.
Audax - I can so relate to what you are going through hon, truly! I didn't even believe I was pg until at least 13 weeks, despite vomiting several times a day. I mean, yes, I'm pg, but is there a real baby in there, a real one? I have only just begun to feel like it is real, but even last week still had a HUGE panic about not feeling movement. All the things tashybabe suggested I would agree with to help try and reduce the "stress", though it's not easy. I am sure that when you have a huge bump and feel some movement, that you will begin to feel a bit more confident (unfortunatley, you have a few more stressful weeks to get through yet!). And I am sure the bonding will come naturally, after all, your bub will be much prized and loved when s/he arrives
Mummyof4 - like tashy said, scans can be fairly inaccurate, especially early.
elsielousie, tashybabe and anyone else I've missed - hello!!
Well, I'm now about to be a hypocrite - after telling everyone else not to worry, here's my latest bout of self-punishment: I was looking on at some websites today, and reading that 20 weeks is counted as "very premature delivery" not a m/c, even though they can't do anything at that point. And I started having another panic, imagining the worst - thinking things like we would have to have a name and a funeral and I would be in "labour" not a "m/c" and somehow it then became even more scary. Of course I then found as many stories of very premature delivery and stillbirth as I could, just because I wasn't feeling bad enough. My heart truly goes out to those of you who had late losses. I thought 9 weeks was bad enough, I can't imagine the devestation you must have gone through. Dory and mummyof4, you are both incredible, and if I could give you the biggest hugs right now, I would. I truly wish you both the absolute best with your pg, and I know it won't remove your losses, but I do hope your bubs bring you some peace and lots of joy.
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I dont really know what i can say to help you get through those feelings but i can understand where your coming from. Everytime i seen a heartbeat i was completely reassured and thought i could stop stressing but it was always shortlived, a couple of days later i would be expecting the worst. Even now being 21 weeks i cant completely relax, it does get a little easier when you start feeling bubs move but then you stress when you dont feel it IYKWIM.
TBH I don't think it does get easier, at least not in the beginning. I needed to find way of managing the anxiety cos it never went away. So going for walks, relaxation CDs, journalling, talking it out, BB all helped and still help. Like eliselouise said, the relief after seeing or hearing the HB only lasts a few days befroe the fear comes back. And god forbid there's spotting or cramping or the symptoms fade, cos then it can cause a major panic attack!
Must have been overdoing it, so I can only post from home.
And not telling the therapist, I don't think you were dishonering Amelia. When I first went for my HCG blood test with this pg, I was so nervous, so scared, and on the verge of tears. The girl taking my blood was also in the early stage of pg, only about 8 or 9 weeks I think it was. She was trying to be all happy and excited for me, and all I did was talk about my losses. She even mentioned she was excited about her scan, and I just blurted out (I am so ashamed to say this
I wish I could apologise to that girl, I really do. I so respect that you were able to "maintain the innocence" of your occupational therapist.
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