Audax sorry you are feeling like this but i totaly understand what you mean.. i cant see the baby at the end of this either iykwim
AFM i had my scan today, awesome heart beat (119Bpm) but bub is measuring a whole week behind.... just slightly stressed about that... i doubt i got a BFP at 7 DPO and my HCG levels i had 2 weeks ago put me somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks so taht fits with my dates... 7 weeks 3 days but the scan is saying 6 weeks 2 days arghhh the scan was ment to make things easier not more stressful.
Audax TBH I don't think it does get easier, at least not in the beginning. I needed to find way of managing the anxiety cos it never went away. So going for walks, relaxation CDs, journalling, talking it out, BB all helped and still help. Like eliselouise said, the relief after seeing or hearing the HB only lasts a few days befroe the fear comes back. And god forbid there's spotting or cramping or the symptoms fade, cos then it can cause a major panic attack!
Darl, it was just last week at nearly 20wks that I was crying on the lounge being held by DH cos I hadn't felt bub move and I was dreading this week's scan. Well I first felt bub for sure on Saturday morning. Then nothing until Tuesday, so I went into the scan sure something was wrong, but there was our bub with a little HB and everything looked normal. And i finally felt him/her again later that afternoon. Yesterday I felt bub move at least 3 times and the relief and joy is amazing, but it's taken til 21wks to get here.
It's not fair, but once we've gone through a loss, the innocence is gone. Also, reading about others' losses can increase the anxiety, cos then we never feel 100% safe. The other things i stopped doing in order to reduce the fear included not reading stories of loss. I also stopped having my betas and progesterone measured, because I kept freaking out each time I had a blood test or went in for the results. It's a bit like PTSD. i was actually in the waiting room for the GP before getting the test result, but my mind was back in the hospital theatre just before the D&C. I was a wreck and my BP went through the roof - not good for bub. I concluded that it was better for me and better for bub if I just stuck my head in the sand and hoped for the best, because what I was doing wasn't helping.
Sorry for the novel, but I hope you know what you're going through is totally normal. Your job is to learn to manage the stress as best you can, knowing that any number of things will trigger it. It will get better the further along you go, but I don't think the stress ever competely goes until bub is born safe and well.
As for bonding, don't beat yourself up about it. Send bub lots of positive thoughts and love when you're upset, so they know you're OK, but otherwise try not to worry. They are well protected in there. TBH, I'm only just feeling I can start "bonding" now I can feel bub move, but even then it still feels a bit weird atm. I'm not going to push it - it will come.
mummyof4 - remember scans don't have a great accuracy - at the early stage it can be 5-7 days either side.
I hope everyone else is well. I don't have as much access as before - seems that work have blocked BB Must have been overdoing it, so I can only post from home.
dory - you always say the most beautiful things. thank-you for sharing your thoughts And not telling the therapist, I don't think you were dishonering Amelia. When I first went for my HCG blood test with this pg, I was so nervous, so scared, and on the verge of tears. The girl taking my blood was also in the early stage of pg, only about 8 or 9 weeks I think it was. She was trying to be all happy and excited for me, and all I did was talk about my losses. She even mentioned she was excited about her scan, and I just blurted out (I am so ashamed to say this ) but I told her how with our last one we had the scan and everything was fine, saw the heartbeat and all, and then lost it the next day. It wasn't that I meant to shatter her world, I think I just needed to tell someone, and have them try to understand why I was so scared. A newly pregnant perfect stranger wasn't the right person though. I wish I could apologise to that girl, I really do. I so respect that you were able to "maintain the innocence" of your occupational therapist.
Audax - I can so relate to what you are going through hon, truly! I didn't even believe I was pg until at least 13 weeks, despite vomiting several times a day. I mean, yes, I'm pg, but is there a real baby in there, a real one? I have only just begun to feel like it is real, but even last week still had a HUGE panic about not feeling movement. All the things tashybabe suggested I would agree with to help try and reduce the "stress", though it's not easy. I am sure that when you have a huge bump and feel some movement, that you will begin to feel a bit more confident (unfortunatley, you have a few more stressful weeks to get through yet!). And I am sure the bonding will come naturally, after all, your bub will be much prized and loved when s/he arrives
Mummyof4 - like tashy said, scans can be fairly inaccurate, especially early.
elsielousie, tashybabe and anyone else I've missed - hello!!
Well, I'm now about to be a hypocrite - after telling everyone else not to worry, here's my latest bout of self-punishment: I was looking on at some websites today, and reading that 20 weeks is counted as "very premature delivery" not a m/c, even though they can't do anything at that point. And I started having another panic, imagining the worst - thinking things like we would have to have a name and a funeral and I would be in "labour" not a "m/c" and somehow it then became even more scary. Of course I then found as many stories of very premature delivery and stillbirth as I could, just because I wasn't feeling bad enough. My heart truly goes out to those of you who had late losses. I thought 9 weeks was bad enough, I can't imagine the devestation you must have gone through. Dory and mummyof4, you are both incredible, and if I could give you the biggest hugs right now, I would. I truly wish you both the absolute best with your pg, and I know it won't remove your losses, but I do hope your bubs bring you some peace and lots of joy.
Audax - Oh sweetie. Pregnancy after loss is an incredibly hard journey. Unimaginably so. We all find our own way through the unimaginable. I think I am lucky because I am so stubborn I am determined to make the most of this pregnancy, however long I have. I am seriously stubborn. Also I might be assisted by my personality in addition to my stubborness. I can't really add too much beyond what Tash said ( wise one
My friends daughter couldn't even acknowledge her most recent pregnancy. At scans she would not look and refused to accept anyone telling her the baby was ok. I just feel so much for her. The pain and fear she held through that pregnancy. But then bubs came, and my friend says she's fine, bonded and doing well.
You will find your way. Don't feel bad or guilty about how you feel, it is what it is. If how you feel actually worries you a lot, maybe go see a cousellor?
How to get through it? When I was really scared at the begining, I would put my hands on my belly and just talk to my baby, about my fears and dreams. I still do it. It helps me in two ways - to get them out and to actually hear them, and to have some physical connection with bubs. It's a bit easier now to feel that connection as I am pretty sure I am getting a baby bump and not a lazy bump. I also journal. A lot of the ways I would usually deal with anxiety I can't access in this pregnancy - exercise, hard exercise, going out, going to work and getting lost in other people's problems. But I spend A LOT of time on BB and it helps.
How you doing today?
Milly5 - oh sweetie. I know how you feel, so desperate for people to actually understand, to feel an inkling of what you do. But you kow what? You don't have to justify yourself, not to anyone. You did what you needed to do at the time. To be honest, I don't think the young girl would have been too worried by it. When I was pregnany with Amelia, I hardly gave any thought that what happened to my friend ( whose son was stillborn on the eve before his EDD) would happen to me, even though I had already had a m/c. The pysche is weird sometimes.
Milly, some things are unimaginable until you experience them. Thankyou for your kind words, they are truly touching. In all honesty? I feel privileged and honoured to have given birth to Amelia and Sophie and to have been in labour. Desipite the heartbreaking circumstances, it is truly a wonderous and amazing experience, including the pain.The pain is not something I could have ever anticipated nor my reaction to it. But it's a journey I went on with the help of my babies. I have a very real connection with all of my babies as result, even wee Nicholas. I feel like a mother, to my very essence I know I am a mother. I have never felt such love nor such pain. I was scared beyond belief when I went into labour with Amelia, particualrly when it became evident the progress of the labour could not be stopped and labour itself was imminent. But my wonderful obstetrician prepared me for every step and stage along the way in such a gentle way for Ameila. Luckily, because we didn't get that with Sophie and DH and I were pretty much on our own, our Ob wasn't on call that night, but we were both much more aware of the process and what we might expect from each other. Just a busy night in the hospital that night.
In amongst all the heartache, I know I have truly been blessed.
The definition of prematurity varies from state to state. In Qld its 20 weeks, so that means for legal purposes the baby has been born and there are various consequences that flow from your baby having a legal status. It does mean funeral arrangments, and baby bonus( that feels wrong, money for death). Wow, the funeral - that is really hard, really really hard. But for me, having a birth certificate and a funeral made me feel as if Amelia "counted" to the world and was recognised as such. It helped me make sense of it, that someone who was so important to me was also recognised officially by the world at large. And having already felt those things, it was much automatic to feel that was for Nicholas and Sophie, who didn't get legal status. I suppose it just really helped me in my grief journey. Yes at times some of those things were really, no exceptionally confronting and I didn't want to have to think about it, and was agnry that I was forced to think about them, but for me, ultimately it helped. Might not help for everyone though.
Tash - I have this interest, bordering on obsession at finding out about other later losses. For a while it just sent me into despair, and it also makes me more aware of the possibilities, but it also gives me, in some bizzare twist, some hope. A lot of fear but also hope. I suppose at the end of the day, I just keep repeating to myself, I beleive.
Mo4 - sweetie. I don't know too much about it, but have been told a lot its hard to be too accurate in the early scans. Try not to worry too much, but if you are, call your Dr first thing on Monday.
Geez this is a damn tough journey. I wish, in a way that none of us were on it and we were none the wiser, blissfully ignorant of the heartache and fear. But then again, that would be too easy huh?
Take care everyone, and big positive belly rubs to all.
Hey ladies! sorry i dont have that much time but i will come back and do some more persies
i jsut want to say thank you to Milly for the kind words. Likd Dory said somethings in life are honestly incomprehesible until they happen to you. I always knew that bad things sometimes happened to babies but i never knew they could happen to my Babies.
Kyarna was born at 18 weeks so in WA she was actually concidered a miscarriage. We didnt get a birth Certificate or a death certificate. we were not able to have a formal funeral and every time the Ob spoke about our little girl he reminded us that she was a "baby" she was a fetus ( i think that was the hardest part.) but i did give birth to her. i did labour for 10 hours and i felt sooooo ripped off that she was not recognised. I told my DH that i dont even want a scan until after 20 weeks this time because if anything happens then we will get to recoginse this bub. sounds totaly stupid but it is how i felt at the time... doubt i will be able to last another 13 weeks without a scan now tho lol
the way i think of it tho is taht every single little angel lost is a life and they all deserve to be recognised no matter how far along you were.
sorry i know its probably way off track lol but once i get started sometimes i forget were i was going lol
anyway like i said i will come back later!!
Bobbie XOXO
I just wanteds to start the week off by saying I am thinking of you all and sending big belly rubs -
Mo4 - No way I could wait that long, but I do understand. Imagine being one of those women who "discover" you are pregnant at 20 weeks - the good thing about that? Only 20 weeks tops of worry!
Audax - how are you doing? Has your fear peaked and now coming down? I hope so. I agree that its not always entirely reassuring, but its just practice.... I am lucky that my Ob has helped me learn to savour the moment. The look of just pure delight on his face when he hears the heartbeat( or comments on the emerging bump or the fundus height) is just infectious, and often enough to overcome my numbness and fear so I too can feel the hope. Bless that man. It doesn't take way the fear or anxiety, but in that moment, there is some peace and there is hope. I think in this journey, for me to stay sane, I have to try and grab the better moments with both hands and refuse to let them go. Big hugs.
Laney - are you in here? Are you ok?
Milly5 - I just love watching your ticker..... I hope you've stopped scaring yourself!
Milly d - I am so proud of you, that you come in here, I know it must be hard. It's always nice to hear from you and you seem to have such a good way with words.
EliseLousie- how are you doing? 22 weeks! Awesome!
Tash - how are you doing? Bugger that work has cut off BB..... look forward to hearing from you when you do get access.
Maddison - how are you doing? 35 weeks now..... not long now. How was your scan? How was that ALL DAY ante natal class?
AFM - had a pretty anxious Friday and weekend. Didn't think I was feeling bubs move as much as usual, had some changes to my pregnancy symptoms. Tried to reassure myself with getting the cats to stand on my chest ( I know sounds weird), but ultimately it was my feeling bubs again that took the edge off and stopped me sliding down the precipice.
Feeling much better now and feeling a bit like a "survivor" after the weekend. Amazed and proud I made it through, but feeling a bit battered. Luckily today is a good day.
Hmm about the cat thing? I just have to explain. One of my furbabies loves to lie on my chest when I am lying down on my back. When he moves he just puts those little furry paws of his indiscriminately over my chest. Ok if I am not pregnant but pretty painful if I am. So somtimes if I am feeling anxious, I tempt him over for a cuddle and hope like hell it's going to hurt. Usually it does, so I guess we both win.
Fears not allayed. My progesterone is dropping, and has been all the way through. It's still normal, and in the 60s, but has droped from the 90s in the early days. One particularly annoying thing is that everyone is SO worried about my hCG after the molar, that they're not int he slightest bit fussed about any other aspect of the pregnancy.
Sorry, too distracted for persies. Hope you're all well.
Must have been overdoing it, so I can only post from home.
And not telling the therapist, I don't think you were dishonering Amelia. When I first went for my HCG blood test with this pg, I was so nervous, so scared, and on the verge of tears. The girl taking my blood was also in the early stage of pg, only about 8 or 9 weeks I think it was. She was trying to be all happy and excited for me, and all I did was talk about my losses. She even mentioned she was excited about her scan, and I just blurted out (I am so ashamed to say this 
I wish I could apologise to that girl, I really do. I so respect that you were able to "maintain the innocence" of your occupational therapist. 
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