Ganging up on DH to use a doula

[Tobily]

Good for you that you really understand this time what you're going to need, and for understanding that your DH has limitations in being able to give it. It's not uncommon as you can imagine!

As a doula I'd be uncomfortable if a mum wanted to book me while dad was not on board. If he was kind of indifferent, ok because usually those dads warm to the idea as they get to know you. But a dad that's against it altogether is going to make things tough.

Would he consider meeting the doula, just as a no obligation sort of proposition? Most doulas have had to reassure and explain ourselves to dads and are pretty good at it Alot of times the resistance just comes from their really wanting to be there for you, and really wanting to help and not wanting anyone to tread on that. They worry that a doula will take over, exclude them, make them look dumb, or feel like a third wheel. I reckon this is where the resistance comes from 99.9% of the time - then they just use the cost as a convenient cover up lol.

Something else that might be worthwhile is if you ask the doula you're talking with if she knows of any dads she has previously worked with who would be happy to talk to him. Another man might be able to allay some of his worries better. Most dads, after the birth are pretty damn grateful and happy for the doula and hearing from one how it helped him to know what to do, helped him to be more involved may be the ticket.

Good luck at least you still have a little while to work on him

[Beach Mama]

SamiH - Thanks so much for posting! Will b watching as Im in a similar boat, basically that we want a VBAC and I am having a doula(note it's not a maybe!!) It is hard, DH thinks that if we are determined enough about it all that will be enough but I know it won't be at the time.
I love the suggestions that Flea has given and I might try to get a doula here for a no obligation chat to see if she can help me convince him!

[belfie]

Hey Sam,

Congrats on the second tri

I was in the same boat but for different reasons. This will be our first birth, and I when I mentioned it, DH was a bit like... WTF? You've got me! I honestly think he thought this was another PG-crazy moment, and really do you NEED to find something new to spend $$ on???

In further discussion, he said he was worried he would feel marginalised. I raised this in one of the forums about doula's and got some fabulous responses, including one DH's comments about using a doula, which was greatly appreciated. When I gave that to DH to read, it seemed to have a big impact. He's a worrier - and our m/c followed by a crazy first tri has him convinced he needs to wrap me in cotton wool!!! Which is very sweet, but I can imagine him feeling REALLY scared/worried/stressed during birth, but being awfully busy trying to be my superman (which of course he is regardless). I must admit, I also used the scenario of.. what if it's a long labour? You're gonna need to have toilet breaks... eat & drink yourself... I need someone to support you to support me... so to speak. I think talking of the possible practicalities made it less threatening... less about some huge girly connection (assuming the doula was going to be female) that would exclude him, and more about practical support.

We're going to meet with as many doulas as we need to see what we think - I've said that's it, this is important to me and I want one... BUT we both have to feel comfortable with the one we go with. I must say, I think the most useful thing in convincing him was a) my conviction and b) seeing other male's points of view.

Good luck, let us know how you go!

Cheers,
Belfie.

[SamiH]

Thank you ladies

Tobily - good suggestions!!! - much appreciated - I would never really just do it unless he was at least half way in with the idea . Just frustrating too cos I can't get out and express my deep sense of fear that something will happen, until bubs is born safe and sound and in my arms.

I want a doula for the right reasons I think - exactly to give him the encouragement and support he needs to better support me through labour - hopefully not too long 3rd time round I tend to vague out and really focus inwardly, so I think it might be perceived as disconnecting from him - but it is the only way I can get through the pain and contractions (why am I doing this again??? LOL)

Tanstar & Belfie - I will have a look at that thread Belfie - sure Tanstar will too now!

Ok, a chat on the weekend.

One comment did frighten me from the couple of doulas I have spoken too - that at the hospital at that baby boom time of year (HUH?? IS IT??) the midwives would welcome and appreciate a women who brings her own doula ..... scared me - I don't wanna give birth on a ward!!

[Tobily]

One comment did frighten me from the couple of doulas I have spoken too - that at the hospital at that baby boom time of year (HUH?? IS IT??) the midwives would welcome and appreciate a women who brings her own doula ..... scared me - I don't wanna give birth on a ward!!

Spring time dear! Lots of babies come in spring

I think what they mean is that the midwives would appreciate the doula because then they can just take care of the medical stuff and know that emotionally you're being well looked after

[SamiH]

I didn't even think of that! Didn't plan for spring, just happened that way.

Well I am even more sold now - and i just had DH read that thread belfie - I think it is sneaking up on him ... hehehehe.

[BellyBelly]

All the New Years babies