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Thread: Ganging up on DH to use a doula

  1. #1

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    Default Ganging up on DH to use a doula

    Hi everyone

    Firstly - I am so excited to do my very first post in second trimester discussion wooohoooo

    Now, down to business with y query

    Past two births DH has been my only support person. I live away from all family and my mother is sadly deceased (she would have been the BEST). My bestie is having a baby herself early July and has already said she would look after my other two.



    My DH is a practical person ah hum, but I felt he wasn't able to anticipate or assist in my labour, which of course made me more stressed, he was more a spectator. EG first bub, waters broken holy cow here are the contractions all in my hips, honey please rub!!! - ok, after 2 minutes, my hands are sore and tired, honey the fetal monitor going crazy run and get a midwife wanna make sure bubs ok - don't worry they will come in soon and check - second bub - honey turn off that music, I don't wanna listen to it, can you tell the midwife I want some gas - NOW - nope, he waited until they came in - (frown) well what am I going to do ???!!!!

    Please don't take this as him not caring, because he soooo does, and that is exactly why I have never spoken critically of this to him before, just joked.

    Now - this time around after have a couple of losses, I do want that support at the end as well, due to sheer worry (unfounded but still there ) - without having to worry about the the response or lack of. So, I chatted to him about a doula which I REALLY want this time around. He said now I had bought this all to his attention and using it as leverage to get someone else involved (uh oh) and the $950 cost, he will try and do more. This wasn't the response I thought I would get - and I know he hasn't got that emotional stuff in him to last through a labour - comes from his family background blah blah and non-maternal mum having 5 kids and working to make ends meet etc - and I so get it.

    So, my questions to all you lovely ladies - what would you do from here to persuade him that I am trying to value add to the birth, not focus on anything he previously did (or didn't) do??? Sometimes I am even tempted just to book the one I have been talking too - but I REALLY want him as involved as he can be.

    Thanks for reading and in anticipation of any advice. Ugh, men ...

    Sam

  2. #2

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    Good for you that you really understand this time what you're going to need, and for understanding that your DH has limitations in being able to give it. It's not uncommon as you can imagine!

    As a doula I'd be uncomfortable if a mum wanted to book me while dad was not on board. If he was kind of indifferent, ok because usually those dads warm to the idea as they get to know you. But a dad that's against it altogether is going to make things tough.

    Would he consider meeting the doula, just as a no obligation sort of proposition? Most doulas have had to reassure and explain ourselves to dads and are pretty good at it Alot of times the resistance just comes from their really wanting to be there for you, and really wanting to help and not wanting anyone to tread on that. They worry that a doula will take over, exclude them, make them look dumb, or feel like a third wheel. I reckon this is where the resistance comes from 99.9% of the time - then they just use the cost as a convenient cover up lol.

    Something else that might be worthwhile is if you ask the doula you're talking with if she knows of any dads she has previously worked with who would be happy to talk to him. Another man might be able to allay some of his worries better. Most dads, after the birth are pretty damn grateful and happy for the doula and hearing from one how it helped him to know what to do, helped him to be more involved may be the ticket.

    Good luck at least you still have a little while to work on him

  3. #3

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    SamiH - Thanks so much for posting! Will b watching as Im in a similar boat, basically that we want a VBAC and I am having a doula(note it's not a maybe!!) It is hard, DH thinks that if we are determined enough about it all that will be enough but I know it won't be at the time.
    I love the suggestions that Flea has given and I might try to get a doula here for a no obligation chat to see if she can help me convince him!

  4. #4

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    Hey Sam,

    Congrats on the second tri

    I was in the same boat but for different reasons. This will be our first birth, and I when I mentioned it, DH was a bit like... WTF? You've got me! I honestly think he thought this was another PG-crazy moment, and really do you NEED to find something new to spend $$ on???

    In further discussion, he said he was worried he would feel marginalised. I raised this in one of the forums about doula's and got some fabulous responses, including one DH's comments about using a doula, which was greatly appreciated. When I gave that to DH to read, it seemed to have a big impact. He's a worrier - and our m/c followed by a crazy first tri has him convinced he needs to wrap me in cotton wool!!! Which is very sweet, but I can imagine him feeling REALLY scared/worried/stressed during birth, but being awfully busy trying to be my superman (which of course he is regardless). I must admit, I also used the scenario of.. what if it's a long labour? You're gonna need to have toilet breaks... eat & drink yourself... I need someone to support you to support me... so to speak. I think talking of the possible practicalities made it less threatening... less about some huge girly connection (assuming the doula was going to be female) that would exclude him, and more about practical support.

    We're going to meet with as many doulas as we need to see what we think - I've said that's it, this is important to me and I want one... BUT we both have to feel comfortable with the one we go with. I must say, I think the most useful thing in convincing him was a) my conviction and b) seeing other male's points of view.

    Good luck, let us know how you go!

    Cheers,
    Belfie.

  5. #5

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    Thank you ladies

    Tobily - good suggestions!!! - much appreciated - I would never really just do it unless he was at least half way in with the idea . Just frustrating too cos I can't get out and express my deep sense of fear that something will happen, until bubs is born safe and sound and in my arms.

    I want a doula for the right reasons I think - exactly to give him the encouragement and support he needs to better support me through labour - hopefully not too long 3rd time round I tend to vague out and really focus inwardly, so I think it might be perceived as disconnecting from him - but it is the only way I can get through the pain and contractions (why am I doing this again??? LOL)

    Tanstar & Belfie - I will have a look at that thread Belfie - sure Tanstar will too now!

    Ok, a chat on the weekend.

    One comment did frighten me from the couple of doulas I have spoken too - that at the hospital at that baby boom time of year (HUH?? IS IT??) the midwives would welcome and appreciate a women who brings her own doula ..... scared me - I don't wanna give birth on a ward!!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by SamiH View Post
    One comment did frighten me from the couple of doulas I have spoken too - that at the hospital at that baby boom time of year (HUH?? IS IT??) the midwives would welcome and appreciate a women who brings her own doula ..... scared me - I don't wanna give birth on a ward!!
    Spring time dear! Lots of babies come in spring

    I think what they mean is that the midwives would appreciate the doula because then they can just take care of the medical stuff and know that emotionally you're being well looked after

  7. #7

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    I didn't even think of that! Didn't plan for spring, just happened that way.

    Well I am even more sold now - and i just had DH read that thread belfie - I think it is sneaking up on him ... hehehehe.

  8. #8

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    All the New Years babies
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  9. #9

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    Mmm New Years

    Sam, great to hear that thread was helpful. There were some wonderful helpful responses in there. My DH read it (suddenly I was thinking, oops did I say anything too awful about him? ) but it must have been ok, given he seems to have come around to my way of thinking...

  10. #10

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    Hey Kelly

    Not quite new years - anniversary bub I think 11/01


  11. #11

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    Well ladies I have hit a snag ... not the sensitive new age guy kind either

    DH has taken it personally and has given me a heartfelt undertaking he will try much harder and didn't realise he had been such a failure - which is what he heard, and sooooo NOT what I said.

    My sister in law (his older sister) is an experienced midwife of 13 or so years and she lives interstate. He did say he would have a chat to her about it - she works in a private hospital on the night shift so is often caring for a few extras at any one time.

    I hope she recommends a birth attendant - see what happens.

    Ho Hum ....!

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