Guilt over my own happiness...

[nicole_and_dan]

Hey everybody,
I have just returned from having my 20 week scan and all is well and bub is growing well and everything seems in the right place. I am assuming that I am having another girl due to the sonographer telling me that while she was checking out my bubba she quote "failed to see any boy parts". My biggest problem is that my brother and his wife just had to terminate a pregnancy at 13 weeks due to a massive cystic hygroma after concieving on their first attempt at IVF. I feel so guilty that I have been able to produce 2 and a half beautifully perfect babies without any trouble at all. I feel that I am being robbed of my right to happiness due to them being so glum about their situation. I understand that it would be horrible to go through, dont get me wrong, it just seems that since we found out about their baby that it has put a dampener on my baby even with my mother who somehow seemed more excited about their baby than mine to the extent that she hand stitched monograms onto sheets for their baby and I got nothing... oh wait she told me "you already have cot sheets". Sorry about the vent, I just feel blurgh...

Nicole

[Ginger]

hi nicole, i can sort of relate to your story- i have 2 close friends who are desperately ttc - going through the whole ivf thing etc. and it breaks my heart. i hated having to tell them i was pg, and i have to admit that cowardly i actually let one of them find out through someone else cos i couldn't tell her to her face. it's been very hard and i do carry a lot of guilt for how 'easy' concieving was for us. one of the couples actually told us not long ago that they were pg and we were so happy for them and making plans for how we could 'hang out together' with our bubs etc. then 2 days later she had a m/c. often i just don't know what to say, as i just feel like i have no right to even talk about it as i can't even begin to imagine what they're going through. it's sad for you that the focus, esp from your family, tends to be on them and not on your pg, just cos it's your 3rd. you really don't have anything to feel guilty about... it's just one of those things that's hard for everyone involved isn't it?? i definitely think you deserve some cot sheets though!

[SueB]

Hi Nicole ,

I'm glad your scan went well

It's horrible when you feel robbed of happiness , the day i rang to tell everyone i was expecting a few months ago,I got a very distressed call from my closest friend saying her partner had committed suicide. Although i was shocked and sad for the first few weeks i feel robbed as it's now my time to be happy but my friend is still mourning .

I am very happy now for the most part but am just aware of my friends feelings when i am around her.

Try not to worry about the sheet situation , although it seems harsh , i'm sure things may change when your beautiful baby is born ...

[Willow]

NIcole, I don't think anyone expects you not to be happy or to feel guilty hun. All I think any of us ask for is a bit of understanding and perhaps a bit of empathy - ask yourself how would you feel if you lost your baby? I'm sure it would be more than a little 'glum'.

I'm not having a dig at you, I've been in both situations and can see what you are saying, my best friend was struggling ttc with IVF when I fell prg with my DD, and now this time I had to use IVF to fall prg. Just trust me when I say it's harder sitting on this side of the fence.

I'm sure once the really intense part of the grieving process is over and your beautiful baby arrives everyone will be nothing but excited and happy for you.

[all girls]

There is no way i could ever imagine what it is like to lose a baby and i do sympathise with anyone that has unfortunately had to go through such a thing but i know exactly how you feel nicole.

I understand that losing a baby would make you resent pregnant people but the look and feel of utter hatred can be really hard to deal with, don't get me wrong i can see both sides and i know one side would be harder but the feeling is still pretty awful.

[nicole_and_dan]

Hey Everybody,
The whole situation just makes me so uncomfortable. I understand that they must be feeling so low right now and if it were me I would feel exactly the same. I dont know what to say and I feel guilty because of my healthy babies. I feel that the last things that they would want to hear from me is that it was for the best or you can try again. Im at a loss for words.

Nicole

[Nadine216]

I think you should just refrain form talking babies to them, iykwim. It's a very sad situation for them and I know you must know how they could be feeling. But you have every right to be happy about your bundle of joy coming, no need to be uncomfortable.
My SIL is also ttc for very long now and has finally saved up money for their first IVF and that was unsucessfull. Meanwhile I got pg after a month ttc and have a beautifull girl. And we are younger and was only married a year and a half. So I just did not talk to her about babies and when she asked how my pg was going (which she almost never did) I just told her that all is well. Even now with bubba, I don't talk to her about kids if she does not bring up the topic and then I don't really elaborate. I feel the trick lies in acting towards them as you would have like them to act towards you, if something like that happend to you. That way they would feel that you respect their situation (I know you do) and feel more open towards your pg. Always better to be the bigger person, imo.
Hope the rest of your pg is full of joy!

[hannahfroodoo]

Hi Nicole
Maybe you could just let them know that you understand that your pregnancy might be difficult for them. I think it is better to let people know that you are trying to understand and empathise than to ignore the issue. Of course, you need to be very sensitive and obviously not constantly gushing about baby and how wonderful it is (I know you wouldn't do that anyway). But I also think it would hurt if you excluded them completely from that part of your life by just avoiding the subject.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to them and say you can't imagine what they are going through but that you want to try and be there for them? Often people need a chance to talk about these things and to have a cry. It can be very sad to talk about babies but they might want to have a chance to do that. Just let their conversation and actions lead yours.

((hugs)) you don't need to feel guilty, just try and empathise and reach out to them however you can.

[Willow]

Nicole my best advice would be to just say something. The most painful experiences for me after we lost our baby was when people said nothing - I know it was because they didn't know what to say but to say nothing and pretend like I was never prg and my baby never existed hurt me terribly.

My own brother did this and it was a very painful thing for me to deal with. Funnily enough, my SIL was prg with my niece at the time too and do you know I didn't even think about that? It was totally insignificant to me or my loss or my baby. Didn't make me feel any better or any worse. She was apparently really funny about coming to see me and this upset me 100,000 times more than the fact that she was prg.

I think Hannahfroodoo has some great advice - follow their lead. If she asks about your pregnancy, then share it with her. If she doesn't, then she's not ready and find something else to talk about.

If you feel like you can't talk to them face to face (and I understand this, it's a very confronting situation) I would suggest sending them a nice card telling them that you acknowledge their loss and their grief and letting them know you are thinking of them and are there for them. That's all it takes.

Good lucky sweetie, I know it's not an easy situation.

[LuluHB]

I agree with Willow - you have to say something. I found one of the hardest things to cope with when I lost my angels was everybody else's reluctance to acknowledge their existence. It made me so angry. I know (now) that it was more a case of people not knowing what to say, but even a simple "I am so sorry you lost your baby" would have done wonders rather than people ignoring the subject completely and pretending like my pregnancies had never happened. I also know how it is to lose a baby and yet be surrounded by pregnant women - its really tough. You are in a difficult situation - you should rejoice in your own pregnancy and be allowed to do that, but you need to try to keep it in check with them. You may find that given time to heal, they will want to be more involved in your pregnancy, which is great. Just be prepared for them not to want to know about it too - after all, they'll be watching you and your DH go through a pregnancy knowing they should be going through the same experiences and emotions. Good luck.

[kirbstar23]

You really have to say something to them.... or send a nice card like willow suggested. That was you can write down what you want to say - and your acknowledging their situation.

I know from being on the same side as your SIL that it is extremely hard! My step sis in law was pregnant when i miscarried twice last yr. It was horrible. And she already had 3 girls... i felt totally guttered everytime i saw her or her children. Did she deserve them more than i did? I couldn't figure it out. I avoided any situation where i had to see her. I know it sound horrible... but i just couldn't be near her at all. Just before the baby was born i started to get more excited and warmed to her again. I think she understod and till this day has never questioned why i was funny about it!

The thing about the sheets... your mum would have been really excited about both of you being pregnant!
It's your Bro's 1st baby yeah? And your 3rd? I can pretty safely say your mum was totally stocked when you announced your 1st pregnancy - not to say that is any more special than any of your other children! But your mum is seeing it as something special for your bro! And it is!

I know Glenn and I are getting much more attention and money toward baby items right now than his SSIL(who is pregnant again with #5)... and it dosen't mean she loves us more than them. She's excited because it's our 1st and thier 5th. I dare say thats what was happening with your mum!

So darl... don't hide how happy you are. You deserve to be happy, just be a little sensitive to her feelings. She will get over the feelings she's having now and will love your little baby, it may even be a little extra sepcial to her once it's born!

Good Luck with it...

Love Kirby

[2 please]

WOW, I wish I had you to talk to a week ago. I have a friend who has lost their baby and I see her in playgroup every week. The whole playgroup gives me blunt replys whenever pregnancy is mentioned because they dont want to upset her. Im almost 20 weeks too and it is the most wonderful time with the ultrasound and the baby kicking, how can you not talk about it. The only way I delt with it is by cutting contact with them for awhile. Its hard, but its just too hard to deal with their problems when your homones make your stress even worse. I miscarried before this baby and I had a friend avoid me because her pregnancy worked out. I glad she did because it saved us both being uncomfortable. Just make sure they know you care about their loss. I think the card idea is great. Try to view from both sides of this situation, that helped me.

Im hearing ya. Try to keep talking to positive people in this chat room helps.

[nicole_and_dan]

Ok well I bit the bullet and spoke to her yesterday and it went better than I expected. She came around to see my mother and she was the one who broached the subject first, asking how my ultrasound went. I told her that everything was looking good and that it was a girl and she said that they will find out the results of the testing and the sex of their little one on Tuesday. I then told her that I was feeling rather guilty about my own bub being healthy, or more to the point, me not having the problems that they have faced and she said why? I was at a loss for words. She then said even though it was still heartbreaking to have lost their baby she said she wouldn't want me to feel bad because of my baby being healthy. I told her that I feel sad about their baby and that seemed to be enough. I also told her I didnt want to be one of those people that said "It's for the best" or "You can try again" and she said that she had already heard it and it doesnt make things any easier.

Nicole

[LadyRaven]

I'm glad things went well and that the subject was broached, must be a lot less stressful and make you both feel a lot better *hugs*

[Sequoia]

I'm glad you said something, saying nothing is possibly the worst thing I think.

Well done, I bet you feel better now that you have cleared the air.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

SG
x

[Willow]

Good on you for being so brave Nicole, it's not an easy conversation to have.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Hi Nicole,
I can't say i'm experiencing the same as you, but firstly i have to inform that whilst i am 18 wks pg, my dear mum, is 20 wks with twins.
M & Step-D were trying through IVF for more than 12mths so when they conceived, and miraculously ended up with identical twins they were very excited.
Mum's always been very open about mine and her sex life with me and used to joke with me about paying for my prescription just to make sure i was on the pill so she could have more babies first! So i was extremely panicked when i ended up pg and had to tell mum, with the worry of her losing the twins etc.
Mum's just had her 20wk scan on friday, & found out the the twins have the beginning of Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome . Obviously the sonographer didn't know a lot about the TTTS but from what i've researched it's highly dangerous, and if mum loses either or both of the babies, i'm going to feel like i've robbed her of something special. The thought of that makes me slightly weepy with guilt, because i know how much it means to her!
So, whilst not the same, and i'm not feeling left out of my parents/families/friends adorations, i'm more scared about my mum's pregnancy more than my own...