hi Sue, I don't have time for a lengthy reply right now, but I wonder if you'd benefit from some narrative counselling? It helps us to see event in our life from different angles, and rewrite the story of events so that they don't cause us so much pain. From your writing it sounds like there are phrases and concepts that are strongly held in your mind that are causing much pain & misery. Narrative counselling can help to unpack those words, phrases and interpretation of events and rebadge, rename and rewrite the story.
Counselling might also help you come to a place where you can forgive your son for the lies he told. It might seem impossible right now, but forgiveness is much better for your soul than bitterness, and a goal worth working towards. That's not to say it's easy, though. It takes a lot of strength and soul searching to forgive, but you'll be a happier and healthier person for it.
Re: being like your grandmother, by having healthy boundaries with your children, you can avoid that. Eg 'I will go to your engagement party but I will not pay for it' or 'I will support you as a parent but I am only available to babysit on Thursdays and Saturdays', that kind of thing. Also, remember that unconditional love allows us to give without expecting anything in return. Maybe this is what your grandmother was doing? So while in your eyes she was used and abused, in her own eyes she was just loving her daughter unconditionally, not expecting anything in return. When we can love unconditionally, we love the person, but we also release them of expectations. That doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be walked all over, it just means we are giving of ourselves, our time, our love, our support, without hope or agenda. To avoid over-giving in the name of unconditional love, you need to really sit down and think about what your boundaries are. What are you willing to give your children without any conditions attached?
It sounds like your situation is complex and very tough, so it's hard to respond well without knowing the full details. Nevertheless, every difficult situation is an opportunity for emotional growth. Just trying to point out some areas of potential growth. We can't change past events or control other people's behaviour, but we can choose how we repond to events and people, and the effect we allow those events and people to have on us. In the end, your happiness, even in a difficult situation, is up to you and what you choose to do.
My only other thought is, counselling will also help you process your thoughts about your damaged reputation, and assess how much of it is reality, and how much of it is your perception of other peoples thoughts and behaviour (sometimes we make up or magnify what other people think about us based on our own self talk). If after you go through that process, you realise that people actually do think bad things about you and behave dishonourably towards you, then you can choose to rebuild the relationship, or write them off as judgmental and not worth your efforts. If after going through that process you can't ignore it or rebuild your relationships with them, maybe then it would be worth considering moving and starting anew.
I hope something in there is useful and/or helpful. ((Hugs))
and i spent years doing all types of personal growth. so i am aware of all you say and i do have someone who sometimes works with me and yes spins things in a positive way or gives me better ways of looking at things. its a continuous work that never stops i agree.
At the same time
right now its time for me to not always put on hold my own life and needs for a bunch of kids and what they have created in my life. i have had my life on hold for 30 years while i raised them and was dragged through their issues.
for 3 decades i chased up the issues of them and of mine that they caused me
now its time to get to things that were on hold till then
like peace and quiet without always having extra appoitments which can be more of a stress than help at times
fun
work this is a huge priority for me years later
partners
friends
my own life
not always emotional things and dramas connected with my kids
not always working on self and issues
but also putting them aside and building my own life that was on hold for decades while i raised a bunch of high need kids.
my social life my work life my love life was on hold for way too long while i cared for them and got all types of emotional work to forgive understand grow etc. and its a lifelong task i know but its not my priority right now i have other priorities like keeping a roof on my head and doing other peaceful things for my life.
counselling is bloody draining and not always helpful enough. soemtimes its time for other things.
right now what i find is getting on with my life and seeing help when an issue comes up helps me best.
counsellors wouldnt even necesarily beleive what i have to say. i dont need all that.
i find it works for me better to put it aside, know i didnt deserve it and forcus on building what i need now 30 years later.
i will ask here and there someone helpful, when an issue comes up and i have some professionals who use various techniques i can try at times,
but i will no longer give my life for regular counselling and issues . i t sounds so elevated to always choose counselling as the answer, but sometimes its just not whats most helpful 30 years later after lots of personal growth and techniques.
i did so much for decades
it helped possibly, the most help came when my kids moved out , some at least
all the money and time i spent on my health emotional or physical didnt even help much, the thing that helped most was them moving out and me having a more humane workload.
personal growth took up hours of my time, i still am interested in it but it is not my life or priority
and now i find it much better to work earn think about other things not just mothering and the hell they put me thorugh,
and get on with what i can do today and not go over and over the issues which a counsellor may or may not be able to help me with.
been there done that for years. 3o years later its time for something differnt and i find that works much better fo rme.
but the point is taken. i think about it sometimes but as i said been there done alot probably it helped but not enough and i find it best to just get on with things.
if you have something specific to point out of my letter and reframe it or whatever you do i would love that. i am all for personal growth. but my life has been saturated with issues and personal growth and its tiem for me to work, earn an income, bring in new people to my life, do other things besdies kids kids kids and the issues they bring and emotional issues and personal growth.
work can be very soothing and that is one focus at present
peace to care for kids without extra counselling sessions or appointments which are more tiring than helpful at present is more helpful for me at present. thats what i find for myself at least.
i love listening ot the cd of 'the secret' i find that helps me. focusing on gratitude and good things
i am interested in different personal growth things
and i have sometimes sessions with someone when issues come up and she is helpful more than i found others, but i will not make anything regular at a timeslot when i have other huge priorities now that are better for me 30 years later and that have been pushed aside for 30 years.
Thanks
Sue.
Last edited by sue1386; January 6th, 2010 at 02:57 PM.
Sue it sounds like you just need a break above all else. It's no mean feat raising several troubled children on your own. You deserve a medal.
Counselling can be good if you're at a place where you want to do all that and sort through your thoughts and feelings, but I totally hear you - it's hard work and appointments are a hassle. You can certainly use counselling principles by yourself if you're familiar with them and have the time and energy.
Take all the rest and time for yourself that you need. I would still go to the engagement but ultimately it's up to you.
ETA: sometimes practical (rather than pyschological) changes to your situation make a world of difference, as you discovered when your children moved out. Doing some things that you've wanted to do but haven't been able to for YEARS might help you feel better about everything.
Last edited by skeetaboat; January 6th, 2010 at 02:13 PM.
when my kids have hurt me, i thought about if i would ever have contact again,
but when the moment came to reconnect i didnt think twice. like my grandmother did as i mentioned.
Thanks so so much for all your understanding and support. that is very very special.
i have 3 relatively younger children i still do need to care for and focus on, including 2 doing vce this year and next year, and oen of whom was very sick in 09. plus a daughter who had a baby at young age and is single, who i dont want to leave to feel alone too, i try to help her, take and pay for her shopping, for groceries, clothes, toys, clothes for baby, dvds when she is lonely, and keeping a connection and watch on her. She has also been very hurtful when she was troubled last year, but again i knew she was very troubled at the time so like my grandmother did, when she needed me and was more stable, i still forgave immediately and came back to help. i do need to minimise older hurtful children and situations that are draining troubled or hurtful.
i guess if i'm invited i'll go to the engagement. it will be difficult. i need a break from anyone or anything too troubled at present. working and caring for kids and recovering from it all is enough.
there is a different situation a bit similar to whether i should or shouldnt go to the engaement
my brother invites us once a year or so and i dont go as i raised a bunch of kids on my own for decades under challenging situations, and he lived not too far away , had a very blessed life and didnt show any understanding or generosity to our needs. i find that too painful. how alone i have felt for decades and its salt to a wound to have a brother, but who doesnt think about us or help. i try to forgive, understand, give explanations, but it doesnt mean i want to go to his home, and when i have its made me an emotional mess for days after. its just too painful for me what it raises.
and skeetaboat, at times when i knew i deserved 10 medals not just one like you mentioned, i was treated so badly. i beleive there are sometimes deeper reasons why things happen, past lives, who knows. i find it best to put it aside and keep going, or it is too timeconsuming and upsetting and leads nowhere . sometimes there arent answers in some traumas and its just best to try to stay away and move on to the present .
i could ahve written a book in the past on forgiveness, boundaries, how to not let behaviour of others upset us, i have that much self growth notes over the years as i dealt with so much. its been a constant theme especially in the last 13 years of my life. and yet i still need reminders about walking with grace, living our truth quietly and forgetting about others opinions or mistakes, that what others think is none of my business and doesnt count!
when i walk in the street i often put sunglasses to put a bit of protection and less eyecontact between myself and otehrs who have caused me pain or remind me of pain. it makes it a bit less painful for me. its not a good way to live.
thanks all of you so much. people dont always show they understand but you all really did. thats been another issue that has isolated me that i didnt feel others understood all these years, my exhaustion, the crisis i was dealing with, the needs of a large family and a sole parent. that isolated me alot finding that others didnt seem to understand, though of course i also have those around me who do .thanks so much and nice to hear from you again lulu.
Last edited by sue1386; January 6th, 2010 at 03:13 PM.
Sue ... hope we have all helped in our own way, ... Do you feel better about what decision to make now whether to go or not ? or do you think you need some more time (so sorry if i may have overlooked an answer you might have already mentioned after my last post) ... Sue, sounds like you have such wonderful motivation in helping yourself getting through maybe not all but some or most of what you have been through ... You are one special lady who needs to make life special for YOU too
************* Sue if i had a gold medal i would give it to you but i don't so instead here is a big warm hug from me to you xoxoxox
Initially i read your post and i got so angry.
It is due to my issues with my mother, who puts on a woe is me act, but is really being a manipulative cow. She finds great pleasure in controlling my siblings and turning us against one another, its like she thinks she is the queen bee and we are her workers.
Sorry i read your post right after another argument with her!! She always manages to put words in our mouths and turn things around and use it against us later.
Anyway, i had to re read your letter and not take it to heart (obviously you aren't my mother lol) and i thought i would give you a perspective from a child of a broken / messed up family.
You are right, your daughter did take you protecting the other sibling to heart, i can probably guess that she was feeling fragile and in depserate need of reassurance from her mother and she didn't get what she wanted so she acted the way she did. (IMO only i obviously don't know the whole situation)
However, i think you should go to her engagement. If you don't, you will give her more excuses to make up stories, more excuses to feel hurt and betrayed and more excuses to dislike you in her mind.
You need to go to the engagement, wish them all the best and let her go.
When she goes on in life, gets married etc, all you can do is be there for support.
Even if you are standing quietly in the wings.
One day when she becomes a mother, she will realise all you have done for her and why you do the things the way you do. Because she is apart of you, and you unconditionally love her. That is your downfall, but it is also the most uplifting thing in the world. A mothers love.
Things will work out for you. People will come to realise your not such a bad person. Besides, if they are going to listen to rumours, why would you want them as friends anyway.
Sorry if i just gabbled on and didn't really help, but i hope i did a little
you know from my kids point of view there would be times that they would have just gotten weary of our situation and the stress
and me expressing it to anyone
tired, embarrassed.
recently 2 of my children had court situations. one an ex was trying to meddle with the child he never wanted.
and another was an ex girlfriend being charged for stealing money from my son
they are finding out how stressful court is
and yet my ex dragged me through court for years
i supported them so so so so so much and still do in all these situations, typing, helping them with hints, listening, giving soothing words and uplifting words, and wise words.
i was so alone through so much so i dont want them to suffer the terrible pain of that.
yes if i would hav emet someone and talked to them on the way back from court aobut the day i'd just had they would have felt embarrassed.
people who spread lies oculd use the word manipulate when in fact there is no manipulation but a true situatiohn of need
people get sick of situations of need and start to question them or accuse when there may be no need for that at all.
thats what happened in my situation and i saw it happen now to my daughter that soon after she became a single young mum, people wondered if she really needs help when she asks for it and started to accuse her of being manipulative when the real truth was so so painfully different.
yes i hve to learn not to care about others pain
i am sensitive and most of my family are so its hard work for us to try to not care
one of my children though is totally differnt, nothing bothers her and she is so lucky. she can just laugh off everything.
i have told friends of mine though that if i die of a heart attack from so much pressure on me, financial, emotional, heart break , hurt, that i DO want my kids and people around me to be told of the horrible impact they had on me and the repercussions their behaviour caused on my daily life.
Re the engagement thanks. one step at a time. so far she isnt engaged yet, she needs to find a ring, and she has not invited me yet.
Reply With Quote
xoxoxox
Bookmarks