hi Sue, I don't have time for a lengthy reply right now, but I wonder if you'd benefit from some narrative counselling? It helps us to see event in our life from different angles, and rewrite the story of events so that they don't cause us so much pain. From your writing it sounds like there are phrases and concepts that are strongly held in your mind that are causing much pain & misery. Narrative counselling can help to unpack those words, phrases and interpretation of events and rebadge, rename and rewrite the story.

Counselling might also help you come to a place where you can forgive your son for the lies he told. It might seem impossible right now, but forgiveness is much better for your soul than bitterness, and a goal worth working towards. That's not to say it's easy, though. It takes a lot of strength and soul searching to forgive, but you'll be a happier and healthier person for it.

Re: being like your grandmother, by having healthy boundaries with your children, you can avoid that. Eg 'I will go to your engagement party but I will not pay for it' or 'I will support you as a parent but I am only available to babysit on Thursdays and Saturdays', that kind of thing. Also, remember that unconditional love allows us to give without expecting anything in return. Maybe this is what your grandmother was doing? So while in your eyes she was used and abused, in her own eyes she was just loving her daughter unconditionally, not expecting anything in return. When we can love unconditionally, we love the person, but we also release them of expectations. That doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be walked all over, it just means we are giving of ourselves, our time, our love, our support, without hope or agenda. To avoid over-giving in the name of unconditional love, you need to really sit down and think about what your boundaries are. What are you willing to give your children without any conditions attached?

It sounds like your situation is complex and very tough, so it's hard to respond well without knowing the full details. Nevertheless, every difficult situation is an opportunity for emotional growth. Just trying to point out some areas of potential growth. We can't change past events or control other people's behaviour, but we can choose how we repond to events and people, and the effect we allow those events and people to have on us. In the end, your happiness, even in a difficult situation, is up to you and what you choose to do.

My only other thought is, counselling will also help you process your thoughts about your damaged reputation, and assess how much of it is reality, and how much of it is your perception of other peoples thoughts and behaviour (sometimes we make up or magnify what other people think about us based on our own self talk). If after you go through that process, you realise that people actually do think bad things about you and behave dishonourably towards you, then you can choose to rebuild the relationship, or write them off as judgmental and not worth your efforts. If after going through that process you can't ignore it or rebuild your relationships with them, maybe then it would be worth considering moving and starting anew.

I hope something in there is useful and/or helpful. ((Hugs))