Im new-Introducing me and seeking some advice

[Kira]

Im new to this forum and just wanted to introduce myself and seek some advice from other single mums. Im Kira and single mum to my little boy who is 7 months. I have been single since I found out and told my ex I was pregnant. He was very clear he didnt want to be a father and actually wanted me to not to continue with the pregnancy so I decided to go it alone. Very scary and stressful at the time but now I wouldn?t change a thing. I went through my pregnancy with no contact with him or his family but had the love and support of my family. It was pretty hard not having him there as I still cared deeply for him. He just didnt have the emotional maturity to understand the impact his actions had on me or would have on his unborn child. When my boy was 2 weeks old my ex's mother contacted me out of the blue. She wanted to have contact with myself and her first grandchild. She has now had pretty constant contact with us. Through her persuasion my ex met his son for the first time when he was three months old. Since then he has had some contact with him but only through his mother. Nothing has really been addressed about what happened in the past and he and has family have acted like there was never any problem. When they visit they all take pictures and act like one big happy family, completely disregarding the fact that a year ago they wanted nothing to do with me or this child. I guess I feel disrespected and now there is a beautiful little boy that is their grandchild/son/nephew everything is ok. Also my sons father never makes contact himself its always through his mother, never asks questions about his son and hasnt stated what kind of role he wants in his life. I dont think any of them understand the complexity of emotions I went through and the way their abandonment affected me through my pregnancy. I have trouble addressing this with them too. I feel conflicted in what I should do. I want to lay down some rules with my baby?s father - I want to tell him he needs to make a commitment to his son, to be there, to have regular contact with him and if this is something he doesnt want then it can be nothing for the time being. I not sure what the best thing for my son is. To have sometimes contact with a relative stranger or to have no contact at all right now. I know everything that happens in my boys life now, even though he is a baby will affect his future and I want to do the right thing for him. As Im sure you all understand, as a mum you are worried about making the wrong decision. Any helpful advice would be great, in my circle of friends I am the only single mum and it can be hard and lonely sometimes with no one to talk to who can really understand. Thanks for listening, sorry it was so long, but of coarse this is the short version J
Hope you all well
Kira

[reganelizabeth]

Hey Kira,
Welcome to the forum!
That sounds like such a tough situation. I understand it could be hard confronting them about this. Do you feel comfortable at all confronting your ex? (I find I have no inhibitions saying whatever I want to him, but can't say anything to his mum) You really need to have a chat to him about what his intentions are with your son. It's not fair that they can see him whenever it suits them, yet you get no help from them. Does he pay child support? Is there any chance of a reconciliation between the two of you (if that's even what you want)?
In terms of if your son should see him sometimes or not at all.. That's such a tough call. Perhaps if you give your ex an ultimatum - either spend x amount of time with your son per fortnight or don't see him at all - he may wake up and realise what he's missing out on. If he doesn't, then I guess that would be a good indicator of what kind of father he'd be and perhaps your son is better without him.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help, but I definately understand how you're feeling and what it's like to desperately want the father to pay more attention.
Take care
Regan

[Kitt3n]

You poor thing - it must be so tough! The thing is, no matter how much you may not want the father to be in the baby's life, i think it would be horrible to exclude the grandparents - their sons actions are not their fault - and in keeping with contact with them, i guess there has to be some kind of contact with the father.

This really is a tough one - its horrible that they abandoned you too - but did his parents know about the baby when you fell preg?

I really feel for you!

[satya]

If I were you I'd be trying to set up some kind of regular arrangement for visits and ask for the contact to be made with you not the mother. When your son is older I 'd then discuss if he wants weekend access or just to keep the visits as they are, that way you will know what to expect. I think it's very important for children to know their father and if the contact doesn't get maintained early on kids generally don't want to know about their dad when they get a bit bigger.

[rosehannah]

I think some ground rules definitely need to be set out , could you get a mediator to help with that? The father definitely needs to be contributing financially to the care of the baby after all he helped make your son, he has responsibilities whether he likes it or not.

[Kira]

hey, thanks heaps for all your feedback.
Yeah my ex doesnt contribute financialy at all. And at the moment Im happy with this. I think right now it would make an already confusing situation even more so. But i think setting some boundries around his vists is what I need to do. And I want my ex to be a part of his sons life, I know how important it is to to have a dad in a childs life. But right now he is taking the easy option and hiding behind his parents. thanks for your advice - just so hard to know what the right thing to do is. I never want to make waves and always want to keep the peace and balance sometimes to the point where I let people walk all over me. I dont limit access to my sons paternal grandma, she has been very supportive and I know how important it is for him to have that connection with them and that side of his family. I still have trouble talking to my ex, I think beacuse he hurt me so much, when I see him it brings it all back up for me. But I think I will have to bite the bullet and see what happens
This site is really a great forum for mums just to know they arent alone and they arent the only ones going through this stuff. Thanks again!
xx Kira