In the UK the CSA takes child support out of the non-resident parent's wages and puts them into the resident parent's bank account automatically usually. In order to keep communication pleasant and force things to be friendly we decided to go the passed-into-hand route. So my ex gives me what he owes into my hand every week. He is normally brillaint about this but atm hasn't paid for 2 weeks as he's been out of work. He always repays as soon as he can. He startes a new job on Tuesday so he'll have caught up by the end of the month.

It suits us very well to do it this way as he pays the flat rate the CSA said he should but he also contributes to bigger purchases (like shoes etc.) which makes a big difference but because of the system if i had to do it through the CSA and they declared it the DWP would remove the same amount from my benefit (like they say i need ?50/week to live on and if he gives me ?12 towards shoes they would only give me ?38 that week - nonsensical!). It has been really hard to be friends at times and he still drives me totally nuts a lot of the time, but it just keep slogging away at it because the best possible outcome i can give me DD (in my own personal situation, not saying this is for everyone) is a family where everyone is friends even if they can't live together. I suppose i want stability for her and i think it's easier to cope with things if they are the same. We both really love her, so that's one thing we always agree on!

I have to be honest and say i don't really write down when she has nappyrash or is in dirty clothes - i talk to XP about it instead. Sometimes he forgets to do things or isn't that careful about things because he doesn't have her enough to see results. Like she did have a phase of coming back with nappyrash because he wasn't too vigilant at getting poop off. I told him about it and then texted him everytime she came back with nappyrash. After a few weekends it stopped because he'd got into a better way of doing it, because he always knew when he hadn't done it right.

It did annoy me at the time, and that it felt like forever getting him to do it right, but then for me that same period is 3 days and there's LOTS of stuff that took longer than 3 days for me to "get". Each time something comes up i do this, talk to him and then make him aware every time it's an issue. The problem is that when XP has her he treats it like he's babysitting so doesn't parent how i do. Like if she wants something she shouldn't have and cries he's just trying to get through to when i'll come and get her and he'd much rather not have to listen to crying (i know how he feels ) so he just gives in and gives her whatever it is. He STILL doesn't manage to be strict about sleeping/naps etc. but it doesn't impact on her nights with me so i don't worry about it.

Basically there is a mix between me getting him to try the things i do and letting him find his own path to being the best daddy he can be. I really really hate it sometimes, i really do, i feel like i'm HIS mum too and having to walk him through a step at a time can be more exhausting than just doing it myself. BUT i guess he's the only daddy she has and i want him and her to be as happy as possible, so i plug away and hope for the best. Mainly we are friends, often because i am far more willing and able now i'm with DP to put up with XP's moods and selfishness (i have support when i NEED it, which means i find it easier to demand help from XP when i feel he should give it) than i was when we lived together, but so far it is working. I'm fairly sure if i'd never made him have her overnight or take her for weekends, made him try parks or toddler groups with her, left her with him when she's ill, he would not be HALF the father he is and they would not be so bonded and in love. I don't know if he'd even see her still by now. At first his visitation was very "she's MY child and you can't take her from me" - possessive and not about DD, but now it is HER he's interested in, rather than "his rights" iykwim. It can be immensely stressful having to put up with him, hand-hold him, forgive him again and again and facilitate him in fatherhood at every step BUT when i see them together i know they love each other and, more than that, she really trusts him. So it's (grudgingly, enough that i'll do this for one more day anyway ) worth it.

Bx