shared parenting

[vickyk79]

Its really nice to hear of positive situations where shared parenting has worked out. I have no doubts that my ex is great with our son, its how he goes about it, his level of anger, pot smoking etc is the problem.
When we do the changeovers we always have a chat and a play together with our son, one thing we have agreed upon is not to argue infront of our son. Also in the current parenting orders we have a clause which states we can not talk badly of the other parent or allow other people to do so in the company of our child.
Hopefull over time the stress and tension will ease, we haven't been separated for long and he still has a lot of anger towards me, eg in the settlement I got one of the cars, which he still refers to as his car, he let me have it etc..... Anyway the drama of life.... Thanks for the advice ie trusting..

[paradise lost]

((((hugs)))) Vicky it is REALLY hard. But XP and i broke up over 18 months ago and it probably took 5 or 6 before we reached true truce, before then it was hard hard work and a lot of forced smiles and such. The no-badmouthing clause is a fabulous one.

In my case i came out and wrote an email to XP (we tended to argue face-to-face and didn't want to discuss over DD's head) TELLING him that i was going to assume that he would act out of love for DD and that i needed him to believe the same. I included in that email the fact that in handing DD over to her daddy i was doing it in the faith that he would be in full control (not stoned) and that his habits re: smoking pot and cigarettes would be kept away from her because i knew he was a good father who would not WANT to be stoned or smoking around his child. He stuck to both of these things. I declined CSA intervention beyond assesment (which i HAD to have to get my income support) - he hands the cash to me every week, rather than them taking it from his bank and putting it in mine. I didn't let my new partner see DD (who is actually his goddaughter - i've known him for years) until we'd been together a year, because i wanted her to know who her mummy and daddy were before i started throwing new folk into the mix. I did a lot of things because they were the right thing or the best thing rather than the legally required thing. I'm in the UK and i could more or less have told him to get stuffed and never seen him again but the idea of someone taking DD away from me tears my heart to pieces, i could never do that to another human being.

We were defacto so i didn't "get" anything, we split our things as we saw fit and dealt with it all afterwards. THere were gripes - he SOLD the size 2 MCN's on eBay and on my tiny welfare income i couldn't replace them and had to go to sposies. I know he's bitter i took the DVD player when my Dad was giving me another one anyway. But we just had to get over these things and keep slogging on. One thing which helped i think is that i'd tell XP how useful the things i'd taken were, even if i had to engineer it in. Try telling XP, "I'm SO GLAD you let me have the car - today i took bubs to xxx and we just couldn't get by without it". Yeah, of COURSE you were entitled to the car, but it will do your ex NO END of good to know he can be a good daddy even when he's not there by being generous with his time and belongings with mummy. It made me sick having to act grateful at first but the more grateful i have been the more generous he has been and ultimately it HAS made me appreciative of everything i have. It also made HIM more grateful to ME, so it wasn't one-way.

I spend a lot of time still venting to trusted friends and not moaning at him unless i am SURE i can't live with whatever it is. I ask, does it really matter, or does it REALLY matter before i take a gripe to him. We're getting there. DD is loved and she knows it, that's worth more than nappies or DVD players or even in some cases hurt feelings to both of us.

You guys will get there, keep talking, remember why you fell in love. I cannot live with my ex, he was not the man i wanted to be with, but he isn't a bad man, and i hold onto that when i am angry. Hard work, but when the doorbell goes and there is a series of squeals and delighted shouts of "dada! dada! dada!" it is SO worth it.

Hang in there.

Bx

[reganelizabeth]

Hi all,
I really feel for those of you going through hard times with yours ex's.
I left my ex nearly a year ago. The first 2 months or so, he barely saw Ruben (my son) at all. I would call him constantly and he would just ignore my calls. Most weekends he was out drinking rather than looking after his son. My friend also told me he was dabbling in a few different drugs. I eventually learned he was really acting up like that because he was severely depressed over our breakup. Eventually he got his act together, and over the past 9 months or so we have gone through stages of being friends and then hating each other, then being friends again.
So now he has him either one or both nights on a weekend. We really are not getting along, it's quite stressful.
How do you girls all go with getting child support? Are they paying it every week?
My ex is generally pretty good, but if he doesn't transfer the money one week, and I remind him the following week, I'll never see it, which ****es me off immensely.

But overall, I do believe your situations will get easier with time, so hang in there.

[Kitt3n]

Guys - Brendans mum is so right - KEEP DIARY OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS.
Each phone call, each SMS. Every single little thing (hair not brushed etc etc).
I have a friend who had to go through all of this and now visits are only acceptable when they can be supervised, by either the mother or her parents.
Big hugs guys, the men will eventually get bored of doing it just to hurt you. My ex has, and now he only has the little on roughly 1 weekend a month. And she likes it like that.

[paradise lost]

In the UK the CSA takes child support out of the non-resident parent's wages and puts them into the resident parent's bank account automatically usually. In order to keep communication pleasant and force things to be friendly we decided to go the passed-into-hand route. So my ex gives me what he owes into my hand every week. He is normally brillaint about this but atm hasn't paid for 2 weeks as he's been out of work. He always repays as soon as he can. He startes a new job on Tuesday so he'll have caught up by the end of the month.

It suits us very well to do it this way as he pays the flat rate the CSA said he should but he also contributes to bigger purchases (like shoes etc.) which makes a big difference but because of the system if i had to do it through the CSA and they declared it the DWP would remove the same amount from my benefit (like they say i need ?50/week to live on and if he gives me ?12 towards shoes they would only give me ?38 that week - nonsensical!). It has been really hard to be friends at times and he still drives me totally nuts a lot of the time, but it just keep slogging away at it because the best possible outcome i can give me DD (in my own personal situation, not saying this is for everyone) is a family where everyone is friends even if they can't live together. I suppose i want stability for her and i think it's easier to cope with things if they are the same. We both really love her, so that's one thing we always agree on!

I have to be honest and say i don't really write down when she has nappyrash or is in dirty clothes - i talk to XP about it instead. Sometimes he forgets to do things or isn't that careful about things because he doesn't have her enough to see results. Like she did have a phase of coming back with nappyrash because he wasn't too vigilant at getting poop off. I told him about it and then texted him everytime she came back with nappyrash. After a few weekends it stopped because he'd got into a better way of doing it, because he always knew when he hadn't done it right.

It did annoy me at the time, and that it felt like forever getting him to do it right, but then for me that same period is 3 days and there's LOTS of stuff that took longer than 3 days for me to "get". Each time something comes up i do this, talk to him and then make him aware every time it's an issue. The problem is that when XP has her he treats it like he's babysitting so doesn't parent how i do. Like if she wants something she shouldn't have and cries he's just trying to get through to when i'll come and get her and he'd much rather not have to listen to crying (i know how he feels ) so he just gives in and gives her whatever it is. He STILL doesn't manage to be strict about sleeping/naps etc. but it doesn't impact on her nights with me so i don't worry about it.

Basically there is a mix between me getting him to try the things i do and letting him find his own path to being the best daddy he can be. I really really hate it sometimes, i really do, i feel like i'm HIS mum too and having to walk him through a step at a time can be more exhausting than just doing it myself. BUT i guess he's the only daddy she has and i want him and her to be as happy as possible, so i plug away and hope for the best. Mainly we are friends, often because i am far more willing and able now i'm with DP to put up with XP's moods and selfishness (i have support when i NEED it, which means i find it easier to demand help from XP when i feel he should give it) than i was when we lived together, but so far it is working. I'm fairly sure if i'd never made him have her overnight or take her for weekends, made him try parks or toddler groups with her, left her with him when she's ill, he would not be HALF the father he is and they would not be so bonded and in love. I don't know if he'd even see her still by now. At first his visitation was very "she's MY child and you can't take her from me" - possessive and not about DD, but now it is HER he's interested in, rather than "his rights" iykwim. It can be immensely stressful having to put up with him, hand-hold him, forgive him again and again and facilitate him in fatherhood at every step BUT when i see them together i know they love each other and, more than that, she really trusts him. So it's (grudgingly, enough that i'll do this for one more day anyway ) worth it.

Bx

[Kitt3n]

Dont get me started on child support! My x is self employed - so he does dodgies on his books and makes it look like he earns basically nothing - all he has to give me is the very minimum - and its so damn hard even to get that! I have stopped bothering. But he always makes out to the little one that he does so much for her bla bla - thankfully, even though she is only 6 she can see through him.
Every payment he has ever given me - over four years - has been placed into a bank account for her, so if he ever becomes all high and mighty, trying to get her to live with him when she is a teenager, i will show her just how much he supported her financially.
Over 4 years that bank balance is less than $500.00.
Tool.
And you know i would love to have the kind of relationship where we could all get along - he is just way too pig headed. Come hell or high water we will all be there for her special occasions (birthdays, weddings etc) - Even if i have to hold a knife behind his back to get him to smile!!!!

[reganelizabeth]

catrionalee - I've heard a bit about if they're self employed there's ways to get out of it. That would be horrible! I don't even understand why men don't pay.. Don't they want to support their child and give them the best?
Luckily my ex generally looks out for Ruben. The way he speaks to me sometimes though.. aarrgh! He's quite nasty, also very pigheaded. He's one of those 'never wrong' types.