Last week DH and I had relationship counselling which was great for us. Today I had my own session with the same counsellor. After a lot of talking with her, I cam e to discover that I am a victim of domestic violence! In the past my sister has said that she tinks DH is an emotional abuser but I dismissed her.
DH abuses me emotionally and financially, just like my Dad did to my Mum. I now know that we follow an abusive cycle constantly.
Of course when I came home and enlightened DH to all of this he got extremely definsive and ended up storming out, not before reminding me that he loves me (emotional abuse right there!).
I went to see my sisters and talk things through with them and they were so amazingly supportive. Then DH rings me and tells me he has organised for a budget company to take his pay each fortnighta nd pay all his bills, pay me CS, save money and give him spending money. That is HUGE for him to do that. That is gonna take so much stress of us. He can no longer financially abuse me at least.
DH doesnt understand or believe that he emotionally abuses me, he turns everything into my fault/my responsibility.
I also came to the realisation that I dont and never did have PND!!! That is so important to me. My depression and anxiety came from DH's partyinga dn drinking ways while DS was a baby/toddler, it didnt come from me not bonding with my DS or anything, DS and I have never had a problem, the problems have been with DH and me. When I tell DH his drinking attributed to my depressiona dn anxiety he retorts that my PND caused his drinking problems....and cue emotional abuse.
How do I get him to wake up and realise and acknowledge that he is emotionally abusing me and always has? I have told him that he needs to get his own counselling otherwise he will never be able to have a uccessful relationship with me or anyone else. He has said he will, but I refuse to take his word for anything these days, I only trust his actions not his words.
Wow, definitely a big day for you . It's amazing how freeing it is when you realise that it isn't all your fault. Emotional abuse is terrible and much more subtle than physical abuse.
I don't know if there is any way you can convince your DH that he is emotionally abusive. He might need to come to that in his own time? The best thing you can do is remember that everything is not your fault. By doing this you are taking away his power over you. You stop believing what he is saying and therefore stop letting it get to you. I think once he realises it is no longer working, he will most likely stop doing it.
I am no expert, just speaking from personal experience .
I hope today becomes a huge turning point for you .
Hi Widdly, You are so so brave. I can't even imagine being in your position and the way you have handled everything is amazing. What an assertive, brave and respectful person you are.
It is a hard road that you have travelled and I wish I had some advice for you. I only hope that your DH comes to his own realisation about his behaviour and the effect it has not only on you right now but on your DS and the lessons he will learn about relationships. Big hugs to you. Will be thinking of you.
Widdly, will he go back and see that counseller and have an individual debrief with them just like you did, for some strange reason, some men need to be told by an independent when they are in the wrong, just won't accept what we say...
You had to know I would be in here cheering for you.
In answer to your questions though TBH I reckon it's like giving up smoking or losing weight (only way more serious) - they have to acknowledge it and want (genuinely) to change.
However - the whole money thing might just be an indicator that it is dawning on him. No-one wants to think that they are the perpetrator of DV - what an horrendous tag. It will take lots of digesting and mulling over on his part.
I am proud of you though. That is a whole lot of big things to deal with in your head.
Oh my goodness Gorgeous Widdly, you sound so free in your post. What a weight that has been lifted off your shoulders. You sound lighter, relieved, stronger in this post. What a big day of realisations, but wow! The way you are handling it and the effect it is having on you & your self esteem is joyful to read.
I really hope that your DH goes to the counsellor & works through his issues. I'm very glad that he has taken the first step of managing his money & making sure you are covered. That's a good sign.
Anyway, lots of these , a big round of this and as always on BB one of these for good measure.
Fantastic! You are doing you both a favour and you are conducting yourself so graciously Definitely shaping up like a successful intervention, so best wishes for this process
WOW thankyou so much everyone for your support, well wishes and advice
Trish - yeah, I need to work hard not to let him abuse me anymore, I realise it will be easier said than done, but going to the counsellor weekly will help guide me.
Kim - interesting you say its like losing weight and giving up smoking, both things DH has tried and failed at countless times over the years....hope thats not a sign...
krysalyss - i hada panicky thought this arvo that DS is learning about relationships by watching the abusive way his parents have been interacting, scarey stuff, thank goodness this realisation has hit me beofre its too late.
BooBoo - I have told him for this to work he needs to see the counsellor and have her explain all of this to him in a way that he can understand otherwise he can never fix his abusive ways. He agreed to that seeing the counsellor was a good idea but he wasnt very enthusiastic about it.
thanks again guys, now I need to go and research emotional abuse and understand it more so I can ensure I break the cycle
victim of domestic violence
In the past my sister has said that she tinks DH is an emotional abuser but I dismissed her.
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. It's amazing how freeing it is when you realise that it isn't all your fault. Emotional abuse is terrible and much more subtle than physical abuse.
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and as always on BB one of these 
for good measure.
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