I don't know what to do

[Torn]

I need some help girls... and to off load. I am a long term user on this forum but need to keep my annomity about this. I'm sorry. I'm not ready to come out into the open just yet. Hardly any of my friends even know what is going on...

I've been with DH for nearly 9 years and married for about 7.5 years. We have a gorgeous 2 year old. For a while, things haven't been great at home. He's always worked long hours and (I feel) put work first. Evident in the fact that he was working whilst I laboured, when I was admitted to hospital with major health issues post surgery when our child was just a few months old, took phone calls from work on our "honeymoon" and so on. Over the last 18 months, our physical relationship has dwindled. I can count on one hand the number of times we have had "relations" in the last 6 months. But to be honest - we are both to blame for that... if I continue to be honest, I'm not all that physcially attracted to him at the moment. And certainly not mentally (his behaviour is such a turn off). DH has always been one to expect me to do all the housework and child raising even though I work full time (in a shift work industry). He doesn't help out much other than to drop off or pick up when I'm at work and watches DD so I can go to a regular appointment each week. I do all cooking and cleaning and washing. I bath DD and put her to bed. I comfort and discipline. We have no family in this State to assist us.

In the last 2 weeks, DH's behavior has esculated and worsened. DD has called him a Monster. He has yelled and carried on and made numerous threats about leaving. His threats to leave have been ongoing over the last 18 months. Whenever things don't go his way, he uses it as a threat.

Since the big incident 2 weeks ago, I've been teary most days and it is affecting everything I do. Work, friends etc. I have found that I have completely withdrawn from DH. I have actually been actively avoiding him at times. I have found myself contemplating leaving. I think, in my heart, I know this is what I need to do. I'm not happy. I'm worried about the impact our relationship has on DD. But I'm scared.

I'm scared of being a single parent. Especially with no family supports and working shift work. How will I manage to juggle shifts and DD? I don't earn a great wage (curse of my industry) and am not even sure how I would cope financially. Child Care takes up a HUGE chunk of my wage. We also have HUGE debt (thanks to him) and not sure how we would service it. What would I do if I got really sick again? What if I'm making a huge mistake? I feel that DD deserves better, she deserves to have both Mummy and Daddy...

For me, my biggest concerns are logisitcal... how do I do this? How do I get out? Having to buy stuff again - beds, couches etc. How do I cope? How do I juggle shift work and DD? I tested the waters today with a friend but don't think I can rely on anyone to actually help me out (how sad is that?!). How do I survive emotionally? I think I still love him... but I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting and trying and being the one to compromise. I've tried to get him to go to counselling with no luck. I strongly believe he is depressed but he won't seek help.

How do I find out what I'm entitled to from Centrelink/FAO with minimal fuss? I've looked at the websites but I'm so confused. Last financial year I earnt less than $45K. It might extend by $2k in the next 12 months (if I'm lucky) depending on shift allowances etc.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense... I'm quickly writing this whilst DH has ducked out for 15 minutes. Plus I'm all over the shop right now as several people in my life know. I can't keep my focus on anything and am not my normal cheerful self. Having to make such a huge decision is so consuming... it takes over all thoughts at all times of day and night. I hate it. I can't get my head and heart to reconcile.

Sorry if I'm waffling. I just need to get this out before I solve the Country's drought with my own tears... and before I burst. I guess I need help and advice... I know I do. Especially from single Mum's (even more so if you've had to juggle shift work and children!).

Torn

[Floweryfields]

So sorry you are going through this. I have no experience in this area and any advice I give is only out of my head - so I won't do that, I will leave it for others. I just wanted to offer support just the same. Praying.

[tk1999]

I am not 100% sure but couldn't read and not post - could you contact Centrelink and seek their advice on what you may be entitled to if you leave DH?

hun

[squidipa]

being that u dotn have much time , i gather ill be to the point

if your not happy, leave as hard as it is. It will be tough but u will get through it.
how do i know after a 11 year relationship and a 9 year marriage that failed due to controlling ways just as u have stated i got out with a 5 year old and 2 year old. yeah i had to do it on my own buy new stuff no support but i did and made it.

call centerlink and say i would like to know la dee dahh da dahh, say i don't want to give my personal details just want to get info anonymously i did this

next of all ask ya self this one question "what is my worth?" if you dont know tell me what does your child deserve? that's what you also deserve :hugs:

keeping it short and to the point so you have time to read!
happy to chat if ya want k? pm me

[willow5]

First of all

I know how you're feeling I've been there only my kids were older 12 and 10 at the time.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you're tired!
If you want to find out what you're entitled to with Centrelink the best way is to make an appointment and go in to talk to someone there, I know it's a hassle but I got confused with the website too.
Only you can make the final decision as to whether or not you leave but arming yourself with all the info you can about your entitlements is a great idea first.

You did say you think you still love him, is he willing to communicate and work things out? My ex wasn't and in the end I didn't love him anymore, but if you're still in love with him and he's willing there's always a chance to sort things out. Although once you're emotionally exhausted that's hard to think about specially if it feels one sided.

I'm sorry you don't seem to have much support either that, maybe once people know just how bad things are they will kick into support mode? Maybe they just think you're venting at the moment?

I know where you are and how hard it is not knowing what to do, worrying about the kids.
I feel for you I really do hang in there

[Inertia]

Firstly, if getting out is what you know you need to do, then know you can make it through. You are walking the same path as many strong women before you, but it always starts with doubt. Who knows, maybe next time he threatens to leave you can ask him how fast he can pack? It might take some of the stress of it off you. It will be harder without family, for sure. Make sure you prepare yourself properly though, its all you can do.

Do you have online services for centrelink? They have an estimator on their OLS website that you can just run a quick thing on. It can give you a good idea of what you will be entitled to.

Hang in. You can do it. You deserve to be happy too. You know you will always find help and support here on BB.

[Nelle]

I have no practical advice, but I wanted to offer some empathy. I'm sorry things aren't well at the moment. Are there any local BB'ers who can be a bit of a shoulder or at least distraction. If you're near me, the offer's open.

[~Kaz~]

:yeahthat:

So sorry that you're in this difficult situation atm. I agree with the others - contact centrelink direct to discuss your financial situation and what you'd be entitled to.

Another thought I had reading your post is - what if some of your IRL friends knew more? Would they be likely to provide you with some support? I know it feels horrible now (and it is) but it doesn't sound like you have a time limit to make this decision (only the emotional difficulty of the current living situation). I could be wrong there, clearly there was an incident 2 weeks ago. Take your time in making the decision. Are you able to access any counselling? Someone at your local community health centre would know of the local womens services/charities etc that could help you practically to set up a new home. Even if its a service like Lifeline when your DH is at work - just to talk it through with someone it might help you to organise your thoughts a little better (if you're not keen to tell your IRL friends or anyone here on BB just yet).

I'm wishing you all the very best and sending you a big You can get through this. xoxo

[Torn]

thank you everyone.

I have told a couple of friends the full story... one today and I was hoping she would be able to help me with DD. Our girls are best friends and go to the same creche. I was hoping she would offer to help with DD if my shift means I can't collect her or something... but she wasn't keen. I would consider her my closest friend here in Vic. I have wonderful friends in other States who would help in a heart beat... but I don't want to uproot DD if I can help it. If DH and I do split, it will be hard enough on her without moving her from creche and her friends.

I know there are so many people who have done this (under worse conditions) before me... and survived... and I've been through so much in my life (many of it worse than this) and survived... but what if I can't survive this? What if this is the straw that breaks the camel's back?

Squid - I honestly don't know my worth any more. I'm full of self doubt... I've been doing a particular activity for a relatively short period of time which has slowly increased my confidence... which is the only reason I'm even able to contemplate leaving DH... but I couldn't tell you what I'm worth. I don't feel like I'm worth that much. I "know" I'm worth more than this... but I can't really accept that. DD, however, she is worth everything. But I feel like she deserves more than I could give her as a single parent - and I'm not talking about material things.

This is tearing me apart, breaking my heart, and doing my head in. This is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.

[Nelle]

Does your partner know you're considering making this decision Torn?

[rufalina]

I hear your pain, and I dont really have a lot of advice to offer, but could not read your last post and not give you that hug and offer you more cyber support.

And to add to Nelles question have you had any counseling together (or alone) to help you both work through this? Is it even worth considering that?

Thinking of you, and hope you are able to find the strength and courage and support you need to get through this.

[Torn]

Nelle - I'm pretty sure he does. He has made some very specific comments of late asking if I'm comming back when I go out etc. I know he's worried. He has improved some behavior in the last few days... but I worry it is temporary... been there before.

I have tried to get him to go to counselling - he refuses. He doesn't believe in that sort of stuff. I'm very much in to holisitc care - he isn't. My workplace has an Employee Assistance Program but accessing it without DH finding out will be difficult. To access it, I would need him to pick up or drop off DD so I can go outside of my shifts... then I'd have to explain and it wouldn't go well. It is very isolating.

I feel ok at the moment. It is just trying to get my head and heart to reconcile. And work out what to do. It is a huge thing to have to consider. And is this relationship salvagable? How do you know? Because I don't know any more...

[willow5]

Could you have a break with out actually saying it's over? Some time on your own to try and sort through what's going through your head?

Could you and DD go and stay with your family for a couple of weeks? Call it a mental health holiday. Maybe some time away from DH would help make things a little clearer?

I know that probably wouldn't be easy to do getting leave from work etc. I just know I find it easier to think things through when I can have some me time away from distractions.

Stay strong I know it's hard.

[Torn]

I do have leave booked for later in the year (Oct). I can't get it any earlier due to serious staffing issues... but my leave seems like a life time away. I am planning to go home and see my Grandparents, they haven't seen DD for 2 years!!!!

I have been making sure I have lots of "Me" time to try and think. And getting out of the house as much as possible. But when I have DD with me - I feel like she is clouding my thoughts and decision making. Does that make sense? I went for a nice long walk this morning and just felt so at peace... it was lovely. Wish I could have bottled the feeling!!!

[Michelle71]

DH may not want to go to counselling but why don't you? Make him aware that you are going, get him to pick up DD. He knows you are considering it - just tell him you are making every effort to get the marriage to work but if it doesn't (he knows you are considering leaving) you will have made every effort. It might guilt him into attending too (which may uncover the underlying issues he has) but if not it can provide you with an outlet to clear your thoughts to make the decision that best suits you and DD. It could also give you access to support services when the time comes.

And consider moving (yes, there will be access / custody issues to consider etc) where there is more support and more people to love you and DD

[Janie]

:yeahthat:

What a tough time you're having. You know, if your relationship ends, you can do it on your own with your DD. Yes, it will be tough, but you will be so much happier. It sounds as though you do a hell of a lot anyway.

And if you do decide to leave, or decide with your husband that you're going to separate, then really be sure of what you are entitled to. I see no reason you need to go out and buy all new household items etc. At the very least you should be able share what you have already in your house. At the very least. And don't short change yourself thinking it will be easier (or whatever) to just leave stuff behind and start again - IT WON'T BE. You take what is yours, and what you're entitled to.

So yeah, if you do decide to leave, then make sure you have spoken to someone in family law to find out exactly what you're entitled to. And you never know, some counselling may help to salvage things for you

[willow5]

But when I have DD with me - I feel like she is clouding my thoughts and decision making. Does that make sense?

Definately makes sense! And October does seem like miles away. Keep up the me time as much as you can.
I don't suppose DH would look after DD for a weekend so you could go away for a couple of days by yourself??

When you go to stay with your grandparents would they look after DD for a few days so you can be on your own for a while?

It might not seem like it right now but you will come out the other end of this whatever you decide, and feel better!!

I'll be checking in regularly to see how you're going

[Lulu]

What would be the problem with DH finding out you were accessing the EAP? It's not like he doesn't know you are unhappy, and doesn't necesarrily mean you will leave straight away. Can't you tell him you need help to sort out your feelings?