Are You Keyhole Judging? (An Edward de Bono inspired scenario)

[Bathsheba]

One characteristic of Emotional Intelligence is empathy which is only possible if you are able to see things from multiple points of view (not just your own). Author Edward de Bono also refers to this as an ability to think laterally.

Many years ago I saw an EDB interview on TV. He was promoting a new book (unfortunately I can't recall the title). He gave a very visual example of lateral thinking which I have never forgotten. Ever since hearing this little story of his my skills of empathy and "giving people the benefit of the doubt" have greatly improved and I credit him with improving my EQ. This is a rough re-telling of his story:

Once upon a time a person was walking past a door and heard a scream coming from the other side. They tried to open the door but it was locked. The screams were soon accompanied by shouting and the person was feeling quite alarmed.

Then they noticed a keyhole under the handle and quickly bent over to peek through. Immediately the person saw from whom the screams where coming: it was a woman... she was running and looking very frightened. Then a fierce looking man came into view... he was chasing the woman and wielding a knife!

The person stood up and bashed on the door heart racing and desperate to save the woman from the dangerous man! But the door was heavy and couldn't be broken. So the person looked again through the keyhole. Now it could be seen that the man was being chased by a small group of people... this seemed to confirm that the woman was in trouble. So the person stood back, raised a foot and kicked open the door.

It flew open! The person wasted no time rushing through to help apprehend the evil man that was seen through the keyhole. But almost immediately the person stopped in their tracks. In an instant the person no longer desired to save the woman. She didn't need saving. Instead the person was hoping that the man with the knife could run faster!!!

For now the true situation was revealed: there was a child entangled in a rope hanging from a tree. The woman was the child's mother and the man was the child's father rushing toward the child... both with intentions of freeing the child.

How quick the keyhole judger had leapt to conclusions based on the "evidence" of limited vision. Maybe it was just as well that the person didn't have the power to interfere with the situation before seeing the complete picture.

This message in this scenario is also summed up in my signature quote: Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

It seems that everyone is keen to give an opinion these days but are we sometimes looking through keyholes?

[Bathsheba]

I forgot to add that recently when I was at a BB meetup we were discussing that not everyone in BB puts their life-story in their signatures. There are lots of BB members, for example, who have had miscarriages etc and not added them to their details. So just because something isn't there doesn't mean that you can safely assume that they haven't had to deal with that situation. I thought that was really interesting when that was raised.

[Erin_25]

Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

[Maruschke]

Wonderful story Bath, and with a great message behind it. Not only should we not judge people's actions or words, but we can't presume to know their motivations either.

[Inertia]

I fear that sometimes I am prone to it. Its a horrible thing and when I do it, I always remind myself that I honestly have no idea why something is as it is. I do know though that I used to do it a lot more before I had kids. I know for me that having my own makes me more empathtic to other parents.

I do try to be the best person I can be.

[Bathsheba]

Oh for sure Intertia! I'm the same... I was much faster to judge when I was younger, pre-kids. I'm trying to help my 14yo DD avoid the keyhole thing by getting her to think about the bigger picture more often. I think she's starting to get the hang of it. It takes practice. I'm still far from perfect. It's a shame my own parents weren't able to help me when I was younger. It's interesting how the people who dislike being judged the most are the ones that are quickest to judge others too. It's like they feel so persecuted that the only way they can feel better about themselves is to make others feel judged vicious cycle.

[Arcadia]

I really like that analogy! Since becoming a mum I have definitely stopped being so judgemental of people's parenting and become more wary of other people's narratives. As the keyhold story suggests, you just never know what that person has gone through to reach their current standpoint. I think more empathy would help more people heal their own wounds, because once you stop judging others, you start being kinder to yourself.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I dunno. I'm more judgemental about some things. People telling me control crying doesn't hurt, they've done it. I pretty much judge they love their children less than I do. Because now I have a child I'm even more against it than when I just knew the theory.

But most other things - if you're not lying, stealing, killing (and telling me about it) then it's pretty much horses for courses and generally has been. (OK, it has usually been I know I'm right, but you need to find that out in your own time.)

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..........

:yeahthat: - Well said Erin

[Bathsheba]

From my experience the people who "are always right" are just displaying a fear of being wrong because their self esteem is fragile. If someone has the courage to say "I don't know" or "I was wrong about that" I tend to have a lot more admiration for them. It's easy to be outspkone and opinionated, a lot harder to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I have lost count of how many times I have been "jumped on" because I have dared to imagine a bigger picture. I maintain the "innocent until proven guilty" and some people get really riled by this tendency of mine. Quite interesting really I guess.

[Lulu]

Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

So if your opinion is so strong, why not express it? Why not offer an opposing viewpoint?
Why do you get offended if someone else gives an opinion from a different viewpoint themselves?
See - you expect other people to understand without you justifing where you are coming from, but you can't do the same yourself?

I learn so many valuable lessons from those the DO justify their opinions because I don't presume to have had every, single life experience and sometimes I just don't understand where someone is coming from every, single time. I need further insight to get there.

TBH, I find those that consider themselves "jumped on" find it hard to get past their own judgements or try to feel a different perspective.

[Bathsheba]

Yes, good point Lulu. I enjoy hearing an opposing point of view... for the reasons you gave. But it's interesting how a lot of people don't (like hearing them). It does seem that some people confuse a different perspective with a conflict situation. It's like they need everyone to be on the same page all the time or they start to get nervous and anticipate a fight to break out IYKWIM? Maybe it comes down to what we grew up with I witnessed my parents strongly disagreeing and putting forward passionate arguments and observed that it didn't mean that it had to come to blows. That was in my primary years though. Later on when i was a teenager I lived with a stepfather who you couldn't disagree with without the threat of violence. Maybe if that was all I had known I would be very hesitant to hear a debate. Fortunately my first role model was a calmer father.

But this is why I love BB so much... people get the chance to fully explain in considered language why they think the way they do... and they can weave in a bit of the bigger picture of their lives and experiences. it's fascinating Makes me feel that when i speak to people IRL it is actually more like looking through a keyhole... because IRL conversations you don't have as ready access to all the hidden aspects of a persons lives. Online you get a clearer picture.... in some regards.

[Lulu]

Yah, my parents were the same. In fact I remember wanting to be all grown up so I could have interesting discussions over ****tails in the evening!

[Janie]

Thanks for this Bath. And yes, that conversation has made me think too . I would have loved to continue it, but it wasn't really the place, was it? And further to that point........just because someone (like me) had alot of info in their sig doesn't mean you can presume to know everything about that person and their parenting either. I mean yeah, from my sig you can tell that I've had miscarriages, and that I've breastfed my child to toddlerhood. But really, that doesn't tell anyone anything about how I coped with those miscarriages, why they happened etc. Or anything about my breastfeeding journey, other than that it was 'extended'. Does that make sense? I'm sure most people don't see it that simply, but TBH I kind of did for awhile there. Somebody's sig is such a tiny representation of them, and it might not even be that accurate. But it took me awhile to see that.

And as for the original topic, I am sure I have been guilty of this many times. I try very hard these days to be less judgemental, in general. I find it easier to be less judgemental since becoming a parent, although I do hear where Ryn is coming from. Sometimes I struggle with that. But then I try to remember the keyhole thing. You really never know why somebody does something the way they do. But like I said, it is still something I struggle with. We all have different priorities, and I have learn to accept and appreciate that. After all, I certainly feel that I'm doing the right thing for my son almost all of the time, but there are some out there who believe I suck as a parent .

[Inanna]

I agree totally Lulu.

I think strong opinions are healthy and fine. I also think we need to listen with all our faculties to others - for there is a lesson in ever moment & every footstep in life.

When we have strong opinions we need to check if they come from a sense of right ness or ego or weather they come from a healthy step by step place. For instance a strong opinion that says: "there is only one religion that is right"... Well that kinda argues with fact. There are lots of religions and is it right to judge anothers beliefs". Or only men should vote"... Why would that be so? If we adopt the opinions of society, our parents, our partners or our social network without thinking them through they have not been well thought out - they lack in substance...

When a person reacts strongly and defensively it's almost always from ego. We all do it - we all struggle with it (otherwise we would be enlightened! ). When we can hear an opinion and debate it with respect and kindness then we are on the right path (I believe).

[Trillian]

I have always been able to see both sides of the fence (or argument LOL) and for the most part I can be impartial. Sometimes it has gotten me in the poo when I have given the benefit of the doubt and it's bitten me on the bum, but you live and learn from it I guess. It's just not in me to sit on my smallish pony looking down on everyone else and judge them for what they do or do not do and one motto I live by is "they think their **** don't stink but their farts give them away", for me meaning that everyone has a backstory and first appearances aren't always the full picture of someone. I know it's a bit crass, but it's a great leveller I think to use such a phrase. Erin_25, I think that knowing that story helps you understand their POV - you can argue about something with someone till the cows come home, but it's much more productive to turn the argument into healthy debate simply by knowing why someone has the opinion they do or the reason behind why they do what they do. So 'justification' is essential in a lot of cases and if that helps you be understood better and enables someone to see a different perspective because often it's something you cannot assume about someone. And gaining respect is borne out of that too. I know there are a lot of times I've been a part of some raging debates on here and I don't always see eye to eye with some members, but knowing why they say what they say makes me respect why they have that opinion kwim? There are even people on here that I would probably never be friends with in a normal situation, but I respect them deeply becuase they have the strength of their convictions and more importantly are willing to agree to disagree.

lady Zaidee, using what you said as an example, I would never think that someone loved their child any less than what I love mine simply because they use a different method to me. I would see that it's not the love they have for their child that dictates why they do CC, but rather it might be their absolute last resort or that they simply don't know that it's not the best way kwim? I could never assume that they love doing cc, or that cc is their method of choice, because often there is a long and winding road that can lead you to make a decision that is different to what you would choose yourself. If I was talking to someone who said they started using cc, I would ask them why, and maybe even offer alternatives to that which they may not have thought of themseleves, because not everyone has the scope of advice that we have on here and even if after talking to them and finding out that it is simply their preferred method, then I could never judge them for it, lest I be judged for what I do just because it's different.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Trillian, I should explain - I've had a LOT of people in the last few months telling me to CC Liebs because I "look tired". And when I politely say no, I don't agree with that, they then tell me they did it from birth and the child doesn't know any different (how sad!) and you "get used" to hearing crying and ignoring it. They have NEVER gone to their baby, toddler or child at night, no matter what. Some people from birth, some from 6w old, some from 3m old. But generally too early, even in the pro-CC books. And I'm sick of hearing that they deprive their baby (because overnight feeds are still needed at this stage) because they can't be bothered with looking after this little life they created.

Now, if you're going to push your philosphy so much at me even when I say no, I disagree, then I figure you KNOW I'm right and just want to drag me down to your level! So yeah, I do judge then.

But I think that's about the only time. And only because I have it pushed on me so much to do it.

[Inanna]

I think it's always always important to share opinions. I think it's important to listen, I think it's important to use compassion. However, to sit on the fence might be an opinion too!

I understand LZ what you are saying. However, letting it go and saying no firmly... No, I am not interested in that method - it does not fit my ethos or my values - thankyou for sharing it though...

You have stated your strength and rejected what they want to impart... That is all good and well and healthy.