Am I as bad as I think I am or is this kinda normal?

[~breeze~]

For the last few days (maybe even longer!) I just don't seem to have the energy to play with DS, I just want to put him in the play pen or his excersaucer & get on with other things. He usually cries, probably because he's bored but I just cant hold him all day & play.
I lose my temper really quickly (I will be starting anti-depressants as soon as I get to the Drs, hopefully soon) I dont hit him or anything, its just when he's crying & wont stop sometimes I shout at him to "shut up" or something similar. I feel terrible, even as I'm saying it, but I just cant seem to handle it as well as I used to.

I also want him to just stay asleep He gets up about 6:30am these days, I give him abottle in bed with me, put him in his playpen while I go back to bed to rest, then I put him back to bed around 7:30. Sometimes he sleeps a few hours (sometimes only half an hour - 2 hours) then he gets up has some breakfast, has a play, then back to bed for what is usually his longest rest of the day (around 3 hours generally), then he has a bottle in the afternoon & a play, then usually a rest in the afternoon, up for a play, then dinner, play, then bottle & bed by 6-6:30pm.

I feel bad that I "enjoy" while he's asleep. I dont want to do anything to risk waking him up (sudden loud noises etc) because I want him to sleep for a loooooong time

It may just be because I'm depressed & will hopefully be different once I'm on my meds but I'm constantly feeling guilty for wanting him to sleep all the time. I really enjoy him when he's all smiley & laughing (when I have the energy to play with the little guy) but when he's whinging in the play pen or excersaucer I'd just prefer him to be in bed making no noise at all.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Have you in the past? Did it pass? Do you think it should pass once I start my meds?

I feel awful about it

(Ps Please dont judge me, I dont like feeling like this, I'm just being honest & would like some advice or opinions)

[kawazuki]

oh your just going through so much at the moment dont be hard on yourself.

i find if i have had a crappy week at work or am feeling sick im the same, just wish my DD would sleep a bit longer or be happy playing with herself.
some days i have no energy to do baby things with her and worry its affecting her.

im not on meds or anything as it isnt a daily thing and is usualy related to being run down

you have come so far dont give up now. you are aware of whats wrong and thats great, you are being proactive about and that fabulous.

your doing a great job, to move so far away from great support networks and to re start your life is a huge thing.
now take some time out you have hd alot of set backs since moving and relax and try and just focus on teh positive from the move.

sorry this has been so long and i hope it made some sense lol

but your doing a great job, and i feel it is normal for anyone who has gone through what you have to feel like that and the fact you are acknowledging it is the biggest and often the hardest step to take..

[Trillian]

I think that it is more than likely just because of your depression and life in general for you being pretty tough atm that you just don't have the inclination to make the effort kwim? no one could ever judge, or think badly of you because of that. I'm sure once you are stable and are on meds that you will want to be more involved in life again

[MamaPan]

I agree with Trill - and wanted to send you a hug!
is there anyone who could watch him for an hour or 2 so you can get out for a walk or coffee on your own?

[AnyDream]

One of the features of depression is that you tend to feel "bad" and down about yourself and what you're doing. The truth is we all have days where we find parenting more challenging, and don't have the energy to meet the demands. That you feel like this a lot of the time is a good sign that you need to do something about your depressive state.

The very best thing you can do is book an appt to see your GP, now. Ring and make the appt today. When you see your GP be sure to ask about what other services there are in your area - something like a post natal depression support group or counsellor or a community play group might be helpful, as well as the medications.

Big because it sounds like you're feeling terrible right now.

[~breeze~]

Thanks everyone. I will betrying to get to the Dr's tomorrow sometime... I have a BB friend dropping by tomorrow which I'm looking forward to, so maybe after her visit I will head on over to the Drs so I can start feeling better & getting some energy back!!!
Pre- unfortunately no I dont but I might take the kids for a walk later after DS wakes up & get some sun on our skin (if I can find the energy LOL)

Thanks for the replies....

[MamaPan]

That's great that you will get to the dr tomorrow - and i think MD's idea about some playgroups etc would be good too...
enjoy your walk - it will help for sure...
xxx

[Turkish Delight]

Hey breeze

It's pretty tough the situation you are in atm, so please don't be harsh on yourself. You should feel proud as to how far you have gotten on your own.

Definitely is depression. But being on meds will not "cure" you. You don't have those really lull days as you are having now, your emotions will be numbed a little and you don't think about all the sh*t and cr*p in your head which was once there all the time.

Your energy levels will pickup, but honestly hun, you have been through so much lately that you need a holiday.

No mother wants to yell or harm their child in any shape or form. If things were hunky dory and you were in a healthy state of mind, would you do what you are doing now? I don't think so.

I honestly, truly wish i could help.

But yes, go the GP, seek medical help. Is there a casual day care centre near you, which might take DS say one day a week or half a day? It will give you a well deserved break.

Thinking of you..

[Peach*]

There are way worse things people do to their children so try not to be too hard on yourself.
For sure there are definately days when I feel like I cant be bothered and I would love her to sleep longer(I have a cat-napper). I have found making plans for almost every day during the week has made a HUGE difference to my mental state not just as a mum but in general. Joining a mothers group, meeting girls off BB, and going for walks just getting out of the house so then Im not just doing the same boring stuff. Or even having people visit me, so even if Im at home 'doing the same boring stuff' at least there is company there(grown up company which is definately different!).
Dont know if any of this would be suitable but thought Id share.

I hope the support on BB helps and same with the Dr.
Big hugs***

[Arcadia]

I am in two minds about responding to this with 100% honesty, because I don't want people to tell me I have PND, but then I figure it may help you to know you are not alone.

I have told DD to shut up on more than one occasion. I have had urges to give her away, or hit her when I am angry (I have never actually done this!). Sometimes I have to put her down and punch a pillow and scream because I am so frustrated.

I think we all deal with sleep deprivation and challenging situations in different ways.

If you have actually been diagnosed with PND then perhaps a Dr would help, but I think some extent of exhaustion (which it sounds like you are) is normal as a mother, especially while parenting in this disconnected and isolated world!

I hope you find some support to help you through this. You are doing a fabulous job and don't ever second guess yourself. It is very tough to be a mum and we need all the love we can get. Sending you a hug!

I hope this helps a bit (and please no one judge me!).

[~breeze~]

I'm booked in to see the Dr tomorrow morning at 11am

[*Belle*]

Hi

I just want to send you huge hugs, I have been there myself in those feelings, I think is great you recognise them and are seeing a GP. How did you go at the Dr?

Are you on the medicare mental health plan? if you arent it would be great to join it through your GP if you wish to see a psychologist just to chat you can claim most of it back through medicare then, its really helpful.
I great tip I received that really helped me to feel like getting up and getting through my day was to plan one thing the night before for the next day, just one thing for you, little or big doesnt matter, and try and do it for yourself gives you something to look forward to. Also walking and music changes your thought patterns to help get out of the spiral too.

I hope you went well at the Drs, just came in to see how you were doing.

[~breeze~]

I went well at the Drs. I got my script & have taken my first tablet today. The Dr said if I haven't noticed a good change within 2 weeks to go back & he'll either up the dosage or change the brand.

Belle- thanks for the advice I've got a councillor organised already. I get it free throught the Vietnam Vets. I just have to take the time to organise a session....

[Turkish Delight]

I went well at the Drs. I got my script & have taken my first tablet today. The Dr said if I haven't noticed a good change within 2 weeks to go back & he'll either up the dosage or change the brand.

Within 2 weeks? It takes about 2-3 weeks to kick in and you'll start to feel the effects within 4 weeks.

2 weeks is pretty early. Give it some time.

Keep us posted!

[*Belle*]

How you feeling today mate? depends on what meds he put you on and how it goes in your body when u start to feel affects I guess. I took Zoloft and it affected me too much in one week but persisted with it for 6months, not the drug for me. Im on Ciprimil now and it only took 2 weeks to make me feel better.

Hope today was brighter for you xxx

[mrsmac]

Hope you are starting to feel a bit better, you sounded exactly like I did when Dd2 was a baby and I found the anti ds helped enormously. You have been through a huge upheaval lately so its very normal to be feeling like this, good on you for going to get help.

[~breeze~]

Hi girls. I've been feeling a bit better today, I said to my older sister it may be because now I just feel a bit numb about the whole situation with my sister. I've accepted now that I have no-one here, I'm on my own totally.
I guess I'm feeling a little positive knowing that I'm now on the meds & will hopefully be feeling alot better soon. Whereas before I didnt know what I was heading for.....

I'm going to the big BB meetup in Brisbane tomorrow so that will no doubt lift my spirits & my girlfriend is coming with me then coming home to hang out overnight

Thanks for all your support