14yo DD drinking... HELP please...

[Fleur]

So 14yo Dd has been drinking. Nothing too unusual amongst her friends unfortunately.
DH & I both recall our own teenage days & accept a certain amount at certain times as 'normal' - not okay obviously, but we did it, our friends did it, her friends do it...

The problem we have is that it seems to be happening quite often.
Up to this point we have not condoned it, but on the occasions that she has confessed (2 or 3) we have not punished her. We have spoken to her about safe behaviour, about being honest with us, the GP had a few words with her last week also.

Last night she had a friend over to watch videos & have pizza - really normal ok stuff. When I got up at 3am to pump milk she had left photos open on the computer that she had uploaded. They showed her & her friend posing with alcohol bottles.

EEEEEk!! SHe had a friend over for MOVIES & she did this?

My immediate reaction was to ground her for a month but I'm not sure that's productive. She will eventually be with her friends again & then it will more than likely continue.
But what do we do?

So we have spoken with her this morning about it. Gave her all our concerns - it's not just about being safe outside home, it's about her still growing body & brain. It's about habits which form & can carry into adulthood. It's about doing it too often, it's about being sneaky (although if she asked would we say yes? Probably not).
It's about the fact that depression runs in our family - I started suffering from it at 14 - and now in the last 2 weeks DD says she feels depressed - if so then this is the LAST thing she needs.

We have told her she is temporarily grounded while we consider what to do & how to handle this.
Problem is, we have no idea at all what to do....

So give it to me! I'm counting on the wisdom of the BB ladies to help me out......

[Ozstar]

I have no words of wisdom but wanted to send you some hugs, what a tough situation!!

[MamaPan]

Oh Jasp - you are dealing with so much atm... pumping and feeding a nb and then dealing with the teenager and everything in b/n! my hat off to you my friend and a big hug for this little hurdle too...
I think it sounds like you have a great communication style with her and she obv knows you love and trust her and vice versa. it sounds like teenage behaviour but it also sounds like you need to manage it with her. i think it is good her gp spoke with her... especially if she feels depressed.
I think you need to have a good chat to her about the effects it can have and maybe also get the gp to spk to her more. but mainly keep the communication open and dont overreact which may make her rebel or not tell you as much if that makes sense.
I watched 'about women' on sbs last week and it spoke a lot about teenage issues - maybe you could watch something like this with her to open up other areas of discussion?
Sorry not much real advice, i havent been through it myself yet.. (thankfully)...

[diannescruffy]

Geez, I really feel for you. I wish I had some constructive advice for you but if my DS14 was drinking I really don't know what I would do either. The main thing is that she knows she can come to you for anything, whether it be advice or sharing her problems. It is a bit worrying that she has mentioned depression to you and I really think that needs to be addressed promptly as she may be drinking to get away from her depression. I really hope everything works out for you and DD.

Regards,
Dianne

[Dansta]

question - with the photos is it possable her and her friend where just "poseing" with them alcohol bottles? and not drinking them? i ask becuase at that age i wasnt aloud to drink out side of the home (and only one for b'days/christmas/NYE type things and only ever one at that!) so poseing with a bottle would make it *look* like i was drinking but i wasnt KWIM?

It sounds like you've got a good open communication with her, which is fantasic. even better if she can talk to you about being depressed. maybe try talking to her friend about it as well and explain that you dont like your DD and her friend drinking with out being told about it (taking away the "ooo no one knows factor can sometimes help, from my experaince)

your doing really good to be able to handle and cope with a new born AND a teenager i take my hat off you to you!

[~Jo~]

To be honest I think youve done a wonderful job already. I work with young people specifically dealing with drugs and alcohol and I wish their parents were as forthcoming and open to communication as you are with you dd. Naturally the fact that it has occurred a few times is concerning, as is her saying she is feeling depressed. Does your dd say why she wants to drink? How it makes her feel?

The photos...ugh...I have the same thing with my dds and we are continually reiterating the need to be respectful of ourselves. I cant believe some of the photos that are circulating on myspace/facebook of young teens. My 13 dd tries to copy her older sister too, so its always fun having to keep an eye on it. The media, pressure from friends etc seems to be overwhelming.

I guess all we can do is try and encourage positive behaviour, positive choices, and try to keep our growing teens bodies safe. I do talk about emotions alot factoring in that their growing brains focus heavily on emotions right now so it can seem so overwhelming for them, but this will settle down. Our job is to guide and it sounds like your lines of communication are open, you are giving her the right information, encouraging her to make good choices, and I guess we have to let them make their own choices. THey will grow and learn from their mistakes after all.

I am happy to be able to use others stories too. It always seems to make it real for teens, ie girl who has a few drinks at a party, choosing risky behaviour she wouldnt normally choose, sleeps with boy etc, just to bring it home how alcohol and risky behaviour are linked.

Jo

[Fleur]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It's nice to hear that you think we're on the right track but I'm still not too sure what we are going to do in this particular instance...given that she is waiting for her punishment to be handed down... and has been particularly sulky & horrid today not helping her case, is she?

Any more ideas?
Also, what would you be doing to limit the opportunities for this kind of behaviour? I can't see her being grounded until she's 18...oh but I would like to.....

[Lulu]

Are you punishing her for drinking or the photos?

I would ask her what she thought was an appropriate punishment - she may surprise you.

to limit opportunities - I don't do sleepovers after parties. I pick up and drop off at parties and if I know there will be drinking I speak to the parents and let them know I do NOT permit my child to drink. I also know who is holding any "parties", she wasn't allowed to random people houses.
I built relationships will parents of my childs friends. I made my position clear to them, and they did the same.

Im tired, sorry for the lack of words...

[Madham]

I know this will happen to me soon enough and i can imagine how tough it must be.
I will not permit my daughter to drink but that does not mean she wont. My dd just yesterday showed me a pic of one of her friends on my space posing with a bottle of alcohol. She said look mum she is only 13 thats terrible she looks stupid and thinks she is cool. I then made reference to the fact that drinking doesnt make you cool etc.
Im not sure what kind of punishment you can give her, the main punishment that works around here is no mobile and no internet. Not sure that is appropriate for this situation but i dont know your dd, i think it depends on the child so maybe Lulu is right ask her what punishment she should recieve.
Sorry i am not much help, you are doing a great job and i am sure you will make the right decision and i hope your daughter makes the right choices in the future.

[mrsmac]

I used Lulu's approach, make it hard for her to be in situations where she can drink ie- pick her up after parties, let friends stay at your house not her at theirs etc. One of DDs friend's mums picks her up from parties and then lets her drive home on her L's so that she has to not drink at all.

Its a difficult age, sorry actually the start of a difficult few years! I think you are already doing a brilliant job being open and honest with your DD, build on this relationship, talk with her about your fears, I found DD was always more responsive if I explained things rather than ordered her to not do something.

Big hugs to you, having had a 14 yr old and a newborn I know exactly what you are going through and trust me it does get better!!

[Miss E]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It's nice to hear that you think we're on the right track but I'm still not too sure what we are going to do in this particular instance...given that she is waiting for her punishment to be handed down... and has been particularly sulky & horrid today not helping her case, is she?

Just wanted to give you a big Jasp. Like the others have said I think you are doing a great job, the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. I have to admit this does bring back memories of my teenage years. Based upon the way I behave as a teenager I tend to think that you are best not to punish her. I think if she gets punished that is going to make her want to hide these things from you in the future and that is the last thing you want. At least if she is able to share with you and feel that she can talk to you about what she is up to you have opportunity to guide her and encourage responsible behaviour. But if she decides to close up and keep things from you for fear of getting in trouble and being punished you're less likely to get the opportunity to guide and advise her.

Anyway, just thought I would share my take on things, I was a horror teenager who started smoking and drinking around her age. My mum would do everything to stop it, which just made me rebel even more. In the end I got shipped off to live with my Dad who had a totally different approach. He never said 'no' to me, just advised me and gave me the freedom to be a teenager and do what teenagers do. In my case it worked, being given responsibility not being told actually meant that I settled down. For him it did mean sleepless nights, but he knew that if things got out of hand I would call him for help rather than try and sort it out myself for fear of getting into trouble.

Good luck with it hon xoxox

[Fleur]

Are you punishing her for drinking or the photos?

The drinking. She doesn't know how we found out (at least, we didn't tell her).

Thanks Miss E for sharing your teenage years! It's kind of re-inforced why I don't necessarily want to ground her for a month, lol.
We want her to know that we don't condone her behaviour (although I'm fairly certain she already does know that). I also want her to understand that although we realise that it will happen sometimes, the amount she has confessed to recently is worrying.

As for parties - she doesn't do 'parties' yet - that we know of - the occasions where this has happened have been mostly sleepovers. The other night was a sleepover here, with just one friend. She had asked to stay at a friends house who we don't really know... we were a bit concerned given how things have been with her recently & suggested she have pizza & videos here instead...trying to limit her opportunities for risky behaviours... she ended up having a different friend over & drinking anyway!

I love the idea of letting her choose the consequences, I will run this by DH tomorrow. Abb you are right no internet works a treat here too, no mobile is saved for the most serious transgressions

Oh and Lulu - never mind the lack of words! I'm happy to hear any, & I've noticed you always manage to pack great advice into a few words

Mrsmac - thankyou! so, umm....when exactly does it start getting easier? it's good to hear that it does.

Thanks everyone

[mrsmac]

DD is nearly 18 and it is MUCH easier now but I found even when she turned 17 it started getting easier.

[MamaPan]

love the idea of choosing consequences.. my mum used this on me and it worked a treat. she told me i was usually harder on myself than she would have been...

[Fleur]

Just thought I'd pop back in here & let you know what we are doing...

(I am told there is a group for alcoholic teenagers?...)

so we have spoken to DD about why we are unhappy with what she is doing. Straight off the bat she said she has already decided to curb it. So that's a good start. BUT our consequences stand... We feel like a grounding is kind of pointless, she will be back out sooner or later & if they really want to drink they will find a way. So we have said to her if you are going to make choices, let them be informed choices.

Over the next week she can research the effects of alcohol, in particular teen drinking. Let us know next Friday what she has found out.

The look on her face was priceless

especially when we said... if you don't do it, or don't do it properly...I am taking you to the teenage AA meeting so you can see first hand ... if someone there can't talk to you I guess they will have some information for us all at least.

She took it very well. And we have also told her if at any point we feel that any of her behaviour is getting out of hand we have no hesitation in grounding her for months, or informing her friends parents of our concerns... it would be last resort but if we had to we would.
So, she needs to know that although we understand it might happen we don't condone it IYKWIM.

Gosh it's hard to walk such a fine line

Thanks again everyone

[diannescruffy]

That's great. Hope everything works out for your family.

Regards,
Dianne

[Ozziehoffy]

Over the next week she can research the effects of alcohol, in particular teen drinking. Let us know next Friday what she has found out.

The look on her face was priceless

Gosh it's hard to walk such a fine line

Great idea. It really is hard walking a fine line. I'm finding it really challenging right now, J is 16 now and not easy with a 2 1/2 and 5 month old. Especially when the 2 1/2 yr old is now starting to pick up the bad habits of the 16 yr old!!!

J got banned from the school bus a while back for really stupid behaviour. He was banned for a whole term. We told him to write a letter to the bus company and cc to his school. He wrote it (fairly well) but never sent it so we just let him continue to be banned from the bus and he had to walk or ride to school. I don't think he cared too much though. Hopefully your DD cares more than he did/does!

[MamaPan]

wow Jasp - fantastic handling of that situation. hope it goes well!