Hi everyone.. I need some gentle parenting/attachment parenting advice, & thought this might be the place to ask
My 2.5 year old DS has started refusing to eat dinner, then later in the evening he asks for food. We do try to cook the things he likes but he just doesn't like veggies at all, no matter how we cook them. We have a general rule of no food after 3:00pm so he has a good appetite for dinner (dinner is between 5 & 6pm)
Tonight he was having an 'outside bath' in one of those blue clam shell sand-pit/wading pool thingys (he LOVES outside baths). It was so nice out that we decided to have dinner outdoors too. We got him sitting up at the table but he refused to eat. We said, "ok, no more bath". He still refused. DH said 'OK. If you don't eat your dinner I'll tip the bath out and we'll go inside". DS still refused to eat. DH tipped the water out. DS was so upset that he was a nightmare all evening until he finally fell asleep. He was tired, but I think the forceful/no compromise way we dealt with it contributed to how upset he was. He has had this kind of reaction before with similar parenting tactics (I made him stay inside for 5 minutes after he turned the water tank on when he's not allowed to).
Normally we don't parent like this and are much more compromising and gentle. When he engages in negative behaviour we explain why he can't do something, use gentle redirection, distraction, ignore it, etc. Up until now this style has worked really well for us. He is a lovely child who rarely does 'naughty' things. Lately, however, his behaviour has been more challenging and it's been more difficult to use gentle parenting methods to correct (or perhaps I should say that we're short on gentle parenting ideas), hence our experimentation with more strict and less compromising responses. He just became a big brother 2 months ago and i think this is definitely a factor in the increase in negatvie behaviour. It's also probably his age too as he starts to assert himself and test the boundaries.
His terrible reactions to our more strict parenting have made me feel so unsure of what to do and I'm now questioning myself. Is he reacting so badly because he's not used to hard and fast consequences? Do we need to continue giving consequences so that he learns that sometimes there are consequences in life? If we do continue will he adjust and learn to accept consequences and stop becoming so upset? Or will it just damage his trust in us and make him feel sad that we don't care about his feelings? Does it really matter if he doesn't eat dinner sometimes and has yogurt instead? Is it worth making a rule about it when it makes him so upset and makes the whole household stressed out? My mum forced me to eat veggies when I was little and I *hated* her for it, and I still remember how miserable and horrible I felt that she didn't care that they made me gag.
I should point out that it's not like he's never experienced consequences. He knows that if he is rough with his toys I will take them away or if he doesn't eat his lunch he doesn't get a treat, etc, but as a general rule we don't use punishments to stamp out negative behaviour.
So... I'd love to hear thoughts from other gentle parenting/attachment parenting perspectives... what would you do? What do you think? Any input is appreciated.
Thanks
Last edited by skeetaboat; November 10th, 2009 at 08:46 PM.
I bought Brendan (2y8m) a plate that has 4 compartments that each have a lid (Baby Einstein i think) and every time I serve dinner up in that he at least attempts to eat it. Put the same food on a flat plate and it hardley gets touched.
*ETA* he loves the idea of a "surprise" when opening the lid, it's kinda cute to watch too hehe
I find that our 3 year old is just way too tired at dinner time to be hungry. So we do dinner at lunch. Not always, but often, because today we did dinner at dinner time and he barely touched his food. He just wants a bath, a drink, and bed.
So, the way I ideally do it is serve their good hearty meal at lunchtime, and then if all he eats for dinner is a quarter of a sandwich and a serve of yoghurt, that's fine by me. I'm guessing as he gets older and isn't so dramatically tired at dinnertime we'll be able to do dinner at dinnertime again.
After writing it all down & thinking about it, I've realised that the main reason I'm concerned is not because he's not eating dinner sometimes (he does eat a healthy varied diet overall).. it's more that he's reacting *so* badly to consequences.. I don't know if it's soemthing I should be worried about? Are we spoiling him by not giving him enough & creating a child who thinks everything should go his way? Or is it that the consequences are too harsh and inconsistent with what he's used to..?
Is it his behaviour that needs correcting, or our approach??
I read in a gentle parenting book recently that meal times is NOT the time to get all strict and put up a fight - because then it just ends up being a power struggle. And no-one wants that with a 2.5yr old!
I guess I'm lucky because DD#1 has always been a really good eater - loves veggies, loves salad etc.
I like Nelle's idea of dinner at lunch!
Youre doing a great job hope you find something that works for you & your family
ETA - I think consistency really is the key - he will keep testing the boundaries till he knows there is a clear & consistent line. That clear consistent line is what gives them security and confidence!
For example, we really reinforce the rules during the day - in the morning, if I ask him not to do something and tell him if he does it again he will have to sit on the chair, he sits on the chair, by himself, for about 2 minutes.
If it's 5:30 and it's the same scenario, then he sits on the chair but maybe is allowed to take a toy or book, or only sits on it for 1 minute - because while I like to be consistent, when they're tired isn't the time to push the issue or teach something new.
So I guess I'm wondering if he's responding dramatically to any negative consequences moreso as the day wears on? I know both our kids are markedly less resilient as the day wears on. So we just don't choose our battles at the end of the day.
Sneakysparkle, it makes lot of sense not to pick battles at dinner. Do you think it's ok to let him have other foods after he refuses dinner? This is what we *were* doing, but then we noticed that if he didn't like what was on offer for dinner, he would just refuse it knowing that there were other things to eat. He even started refusing dinners that he had previously eaten quite well. I have made sure that the other foods he can have aren't anything special but are at least somewhat nutritious (usually yogurt, fruit or a sandwich) but he does like all of those foods and they're obviously more appealing than dinner to him at the moment. Maybe we need to make the foods he's allowed to have after dinner even more plain & less appealing, like plain dry biscuits?? But if he continues to forgo dinner, that wont be a good long term approach. Would love to know other people's dinner 'policies' (for want of a better word)....
I *love* the dinner at lunch idea. I can't see him eating veggies at lunch, but I'll give it a go & see what happens.
Nelle, you're right.. both of those incidences have been later in the day. That's probably what has brought on the meltdowns rather than his inability to accept consequences.. I don't know why that didn't dawn on me earlier!!
skeeta - with us - if DD#1 is struggling to eat her dinner but wants yoghurt then we do a "x number of mouthfulls" (depending on how much she has already eaten) - but make it fun, not "you must sit there and eat 5 mouthfulls or go to bed without dinner" iykwim?!
for example: we say "5 more mouthfulls" and hold up 5 fingers. Each finger has a 'secret sound' so after each mouthfull she gets to push a finger down and hear what funny sound it makes (animal noises, random things, raspberries etc!)
or sometimes she likes to choose what sort of vehicle will bring her her dinner - motorbike, helicopter etc
HTH
Sneaky we were doing that kind of thing - a light and fun "3 more mouthfuls and you can have yogurt" kind of deal (although without the fun noises.. great idea!). It was working quite well, but now he's flat out refusing to eat any mouthfuls. "No. No dinner. Don't like dinner". So the last few nights that he's been doing this we have followed through and held out on the yoghurt/sandwich, and he's being going to bed having eaten nothing (which is clearly less than ideal)...
Not really sure what to do, because if we give in and allow him to have the yogurt anyway he learns that all he has to do is stand his ground in order to get his way and that we don't follow through with what we say.. but on the other hand I think we've got to feed him SOMETHING!
Since we've started trying to really get him to eat dinner, it's become a bit of a lose-lose situation, and I just wonder if it's worth it or would it be better for all if we just drop the issue? I don't want to create a long term battle over food... is this one of those battles that's better off just left 'unpicked' ?? Or are we just going about it the wrong way??
Why don't you give dinner at lunchtime a shot, and light lunch at dinner? He won't know 'oh this is all topsy turvy and I'm eating the wrong food at the wrong time'.
So if he likes yoghurt, give him yoghurt for dinner. That rules out a battle of the wills when he's tired, if he wants to eat yoghurt and you're telling him to eat yoghurt. You're making it easy for him to obey you.
Another thought I'm throwing in the mix is that if it's hot there like it is here, he might not be hungry either. Mine barely touched their dinner last night, even my 19 month old who usually finishes off his brother's dinner! I don't feel hungry either. So we do food in the cooler mornings (I'm cooking pancakes right now, actually, it's probably burning...................right, pancake saved), and so as they tire and the house heats up they've already eaten a decent amount. I don't insist on meat and 3 veg when I am so hot that all I want is a sausage in bread.
I've been filling them up with fruit filled smoothies too towards the end of the day.
Anyway. To me, sounds like it's tiredness, perhaps complicated further by the heat if it's hot where you are. So perhaps filling bub up earlier in the day is worth a shot. All the best.
I am with Nelle, kids don't know what they should be eating when, just give him something that you know he will eat so he isn't going to bed with an empty stomach. You can try giving him other foods when he isn't so tired.
My DS won't eat veges unless they are cooked into sauces or stews etc. So when I make meals that I know he likes I make extra to feed him again later in the week so DH and I can have things that I know will be a battle to get DS to eat without the headache.
I hated veges as a kid, but I eat them now. Try not to stress too much over your DS's food, it does get easier (so I am told ).
I'm also one for not fighting at dinner time, I just don't see that it is worth it. We are just winding him up at a time of night we want everyone to be calm & my DH & I like to enjoy our meal also.
At that age they seem to want to push things a bit more also, our DS has been doing so in the past couple weeks as he's understanding so much more now.
I keep up the good foods during the day, I make lots of things so they are preservative free etc & offer only water etc...then at dinner time if he's hungry he will eat, if he's not he wont. But it's all about timing also, I know when he's most hungry. If it looks like DH will not be home in time I will serve DS dinner up early & then he's welcome to sit with us when we eat or go off & play.
I always make a point of serving a plate up for him so he know's we'd like him to eat what we are eating, but then I don't force it. Sometime's he'll try, sometimes not at all & in the even he wants something else its a sandwich or banana......that's it. As he still has milk at bed I know he's not going hungry & if I give too many choices he'll play on that.
If we are having a nice meal & he hasn't eaten anything & gets down from the table we let that go also, as it's a massive war otherwise & we just want to keep things calm at that time of night. We don't have the telly on so he usually just wanders around us playing with some toys or books. As long as he sits up when we do & see's that he's got a plate of food. To make it fun he has a place mat with the alphabet & animals on it & he get's his own cup with ice & water in it like Mummy & Daddy.
I think at the end of the day if your child is not flat out refusing to eat all day or not just choosing really crappy foods then don't stress. We all have to adapt to different things, I think we push dinner as we are used to sitting to have that main meal we expect them to also. But they often have smaller appetites or snack more during the day. So don't stress.
Skeetaboat, sounds like the average 2.5yo. And you guys sound like you're doing a great job.
I'm also not a fan of battles at dinner (shame DH is - meals are so much more peaceful with ihm on night shift).
Mine's a bit older than your little guy, but when she was smaller I offered an alternative, and it was never really planned - it was just what I had.
Now she's older, she knows if she doesn't try to eat some of what is offered she goes to bed without - no big deal though.
She tells us if she has had enough. I offer veges etc throughout the day too.
It's a stage of testing the boundaries - and no child will starve themselves.
DD is a fair bit younger, but we took part in a 2-step study on solids and nutrition (step 1 was around 5-6months and looked at starting solids, and step 2 was around 14mths, and looked at the toddler stages) Anyway, one of the key messages was "parent provides, child decides" So basically, if you're offering a healthy meal, and they don't want to eat, then don't stress - no child in a loving, caring family has become malnourished after not eating one meal. You might worry that its been a couple of nights that he's gone to bed with no dinner, but I'm sure he'll be fine! If he's really hungry, he'll eat, and by being consistent that there's no other option, he might only go another night or 2 and then start eating because he'll know that thats all he's getting! And don't forget that kids are a lot more in tune to their hungry/full signals - I know I'll eat because its lunch/dinner/afternoon tea time and that has nothing to do with whether I'm hungry, whereas DD will only eat when she's hungry.
I think the idea of a bigger meal at lunch might be good too.
I used to give DD1 a 'tasting plate' for dinner and she just ate what she wanted from it - I would do different things each day but there would be a selection of pasta, cheese, fruit, vegetables, chickpeas etc presented like an antipasto platter. She loved it but would choose to eat different things depending on what she felt like.
Now she loves 'helping' to cook dinner so involving her in the preparation also really helped her eat more - they are less likely to refuse something they have helped to make.
Registered User
Suggestions for getting a toddler to eat dinner
Not always, but often, because today we did dinner at dinner time and he barely touched his food. He just wants a bath, a drink, and bed.
hope you find something that works for you & your family
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks