what to do

[Mellybubz]

So I am fortunate enough to have a beautiful 2 year old baby boy. I'm about to go there into the great big world all on my own. I had been with my partner for about 10 months before he broke up with me and then had been silly enough to hook up with my best friend and at the same time my then ex had come over to say 'goodbye' before he left for melbourne... a few months later I found out I was pregnant and I was silly enough to go along with the dates the dr had given me and was addament it was my ex's baby so we then rekindled our relationship, moved in together, got engaged bought a house. My best friend told me to get an abortion or never speak to him again so I ofcourse chose the baby as I didnt feel right about aborting as it was a prefectly formed foetus and knowing so many friends who had lost babies before through no fault of their own I felt like it was a privaledge. Sadly a couple of years on we finally decided to do a DNA test (my little boys beautiful big blue eyes were a bit of a give away for me) and the baby was not my partners. They both knew about each other and at the time neither of them wanted a relationship with me. I'm sad and frustrated I put myself in that situation. We've (my partner and I) been having a lot of other problems he likes drinking, has anger outbursts has thrown things and I've got to the point we're it doesnt feel safe so I've decided to leave. I have been in contact with my former best friend and he actually wasnt too bad but keeps asking me what my motives are like do i want child support. Said he had a chat with his new gf and theyve decided they want kids together but want their kids to be their kids and think no contact is the best option. He also suggested I could just write unknown on the birth certificate and that would be the end of the whole thing. I've tried to be diplomatic and said that I am just trying to establish what is in the best interest of my son, I think he has a right to know who his biological father is, I owe it to him to be honest with him and as difficult as this situation is I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do in a few years time and I want to be able to say to my son that I at least tried and I was never the one to stop him from seeing his Dad. My partner (well soon to be ex) has said he'll help me out for a little while (with child minding and things) and he wants to be in the childs life but does not want parental rights or anything like that.
This is such a messy and confusing situation I want to try and do whats best for my son. I work very hard to provide for him and unfortunately spend a bit of time away from him as a result.
I've been all over the net and everything to try and see if there had ever been a situation like mine or if theres any advice online for people in this sort of situation but there isnt really anything out there.
Thanks
Mel.

[CrystalBoo]

That must be a hard situation for you to be dealing with.

Do you think DS's dad might agree to receive some short, written updates about his son a few times a year, with some photos? If you made it clear there was no obligation, he may come around to the idea of having more contact in the future. I guess at the very least, you could try and make sure you are always able to contact him, and he you, in case of medical conditions, if nothing else.

The child support would be helpful to you if you're on your own I expect, but could cause bad feelings that might come back to your DS later. I really can't offer much advice, not being in the same situation, but I'm sure there are lots of single mums here that can help more.

Hope everything works out positively for you.

[skeetaboat]

So I am fortunate enough to have a beautiful 2 year old baby boy. I'm about to go there into the great big world all on my own. I had been with my partner for about 10 months before he broke up with me and then had been silly enough to hook up with my best friend and at the same time my then ex had come over to say 'goodbye' before he left for melbourne... a few months later I found out I was pregnant and I was silly enough to go along with the dates the dr had given me and was addament it was my ex's baby so we then rekindled our relationship, moved in together, got engaged bought a house. My best friend told me to get an abortion or never speak to him again so I ofcourse chose the baby as I didnt feel right about aborting as it was a prefectly formed foetus and knowing so many friends who had lost babies before through no fault of their own I felt like it was a privaledge. Sadly a couple of years on we finally decided to do a DNA test (my little boys beautiful big blue eyes were a bit of a give away for me) and the baby was not my partners. They both knew about each other and at the time neither of them wanted a relationship with me. I'm sad and frustrated I put myself in that situation. We've (my partner and I) been having a lot of other problems he likes drinking, has anger outbursts has thrown things and I've got to the point we're it doesnt feel safe so I've decided to leave. I have been in contact with my former best friend and he actually wasnt too bad but keeps asking me what my motives are like do i want child support. Said he had a chat with his new gf and theyve decided they want kids together but want their kids to be their kids and think no contact is the best option. He also suggested I could just write unknown on the birth certificate and that would be the end of the whole thing. I've tried to be diplomatic and said that I am just trying to establish what is in the best interest of my son, I think he has a right to know who his biological father is, I owe it to him to be honest with him and as difficult as this situation is I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do in a few years time and I want to be able to say to my son that I at least tried and I was never the one to stop him from seeing his Dad. My partner (well soon to be ex) has said he'll help me out for a little while (with child minding and things) and he wants to be in the childs life but does not want parental rights or anything like that.
This is such a messy and confusing situation I want to try and do whats best for my son. I work very hard to provide for him and unfortunately spend a bit of time away from him as a result.
I've been all over the net and everything to try and see if there had ever been a situation like mine or if theres any advice online for people in this sort of situation but there isnt really anything out there.
Thanks
Mel.

Oh hun, what a difficult sitation you're in. I guess the biggest question is, what do you want? In an ideal world if your partner & the bio dad were both willing to co-operate with you, what arrangements would you like to have with each of them? What are the most important things? Child support? A continuing relationship between your son and your soon to be XP? A relationship between your son & his bio dad?

You can't force the bio dad to take an interest in his son, but, if you guys are on speaking terms, you can strongly advocate that he do so, send him photos and so forth. You could also think about what you could do to make it easiest for him to want to have a relationship with his son. Eg, he has raised two issues: 1. he doesn't want to pay child support. 2., it sounds like he doesn't want your (&his) son to complicate/interfere with/threaten a future family with his current partner. If you're not worried about child support at this point, perhaps telling him so will help? (not advocating he gets away without supporting his son, but if your priority is a relationship, focus on *that* first). Assuring him that you don't want to interfere in his current relationship and won't be demanding, etc might also help. Personally, that's what I'd probably pursue most - for the biological father to take an interest in his son. You can sort out issues like child support, formal access visits down the track, after he has had a chance to get to know his son and process what has happened. If he's a good person deep down, he'll probably feel compelled to contribute once he feels attached to his son anyway.

I think it's also important that your soon-to-be XP keeps his relationship with your son. It'd be very heart breaking and confusing for the little guy to just lose that relationship altogher, when, for all intents and purposes, this man has been his father.

Do you have some other support?

My DS is nagging me to play so I'll BBL.

(((hugs)))

[Mellybubz]

Thank you both so much for your comments. They were really helpful. It's just good to get an opinion from someone on the outside who's not involved or judgemental. I'm lucky to have had some supportive friends who I have told and they said if I need anything let them know and just that they hoped bio dad would step up.
At the moment XP is helping which is good because thats who my baby has grown up with all this time. I have put it to bio Dad that the idea of this whole thing is to figure out whats in the best interests of the 2 year old and also just reminded him that when he does have kids with his partner that he hasnt gone through most of the important stuff and it will be their first time so my son shouldnt take away from that. I really will be trying to advocate for something like keeping in contact a few times a year for my sons sake as I have explained to him I will have some explaining to do one day and I want to be honest with my son so that when he's a teenager or an adult he feels he can still come to me with things rather then hide them from me. I've been trying to do reading.etc. on the subject and one thing they did mention with being a single mother is how to answer the dad questions and I really dont want to be telling my son about that myself as I feel that will be just my side of the story but we'll see how things go.
Thank you so much
Mel
xox

[skeetaboat]

Hi Mel.. I just read over my first reply (which I only got halfway through writing..) and realised it sounds like I was saying you should push for the bio father's involvement more so than push for your current partner's involvement. So firstly, just wanted to clarify, coz that's not what I meant to say. When I said "that's what I'd probably pursue most - for the biological father to take an interest in his son" I meant over and above child support (at least initially), not over and above a continuing relationship with your current partner. Then if he's going to be an a$$ about it and refuse to see his son, I'd start to think about persuing child support.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to achieve involvement of the bio dad. At the end of the day, he may just refuse to be involved, which would be sad for your son, but if you've done everything you can to encourage it, no-one can ask more of you than that. Of course it'd be nice for your son to have a relationship with his biological father, but it does take a lot more than DNA to be a father.

Which brings me to your current partner. Is he going to keep seeing your son long term? Will he have access visits? Will your son continue to call him dad? I would encourage this if he's in the right headspace for it. If bio dad doesn't step up, he will at least have a father in his life who loves him and is involved. I guess it could be hard for your partner to do this now that your son turns out not to be his, but it also sounds like he is being understanding and supportive of you despite the fact that you're breaking up, which makes me think that he's emotionally mature and a person who does the right thing by others. I could be wrong of course, but if I'm right, he sounds like the kind of person you'd want in your son's life. Even if they are not bilologically father and son, they are emotionally father and son, and if he's willing to continue that I would really encourage it.

Must go again, DS is calling.. you're doing a great job of managing the situation. BBL

[Mellybubz]

So I finally ordered and paid for the DNA test and let him know its here. THEN he decides to turn around and say that he's been back to his solicitor and spoken with CSA and they;ve both advised him not to do it. He says that my current partner is legally responsible for my son. My lawyer said that no he's not he's just some guy I've lived with and owned a house with. He's asked me not to contact him again. Again its all about him, his gf, their future kids they dont have but basically him. I just feel so sorry for my poor lil guy because no one wants to be a Dad. No one is thinking about what this will do to him. I really think that I have no choice but to go to court to fight for my little guys rights. The toughest thing as I keep saying is what do I tell my little man when he asks why he's not there. It breaks my heart.

[Mellybubz]

I think I have no choice but to go through the system. I dont think its fair on my child to just say oh I dont know who the daddy is when I do. My child has a right to know and I think he needs someone in there arguing for him and his rights. I agree that it is important to be honest with my son from the start. What really annoys me is that his whole argument is now based on I chose to be in this situation, I chose who I wanted to be with and he's chosing who he wants to be with. I said that its great that he has a gf and wants to settle down. Being with him never was a choice. The only choice he gave me was to have an abortion or to never talk to him again. I chose my baby as I knew that I had a beautiful, perfectly formed, healthy foetus in my tummy who had a heart that was beating all on its own and I did not feel that it was my right to take that away from him. Now I have the most beautiful boy in the whole universe who is happy and loves to laugh who makes friends easily and had daycare begging me to put him in more days because they love him and his little laugh so much.

[Amity]

You can issue for "paternity testing" in Court and if the "father" refuses to attend, then the Court can draw an inference that he is the father. You will need to remove your partner's name from the birth certificate (if you haven't already) and explain to the Court why you did so - including showing the negative DNA test from your partner to the Court.

This sort of thing happens a lot - I'm a barrister and I see it often enough.

I'm glad you've seen a lawyer - s/he should be able to lead you through the paperwork and make sure it's all done "right". Good luck

[Mellybubz]

Thanks for your advice Divvy.
I've rang births,deaths and marriages and thankfully its not as difficult as I thought to get XP's name off of the birth certificate. I'll try and go through that process this week some time. My solicitor is on holidays until Jan 21 so as soon as he gets back I'll ask him if we can put the subpoena in. I have now put my application in for family tax benefit and have been told I have 13 weeks to apply for child support otherwise I wont get my full entitlements.
It's a tough situation which I would like to run away from but I know I have to try and be a grown up and realise I have a gorgeous little man to support and provide for. At the end of the day its not like the other party will have to pay much any way as I work full time and I'm on a good income. I just wish he wasnt so stubborn and I wish that there was someone else out there who loved my little man as much as I do...

[~Serenity~]

i just wanted to give you hugs and wish you the best of luck!!!!

[Inanna]

Big hugs honey this really is tough stuff

From what you have written you are doing what is right for your child. You are putting his interests before anyone elses. That's a great thing. Everyone deserves to know their paternity if possible. Not just for helping with identity, but for health reasons, familial reasons... It's important.

Basically you have sex you run the risk of fathering/mothering a child. You risked it and now you have a son. And... so does he.

Your son has a right to financial aid from his father. He has a right to know the story.

It always needs to be remembered that this cannot and will not make him BE a father...
He is the only one that can choose that. For your son's sake I hope he chooses to father your boy - but if not you cannot force it. I know you know that - I just need you to know that you will find other male role models. Seek them out. Uncles, brothers, friends husbands - good solid men for your boy to model his maleness on is important.

For now you may be the only one who loves your son so intensely. What about your ex partner? Has he maintained contact with your little boy? It would be such a shock for him to lose that contact...

Sending you my support. xxx

[Amity]

How are you going Mellybubz?

[Mellybubz]

Hey,
Well FOB did not reply for ages after his last email saying that he had no cause to be involved in this "situation" that XP is the legally responsible father of the child and he has no reason to change that.
XP has helped a bit with minding him from time to time. I'm trying to maintain some sort of contact for Lachlans sake. It is hard to know if it really makes a difference though as LAchlan always wants mum does not really interact much with X when he sees him although sometimes he will play random games where he is looking for Dad when hes not there. The only thing that I'm finding is the strings attached as he keeps wanting me to have sex with him and the other day refused to pick up Lachlan because of my refusal because "I wont help him" so why should he help me. I asked him what he wanted and he says he doesnt want to be with me he just wants casual sex. I feel like my self esteem has been right down around my ankles. I need to pick myself up and realise I'm not a piece of meat I'm a smart attractive woman who is 4 subjects away from having a masters degree and I have a very important job and most importantly I am a mother. I just need to realise that I can do better for myself and not be somebodies piece of meat. I'm adament that next time I have sex with someone it will be because I love them, they love me, we care about each other and I want it to be something that it on every level.
Unfortunately I've been working too much lately and have not quite had time to follow up with the family relationship centre or with the lawyer but it will be coming. Especially with whats been happening with XP I just feel like I need something in place to rotect my beautiful baby boy.
Thank you for all of your support
It is muchly appreciated
Mel
xox

[~Serenity~]

Goodluck I hope it works out soon

[LionsandBears]

I hope things are working out for you. Sounds like a tough situation. At least your son had a very loving mummy. As for the XP - he sounds like a knob too. Asking for sex in exchange for minding your son is like asking you to be his prostitute. Good on you for taking a stand. Your LO needs a strong mummy with good self-esteem and you need it for yourself.

also - good luck with the masters' degree. That's a lot of hard work on it's own without all these dramas.